Nada and Boundaries - plus how crazy can they get?

[Guest guest]

Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

Enough is enough!

How much more Low Contact can I take?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

It is exhausting, isn't it.

I wonder; you're mother is sounding pretty delusional and somewhat paranoid.

You may need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she is close to the

point of actively hallucinating. This has recently happened with my nada.

If that happens, have you looked into various options regarding assisted care

for your mother? Sister had to do that with our mother recently because nada

was starting to act out in self-destructive ways. She was reported wandering

around the grounds of her apartment complex at night, taking her small

possessions and hiding them around her apartment and scattering them around the

complex grounds, plus she was phoning the apartment manager and 911 at all hours

reporting things like break-ins or crowds of people surrounding her building,

things that weren't actually happening.

Its sad, but its a possibility that you may need to be dealing with soon.

-Annie

>

> Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

>

> But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

>

> Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

>

> Enough is enough!

>

> How much more Low Contact can I take?

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Annie,

Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up all

night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> >

> > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> >

> > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> >

> > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> >

> > Enough is enough!

> >

> > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're so right! It's like we have to pick and choose through the debris of

social norms and things we take for granted - most things we know have been

hammered into our heads by our parents, thank God I have a normal parent out

there, but it's like I have to re-learn stuff and discard stuff that I have

discovered is the result of BPD conditioning. It's a HUGE job.

I actually have a question: I'm not a very trusting person in general, I'm sure

it has to do with the BPD - I'm about to send my kid to school for the first

time and I'm really nervous about him going out there on his own (5 years old) ,

I imagine he may cry, etc. I've read a lot about homeschooling and my husband

doesn't agree at all. Where I live, homeschooling is not legal - I thought of

moving away just to have that option. Do you think all my nervousness comes

from my life with BPD Mom? It's really hard for me to let go of my kids, I

don't trust babysitters, don't trust except my mother in law to look after them

, and my husband of course - anyway how I can shake this off and have " normal "

fears about stuff? I feel I have fears about things which are just not " normal. "

I'm already having dreams whereby there are excuses that come up why I don't

have to send my kid to school. Keep in mind that I haven't sent my kids to

preschool either. I have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and a 3 month old.

N

> Hey Annie,

>

> Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up all

night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

>

> She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

>

> I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

>

> Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

>

> -

[Guest guest]

I'm betting that some of the members here who are mothers can give you some good

advice in this regard. I imagine it is difficult to let your little one go off

to school for the first time. Maybe you can take him there/pick him up by car

or walk him there and back again for the first few months, until he gets used to

the route, and has friends to walk with him. Or, maybe there is a school bus

for him to take. In any case, me personally, I wouldn't let a small child walk

to and from school alone. These days, I think its just too risky. At five,

he's probably plenty ready to start making a wider circle of friends among his

classmates. Some schools offer the mothers to come in and take turns being the

" class mother " , which means being sort of like the teacher's aide. Maybe your

school has that option for you; that way you'll be there sometimes and it would

be fun for both you and your little boy.

-Annie

>

> > Hey Annie,

> >

> > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up

all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> >

> > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> >

> > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> >

> > Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> >

> > -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In regards to boundaries, especially with my kids, my mom loves to sail right

past them. When we're visiting she goes out of her way to give my son the

opposite of what I want him given. I say no soda, she stocks the fridge with

Orange soda. I say no candy before we leave because it is bedtime, she pulls

out chocolate. I lay them down, she just ignores. I am with you, it gets

tiring having to battle constantly, especially when they don't listen.

>

> Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

>

> But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my isick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

>

> Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

>

> Enough is enough!

>

> How much more Low Contact can I take?

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

it sounds like you are overexposed to your mom. I can so relate where you

mentioned your 'sick patterns of relating' and being surrounded by difficult

people. Many hugs. I know what that is like, drawing them in, and then there

they are.

at least you are aware you are drained and exhausted. that is an accomplishment.

It matters. I spent almost ten years in 12 step recovery thinking that I was

good at dealing with feelings. It was only after a relapse and many years of

proof to the contrary that I realized that the feelings I was good at dealing

with were other people's and I didn't have clue most of the time what mine were.

Now that i have that awareness I am working on it but I know doing the opposite

of what I have always done when it comes to relating is the most bizarre,

exhausting state. *Everything* feels upside down and backwards.

I think if I had facebook and was trying to do LC or NC I would have to just not

have the person on there or block or hide them except at intervals like once a

month. Because it's almost like daily contact when you are talking about a

volatile relationship like that.

It's so interesting to me that around your seven year old your mom seems like

she is seven years old too. Like she is trying to be a playmate to your child

and a child to you instead of a mother. No wonder you are worn out. If someone

had actually dropped off a 7 year old orphan at your house you'd be worn out,

but you'd know why. Especially a mentally ill dysfunctional one.

>

> Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

>

> But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

>

> Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

>

> Enough is enough!

>

> How much more Low Contact can I take?

>

> -Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

I don't have children, and one of the reasons I have not actively pursued it is

because of my fear level and the knowledge that because of my history of sexual

abuse I would not trust anyone, ever, and i have seemed to become more phobic

about things as time goes on.

I think that is a very valid question, and probably deserves it's own thread

instead of being buried down here at the bottom.

There are advantages to being schooled in a large environment and there are

disadvantages. I met two girls who'd been homeschooled when I was in a paralegal

program, one of them was graduating high school at sixteen and was with a large

group of families that organized things like having tutors come for the groups,

it seemed like an amazing experience for her, she was starting the paralegal

program at 16 and preparing to go on to become an attorney by working as a

paralegal and putting herself through school. The other girl I did not know as

well but she was just as intelligent. I think it depends on the provider of the

schooling. I don't think it's a bad thing at all, unless the child is gregarious

or involved in a lot of after school activities and would miss things that were

important to them. My sister in law's mother, who is just as bonkers as her

daughter, home schools her children but that is more an issue of controlling

behavior and wanting to keep them under her wing...in cases like those I think

it can be harmful, it depends on the emotional well-being of the parent and the

motives. At least you have the self-awareness to know that it might be more

about your own fears...you probably need more feedback pro and con and plus get

the experience of people who have done it, etc.

>

> > Hey Annie,

> >

> > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up

all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> >

> > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> >

> > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> >

> > Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> >

> > -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

has your nada been evaluated for bi=polar, the type that comes on in later life?

My dad's wife was acting like what you are describing. She was misdiagnosed then

finally got it right. She did some weird and even frightening things before

getting the right diagnosis.

Carla

> >

> > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> >

> > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> >

> > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> >

> > Enough is enough!

> >

> > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear N,

It's amazing that you write this because I had EXACTLY the same issues. It took

quite some time for me to work my way into a more " normal " way of relating - at

least what for me is normal. I had endless anxiety and worry over this issue of

homeschooling. I decided to let my son attend school because he wanted the

interaction with other kids SO much. But that's just us. For me it was very

much BPD effects.

Also, I recently read " The Gift of Fear. " This book talks about our natural

alert system that lets us know when we should be careful. Don't ignore your

intuition! I am learning to differentiate between BPD-related anxiety responses

and real warning signs from myself.

p.s. Homeschooling can be a WONDERFUL option for your kids if it is a good fit

for you. I applaud you for considering the possibility that it is related to

your own childhood, just in case. So you will feel confident you are making the

best decision for your kids. Also, you can always try one way or the other and

change it. I guess moving would be a HUGE issue though? :-)

Good luck!

Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> > Hey Annie,

> >

> > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up

all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> >

> > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> >

> > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> >

> > Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> >

> > -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. Thanks!

Those were excellent points - especially about parenting her. And not just

another child, but a difficult one at that. Things are so much easier when

she's just not here.

I think your term " overexposed " is perfect. Hmmm... what is the answer to this

question?... I believe we've been here before.

Ding, ding ding! You've got it: LESS CONTACT!!!

Wake up, self. How many times do we have to go through this???!!!

I just keep thinking, " maybe THIS time it will be different. "

Need some cold, hard facts from Doug right about now, huh?

Sincere Thanks,

Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my 7

year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> >

> > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days. And

with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> >

> > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> >

> > Enough is enough!

> >

> > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> >

> > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I didn't realize that breaks with reality/hallucinations are part of bi-polar

disorder; I'll have to ask my Sister if our nada has been tested for that

condition. That would be hopeful because there are meds that are effective for

bi-polar and other Axis I disorders. Thanks for the suggestion.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my

7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> > >

> > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days.

And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> > >

> > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > >

> > > Enough is enough!

> > >

> > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > >

> > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much! I guess my main fear is that they will get hurt by someone: i.e.

screamed at, physically abused, or sexually abused. I was not sexually abused,

so I don't know why I have this constant fear of it happening to my children.

My second fear is: they are alone at school without me, feeling miserable, with

no one to turn to, and crying - I guess I'm afraid they will feel they don't

know where to turn and don't know if I will be coming back to get them. I don't

remember my own childhood in terms of school - I remember as a child though that

I would not speak in public, even if the teacher asked me to say something, I

would go over to her and whisper in her ear. Once I spoke in front of a group

of girls and actually remember that they went in to tell the teacher that " the

girl spoke! " Of course I don't have that problem now, I'm a lawyer and very

outgoing. My Dad says that they took me to preschool when I was 3 and that the

teacher actually asked my parents to take me back and quit preschool, as it was

obvious I was not enjoying it! Any ideas here? I seemed to have lost my memory

somewhere down in my childhood and I'm guessing this may be why I'm reluctant to

let go of my kids. Maybe there's a repressed memory there?

N

> I don't have children, and one of the reasons I have not actively pursued it

is because of my fear level and the knowledge that because of my history of

sexual abuse I would not trust anyone, ever, and i have seemed to become more

phobic about things as time goes on.

>

> I think that is a very valid question, and probably deserves it's own thread

instead of being buried down here at the bottom.

>

> There are advantages to being schooled in a large environment and there are

disadvantages. I met two girls who'd been homeschooled when I was in a paralegal

program, one of them was graduating high school at sixteen and was with a large

group of families that organized things like having tutors come for the groups,

it seemed like an amazing experience for her, she was starting the paralegal

program at 16 and preparing to go on to become an attorney by working as a

paralegal and putting herself through school. The other girl I did not know as

well but she was just as intelligent. I think it depends on the provider of the

schooling. I don't think it's a bad thing at all, unless the child is gregarious

or involved in a lot of after school activities and would miss things that were

important to them. My sister in law's mother, who is just as bonkers as her

daughter, home schools her children but that is more an issue of controlling

behavior and wanting to keep them under her wing...in cases like those I think

it can be harmful, it depends on the emotional well-being of the parent and the

motives. At least you have the self-awareness to know that it might be more

about your own fears...you probably need more feedback pro and con and plus get

the experience of people who have done it, etc.

>

>

> >

> > You're so right! It's like we have to pick and choose through the debris of

social norms and things we take for granted - most things we know have been

hammered into our heads by our parents, thank God I have a normal parent out

there, but it's like I have to re-learn stuff and discard stuff that I have

discovered is the result of BPD conditioning. It's a HUGE job.

> >

> > I actually have a question: I'm not a very trusting person in general, I'm

sure it has to do with the BPD - I'm about to send my kid to school for the

first time and I'm really nervous about him going out there on his own (5 years

old) , I imagine he may cry, etc. I've read a lot about homeschooling and my

husband doesn't agree at all. Where I live, homeschooling is not legal - I

thought of moving away just to have that option. Do you think all my nervousness

comes from my life with BPD Mom? It's really hard for me to let go of my kids, I

don't trust babysitters, don't trust except my mother in law to look after them

, and my husband of course - anyway how I can shake this off and have " normal "

fears about stuff? I feel I have fears about things which are just not " normal. "

I'm already having dreams whereby there are excuses that come up why I don't

have to send my kid to school. Keep in mind that I haven't sent my kids to

preschool either. I have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and a 3 month old.

> >

> > N

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Can someone explain bi polar briefly?

N

> Annie,

>

> has your nada been evaluated for bi=polar, the type that comes on in later

life? My dad's wife was acting like what you are describing. She was

misdiagnosed then finally got it right. She did some weird and even frightening

things before getting the right diagnosis.

>

> Carla

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have 2 months left to figure out the homeschooling thing - where I live by 6

children have to be in school legally- he's still 5 but EVERYONE around us has

sent their kids to school by age 2 and they look at me like I'm an alien! My in

laws keep asking when we are going to send them, they ask our kids : " honey when

are you going to go to school? " I hate how they pose these questions to my kids

directly, it's not fair to have them think about things they have no control

about - I'm the type of Mom who doesn't let my kids out of my sight, I only

trust my Mom in law and husband and I fear I may have a REALLY hard time with my

eldest starting school. Did your son like school at first? At what age did he

start school?

My husband is keen on them starting school, he agreed to delay schooling from

4-5 but I fear he may flip if he finds that I'm considering homeschooling again!

Moving would be an option, though I don't know, it needs a lot of inner strength

- maybe the tradeoff is not worth it - people have told me that for kids, being

in a stable environment with extended family is better than anywhere else, as

they feel safe, etc.

I even thought of opening my own school! But I just gave birth recently and am

stuck again in that baby stage and don't have much flexibility. plus I have 2

toddlers at home!

Any ideas?

N

> Dear N,

>

> It's amazing that you write this because I had EXACTLY the same issues. It

took quite some time for me to work my way into a more " normal " way of relating

- at least what for me is normal. I had endless anxiety and worry over this

issue of homeschooling. I decided to let my son attend school because he wanted

the interaction with other kids SO much. But that's just us. For me it was very

much BPD effects.

>

> Also, I recently read " The Gift of Fear. " This book talks about our natural

alert system that lets us know when we should be careful. Don't ignore your

intuition! I am learning to differentiate between BPD-related anxiety responses

and real warning signs from myself.

>

> p.s. Homeschooling can be a WONDERFUL option for your kids if it is a good fit

for you. I applaud you for considering the possibility that it is related to

your own childhood, just in case. So you will feel confident you are making the

best decision for your kids. Also, you can always try one way or the other and

change it. I guess moving would be a HUGE issue though? :-)

>

> Good luck!

> Coal Miner's Daughter

>

>

> >

> > > Hey Annie,

> > >

> > > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up

all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> > >

> > > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> > >

> > > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> > >

> > > Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> > > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> > >

> > > -

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I live in a rural community and have had 2 kids go through the public school

system here. Homeschooling is legal here, and I have seen my share of those kids

as well as they have popped in and out of the public system.

1) Kindergarten & preschool is the most important time for kids to develop the

social network that will follow them through school. My kids were at a

disadvantage because we lived out of the village. The kids in the village had

more exposure to each other as toddlers--seeing each other at parks, stores,

etc.

2) Kids who were home schooled until middle or high school tended to be

introverted and had a difficult time making friends. Some of the teaching staff

was not overly concerned about helping them to fit in. I only saw 1 child make

this transition seamlessly; he is an amazingly confident, very bright and highly

extroverted individual.

3) Kids who started in public school, but were then home schooled seemed to fit

in much better. The other kids were more accepting of them and the kids

themselves seemed much more confident. They transitioned easily.

4) Public school hasn't changed much, if at all. There are still wonderful

teachers and then there are duds, bullies, and space wasters. No, you will not

understand your child's math--they rename it all every decade or so. But I still

think it is a better choice than home schooling, if only for the socialization.

I have a good friend who home schooled her Asperger child until high school, and

she worked her tail off making sure he got the socialization he so dearly

needed, as well as finding a network of other parents who took turns teaching

subjects to their group of children. The hours may have been flexible, but it

was more hard work than you can imagine. I could not have walked in her shoes.

Good luck to you and your son at this special time!

Signed--

'The mom who drove behind the bus all the way to school, at the request of her

daughter on her first day at kindergarten'

>

> > Hey Annie,

> >

> > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying up

all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad passed

away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> >

> > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> >

> > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> >

> > Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along with

others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed the

strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> >

> > -

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi N,

I know each person must decide such things for themselves, but Annie's advice

about easing the transition seemed very helpful to me. I enrolled my son in

half-day kindergarten. We also waited a year for him to mature more, so he was

6 when he started. Teachers said this made sense because he was not very mature

emotionally. We had our ups and downs, but he LOVES school overall and LOVES

being with his friends.

For me, the hardest part was worrying about it before it happened. Once we

started, it was pretty nice all in all. You know the quote, " The only thing we

have to fear is fear itself? " I think that was applicable for me. I tend to

worry about the unknown more than anything else. I wonder if part of this is a

KO reaction from having no control in my life and environment growing up.

Also, in my family, I felt it was important for my son to know other people. I

hate to say it, but we have so little support from the extended family and

personality issues even with myself and my husband - emotional abusiveness, etc.

So I wanted him to have other relationships and try to severely limit his

interactions with grandparents and aunts/uncles. This has all worked out great

for us. One other thing - we spend a lot of time at the local library in our

small town. This is another place where people are kind and mentally healthy

where my son can learn about safe people.

Let us know how it goes!

Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> > > > Hey Annie,

> > > >

> > > > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying

up all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad

passed away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> > > >

> > > > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> > > >

> > > > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> > > >

> > > > Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > > > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along

with others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed

the strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> > > >

> > > > -

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks !

Great advice!

N

> Hi,N - As a mom who's about ready to send her baby boy off to college, I can

remember that feeling (and I'm having a little bit of it even now). You may be

experiencing extra stress from being a KO, but I think lots of moms feel like

this when the first child goes off to school. Two points - (1) if you are

freaking out about it, he is more likely to pick up on that and freak out about

it, too. School is going to be the biggest part of his life for many years, so

you don't want him to be scared or anxious about it. (2) Kindergarten an

preschool teachers see this reaction from moms on a regular basis, so if you can

get in touch with his school and get to know the teachers, you can introduce

him. Some schools even have " open house " so parents can take their kids in.

Also, try to get to know some of the other parents. If you can't do that in

advance, don't waste any time once school starts - these folks are going to be

your " village " and you want to find the parents whose values are like yours, and

definitely find some parents who are " hooked in " to the school, either as class

parents or through PTSA or volunteering. A great school almost always has

parents in the hallways every day, volunteering in the front office, working on

PTSA projects, assisting teachers on special projects, etc. If there are parents

in the school, it is harder for anybody to get away with neglecting or yelling

at kids, or allowing bullying to go on, etc. When your kid goes to school, you

go to school too. Maybe not every day, but you become part of the school

community. I can't speak to homeschooling, but the kids I've seen who seemed to

have a good experience, and who were on " grade level " as far as their knowledge,

seemed to be involved in lots of homeschooler groups, sports, etc. so they were

exposed to other students, learned social skills, and had instructors for the

classes they couldn't get online or through homeschooling academies.

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > > Hey Annie,

> > > >

> > > > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying

up all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad

passed away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> > > >

> > > > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As for

delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> > > >

> > > > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> > > >

> > > > Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > > > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along

with others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed

the strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> > > >

> > > > -

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I agree about worrying before the fact - worry is the hardest thing -

I'm sure once I see how happy he is, things will change for me. Wish me luck!

N

> Hi N,

>

> I know each person must decide such things for themselves, but Annie's advice

about easing the transition seemed very helpful to me. I enrolled my son in

half-day kindergarten. We also waited a year for him to mature more, so he was 6

when he started. Teachers said this made sense because he was not very mature

emotionally. We had our ups and downs, but he LOVES school overall and LOVES

being with his friends.

>

> For me, the hardest part was worrying about it before it happened. Once we

started, it was pretty nice all in all. You know the quote, " The only thing we

have to fear is fear itself? " I think that was applicable for me. I tend to

worry about the unknown more than anything else. I wonder if part of this is a

KO reaction from having no control in my life and environment growing up.

>

> Also, in my family, I felt it was important for my son to know other people. I

hate to say it, but we have so little support from the extended family and

personality issues even with myself and my husband - emotional abusiveness, etc.

So I wanted him to have other relationships and try to severely limit his

interactions with grandparents and aunts/uncles. This has all worked out great

for us. One other thing - we spend a lot of time at the local library in our

small town. This is another place where people are kind and mentally healthy

where my son can learn about safe people.

>

> Let us know how it goes!

> Coal Miner's Daughter

>

>

> > > >

> > > > > Hey Annie,

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks for the heads-up. The drinking has increased along with staying

up all night, so I'm pretty sure there's a lot of decline going on here. Dad

passed away a few months back, so it's been downhill since then.

> > > > >

> > > > > She's just now 60, so I figure this will drag out for some time. As

for delusional and paranoid, she might actually be better than before, but she's

certifiable if she answered truthfully to any doc.

> > > > >

> > > > > I appreciate the warning. I will be watching for that.

> > > > >

> > > > > Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > > >

> > > > > p.s. The strangest thing is how she is fairly sociable and gets along

with others when choosing to. So I tend to keep LC instead of NC. But I noticed

the strangest inconsistency the other day when I realized I have built my life

around things she said and taught me, but can clearly recognize the insanity in

so many areas. It finally occurred to me to question some of the foundational

things she taught as well. Those which are not general social norms or basics

truths must be discarded. I think that will be a good next step. (I feel so

stupid, though, realizing I have been picking and choosing what of her craziness

to believe, like anything she says could be of merit.) Heaven help us all.

> > > > >

> > > > > -

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

It's kind of interesting to me how bpd's get triggered by children. My brother

was in a lengthy custody battle with his uBPD exwife and he constantly has to

intervene with the things she tells his daughter (he lost the custody battle,

unbelievably, and unfortunately for the child). I remember him telling me last

time he was here that his little girl asked him how old he was and he told her

and she said that her mother was 8 years old. and he was trying to straighten

her out and she said " no, mom said that God gave her her childhood back, and she

is really 8 years old, just like me. " That is one of the more creepy things that

has been said that we know of. But at least this nada was honest, about her

maturity level

> > >

> > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told my

7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> > >

> > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days.

And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> > >

> > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone and

accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2 people

on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook because it

has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top it all

off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > >

> > > Enough is enough!

> > >

> > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > >

> > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

N

You might have a repressed memory there.

I think we as parents always worry about our children no matter where they

are, that is natural but you have to let go and let them experience life. As

hard as it is, they have to experience joy, pain, let downs, but we are

there to help them through it and help them to deal with it in a healthy

way. If they don't learn how to deal with life's little problems as they

come.we are hurting them rather than helping them when you shield them from

everything.

I never thought home schooling was a good idea because it takes the

socialization away from the child. The chance to bond with other children

and make friends. I cried more than my children the first day of school. My

kids are 13 and 19. They will adjust just fine in school, I think it is us

who has to adjust to our kids growing up. I'm still trying to figure out how

my girls got so old

Stacey~~Velvet_Tears74~~

Whatever it takes.....

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of N

Sent: Monday, July 04, 2011 12:08 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: Nada and Boundaries - plus how crazy

can they get?

Thanks so much! I guess my main fear is that they will get hurt by someone:

i.e. screamed at, physically abused, or sexually abused. I was not sexually

abused, so I don't know why I have this constant fear of it happening to my

children. My second fear is: they are alone at school without me, feeling

miserable, with no one to turn to, and crying - I guess I'm afraid they will

feel they don't know where to turn and don't know if I will be coming back

to get them. I don't remember my own childhood in terms of school - I

remember as a child though that I would not speak in public, even if the

teacher asked me to say something, I would go over to her and whisper in her

ear. Once I spoke in front of a group of girls and actually remember that

they went in to tell the teacher that " the girl spoke! " Of course I don't

have that problem now, I'm a lawyer and very outgoing. My Dad says that they

took me to preschool when I was 3 and that the teacher actually asked my

parents to take me back and quit preschool, as it was obvious I was not

enjoying it! Any ideas here? I seemed to have lost my memory somewhere down

in my childhood and I'm guessing this may be why I'm reluctant to let go of

my kids. Maybe there's a repressed memory there?

N

> I don't have children, and one of the reasons I have not actively pursued

it is because of my fear level and the knowledge that because of my history

of sexual abuse I would not trust anyone, ever, and i have seemed to become

more phobic about things as time goes on.

>

> I think that is a very valid question, and probably deserves it's own

thread instead of being buried down here at the bottom.

>

> There are advantages to being schooled in a large environment and there

are disadvantages. I met two girls who'd been homeschooled when I was in a

paralegal program, one of them was graduating high school at sixteen and was

with a large group of families that organized things like having tutors come

for the groups, it seemed like an amazing experience for her, she was

starting the paralegal program at 16 and preparing to go on to become an

attorney by working as a paralegal and putting herself through school. The

other girl I did not know as well but she was just as intelligent. I think

it depends on the provider of the schooling. I don't think it's a bad thing

at all, unless the child is gregarious or involved in a lot of after school

activities and would miss things that were important to them. My sister in

law's mother, who is just as bonkers as her daughter, home schools her

children but that is more an issue of controlling behavior and wanting to

keep them under her wing...in cases like those I think it can be harmful, it

depends on the emotional well-being of the parent and the motives. At least

you have the self-awareness to know that it might be more about your own

fears...you probably need more feedback pro and con and plus get the

experience of people who have done it, etc.

>

>

> >

> > You're so right! It's like we have to pick and choose through the debris

of social norms and things we take for granted - most things we know have

been hammered into our heads by our parents, thank God I have a normal

parent out there, but it's like I have to re-learn stuff and discard stuff

that I have discovered is the result of BPD conditioning. It's a HUGE job.

> >

> > I actually have a question: I'm not a very trusting person in general,

I'm sure it has to do with the BPD - I'm about to send my kid to school for

the first time and I'm really nervous about him going out there on his own

(5 years old) , I imagine he may cry, etc. I've read a lot about

homeschooling and my husband doesn't agree at all. Where I live,

homeschooling is not legal - I thought of moving away just to have that

option. Do you think all my nervousness comes from my life with BPD Mom?

It's really hard for me to let go of my kids, I don't trust babysitters,

don't trust except my mother in law to look after them , and my husband of

course - anyway how I can shake this off and have " normal " fears about

stuff? I feel I have fears about things which are just not " normal. " I'm

already having dreams whereby there are excuses that come up why I don't

have to send my kid to school. Keep in mind that I haven't sent my kids to

preschool either. I have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and a 3 month

old.

> >

> > N

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree that socialization is good for children; some home-schooling set-ups are

more like a mini private school: a small class made up of children of different

ages/grade levels from several families, plus, sports and social activities can

be arranged in conjunction with community centers, church groups, etc.

Its all about what's going to work best for the individual family, what's

available in the area, how much time and effort and finances the parent can put

into home schooling, etc. Most public schools are fine, run by good people (I

know many elementary school teachers personally; I admire them) and the schools

are safe, although there are impoverished areas in which the schools are poorly

managed, filthy, damaged, under-supervised, have few if any materials or

equipment for the kids, and are sometimes actually dangerous.

My own public school experiences from way back in the last century: most of my

teachers were fine. There were a couple of outstandingly good ones, a couple of

really amazingly insane, awful ones (one was actually removed during class,

literally taken away due to having a " nervous breakdown " !) and the rest were

average. I was never physically threatened or harmed by a teacher, and only

experienced a minor amount of bullying by fellow classmates and older kids, but

it wasn't constant or severe.

My bully was at home; school was a more pleasant place for me than my own home

was.

So, anyway; from what I understand home-schooled kids can enjoy socialization

too. I agree that keeping a child a virtual prisoner in the home and never

allowing interaction with other kids is extreme, unhealthy and abusive. There

is a happy medium!

-Annie

> > >

> > > You're so right! It's like we have to pick and choose through the debris

> of social norms and things we take for granted - most things we know have

> been hammered into our heads by our parents, thank God I have a normal

> parent out there, but it's like I have to re-learn stuff and discard stuff

> that I have discovered is the result of BPD conditioning. It's a HUGE job.

> > >

> > > I actually have a question: I'm not a very trusting person in general,

> I'm sure it has to do with the BPD - I'm about to send my kid to school for

> the first time and I'm really nervous about him going out there on his own

> (5 years old) , I imagine he may cry, etc. I've read a lot about

> homeschooling and my husband doesn't agree at all. Where I live,

> homeschooling is not legal - I thought of moving away just to have that

> option. Do you think all my nervousness comes from my life with BPD Mom?

> It's really hard for me to let go of my kids, I don't trust babysitters,

> don't trust except my mother in law to look after them , and my husband of

> course - anyway how I can shake this off and have " normal " fears about

> stuff? I feel I have fears about things which are just not " normal. " I'm

> already having dreams whereby there are excuses that come up why I don't

> have to send my kid to school. Keep in mind that I haven't sent my kids to

> preschool either. I have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and a 3 month

> old.

> > >

> > > N

> > >

> > >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know how your niece was put into the care of a crazy person like that.

I'm an attorney and understand BPD - believe me you could probably make a new

case for taking the girl out of the care of her mother for saying things like

that (along with more evidence of other " creepy " BPD events).

Have both your brothers ended up with BPD wives? I wonder why, do sons raised by

BPD moms end up with BPD wives? I'm interested to know - they do say that sons

usually look for wives just like their moms - I know I am very much like my

husband's mother, we get along GREAT and have very similar values. What do you

all think about that?

N

>

> It's kind of interesting to me how bpd's get triggered by children. My brother

was in a lengthy custody battle with his uBPD exwife and he constantly has to

intervene with the things she tells his daughter (he lost the custody battle,

unbelievably, and unfortunately for the child). I remember him telling me last

time he was here that his little girl asked him how old he was and he told her

and she said that her mother was 8 years old. and he was trying to straighten

her out and she said " no, mom said that God gave her her childhood back, and she

is really 8 years old, just like me. " That is one of the more creepy things that

has been said that we know of. But at least this nada was honest, about her

maturity level

>

> > > >

> > > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told

my 7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> > > >

> > > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these days.

And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult people. I'm

losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries, safety or a

semblance of healthy relating.

> > > >

> > > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone

and accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2

people on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook

because it has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top

it all off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > > >

> > > > Enough is enough!

> > > >

> > > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > > >

> > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie and all of you out there who have answered my question about

homeschooling,

Makes me feel better to know that your school experiences were all fine! You all

have made me have more courage to face taking my kid to school in 2 months time!

I truly do feel better about it now - and it's all thanks to you! and your

lovely responses.

N

> I agree that socialization is good for children; some home-schooling set-ups

are more like a mini private school: a small class made up of children of

different ages/grade levels from several families, plus, sports and social

activities can be arranged in conjunction with community centers, church groups,

etc.

>

> Its all about what's going to work best for the individual family, what's

available in the area, how much time and effort and finances the parent can put

into home schooling, etc. Most public schools are fine, run by good people (I

know many elementary school teachers personally; I admire them) and the schools

are safe, although there are impoverished areas in which the schools are poorly

managed, filthy, damaged, under-supervised, have few if any materials or

equipment for the kids, and are sometimes actually dangerous.

>

> My own public school experiences from way back in the last century: most of my

teachers were fine. There were a couple of outstandingly good ones, a couple of

really amazingly insane, awful ones (one was actually removed during class,

literally taken away due to having a " nervous breakdown " !) and the rest were

average. I was never physically threatened or harmed by a teacher, and only

experienced a minor amount of bullying by fellow classmates and older kids, but

it wasn't constant or severe.

>

> My bully was at home; school was a more pleasant place for me than my own home

was.

>

> So, anyway; from what I understand home-schooled kids can enjoy socialization

too. I agree that keeping a child a virtual prisoner in the home and never

allowing interaction with other kids is extreme, unhealthy and abusive. There is

a happy medium!

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > You're so right! It's like we have to pick and choose through the debris

> > of social norms and things we take for granted - most things we know have

> > been hammered into our heads by our parents, thank God I have a normal

> > parent out there, but it's like I have to re-learn stuff and discard stuff

> > that I have discovered is the result of BPD conditioning. It's a HUGE job.

> > > >

> > > > I actually have a question: I'm not a very trusting person in general,

> > I'm sure it has to do with the BPD - I'm about to send my kid to school for

> > the first time and I'm really nervous about him going out there on his own

> > (5 years old) , I imagine he may cry, etc. I've read a lot about

> > homeschooling and my husband doesn't agree at all. Where I live,

> > homeschooling is not legal - I thought of moving away just to have that

> > option. Do you think all my nervousness comes from my life with BPD Mom?

> > It's really hard for me to let go of my kids, I don't trust babysitters,

> > don't trust except my mother in law to look after them , and my husband of

> > course - anyway how I can shake this off and have " normal " fears about

> > stuff? I feel I have fears about things which are just not " normal. " I'm

> > already having dreams whereby there are excuses that come up why I don't

> > have to send my kid to school. Keep in mind that I haven't sent my kids to

> > preschool either. I have a 5 year old, an almost 3 year old, and a 3 month

> > old.

> > > >

> > > > N

> > > >

> > > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree; maybe with your willingness to act as a witness and testify RE how

bizarre and dysfunctional your niece's mother is, your brother could get full

custody of his child?

It seems to happen pretty often that us ACONS are attracted to and/or marry

someone who is a clone of our abusive parent.

I think its because we human beings in general are conditioned throughout

childhood to equate mommy's or daddy's behaviors toward us with what " love " is.

We become imprinted on our primary caregivers' behaviors as " appropriate " and

" desirable " in a potential mate, even if the behaviors are neither normal nor

desirable: they're simply familiar to us; abnormal has become our " normal. "

So, the unfortunate ACON's subconscious gets programmed that emotionally

unstable, demanding, controlling, waif-like, impulsive, scary, abusive behaviors

are what " love " is.

When we meet someone who resembles our parent or parents, our subconscious says

something like, " Wow, he/she is GORGEOUS, and s/he's controlling/difficult to

please, or, cold/rejecting, or , childlike/needy just like mom/dad... I think

I'm in love! "

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I told

my 7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You cannot

interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries are

getting better for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these

days. And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult

people. I'm losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries,

safety or a semblance of healthy relating.

> > > > >

> > > > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell phone

and accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2

people on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook

because it has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top

it all off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > > > >

> > > > > Enough is enough!

> > > > >

> > > > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > > > >

> > > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

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