Family relationships your BPD severed/destroyed

[Guest guest]

I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of the

family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and my

mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced my

dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all of

her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also BPD,

who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues contact

with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my family

heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I know

nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize to

her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was almost

8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan and

I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must feel.

I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

[Guest guest]

It would seem from what I've read here at this board and at others over the

years that its pretty common behavior for nadas to paint some individuals or

entire groups/sides of the family as " all bad " , and others as " all good " , and

will try to alienate their children from those whom nada considers " all bad. "

Now that you are an adult, you have the power to make your own decisions about

family members that your nada has alienated you from. I think its normal and

natural to want to meet and get to know members of your own blood kin. You have

the right and the ability to make your own decisions about who is and is not a

good person that you want to keep in your life.

-Annie

>

> I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

>

> When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

>

> I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

>

>

> All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

>

>

> Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

>

> I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all

of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

>

> Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

>

> I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

>

>

> All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

>

> But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

>

>

> I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

>

[Guest guest]

Sister,

completely relate to this. My own nada did her utmost to keep me from my dad's

side of the family, especially the ones that took care of me after she was

hospitalized for 6-8 months while I was a baby! My uncle, B and his wife J and

their four children aged six thru early teens took me in for that time. My dad

came to see me on weekends and take me around with him to visit the other

relatives. Uncle B and his wife divorced sometime not long after this and Aunt J

was kind of alienated further from us. Totally not her fault. My dad's family

tends to divorce as a whole even if it is truly more their sibling that was at

fault. This had been extrememly upsetting to my nada, as she has tried to

maintain contact with a few of them and they ignored her overtures. I think many

of them have an inkling of just how bad she is. I didn't get to visit or

socialize with them and was discouraged even as an adult. Sometime after my

parents divorced and I started to get a stronger dose of nada drama, I started

communicating with my dad's side of the family again and it was the best thing I

have ever done. I have no contact really with nadas side and that is because

they don't want to hear about her and her crap and she is probably telling them

god knows what lies. My cousins have been wonderful to me during all of my

husbands illness and subsequent passing. Unfortunately all of my dad's other

siblings have passed years ago. He is the only one left. I did have a chance to

reconnect with Uncle B before his death. I realized during therapy that it was

the time I spent with his family as a baby and the buffer that my dad tried to

maintian between me and nada that gave me the strength to be the person that

ended up becoming. I wrote him a very long letter telling him of my gratitude

for what he and his ex-wife did for me and his children. I realized there was a

strength that I drew from in my core that started there and never left me even

when I was fairly enmeshed myself.

Be brave and talk to your grandma and tell her you are sorry and hope that she

can forgive that you were formerly enmeshed with your own nada and that you are

so glad you got to know her. You need to let go of the past and forgive yourself

for your actions. You were heavily conditioned and groomed to do these very

things by your nada and can only be grateful for the fact that you have come to

realize it before it was " too late "

If your grandmother is any kind of healthy person, she probably already knows

all of this on some gut level and will be more gracious than you can imagine.

This will be healing to you. {{{{Sister}}}}

C

>

> I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

>

> When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

>

> I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

>

>

> All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

>

>

> Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

>

> I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all

of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

>

> Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

>

> I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

>

>

> All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

>

> But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

>

>

> I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

>

[Guest guest]

How sad. Perhaps you should unburden yourself to your grandmother, just between

you and her. It would do you good to apologize, even though it technically is

not your fault that the rift was there to begin with. If she is anything like my

grandmother, she already understands and never held it against you.

As for your father, please tread carefully here. He was the one who was willing

to throw his family away on the say so of his wife and sister. This was his

choice, and his burden to make amends for.

>

> I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

>

> When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

>

> I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

>

>

> All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

>

>

> Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

>

> I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all

of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

>

> Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

>

> I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

>

>

> All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

>

> But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

>

>

> I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

>

[Guest guest]

I can SO relate to your story. My nada has painted every branch of the family

black over the years. My dad's side of the family. Her side of the family. My

dad himself- both before and after my parents divorced. And over the years I got

painted black and became the scapegoat/no good child when I tried to have

relationships with anyone my nada hated.

I did miss out on many years with my nada's side of the family. I never knew my

nada's sister really and only have memories of my nada screaming at her when we

went to visit once. I never had a relationship with my same age cousins either

due to this situation. My nada even cast a negative light on my grandmother

herself by telling me how she had done my nada wrong over the years.

I was able to have relationships with my dad's side of the family because my

father provided that opportunity, despite my nada's unhappiness with it. But

after my parents divorced, the pressure to conform to my nada's expectations to

stay away from them increased and because I was the only one in my FOO who

maintained contact, I was cast into the no good child role where I remain to

this day. But being no good to my nada and my two surviving siblings is a small

price to pay really compared to not having good quality relationships with the

25 members of my dad's side of the family whom my nada feels is terrible.

In fact, the decision to go no contact for a year to get healthy was simple.

When I compare how I felt being in drama filled contact with my nada, listening

to her bad mouth everyone in and out of my family, to the good quality

relationships I experience with folks outside of my nada's sphere of influence,

it was easy to walk away. Sure, I still feel a sadness for losing the good

shreds of my nada's and I's relationship, but I feel lighter, fresher and

happier.

So, as I look back at that those moments I lost with family members due to nada,

I understand how and why they happened and know that it is never too late to

repair and renew a relationship. Best of luck to you as you spend time with your

grandmother even at her advanced age. I feel it will be these good moments you

two are sharing that will be most remembered, not the lost time.

>

> I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

>

> When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

>

> I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

>

>

> All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

>

>

> Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

>

> I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all

of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

>

> Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

>

> I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

>

>

> All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

>

> But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

>

>

> I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

>

[Guest guest]

Not only can I relate to this, but every single one of my cousins can, too. My

nada is one of five children and EVERY single one of my aunts and uncles on my

nada's side told their children this lie....that no one else in the family cares

about you, that they really hate you and have done horrible things to your nada

and if they really cared they would have tried to contact you. I heard it my

whole life, too.

When my grandnada died, all of my cousins and I reconnected and shared our

stories about why we never reconnected after all these years and we ALL had the

same story!! And ironically, all of us are NC with our parents.

Interesting, isn't it???

AJ

>

> I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

>

> When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

>

> I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

>

>

> All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

>

>

> Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until I

began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my family

and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful lady who

is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to be

involved in my life.

>

> I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because all

of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

>

> Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

>

> I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of lies

and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all the

tumultuous relationships.

>

>

> All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

>

> But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

>

>

> I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of gold

that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow...! That false claim, so eerily repeated by ALL your nada's sibs AND by

your nada: " All your aunts, uncles and cousins are nasty, evil scumbags " , plus

you and ALL your cousins subsequently going No Contact with their own parents,

really does tell a tale of how borderline pd can operate. Thank goodness you

and your cousins decided to ignore the dysfunctional older generation of your

family and get in touch with each other, despite your parents' mutual dislike

and distrust for each other. I'm so happy for you that you guys were able to

get reacquainted as adults. That is heartwarming.

-Annie

> >

> > I have been mulling over something lately. I try not to dwell on it too much

because I can't change the past and can only change the future, but I just had

to get it off my chest.

> >

> > When I was growing up, I was always told (by my nada) that my dad's side of

the family were malicious gossips and said horrible things about us children and

my mother all over town. I was literally terrified if I ever ran into them in

public, even though they were always nice. By the time I was 6, my dad made the

decision that we would no longer associate with his family.

> >

> > I grew up never knowing any of father's SEVEN siblings, my grandmother or my

grandfather. I know for a fact, from hearing my father talk, there was some

physical abuse by the grandfather towards the children but never got details.

> >

> >

> > All that being said, in the last 7 years since my parents have been divorced

my dad has reconnected his relationship with his mother and has been seeing her

regularly. I got married right after my parents divorce and my dad kept asking

if I was going to invite my grandmother to the wedding. My nada had a complete

hysterical come apart and I am ashamed to say, convinced me it would be wrong to

invite my grandmother to my wedding because she had never cared about me. So I

didn't.

> >

> >

> > Fast forward to now. All of that poison remained in my mind and heart, until

I began LC and separating from nada over the past year. I started taking my

family and going with my dad to see my grandmother and found her a delightful

lady who is absolutely thrilled to see me whenever I come and appears to want to

be involved in my life.

> >

> > I have no doubt there is some history there of some sort of issue because

all of her sons have been married 2,3,4 times to complete WHACK jobs. I'm no

psychologist but whenever everyone in the family is marrying psycho's it makes

you wonder what the parents were like.

> >

> > Nevertheless, I have good reason to believe one of my dad's sisters is also

BPD, who has ironically always been good friends with my mom and continues

contact with her to this day. (*snort*) She doesn't associate with her family.

> >

> > I have about figured out my dad's sister is the one that created a lot of

lies and drama with my mom years ago regarding dad's family, resulting in all

the tumultuous relationships.

> >

> >

> > All that being said, I feel so cheated out of not knowing this part of my

family heritage. They are really good people. And they are part of who I am. I

know nothing about them. And my grandmother is 80 years old. I want to apologize

to her for not inviting her to my wedding but it would be awkward. That was

almost 8 years ago. I can't change any of that.

> >

> > But it just pisses me off that my grandmother is at the end of her lifespan

and I missed all these years of knowing her. I can't imagine how my dad must

feel.

> >

> >

> > I'm sorry for the long post but has anyone else realized relationships of

gold that your nada took from you after the fact? How did you cope with that?

> >

>