A confrontation with nada yesterday....and her games

[Guest guest]

Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few months

as I have went LC.

Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just not

answer the door.

Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to go to

a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell. I had

my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our way

out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give us

the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I have

every year.

I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come to

peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there yet.

And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE TO

HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet. Thanksgiving

weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother, got extremely

ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving breakfast until

Saturday.

Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I truly

understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm not to

that point yet.

I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her the

time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and let

her initiate anything further.

I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

The journey is all about figuring out what works and does not work for *you*.

Its OK if you're not ready or willing to go total No Contact; and its OK if you

never do that. There isn't one " right " or " best " way to deal with this stuff.

Some nadas are only mildly bpd, while others are severely mentally ill and a

serious physical danger to themselves or to others. Some nadas have more than

one mental illness, even. Each case is different.

I think the reason its so incredibly difficult for us KOs to be assertive with

our nadas is because as human beings we are (probably) both *genetically

hardwired* and *mentally conditioned/programmed* from birth to defer to her,

respect her and obey her. Its almost as though we are physically unable to

stand up to our own mother, even if we have little difficulty being assertive

with strangers or acquaintances who act inappropriately towards us or towards

our children.

We KOs struggle HARD to overcome a lifetime of brainwashing and the hard-wired

compulsion to obey/honor/respect this person; every molecule in our bodies is

screaming at us that she *has the right* to treat us any way she pleases,

because she is The Mother.... like she is a sacred Archetype of The Matriarch,

or something More than just a rather nasty/abusive/dangerous, or

demanding/childish/vampiric specimen of fellow human being. We KOs are nearly

paralyzed by our own nada's rage, her tears, or her needy demands.

I never could make myself really confront my own nada, tell her exactly what I

thought or how I felt. I gave her that much power over me. Pretty amazing, in

retrospect. Now that she is gone, it doesn't matter. The most I was ever able

to do was rather passive-aggressive: I went virtually go No Contact with her

about 4 years ago, truly my most self-assertive act RE nada, ever.

Seems a lot of us have an epiphany when we have our own children; my Sister did,

anyway. Sister was consciously aware that she did NOT want to treat her own

child the way she was treated, and as a mother herself, she was able to stand up

to nada RE her child's feelings, rights and safety even though Sister had a

harder time confronting nada about how our nada treated *her.*

So, anyway. This is just a long-winded way of saying that I hope you don't beat

yourself up too much. This whole thing is a learning process. We are learning

about ourselves and how to relate effectively and assertively but as kindly as

possible to someone who is mentally ill, and unable to treat *us* as a fellow

human being deserving respect.

We get to make mistakes and try again, and try different things, until we find

whatever it is that works best for us.

-Annie

>

> Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

>

> Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just not

answer the door.

>

> Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to go

to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell. I

had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

>

> In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

>

> She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

>

> It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I have

every year.

>

> I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

>

> She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet. Thanksgiving

weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother, got extremely

ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving breakfast until

Saturday.

>

> Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

>

> I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her the

time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and let

her initiate anything further.

>

> I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, reading your post made me remember these kinds of situations with my NADA

soooooo clearly I just had a visceral response. Among other things, I

remembered the particular pattern to her knocks on my door and how my anxiety

level would spike immediately.

On a completely practical level, I am concerned for your sake if (as below) you

simply tell her a time to come to see her grand daughter. The reason is because

that is open ended. BPDs use any and all ambiguity to their advantage (maybe

not even consciously). I suggest giving her a beginning and an ending time and

giving the event a name: a brunch, a tea, a dessert, it doesn't even matter.

Just make it at a time that works for you and explain the parameters clearly.

She'll either respect them or not and then you can respond accordingly.

Of course you feel disjointed. Your loyalties are being tugged in different

directions. I hope you have compassion for yourself. This stuff is really,

really hard.

Maybe if you just remember this one simple thing through this season, it will

help you stay grounded: this is your life/family/daughter/christmas/etc., you

get to enjoy it/them; if she can find it in herself to be part of it, great. If

not, it has to become her issue, not yours.

HC

>

> Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

>

> Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just not

answer the door.

>

> Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to go

to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell. I

had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

>

> In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

>

> She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

>

> It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I have

every year.

>

> I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

>

> She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet. Thanksgiving

weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother, got extremely

ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving breakfast until

Saturday.

>

> Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

>

> I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her the

time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and let

her initiate anything further.

>

> I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

I felt like I was reliving a moment from my own life back in September. My

family was caught off guard by my NADA's unexpected appearance & even after

telling her one of us had the stomach virus & the rest of us were not feeling

well, she barged in the door, had an awful attitude, tried her best to pick a

fight, asked a zillion condescending questions & left. After the silent

treatment for about a week, I called (out of total guilt & obligation) & got my

doors blown off. I was told how we treated her like a dog & she never feels

welcome at my house. That was September & the only contact I have had with her

since is when she called to ask that I return my grandmother's wedding rings to

her. She said a daughter like me does not deserve to wear them. I am still at

the struggling point myself even though this has been going on for almost 45

years. We had no contact with her at Thanksgiving & my husband said it was the

best Thanksgiving we have ever had & we have been married 26 years.

>

> Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

>

> Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just not

answer the door.

>

> Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to go

to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell. I

had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

>

> In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

>

> She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

>

> It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I have

every year.

>

> I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

>

> She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet. Thanksgiving

weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother, got extremely

ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving breakfast until

Saturday.

>

> Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

>

> I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her the

time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and let

her initiate anything further.

>

> I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Re your nada's demand: if your grandmother left her rings to you, then they are

not nada's to demand back; if that is the case I hope you will ignore your

nada's inappropriate, petulant, childish demand.

If the rings were left to nada and they are legally hers but she's let you

borrow them, then, if I were in your situation I would return them and never

think about them again.

(And be sure you return them in person with at least one witness present, or

find some other means of legally documenting that the rings were returned on X

date at X time to nada, in good condition.)

Try not to let her use *things* (objects, money, heirlooms) like that as a means

of pressuring you or emotionally torturing you. In my own situation, several

years ago I decided to tell my nada to take my name off all her financial papers

and out of her will so that she could not use that, or attempt to use that as a

tool to manipulate me, or to try and pit Sister and me against each other.

Telling nada to (more or less) take her money and shove it was about the only

way I could make my point. Apparently nada never did do that, she never

removed me, but I at least got my point across.

-Annie

> >

> > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> >

> > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> >

> > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> >

> > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> >

> > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> >

> > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> >

> > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> >

> > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> >

> > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> >

> > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> >

> > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs, big sister. I'm so sorry. What a spectacle she made; I felt like she put

the emotional show on when she showed up unannounced at your house mostly for

the benefit of her " disciple. "

First of all, I'm so proud of you for clearly stating your boundaries, despite

all her tears and wailing. Just because she's family does not mean she can show

up unannounced and does not mean she can just steamroll over your wishes. That's

inconsiderate, rude, and unloving. This is a lesson my family has had to learn.

NO, you cannot come by and expect me to open my door just because you had the

idea to ring by bell. NO, you cannot call me and expect me to drop everything to

listen to you talk to yourself. NO, I cannot drive you everywhere just because

you moved back to town and you don't know how to drive.

This part of your post -- " HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN

MY LIFE?? " -- if I had to write a book about my nada, that would be the title.

Nuff said.

btw, how dramatic of her to spin your brother's illness into her being abandoned

on Thanksgiving. Unreal.

I like your idea for handling Christmas, it puts a beginning and an end to her

visit.

>

> Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

>

> Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just not

answer the door.

>

> Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to go

to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell. I

had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

>

> In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

>

> She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

>

> It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I have

every year.

>

> I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

>

> She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet. Thanksgiving

weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother, got extremely

ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving breakfast until

Saturday.

>

> Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

>

> I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her the

time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and let

her initiate anything further.

>

> I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

" We had no contact with her at Thanksgiving & my husband said it was the best

Thanksgiving we have ever had & we have been married 26 years. "

My thought when I read that was, " I am SO happy you had a nice Thanksgiving.

They deserve it after 26 years of stress, guilt, and fear. "

Here's to 26++++ more!!!!

> >

> > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> >

> > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> >

> > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> >

> > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> >

> > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> >

> > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> >

> > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> >

> > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> >

> > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> >

> > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> >

> > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

All of these stories sound so much like my own. I only recently discovered BPD

and have come to grow suspicious that my mother could have this condition.

I still am wary of opening my front door to a doorbell ring and my mother only

dropped in unannounced once. I am recently married to my high school sweetheart

and have begun trying to set up boundaries in the past year. The year before I

let her call and email at whatever time. It began to affect me even at work so

the boundary was created no more emailing. I didn't even realize that severe

mood swings from one day to the next was a symptom... But now it makes more

sense.

We have no children yet and won't for a while but how to create those boundaries

definitely weighs on my mind. My mother is still very young and I am sure this

is only the beginning to a very long journey.

Any suggestions on how to approach her about the possibility of her having this

condition? I was thinking about doing so after the holidays... I've been the

only one in my family to " call her out " on so many other things, figure might as

well with this too.

Thanks,

Larissa

>

> >

> > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> >

> > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> >

> > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> >

> > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> >

> > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> >

> > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> >

> > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> >

> > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> >

> > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> >

> > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> >

> > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know you, or your situation, but for me telling my NADA is not an

option. it would do no good. my approach is to change myself. creating

boundaries is really hard, but I came to the realization that I want a

relationship with her in the long run, and that she was not very likely to

change, so I need to create one I can life with, and if she wants it too, she

will have to play by some rules for once. I think you should perhaps talk to

your siblings if you think it might do them some good, or if you think they will

understand.

I am in counseling it is helping. I recommend it. also read " stop walking on

eggshells. " if you have not.

In talking to my sisters this week i learned that many of them set the

boundaries I am working on years ago without knowing what it was they were

doing. and it has worked (perhaps my NADA Is more compliant than some?) my

situation is different than theirs in many ways, but I am encouraged by them.

> > >

> > > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> > >

> > > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> > >

> > > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on

our way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to

give us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> > >

> > > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> > >

> > > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> > >

> > > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have

come to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally

there yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I

HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME

AND MY FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> > >

> > > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> > >

> > > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> > >

> > > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> > >

> > > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> > >

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your great replies.

I always walk away from these situations feeling dazed and wondering if I did

the right thing....and then when I hear from all of you I have a reality check

and go " Oh yeah! That was really wrong of her! " .

Fiona - when you said - " That's inconsiderate, rude, and unloving. " I was so

grateful. I have a friend who made the remark that if my mom wasn't crazy I

probably wouldn't mind her dropping by. And I was kind of like - Ummm, yes I

would. Even if my mom wasn't crazy and a normal, loving mother, those rules

would still apply. And furthermore if my mom was a normal, loving mother who put

her children's needs first like NORMAL moms do, she wouldn't 'drop in' to start

with!

> >

> > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> >

> > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> >

> > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> >

> > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on our

way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to give

us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> >

> > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> >

> > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> >

> > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have come

to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally there

yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I HAVE

TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME AND MY

FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> >

> > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> >

> > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> >

> > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> >

> > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> >

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with you, I think that dropping in on people unannounced is rude and

presumptuous, and the very definition of " intrusive. " It presumes that the

individual you're dropping in on has nothing better or more urgent to do than

see you.

Even when I phone someone, I ask if its a good time for them to talk, and I'm

never insulted if I can't reach them and have to leave a message. I think

that's why I like e-mail so much, its a very benign, non-intrusive and

equalizing form of communication.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Nada has shown up at my door unannounced several times over the last few

months as I have went LC.

> > >

> > > Fortunately, the last time, I was able to retreat to our basement and just

not answer the door.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, we were literally loading the last casserole dish in the car to

go to a Christmas gathering with my husband's family when she rings my doorbell.

I had my husband put our daughter in the car and told him I'd handle it.

> > > Nada had her " new " friend in the car with her, an elderly woman she has

befriended that I am assuming is giving her money for her " mission trip " or

making regular deposits into her Narcissism bank or both.

> > >

> > > In sum, I proceeded to calmly tell her we could not visit as we were on

our way out for other plans and that she needed to respect our family enough to

give us the courtesy of a phone call before she dropped in.

> > >

> > > She started crying, said she was my mother and she was my family and she

shouldn't have to call. She should be able to drop in whenever she wanted. Went

into how it wasn't that she didn't respect us, blahh blah blah. Then she kept

saying I never answered the phone so what good would that do. I told her she

could actually say on my voicemail what her intentions were (as she never leaves

a real voicemail) but she just kept into the crying and speeches about how I

never answer her phone calls, yada yada.

> > >

> > > It was a real downer before heading to the only happy family gathering I

have every year.

> > >

> > > I know so many of you have reached a point in your grief where you have

come to peace with not having a real mother in your life. But I'm not totally

there yet. And its Christmas time. And I just wanted to SCREAM at her - WHY DO I

HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU?? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT MY HOME

AND MY FAMILY?!? HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SHOW UP TO RUIN THE HAPPY TIMES IN MY LIFE??

> > >

> > > She hasn't mentioned getting together for Christmas weekend yet.

Thanksgiving weekend my brother, who was hosting our breakfast with our mother,

got extremely ill with a stomach virus and we had to postpone Thanksgiving

breakfast until Saturday.

> > >

> > > Being the BPD she is, she put it all over Facebook that she was alone on

Thanksgiving and some random person invited her to dinner with them. Never once

asked how my brother was doing, if he was ok, if she could help him. So I know

the silence about Christmas is all a game to see if her children are going to

leave her to be " alone " on Christmas like we did Thanksgiving.

> > > Like my brother planned his illness....?? I'm so exhausted from it all. I

truly understand in light of this drama why so many of you have gone NC but I'm

not to that point yet.

> > >

> > > I think my strategy for Christmas is going to be to call her and tell her

the time she is welcome to come by to see her granddaughter on Christmas day and

let her initiate anything further.

> > >

> > > I know this post probably sounds disjointed....about how I feel right now.

> > >

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > >

> >

>