Life spectrum with a nada

December 16, 2011

Hello all,

I am new in the group and have been lurking for the past couple of months. What

a wise, insightful, diverse group! I have felt privileged to read your posts.

Thank you to all who share not only your stories, but your wisdom and lessons

learned.

Here is my story. I am the oldest of three siblings of a nada. Our father,

while not without his own issues, is a fairly good parent but chose withdrawal

as his way of coping with nada. Our nada is mostly a queen with fairly frequent

witch episodes. In her later years (she is 71) she also shows some waif and

hermit. As a young woman raising the three of us, we got the queen/witch. All

three of us were cycled through all-good and all-bad, sometimes in the same

minute. Walking home from school, my sister and I would discuss strategies for

how to react to " Mom's mood. " If she was asleep (she slept a lot), it was as if

we had won the lottery. At some point in my early teens I became extremely

angry. Somehow I had managed to hang on to the idea that I was a good person,

despite what crap I was told every day. My anger was indignation; " hey, screw

you! I am a good person! How dare you treat me or talk to me (us) this way?! "

Of course, I couldn't say this, but keeping the anger and indignation stuffed

inside was like poison. During high school I spent as little time at home as

possible -- I joined every club and activity I could. My anger also led me to

drugs, alcohol, early sexual activity, and trouble-making. It was a miracle

nothing bad happened or that I ended up in jail. Once I left for college, I

essentially never looked back. I sought free counseling offered at college and

went home very little, even taking classes every summer. After college I

married and we moved several states away. Only recently in this group did I

learn the term LC; LC was what I have been doing for more than 27 years.

My relationship with my nada can be compared to staying away from a fire. Nada

(the fire) may be a low burning, cozy fire, feeling nice and warm so you snuggle

up to it. Then, without warning, if flares up and you get uncomfortably hot, or

worse yet, singed or outright burned. Over and over and over again. It took no

high thought for me to decide that I needed to get away from the fire.

Instinctively I ran away.

LC has been wonderful. Being far away has shielded me and my family very well.

Each year I felt stronger and more emotionally stable than the year before.

After having the first of my three children I developed a fierce protectiveness

and rarely allowed nada to be alone with them. I made it my mission to recreate

in my little family the family that all kids deserve, one that is nurturing,

kind, and supports the growth of the little person into their full self.

Predictably, each of my kids eventually asked me " what is wrong with Grandma? "

or " why does Grandma do/say things like that? " Their questions convinced me

that I must be raising them well since they were able to see nada's behavior as

odd or unkind. With each of them I explained that nada is mentally ill, but we

will not allow her to treat us badly or say unkind things to us. Without really

knowing it, I had set up a boundary.

Over the years, phone calls occurred about monthly, with visits about once a

year or so. The stays never lasted more than three days. Most things were kept

fairly superficial. I allowed nada to be critical, but I learned to either

change the subject or allow sarcastic humor to take over. Visits were usually

followed by pretty low times for me as I sorted out the " reliving the crap "

feelings. I remedied these by therapy or talking to my sibling.

I remained close to one of my siblings. We were always pretty close and

completely agreed that our nada is difficult. We never had a name for it. We

both read the book " Toxic Parents " in the early 1990s. My sibling too chose to

move away from the fire and be LC. We have joked over the years about the

boatload of therapy money we have saved by having each other. I do feel

extremely lucky to have her. My other sibling I believe is BPD also. I have

been extremely LC (going many years without contact).

On my 45th birthday, I like to tell people that I divorced my nada. I am a

well-educated and successful health care professional. Since my nada knows

everything, she has never consulted me on any health care matters. She is an

Archie Bunker with medical information (mispronunciations, misfacts, general

stupidity). When my grandmother became seriously ill in a hospital, I tried to

talk with nada about grandma's " code " status, knowing grandma did not want

anything done if it came to end of life issues. Nada went into gaslighting mode

and I persisted. When she insulted me, something in me snapped. She had

crossed the line. I calmly told her that I would no longer allow her to say

anything nasty to me or I would hang up or leave. Additionally, if she said

anything incorrect or stupid (yes, I said stupid), I would correct her. For the

next 10 minutes, I kept calmly repeated those two sentences to her over the

phone, over and over. She yelled, she sputtered, she blamed, she raged. At the

end, she handed the phone over to my father. I apologized to him (he would get

the full nada fury because of me), related my new " rules. " He told me that he

understood and could take care of himself.

Last year my sibling found information about NPD and shared it with me. Reading

it, I felt like someone had slapped me. My jaw literally dropped. It was not

until I started with my newest therapist in the early fall that I first heard

that my mother could have BPD. My therapist suggested I read SWOE. I then read

UTBM. Like so many others posted, I too saw my nada on almost every page.

Incredible. I also read about the importance of boundaries. Bingo. What was

instinctive survival for me was actually the right thing to do. How wonderful

to be validated.

The past ten years or so it has become obvious that my nada's health is

declining at a faster rate than my father (they are in their early 70's). Of

course, she enjoys all of the attention she gets for having health problems. My

sibling and I have worried that our father is taking all of the burden of nada

as she ages. My sibling and I both feel this need to " rescue " father or at the

very least, ensure that he is able to do all the things he wants to do in his

retirement, without nada pulling him down. So a year ago, they moved closer to

me, but still a four-hour drive away. I feel good about being close enough to

support him but am fully aware that my carefully orchestrated LC is now over. I

know I need to develop skills to cope with nada and still maintain my emotional

health. This group, UTBM, and therapy will help me stay happy and support my

father as well. I have even already devised a plan in case, God forbid, my nada

outlives my father -- nursing home immediately, without any discussion with

nada. Isn't there a joke out there that says be careful how you treat your

kids; they'll be picking out your nursing home?

I would like to close with some humble advice, according to stages of life of

KOs:

** Teens and young adults: Listen to that inner voice that tells you that you

are a fine person. Say it out loud, every day. The crap you hear is wrong and

hurtful and you don't deserve it. If you are self-medicating, stop and get

counseling. Get an education and run as fast as you can away from the fire.

** Young parents: Caring about your children's feelings and worrying about your

own performance as a parent clearly distinguishes you from your nada/fada.

Nadas/fadas don't give a hoot about a KO's feelings. Every non-BPD parent

worries if they will do a good job, but we KOs have the additional burden of not

really knowing what a good parent is. Some of us may swing the pendulum too far

the other way and become permissive or decide it is our job to make our kids

happy. Children still need structure, boundaries, models of responsible

behavior, and learn consequences for bad choices. If discipling your kids is

difficult (like it was for me; I only wanted to say happy/nice things, all the

time), take parenting classes to learn skills for appropriate disciplining. I

found great wisdom in Rosemond columns and books.

** Parents with teens/young adults: Teens are biologically engineered to rebel

to some degree. If they didn't they would stay with you forever. They are

striving to finally become the person they need to be, not some extension of

someone else. Give them freedom gradually, allowing them to make choices.

Expect some bad choices to happen. Sometimes we learn most from our mistakes.

Nadas/fadas see poor choices as direct reflections on themselves and react

poorly to them. A good parent won't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but

rather link arms with the teen to learn from the situation and move on.

Middle-age: OK, this is me now! I am relying on my fellow KOs for guidance.

Long-winded, but fun to write!

Sincerely,

Away from the fire

December 18, 2011

Welcome! Thank you for sharing this. So well stated, bravo!

>

> Hello all,

>

> I am new in the group and have been lurking for the past couple of months.

What a wise, insightful, diverse group! I have felt privileged to read your

posts. Thank you to all who share not only your stories, but your wisdom and

lessons learned.

>

> Here is my story. I am the oldest of three siblings of a nada. Our father,