Re: Been a long time and Just wanted to say hi

[Guest guest]

Kazam,

May I ask how you confronted your Mom and gave her a chance to change?

I confronted her on the phone 3 weeks ago with her illness as no one dares to

tell her she has BPD (psychiatrist diagnosed her) and about 2 days ago I said

the same thing over the phone in response to her " I think I'm dying " stunt and

sent her text messages and emails to get her to look up BPD on the internet -

she got back to me with - oh you shouldn't believe doctors, this doctor

specializes in addicts and I'm not an addict, I won't give my flesh to the

doctors to play with, not everything has one solution, there are many solutions

to problems, look closer to home (ie. I'm to blame) for why my condition is this

way, I need to see my grandchildren once a week and that way I'll feel better,

etc.

On another note, I don't trust Mom with my kids - she has asked several times to

have me drive them over for the day and leave them there and I just don't trust

her, don't trust what she will tell them about me - they are young - 2 and 5

year olds and I have a younger baby as well - she never helped one bit, she

never offered to cook or help or clean, never gave any money, hardly gave any

gifts to my children, she claims I don't involve her - once I left my then 2

year old in her care and went to the gym only to come back and find that she had

left the house and left the child with someone else in the house! I vowed never

to allow her to babysit again. And I haven't. Have you had any experiences with

grandchildren and how do you suggest going forward? Would you allow

grandchildren to call her from time to time, or her to call them, even if I were

NC with her? Or would you prohibit that? And how would you even begin to explain

this all to a young child?

N

> It has been a very long time since I have posted. I have been NC for over a

year with Nada now. To tell you the truth I barely think of her these days. My

husband and I just bought a business and are so happy and busy. I now focus on

giving my energy to areas in my life that deserve it and benefit from my love

and efforts. I really feel that I have moved on and just decided to focus on the

positive in my life. I can't really explain it but from thinking of her every

minute of the day when I first went NC to now thinking of her barely ever

strikes me as odd. I don't question it as I am so happy and feel so free from

the burden and pain she has caused over my lifetime. I do not feel sad for me

anymore because I have grieved the loss of a mother. Today I feel sad for her

that she is missing a wonderful daughter grand-daughter and son-in-law. All

because she was confronted and made the decision to not to change. I gave her

the chance and she decided to stay in her self-destructive life.

> I could not watch or support her anymore.

> So to everyone out there I just want to reassure you that NC does get easier

and it is the best thing thing I have ever done, even though it was the hardest.

> I know that I made the right decision and my life has only improved since

being strong enough to say no more and believing that it was OK to do so.

> I send love and prayers to you all with this difficult journey. I hope that

letting go and being free of the past can allow you all to live the life that

was meant for you.

> One day I know I will have to face more challenges with Nada as she is still

living here on Earth, but as time goes by I get stronger and happier and I pray

that I will be in a great place of strength and peace to face what ever

challenges come my way. I hope this for all here too.

>

> Blessings,

> Kazam x

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi N,

I just got to a stage where I couldn't do it anymore and it was affecting my

life as a mother and wife. I live a long way from her now which makes it

easier. I too could not trust her with my daughter even though she loved her

very much.

My daughter is 9 now but even after a few visits she could see that Nada was a

little strange.

Nada use to send cards/presents/letters to my daughter but they also had a dig

at me. I never responded to them and eventually she stopped. It was very

difficult to stop the contact with my daughter but it would of been even harder

had I allowed her to be in the middle of the games.

My husband and I have told our daughter that Nada is living a very unhealthy

life and making bad choices that affect us. Nada gambled alot of money away and

also drinks alot. I have to protect my family from the consequences of Nada's

life. I think Nada thought I would just be the good daughter and always pick up

the pieces. I knew it would destroy my marriage if Nada ever ended up here

after she had nothing and no-one.

BPD is all about denial. Nada is a waife and also makes everyone feel sorry for

her that my brother and I have denied her seeing her grandchildren. I basically

said if she wants to be in our life she has to seek therapy and make alot of

changes.

She has chosen not to so now I just stay strong to my decision.

For me I just had to believe so strongly that it was the right one.

I have told our daughter that she can contact Nada when she is old enough if she

wishes but for now Nada is not treating me very nicely and I don't want her to

be in the middle.

I hope this answers any questions. Nada also only played the grandparent when

she wanted. Like you there was no support and her grandchildren where just there

for her when she felt like it and wasn't busy in her own life.

Take care and never stop believing in your gut instincts. Deep down we know

what is really right for us. Just because it is our mother doesn't mean we have

to not have boundries.

There are some great books I can recommend that helped me if you are interested.

Kazam x

>

> > It has been a very long time since I have posted. I have been NC for over a

year with Nada now. To tell you the truth I barely think of her these days. My

husband and I just bought a business and are so happy and busy. I now focus on

giving my energy to areas in my life that deserve it and benefit from my love

and efforts. I really feel that I have moved on and just decided to focus on the

positive in my life. I can't really explain it but from thinking of her every

minute of the day when I first went NC to now thinking of her barely ever

strikes me as odd. I don't question it as I am so happy and feel so free from

the burden and pain she has caused over my lifetime. I do not feel sad for me

anymore because I have grieved the loss of a mother. Today I feel sad for her

that she is missing a wonderful daughter grand-daughter and son-in-law. All

because she was confronted and made the decision to not to change. I gave her

the chance and she decided to stay in her self-destructive life.

> > I could not watch or support her anymore.

> > So to everyone out there I just want to reassure you that NC does get easier

and it is the best thing thing I have ever done, even though it was the hardest.

> > I know that I made the right decision and my life has only improved since

being strong enough to say no more and believing that it was OK to do so.

> > I send love and prayers to you all with this difficult journey. I hope that

letting go and being free of the past can allow you all to live the life that

was meant for you.

> > One day I know I will have to face more challenges with Nada as she is still

living here on Earth, but as time goes by I get stronger and happier and I pray

that I will be in a great place of strength and peace to face what ever

challenges come my way. I hope this for all here too.

> >

> > Blessings,

> > Kazam x

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kazam,

Thank you ever so much for your wonderful email. You and I definitely share the

same Mom, except that my Mom is the " Queen " personality and she lives much

closer, about 10 minutes away - more than that, our culture over here is big on

family and family ties - mothers apparently can do no wrong, and to be labeled a

mental patient is not common - people are hush hush about it. I'm trying to

protect my children and husband from her illness and I took the same path you

did - about 2 days ago I told her that if she wanted in to our life and wanted

us to stand by her, she had better go into therapy - otherwise, forget it.

Actually the psychiatrist who diagnosed her told me that she will never get

better as there are certain chemicals in the brain that decrease in old age, and

these chemicals are essential in helping bring about " change " - which is why my

Mom is not going to change. Do you believe that therapy will fix her or that

she will never change?

N

> Hi N,

> I just got to a stage where I couldn't do it anymore and it was affecting my

life as a mother and wife. I live a long way from her now which makes it easier.

I too could not trust her with my daughter even though she loved her very much.

> My daughter is 9 now but even after a few visits she could see that Nada was a

little strange.

> Nada use to send cards/presents/letters to my daughter but they also had a dig

at me. I never responded to them and eventually she stopped. It was very

difficult to stop the contact with my daughter but it would of been even harder

had I allowed her to be in the middle of the games.

> My husband and I have told our daughter that Nada is living a very unhealthy

life and making bad choices that affect us. Nada gambled alot of money away and

also drinks alot. I have to protect my family from the consequences of Nada's

life. I think Nada thought I would just be the good daughter and always pick up

the pieces. I knew it would destroy my marriage if Nada ever ended up here after

she had nothing and no-one.

> BPD is all about denial. Nada is a waife and also makes everyone feel sorry

for her that my brother and I have denied her seeing her grandchildren. I

basically said if she wants to be in our life she has to seek therapy and make

alot of changes.

> She has chosen not to so now I just stay strong to my decision.

> For me I just had to believe so strongly that it was the right one.

> I have told our daughter that she can contact Nada when she is old enough if

she wishes but for now Nada is not treating me very nicely and I don't want her

to be in the middle.

> I hope this answers any questions. Nada also only played the grandparent when

she wanted. Like you there was no support and her grandchildren where just there

for her when she felt like it and wasn't busy in her own life.

> Take care and never stop believing in your gut instincts. Deep down we know

what is really right for us. Just because it is our mother doesn't mean we have

to not have boundries.

> There are some great books I can recommend that helped me if you are

interested.

> Kazam x

>

>

> >

> > > It has been a very long time since I have posted. I have been NC for over

a year with Nada now. To tell you the truth I barely think of her these days. My

husband and I just bought a business and are so happy and busy. I now focus on

giving my energy to areas in my life that deserve it and benefit from my love

and efforts. I really feel that I have moved on and just decided to focus on the

positive in my life. I can't really explain it but from thinking of her every

minute of the day when I first went NC to now thinking of her barely ever

strikes me as odd. I don't question it as I am so happy and feel so free from

the burden and pain she has caused over my lifetime. I do not feel sad for me

anymore because I have grieved the loss of a mother. Today I feel sad for her

that she is missing a wonderful daughter grand-daughter and son-in-law. All

because she was confronted and made the decision to not to change. I gave her

the chance and she decided to stay in her self-destructive life.

> > > I could not watch or support her anymore.

> > > So to everyone out there I just want to reassure you that NC does get

easier and it is the best thing thing I have ever done, even though it was the

hardest.

> > > I know that I made the right decision and my life has only improved since

being strong enough to say no more and believing that it was OK to do so.

> > > I send love and prayers to you all with this difficult journey. I hope

that letting go and being free of the past can allow you all to live the life

that was meant for you.

> > > One day I know I will have to face more challenges with Nada as she is

still living here on Earth, but as time goes by I get stronger and happier and I

pray that I will be in a great place of strength and peace to face what ever

challenges come my way. I hope this for all here too.

> > >

> > > Blessings,

> > > Kazam x

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Kazam, welcome back!

>

> It has been a very long time since I have posted. I have been NC for over a

year with Nada now. To tell you the truth I barely think of her these days. My

husband and I just bought a business and are so happy and busy. I now focus on

giving my energy to areas in my life that deserve it and benefit from my love

and efforts. I really feel that I have moved on and just decided to focus on

the positive in my life. I can't really explain it but from thinking of her

every minute of the day when I first went NC to now thinking of her barely ever

strikes me as odd. I don't question it as I am so happy and feel so free from

the burden and pain she has caused over my lifetime. I do not feel sad for me

anymore because I have grieved the loss of a mother. Today I feel sad for her

that she is missing a wonderful daughter grand-daughter and son-in-law. All

because she was confronted and made the decision to not to change. I gave her

the chance and she decided to stay in her self-destructive life.

> I could not watch or support her anymore.

> So to everyone out there I just want to reassure you that NC does get easier

and it is the best thing thing I have ever done, even though it was the hardest.

> I know that I made the right decision and my life has only improved since

being strong enough to say no more and believing that it was OK to do so.

> I send love and prayers to you all with this difficult journey. I hope that

letting go and being free of the past can allow you all to live the life that

was meant for you.

> One day I know I will have to face more challenges with Nada as she is still

living here on Earth, but as time goes by I get stronger and happier and I pray

that I will be in a great place of strength and peace to face what ever

challenges come my way. I hope this for all here too.

>

> Blessings,

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

Hi N,

Just wondering where you are from because of the social stigma you mentioned?

I don't think whether Nada will change anymore like I use to. I think after I

fully grieved the loss of a mother I just moved on to an acceptance stage. I

lived on the hope that she would change and be a better more supportive, sane

mother for 40 years.

Deep down I know she wont and that was easier to move on. I just focus on the

good things I do have in my life now and not waste energy on what is not good.

Nada has already wasted so much of my tears, frustrations and sleepless nights.

When I was a teenager I also tried to end my life because I had a fear of being

like her. I am here now and so lucky that I got to experience a life without

her. The pain and the trauma of her BPD parenting still surface in my dreams on

the odd occassion, but I know that PTSD is real and will never go away. It is

something just to live with and also accept. The experience I have gained from

my life has made me such a better person. Maybe if I didn't go through what I

did I would not be the person I am today. I like myself now and know I am

making a better healthy life by changing the blueprint for my daughter and our

future generation.

Hope today finds you well, happy and strong.

Kazam x

>

> It has been a very long time since I have posted. I have been NC for over a

year with Nada now. To tell you the truth I barely think of her these days. My

husband and I just bought a business and are so happy and busy. I now focus on

giving my energy to areas in my life that deserve it and benefit from my love

and efforts. I really feel that I have moved on and just decided to focus on

the positive in my life. I can't really explain it but from thinking of her

every minute of the day when I first went NC to now thinking of her barely ever

strikes me as odd. I don't question it as I am so happy and feel so free from

the burden and pain she has caused over my lifetime. I do not feel sad for me

anymore because I have grieved the loss of a mother. Today I feel sad for her

that she is missing a wonderful daughter grand-daughter and son-in-law. All

because she was confronted and made the decision to not to change. I gave her

the chance and she decided to stay in her self-destructive life.

> I could not watch or support her anymore.

> So to everyone out there I just want to reassure you that NC does get easier

and it is the best thing thing I have ever done, even though it was the hardest.

> I know that I made the right decision and my life has only improved since

being strong enough to say no more and believing that it was OK to do so.

> I send love and prayers to you all with this difficult journey. I hope that

letting go and being free of the past can allow you all to live the life that

was meant for you.

> One day I know I will have to face more challenges with Nada as she is still

living here on Earth, but as time goes by I get stronger and happier and I pray

that I will be in a great place of strength and peace to face what ever

challenges come my way. I hope this for all here too.

>

> Blessings,

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Kazam,

I am from Asia (Middle East) where there is a strong emphasis on family and

family bonds - In my country, family are your support system and friendships are

not given as much importance as family ties - we emphasize blood relations and I

envie people who have great family ties, they are constantly supporting and

helping each other - every mother around me seems like the sweet, supportive,

caring mother - and I don't have that, which is why I feel isolated and deprived

at times - What compounds the situation even further is that my mother in law is

VERY supportive, I suspect she had a BPD father, which is why she is so sweet

and caring - my mother constantly takes jabs at her and tries to get me to hate

her, and her to hate me. at times it has worked, but finally I got out of that,

as soon a I knew my Mom had BPD, now she cannot sway me against anyone - I have

also lost friendships because of her, I have taken decisions in my life that I

wouldn't have, had it not been for her constant nagging - well, at least I am

free of that now - Which is why these days I seriously think of leaving the

country, and starting life somewhere else, just to get out of her influence - I

don't let her in my life now, but she does try to weasle back in. The problem

is, in a society like this, I'm bound to bump into my Mom, and that does stress

me out. I have 3 children, and my husband is not inclined to moving,

considering he moved back here just to be with his aging parents, I don't blame

him, they are GREAT parents - but as you see, I am constantly reminded bitterly

of my own family life when I look at his wonderful family, I keep wondering WHY

this is happening to me - but again, I know I wouldn't be the person that I am

without that BPD experience, and like you, I do like myself. What is one to do?

I am a very social person and had a large social network when I was in school,

but that all changed after I returned, and my Mom was constantly on my back

discrediting this friend and that friend until I cut off a lot of my friends -

anyway I don't have much time these days, what with 3 kids and all, but it would

be nice to have a large social network as I used to - I guess it's my fault for

letting all that fall by the wayside - being a mother took the life out of me,

especially as I felt my Mom envied me for having kids and did NOTHING to help,

she actually actively discouraged my having children, and every time she knew I

was pregnant would actually not act happy - for the birth of my third child a

few months back, she actually left the country just before the birth by about 2

weeks - I resented her for that, even though I knew I didn't want her there for

the birth - isn't that strange? In this society, birth is a big deal and people

come visit at the hospital - my mother wasn't there , and she took Dad with her.

Oh well.

Hugs,

N

> Hi N,

> Just wondering where you are from because of the social stigma you mentioned?

> I don't think whether Nada will change anymore like I use to. I think after I

fully grieved the loss of a mother I just moved on to an acceptance stage. I

lived on the hope that she would change and be a better more supportive, sane

mother for 40 years.

> Deep down I know she wont and that was easier to move on. I just focus on the

good things I do have in my life now and not waste energy on what is not good.

Nada has already wasted so much of my tears, frustrations and sleepless nights.

> When I was a teenager I also tried to end my life because I had a fear of

being like her. I am here now and so lucky that I got to experience a life

without her. The pain and the trauma of her BPD parenting still surface in my

dreams on the odd occassion, but I know that PTSD is real and will never go

away. It is something just to live with and also accept. The experience I have

gained from my life has made me such a better person. Maybe if I didn't go

through what I did I would not be the person I am today. I like myself now and

know I am making a better healthy life by changing the blueprint for my daughter

and our future generation.

>

> Hope today finds you well, happy and strong.

> Kazam x

>

> Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> .

>

>

[Guest guest]

N- don't beat yourself up about resenting your mom for not being there for the

birth of your third child, even though you knew it was better that she wasn't. I

figure we all have a moment of relapse of anger over not having that supportive

mom that we desire. Acknowledge it and turn your energies to the good

relationships that you have gotten like your mother-in-law.

Forgive yourself for doing what your mother was demanding from you by allowing

her to manipulate you into cutting your friends out of your life. You were only

doing what you have been conditioned for since birth. Once you have forgiven

yourself you will find that you have to space to fill your life back up with

good friends again.

C

>

> Dear Kazam,

>

> I am from Asia (Middle East) where there is a strong emphasis on family and

family bonds - In my country, family are your support system and friendships are

not given as much importance as family ties - we emphasize blood relations and I

envie people who have great family ties, they are constantly supporting and

helping each other - every mother around me seems like the sweet, supportive,

caring mother - and I don't have that, which is why I feel isolated and deprived

at times - What compounds the situation even further is that my mother in law is

VERY supportive, I suspect she had a BPD father, which is why she is so sweet

and caring - my mother constantly takes jabs at her and tries to get me to hate

her, and her to hate me. at times it has worked, but finally I got out of that,

as soon a I knew my Mom had BPD, now she cannot sway me against anyone - I have

also lost friendships because of her, I have taken decisions in my life that I

wouldn't have, had it not been for her constant nagging - well, at least I am

free of that now - Which is why these days I seriously think of leaving the

country, and starting life somewhere else, just to get out of her influence - I

don't let her in my life now, but she does try to weasle back in. The problem

is, in a society like this, I'm bound to bump into my Mom, and that does stress

me out. I have 3 children, and my husband is not inclined to moving,

considering he moved back here just to be with his aging parents, I don't blame

him, they are GREAT parents - but as you see, I am constantly reminded bitterly

of my own family life when I look at his wonderful family, I keep wondering WHY

this is happening to me - but again, I know I wouldn't be the person that I am

without that BPD experience, and like you, I do like myself. What is one to do?

I am a very social person and had a large social network when I was in school,

but that all changed after I returned, and my Mom was constantly on my back

discrediting this friend and that friend until I cut off a lot of my friends -

anyway I don't have much time these days, what with 3 kids and all, but it would

be nice to have a large social network as I used to - I guess it's my fault for

letting all that fall by the wayside - being a mother took the life out of me,

especially as I felt my Mom envied me for having kids and did NOTHING to help,

she actually actively discouraged my having children, and every time she knew I

was pregnant would actually not act happy - for the birth of my third child a

few months back, she actually left the country just before the birth by about 2

weeks - I resented her for that, even though I knew I didn't want her there for

the birth - isn't that strange? In this society, birth is a big deal and people

come visit at the hospital - my mother wasn't there , and she took Dad with her.

Oh well.

>

> Hugs,

> N

[Guest guest]

Thank you Carla!

Very well said - I should forgive myself - I guess that would be the way forward

- thank you ever so much for your support - it does mean a lot!

Hugs,

N

> N- don't beat yourself up about resenting your mom for not being there for the

birth of your third child, even though you knew it was better that she wasn't. I

figure we all have a moment of relapse of anger over not having that supportive

mom that we desire. Acknowledge it and turn your energies to the good

relationships that you have gotten like your mother-in-law.

>

> Forgive yourself for doing what your mother was demanding from you by allowing

her to manipulate you into cutting your friends out of your life. You were only

doing what you have been conditioned for since birth. Once you have forgiven

yourself you will find that you have to space to fill your life back up with

good friends again.

>

> C

>

>

> >

> > Dear Kazam,

> >

> > I am from Asia (Middle East) where there is a strong emphasis on family and

family bonds - In my country, family are your support system and friendships are

not given as much importance as family ties - we emphasize blood relations and I

envie people who have great family ties, they are constantly supporting and

helping each other - every mother around me seems like the sweet, supportive,

caring mother - and I don't have that, which is why I feel isolated and deprived

at times - What compounds the situation even further is that my mother in law is

VERY supportive, I suspect she had a BPD father, which is why she is so sweet

and caring - my mother constantly takes jabs at her and tries to get me to hate

her, and her to hate me. at times it has worked, but finally I got out of that,

as soon a I knew my Mom had BPD, now she cannot sway me against anyone - I have

also lost friendships because of her, I have taken decisions in my life that I

wouldn't have, had it not been for her constant nagging - well, at least I am

free of that now - Which is why these days I seriously think of leaving the

country, and starting life somewhere else, just to get out of her influence - I

don't let her in my life now, but she does try to weasle back in. The problem

is, in a society like this, I'm bound to bump into my Mom, and that does stress

me out. I have 3 children, and my husband is not inclined to moving, considering

he moved back here just to be with his aging parents, I don't blame him, they

are GREAT parents - but as you see, I am constantly reminded bitterly of my own

family life when I look at his wonderful family, I keep wondering WHY this is

happening to me - but again, I know I wouldn't be the person that I am without

that BPD experience, and like you, I do like myself. What is one to do? I am a

very social person and had a large social network when I was in school, but that

all changed after I returned, and my Mom was constantly on my back discrediting

this friend and that friend until I cut off a lot of my friends - anyway I don't

have much time these days, what with 3 kids and all, but it would be nice to

have a large social network as I used to - I guess it's my fault for letting all

that fall by the wayside - being a mother took the life out of me, especially as

I felt my Mom envied me for having kids and did NOTHING to help, she actually

actively discouraged my having children, and every time she knew I was pregnant

would actually not act happy - for the birth of my third child a few months

back, she actually left the country just before the birth by about 2 weeks - I

resented her for that, even though I knew I didn't want her there for the birth

- isn't that strange? In this society, birth is a big deal and people come visit

at the hospital - my mother wasn't there , and she took Dad with her. Oh well.

> >

> > Hugs,

> > N

>

>