Nada and Boundaries - plus how crazy can they get?

[Guest guest]

N -

I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him over

and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was certifiable for

an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said he might as well

work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my mom

reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage to

" break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its right.

Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping as

they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength to

break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

F

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I

told my 7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You

cannot interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries

are getting better for me.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these

days. And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult

people. I'm losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries,

safety or a semblance of healthy relating.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell

phone and accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2

people on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook

because it has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top

it all off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Enough is enough!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

F,

My brother went through a divorce a few years back - my Mom did everything in

her power to break them up - in the end, she did. Now he swears he doesn't want

to get married EVER. It's so sad. I'm sure it's because of the BPD history with

Mom that all this has happened to him. Actually what's funny is that my Mom has

4 brothers - 1 never married, 1 stayed married, the other 2 divorced. I'm sure

her Mom was BPD too (grandma).

Nothing I can say can change bro's mind about women.I gave him a book about BPD

to read, but he hasn't taken it seriously yet, and how it has affected his life.

I wish he would join this group! He doesn't want to.

N

> N -

>

> I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

>

> My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him over

and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was certifiable for

an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said he might as well

work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

> Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

>

> My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my

mom reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage

to " break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its

right.

>

> Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping as

they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength to

break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

>

> F

>

> -

[Guest guest]

Maybe your brothers would be open to the suggestion of checking out the

bpdcentral support groups for those who are in chosen relationships with someone

with bpd, or open to reading some articles or books about bpd, just so they

might understand that personality disorder is actually a definable and

diagnosable mental illness and that its not that all women are that way, its

that their " picker " (ability to choose) a nice, relatively sane, emotionally

stable woman to love is what's broken.

While its true that nobody is perfect and everyone has some flaws of one kind or

another, there really are people to date and fall in love with who do not have

personality disorder.

-Annie

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Had " mom " over to play with the kids today. She interfered when I

told my 7 year-old not to eat candy for breakfast. I directly said, " No. You

cannot interfere in this situation. Candy is not okay for breakfast. " Boundaries

are getting better for me.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > But the constant battle is tiring. I just prefer being alone these

days. And with my sick patterns of relating, I am surrounded by difficult

people. I'm losing my interest and energy to fight to maintain boundaries,

safety or a semblance of healthy relating.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Add to this the insanity. Today she couldn't find her extra cell

phone and accused a family member of taking it. Last week she publicly berated 2

people on facebook, one of which unfriended her. I do appreciate facebook

because it has helped me see that she is this crazy relating to everyone. To top

it all off - she had an out-of-body experience today and wanted to give detailed

information about a gynecological problem.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Enough is enough!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > How much more Low Contact can I take?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > -Coal Miner's Daughter

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

This reply goes out to everyone in this group.  My nada died six months ago,

and you honestly don't realize how terrible it is until you have gone thru it. 

Just deal with their behaviors, because once they are gone, you will miss them

terribly!!!!!

> N -

>

> I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

>

> My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him over

and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was certifiable for

an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said he might as well

work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

> Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

>

> My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my

mom reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage

to " break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its

right.

>

> Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping as

they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength to

break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

>

> F

>

> -

[Guest guest]

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time with your nada's passing.

Please understand, though, that each of our situations with our nadas is

different. I am NC with my nada due to her severe abuse of me and her

attempts to abuse my children. I will not regret my lack of contact with

the person who tortured my and attempted to harm my children. I will not

deal with being harmed in order to try and avoid missing my nada.

BB

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you are missing your mother. Its hard to lose one's mother, it

seems, even an abusive one. Your advice is I'm sure coming from a kind and

empathetic place; you're still wishing that your mother were here which means

even the possibility of hope that she might change.

Each of us has to figure out what will work for us, individually, depending on

our own situation. Its not an easy or quick decision to choose either low

contact or no contact; its not a decision that is arrived at lightly, on a whim,

or out of petulance. Its a gut-wrenching decision, or, at least it was for me.

I wish I could go back to being in low contact. There is a small chance that I

might, at some later point. But I don't know; all I know is that I can't now.

Now I literally become debilitated, struck down as though by a hammer blow when

I've had contact with my nada. I think its due to a combination of realizations

and seeing reality from a distance, like those Nazca lines. If you're standing

on the ground, you're too close to see the image. All you see are what looks

like pebbles and faint scratches in the dirt. But if you get some distance, if

you see the lines from above in a small plane, you can see what the picture

forms.

I know that I will grieve when my mother passes away; she never was all-bad.

She wanted to be a good mother. Its just that she also needed above all else to

be a perfect mother and for me to be a perfect child and a perfect daughter. My

mother's fantastically unrealistic expectations for herself, her husband, her

children, and her inability/unwillingness to ever, ever admit that there might

be something wrong with her perceptions, her feelings, her thinking, her

reactions... that there might be something wrong with her breathtakingly

fantastic expectations, and something wrong with the way she treated me because

I never provided her with the fame, wealth, and status she felt she deserved...

was in its own way sadistic and cruel. Her unmet expectations were never her

fault. We were always to blame for her unhappy state. She was always the

victim. Her disappointment and resentment were almost palpable. I could almost

smell her unmet desires, her frustration and her contempt underneath the brittle

smile of her public mask.

So... different people come with different sets of issues. Some bpd/Cluster B

mothers (or fathers) are only mildly affected by the disorder, others are

moderately affected, and some are severely affected and do severe damage.

We each have to choose what we can best live with. There is no " ought to " or

" should " , its just about trying to do the best we can.

At least, that's my philosophy about it, based on my own situation.

You, and each of us, needs to choose what will best work for you.

-Annie

>

> > N -

> >

> > I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

> >

> > My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him

over and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was

certifiable for an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said

he might as well work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

> > Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

> >

> > My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my

mom reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage

to " break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its

right.

> >

> > Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping

as they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength

to break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

> >

> > F

> >

> > -

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry for your loss - it sounds like it's been really rough. Maybe

there were positive aspects about your mother to grieve - and that's a good

thing. I think people's situations really vary - we use the term " nada " but

there are so many varieties and severities. I think it will be hard on me when

my nada passes no matter what level of contact we have because it'll mean the

true end of any chance I'll ever hear what I need to from her or that resolution

or change can happen between us. I tried again today like a fool on the phone

to get the tiniest bit of empathy from her about something so important to me -

and there was nothing there, nothing at all. The only connection I have with

her is when I give, give, give to her and that's it.

Eliza

>

> > N -

> >

> > I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

> >

> > My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him

over and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was

certifiable for an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said

he might as well work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

> > Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

> >

> > My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my

mom reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage

to " break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its

right.

> >

> > Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping

as they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength

to break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

> >

> > F

> >

> > -

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for your loss, . You were obviously very close to your mom and

are hurting.

I feel very sorry for my BPD mother at times: she didn't ask to become a BPD

after all. She was likely a very sensitive child that was raised by a NPD and

never got her needs met. I am sure I will miss her when she has finally passed,

and it will be a joy to be able to remember the good times instead of the

ugliness that so often overwhelms all communication with her.

Take care of yourself~

>

> > N -

> >

> > I just wanted to add that both of my brothers (30 and 25) have a history of

being with women who are either full blown BPD or eerily close to it.

> >

> > My oldest brother swears that " all women are nuts " despite me telling him

over and over its just the ones he has been with. This last chick was

certifiable for an institution and after about 6 breakups/back together he said

he might as well work it out with her because all women were crazy like that.

> > Uh no, brother - they are NOT!

> >

> > My youngest brother, mostly same story. And I see the way they react with my

mom reflected in their relationships. The youngest brother can't get the courage

to " break up " with the current looney he is dating, even though he knows its

right.

> >

> > Its sad. They are just coming to terms with my mom's illness and I'm hoping

as they begin healing from unhealthy ties to her it will give them the strength

to break and stay away from unhealthy ties with other women.

> >

> > F

> >

> > -

>

>