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Feeling guilty about arguing with BPD mom

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Hi everyone,

So I cancelled my trip to see my mom. We had an arguement a week ago During one

of her monologues about how much she loved me, i replied do you really? She

responded with what is that supposed to mean. I told her that she doesn't act

like she loves me thru her behavior. I went on to tell her that i didn't really

feel loved growing up and that she did not seem happy to be a mother. Her

response: You have had years of therapy you should be over it by now and

besides I wasn't that bad a mother there are much worse out there than me. Well,

she got mad and told me since this is the way i feel she does not want me to

come visit her. So, I had to cancel my flight etc. Now, why do I feel bad

about it? I hate that i end up feeling so darn guilty everytime I stand up to

her and tell her the truth of how it felt to be her daughter.

Here I sit feeling guilty like I said too much even though it was all the truth

of how i feel. I will admit that i went off in anger when she responded about

my having therapy and should be over it...I told her i felt my childhood was

horrible and I would rather die than ever go back to it. I told her she seemed

miserable and unhappy to have me, always drinking and very often mean to me, so

how can she say she loves me and that I am so important to her...I just don't

feel it. Never did. I said i was tired of her lying and rewriting history to

suit herself. The childhood she remembers and the one I do are very different.

I get mad because she doens't ever validate anything I feel she just insists she

did her best and she isn't that bad and she didn't have such a great mother

either so i should just get over it. Well, In my opinion she was that bad.

Anyone who knows her knows it was that bad but she will never admit it!

Yes, I will admit she is better to me now in some ways but it is becuase I am

grown and self sufficient so she doesn't have a child who is needing her etc.

She hated that and was always dumping me somewhere so she could be out partying,

etc.

I just don't understand why i feel so guilty and she can go about her life not

overwhelmed with guilt at all. I get so frustrated with myself that I am still

always feeling guilty and questioning did i say too much. Meanwhile she is

perfectly content blaming me for causing this lastest rift.

My question is how do you deal with the guilt? How do you just let it go I still

haven't found a way to do it....Any thoughts are welcome.

Thank You.

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