What do you tell your kids when they ask about your nada?

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3 and I

am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way. I

have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

Thanks!

[Guest guest]

" Well, its very sad, sweetheart, but mommy's mommy, your Grandma X, has a

sickness in her head that makes her say and do mean, hurtful things, but she

won't go and see a doctor about it to help her get better. So, its not safe

for us to be around her. When you are older I will tell you more about it, but

all you need to understand for now is that its not safe for us to see or talk to

your Grandma X. "

Just a possible response, that I think a small child would be able to

understand. And it lays all the responsibility for the lack of contact on

Grandma X, where it belongs.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3 and

I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way. I

have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the reply and advice. That's pretty much what I had in mind when the

time comes. Unfortunately for us non-BPs, especially those of us with our own

kids, there is no handbook (or any book as far as I know) on this subject. I

just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing and saying it in a way

that won't confuse or scare my daughter.

Thank goodness for this site and all the people on it who are so willing to

offer their advice!

P.S. Sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you and your family will find

peace.

Thanks again!

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3

and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way.

I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm LC with my mom, and my kid definitely picks up on my tenseness when I have

to deal with NADA. I always tell her that Grandy can't help it when she's not

nice. ( " Grandy " picked that name for herself, nice huh?)

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3 and

I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way. I

have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately my 7 year old son has had to see me deal with Nada and usually

ends up with me in tears.  I " ve tried to explain to him that nada is sick in

the head and sometimes says things she can't help or doesn't mean.  Luckily

he's old enough to understand a little bit about mental illness and now tells

her to stop it when she starts acting out or to please behave, she's upsetting

him and then removes himself and refuses any more contact until she is rational

again.  Since he is her pride and joy that has worked wonders, and I'm so proud

of him for learning early on how to set limits I still find hard to set myself

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, December 17, 2011 6:01 PM

Subject: Re: What do you tell your kids when they ask about

your nada?

 

I'm LC with my mom, and my kid definitely picks up on my tenseness when I have

to deal with NADA. I always tell her that Grandy can't help it when she's not

nice. ( " Grandy " picked that name for herself, nice huh?)

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3 and

I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way. I

have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

After the crap my nada pulled the day after my husbands memorial and how she

even was without any feeling towards my son, her only biological grandchild, I

decided it was time to start helping him understand a little about BPD. I used

the analogy of a funhouse mirror and how nada's perception of reality was like a

person that saw their whold life reflected in a funhouse mirror. That she truly

believes some of the distortions that she sees and that is why she is not very

nice sometimes and why she says things that aren't true reflections of facts. I

swear, the next week was when I saw this episode of Two and Half Men and read

the " vanity card " that Chuck Lorre, the creator wrote about that very same

thing! I included the link if you want to read it.

C

http://chucklorre.com/index-2hm.php?p=369

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3

and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way.

I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a good topic.

I think Annie gave great advice and I would say something similar (except I am

LC currently) Panda.

My daughter will be 4 next month. She is definitely picking up that something is

amiss in my relationship with my nada but hasn't asked a lot of questions yet.

My nada eggs it on whenever she is around her by constantly saying " when are you

coming to my house to stay sweety? When are you going to spend the night " so the

following week I have to answer questions from my daughter on when she is going

to spend the night at Nana's house.

My dilemma is this: I could say " Honey, Nana has a sickness in her head and its

not safe to stay with her. You won't be spending the night at her house. "

but she is at the age where she is repeating everything I say to everyone and I

*know* next time she is around my nada and the spend the night issue comes up,

she'll say something like " Mommy says no because you're not safe " which will

trigger a huge reaction from my nada that I frankly don't want to deal with.

So I'm being chicken and only saying " No we aren't spending the night with Nanna

right now " and leaving it at that.

> > >

> > > Hello,

> > >

> > > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3

and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way.

I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

> > >

> > > Thanks!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think letting your daughter know that you aren't going to spend the night

because that is your decision is enough at this time. The boundary you need to

create is letting nada know that YOU will decide when/if your daughter spends

the night with ANYONE and at this time you do not wish for her to spend the

night away from home with or without you and she needs to quit circumventing

YOUR wishes by asking your daughter directly. you have to find a consequence

that will motivate nada to quit doing this and to keep reinforcing that

boundary. I have on occasion threatened to cut contact with my son and myself if

nada didn't back off on serious issues. I don't over use it, because I feel that

is reckless, but I will pull out the big guns when I feel strongly about it.

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is

3 and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the

way. I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really

starting to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my

in-laws, and my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father

and that her great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she

plays with her toys she even creates little families with them making certain

toys mommies, daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices

" where is mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea

of what I will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering

(especially from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your

children and what did you tell them?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i have been put in this difficult situation many times and i hate it. i have

been NC with my nada for nearly 2 years and everytime my 7 year old asks about

her i say " unfortunately she is not well enough to see all of us " there have

been isntanced where my daughter has asked as matter of factly is nada is dead?

or has she forgotten about us? also she has asked me to call her but in so many

words i have refused and said when she is ready to see us she will call. there

are times when i question if i am saying the right thing to her or not. as she

matures i will tell her more that reason why nada was hardly in her life was cos

of how she treated my and hubby and because she isnt well mentally my duty as a

mother is to protect not only myself my my kids as well. i think this has to be

the biggest challenge for me, as i know my nada will try and already has a bunch

to make me look as the 'bad mom'. i am always looking begind my shoulder to see

when she is going to strike again. sigh/

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is

3 and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the

way. I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really

starting to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my

in-laws, and my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father

and that her great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she

plays with her toys she even creates little families with them making certain

toys mommies, daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices

" where is mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea

of what I will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering

(especially from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your

children and what did you tell them?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My kids are older, and while I am LC, they do see her about twice a month.

There was a time where my younger child would ask why we didn't see her more

often. It was a hard question to answer, but I realized the answer would have

to be appropriate to the age.

For my younger daughter, she's 7, i would skirt around it by saying that we're

all too busy, and we see grandma every other Sunday and have fun then. Then she

(my daughter) tried to start having a phone relationship with my mother, which

is nice, but I put the kaibosh on that. You can imagine all the information my

mother would have pilfered out of her. It's not easy to explain mental illness

to a small child, so I offered as few details as possible.

With my older daughter...well, she really never asked. She loves my mother but

has always sensed her overbearing weirdness. She was always closer to my

husband's mother. One time, my daughter had a crush on a boy and was crying

about it and said, " I wish nana (my mother in law) was still alive...I need to

talk to her... " It was so sweet...but also sad that she KNEW she couldn't

depend on my mother for that kind of confidentiality. If she told my mother

about a boy, my mother would act interested, give her canned advice, and then

laugh her ass off about it and tell EVERYone about it.

All of that to say, it's a hard question to answer without sounding like you're

a mean person who is just trying to keep your kids from your mother. It sounds

like your child has good ties to her other grandparents, which is wonderful.

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is 3 and

I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the way. I

have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really starting

to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my in-laws, and

my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father and that her

great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she plays with her

toys she even creates little families with them making certain toys mommies,

daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices " where is

mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea of what I

will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering (especially

from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your children and

what did you tell them?

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

I was planning on telling our son if nada had lived long enough that he would

notice that his other grandma is very sick and her sickness hurts other people

and disrupts peaceful relationships. Fortunately for me she died before he was

really old enough to notice/ask. I'd imagine he will one day and well she and

my dad both died rather young. Odd the way it happened in my case was thatÂ

she died not long after Charlie had his tonsils out and we were recovering from

MONTHS of dealing with strep throat. Ironically one of my concerns almost came

true but I managed to minimize the damage by ignoring her monkeys that showed up

to work that will always be referred to as the 'creepy clown lady' so lovingly

after the fact. Somehow it was timed that I was at home with a sick kid when

the harrassment started but died quickly when I told the monkey to screw off.

profl laf

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, December 18, 2011 10:16 AM

Subject: Re: What do you tell your kids when they ask about

your nada?

Â

I think letting your daughter know that you aren't going to spend the night

because that is your decision is enough at this time. The boundary you need to

create is letting nada know that YOU will decide when/if your daughter spends

the night with ANYONE and at this time you do not wish for her to spend the

night away from home with or without you and she needs to quit circumventing

YOUR wishes by asking your daughter directly. you have to find a consequence

that will motivate nada to quit doing this and to keep reinforcing that

boundary. I have on occasion threatened to cut contact with my son and myself if

nada didn't back off on serious issues. I don't over use it, because I feel that

is reckless, but I will pull out the big guns when I feel strongly about it.

> > > >

> > > > Hello,

> > > >

> > > > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child is

3 and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the

way. I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really

starting to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my

in-laws, and my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father

and that her great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she

plays with her toys she even creates little families with them making certain

toys mommies, daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices

" where is mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea

of what I will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering

(especially from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your

children and what did you tell them?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello fellow KOs,

My kids are all young adults now and have lived with very LC (once every couple

of years) their entire lives. I have been honest with them according to age.

For repeated questioning, I simply said (paraphrased), " Grandma has a mental

illness that makes her say and do some mean things and I don't want her doing

and saying those mean things to us. " I believe that if you seem to be avoiding

something or covering something up, your kids will know and may even become more

persistent and frequent in their questioning. They are perceptive little

things! Of course, they will ask more specific questions and I would try to

answer as non-judgmentally as possible, for example, " She (nada) yelled at me. "

Why? " Because her brain has an illness that makes her yell sometimes. " Is there

a medicine she can take for her brain? " No. The only way to avoid being yelled

at is to not see her too often. " I usually don't let this questioning go on ad

infinitum, though. If it does, I say, " Let's talk about something else now. " I

don't think it is wrong to let kids see that this topic makes Mommy a little

sad; in fact, Mommy can be seen as strong and facing the problem by developing a

plan to survive the problem (in our case, LC and limit-setting when visiting

with her). As the kids grew older, nada, without fail, did or said something

that illustrated her BPD to the kids. Invariably, the kids would later ask,

" What is Grandma doing? Is this her brain problem acting up? " Yes it is and we

are leaving.

Now that my kids are 21, 18 and 18 (yep, twins), it is enlightening to hear

their impressions and thoughts about nada. They have all told me that they

appreciated my honesty in answering their questions because they knew at fairly

young ages that there was something wrong with nada. My daughter told me that

she asked me questions because she wanted answers as to why nada was " so weird. "

It was almost as if she wanted my affirmation of what she already knew anyway.

Interesting.

So, my advice is honesty, but take care to stay factual and non-judgmental, and

keep the conversations brief, ie, don't dwell on the topic. At the end of the

day, the whole issue is more about how we show our own children the mentally

healthy way to deal with our nadas.

Away from the Fire

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello,

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been NC with nada for about a year and 1/2. My youngest child

is 3 and I am pretty sure she doesn't remember nada. We also have another on the

way. I have no plans to ever stop being NC, but I know my daughter is really

starting to notice family relationships. She is very close to my father, my

in-laws, and my grandparents. She understands that her grandfather is my father

and that her great-grandparents are her grandfather's mom and dad. When she

plays with her toys she even creates little families with them making certain

toys mommies, daddies or babies. I know the day is coming when she asks/notices

" where is mommy's mom? " . I'm hoping it doesn't come too soon and I have an idea

of what I will tell my children when the time does come, but I was wondering

(especially from fellow NC parents) if you have had this conversation with your

children and what did you tell them?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks!

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Here's an alternative suggestion for you. The next time Nada and your child get

together, say in front of them, " Now, please my remember my policy that Daughter

is not allowed overnights at this time. This is a gentle reminder and please

respect my wishes by not discussing this further. Thank you. " You say it to both

of them in front of each other. Nada will probably try to break the rule but the

child will be made uncomfortable by Nada's pushing her to go against her

mother's wishes. It may be the first time that Daughter sees what Nada's really

made of. If they try to argue with you, just pleasantly say the topic is off

limits right now, it's not open for discussion and change the subject. If Nada

blows into a full scale battle, this is a great lesson to go over later with

your daughter " on why we don't " go there " with Nada, because she has trouble

respecting rules and boundaries. "

I've seen this one work like a charm. I offer it for your consideration.

AFB