Re: Nada poked her head out UPDATE -response

[Guest guest]

This is the response back I received from my dad:

<<I guess you're pissed because we didn't come over on Thanksgiving and I'm

sorry we didn't get to see your new floor.

You must have gone to a lot of effort to make a nice meal so I'm also sorry for

getting sick for 3 weeks that nobody cared about so blow it out your ass Elise!

You are really hurting me with the way you have thrown us away. Someday it will

happen to you, your kids will throw you away also, since you seem to make it so

easy.

Dad>>

AND, my likely response (looking for input from you all!)

I don't wish to hurt either of you, I just need to take care of myself. I have

been advised by my doctor to avoid as much stress as possible. Since dealing

with you and mom are a major source of stress, I am choosing my health over you,

plain and simple. I hope you can understand that.

<<I guess you're pissed>> The invite for Thanksgiving was sent because my

children wanted to have their whole family together. I extended that olive

branch from my heart, in the hope the 2 of you could come to my home and act

like normal guests.

<<so blow it out your ass>> Sadly, this response is what I've come to expect

from you. I probably would have bought a smaller turkey and less goodies, so I

was out some cash--big deal. I was more sad that my children's feeling were

hurt. They reported back that you seemed hale and hearty when they saw you.

Honestly, for me it was a relief, as I didn't have to worry about being treated

to the cold shoulder all day or ambushed about old grievances on the holiday.

<<You are really hurting me>> You are a fine one to talk--I've been thrown under

the bus by you so many times I can't count them anymore. I didn't start this

fire, but that doesn't mean I intend to let it burn me to the ground. I seem to

be 'persona non grata' with the 2 of you ever since I accidentally spilled the

beans about moms sugar tests back in March of 2009. Then it was Calgary. You and

mom have made yourselves almost impossible to be around, and I am sorry but that

is not my fault.

<<Someday it will happen to you>> No, it won't. For the simple reason in that my

children and I have a very different relationship. I don't give my kids the cold

shoulder, I don't paint either of them black, I don't look for hidden meanings

in everything the say or do. We all surface problems and discuss them honestly.

We may not agree 100% but we respect where we are all standing at the time. I

take responsibility for the things I say and do wrong. Lastly, I do not try to

blame my children for my own sins. I would never throw away my children,

discount them, or turn a blind eye to my spouse's behavior if it was causing my

children pain.

I truly hope you have a nice holiday season. I am not sharing any of your angry

words with my children nor my response, as I want you to have as normal of a

relationship with them as possible.

>

> ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

>

> I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with her. I

will no longer compromise my health for her.

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know how old your children are, but mine is twelve and I have been

starting to introduce him to nadas illness and explain her bad behavior in

relation to JUST HIM. She has been starting to say and do things more often that

directly affect him and I won't allow her to poison my own son against me and I

won't let him be blindsided by her bad behavior, because, as you know, it isn't

a matter of IF it will happen, as WHEN.

I want him to start learning to develope healthy boundaries with her NOW and

help him understand that it is not HIS responsibility to make HER happy. I am

also working with him on role playing of anything that makes him uncomfortable

that she is trying to talk to him about that he CAN say " grandma, I don't really

want to talk about this, how about we talk about something else. " We even

rescripted to NOT say anythng that might give her the idea that this is EVER a

subject that is open for discussion! I also told him that if she tries to engage

him in her perceived hurt feelings at my behavior is strictly off limits as far

as I was concerned. That it is not his job to be her sounding board about her

nada drama. I also told him that this is his choice, that he can decide for

himself, and that I am not going to try to control their conversations, but that

I didn't thing that it was healthy for him to have to hear her trashing the only

parent he has left.

I didn't want to let the nada drama touch my son either, but it has and does and

I finally realized that it was only my dad sitting me down in grade school and

explaining to the best of his knowledge what was wrong with nada that saved me

from getting anymore enmeshed and pulled down by her than I did. I don't want to

severe the relationship, but I will do everything I can to protect my son and if

she ever pushes it to that point, then so be it.

C

> >

> > ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

> >

> > I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with her.

I will no longer compromise my health for her.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

So sorry you have to deal with this b.s. from both parents. You have to do

what is best for you and your family! Always, stay strong

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, December 21, 2011 1:49 PM

Subject: Re: Nada poked her head out UPDATE -response

Â

This is the response back I received from my dad:

<<I guess you're pissed because we didn't come over on Thanksgiving and I'm

sorry we didn't get to see your new floor.

You must have gone to a lot of effort to make a nice meal so I'm also sorry for

getting sick for 3 weeks that nobody cared about so blow it out your ass Elise!

You are really hurting me with the way you have thrown us away. Someday it will

happen to you, your kids will throw you away also, since you seem to make it so

easy.

Dad>>

AND, my likely response (looking for input from you all!)

I don't wish to hurt either of you, I just need to take care of myself. I have

been advised by my doctor to avoid as much stress as possible. Since dealing

with you and mom are a major source of stress, I am choosing my health over you,

plain and simple. I hope you can understand that.

<<I guess you're pissed>> The invite for Thanksgiving was sent because my

children wanted to have their whole family together. I extended that olive

branch from my heart, in the hope the 2 of you could come to my home and act

like normal guests.

<<so blow it out your ass>> Sadly, this response is what I've come to expect

from you. I probably would have bought a smaller turkey and less goodies, so I

was out some cash--big deal. I was more sad that my children's feeling were

hurt. They reported back that you seemed hale and hearty when they saw you.

Honestly, for me it was a relief, as I didn't have to worry about being treated

to the cold shoulder all day or ambushed about old grievances on the holiday.

<<You are really hurting me>> You are a fine one to talk--I've been thrown under

the bus by you so many times I can't count them anymore. I didn't start this

fire, but that doesn't mean I intend to let it burn me to the ground. I seem to

be 'persona non grata' with the 2 of you ever since I accidentally spilled the

beans about moms sugar tests back in March of 2009. Then it was Calgary. You and

mom have made yourselves almost impossible to be around, and I am sorry but that

is not my fault.

<<Someday it will happen to you>> No, it won't. For the simple reason in that my

children and I have a very different relationship. I don't give my kids the cold

shoulder, I don't paint either of them black, I don't look for hidden meanings

in everything the say or do. We all surface problems and discuss them honestly.

We may not agree 100% but we respect where we are all standing at the time. I

take responsibility for the things I say and do wrong. Lastly, I do not try to

blame my children for my own sins. I would never throw away my children,

discount them, or turn a blind eye to my spouse's behavior if it was causing my

children pain.

I truly hope you have a nice holiday season. I am not sharing any of your angry

words with my children nor my response, as I want you to have as normal of a

relationship with them as possible.

>

> ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

>

> I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with her. I

will no longer compromise my health for her.

>

[Guest guest]

That is very proactive and courageous of you to reply so directly and yet

politely to your pd dad's hateful letter. I am cheering for you; that letter

sounds very mature and empowered, and that is awesome. In order to reduce the

stress levels further, I suggest that if your pd dad wants to get into a

" message war " with you (if he sends a nasty reply) that you could choose to not

engage, at least not for a while. For a while, hopefully you can let your

adrenal glands rest and recuperate. In my opinion there is nothing wrong about

simply refusing to engage, and withdrawing temporarily (or permanently) for the

sake of your own health. Best wishes to you.

-Annie

> >

> > ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

> >

> > I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with her.

I will no longer compromise my health for her.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

And I agree with you 100% !!

My children are both adults and they know the score about their grandparents.

There was a large portion of their childhood where we were NC with the

grandparents and my children know why. I did not hide the problem, but I did try

tell it to them in age appropriate ways. This is not easy and I'm sure I've made

tons of mistakes. But while my children were too young to fend for themselves I

was not going to allow them to be fodder.

>

> I don't know how old your children are, but mine is twelve and I have been

starting to introduce him to nadas illness and explain her bad behavior in

relation to JUST HIM. She has been starting to say and do things more often that

directly affect him and I won't allow her to poison my own son against me and I

won't let him be blindsided by her bad behavior, because, as you know, it isn't

a matter of IF it will happen, as WHEN.

> I want him to start learning to develope healthy boundaries with her NOW and

help him understand that it is not HIS responsibility to make HER happy. I am

also working with him on role playing of anything that makes him uncomfortable

that she is trying to talk to him about that he CAN say " grandma, I don't really

want to talk about this, how about we talk about something else. " We even

rescripted to NOT say anythng that might give her the idea that this is EVER a

subject that is open for discussion! I also told him that if she tries to engage

him in her perceived hurt feelings at my behavior is strictly off limits as far

as I was concerned. That it is not his job to be her sounding board about her

nada drama. I also told him that this is his choice, that he can decide for

himself, and that I am not going to try to control their conversations, but that

I didn't thing that it was healthy for him to have to hear her trashing the only

parent he has left.

>

> I didn't want to let the nada drama touch my son either, but it has and does

and I finally realized that it was only my dad sitting me down in grade school

and explaining to the best of his knowledge what was wrong with nada that saved

me from getting anymore enmeshed and pulled down by her than I did. I don't want

to severe the relationship, but I will do everything I can to protect my son and

if she ever pushes it to that point, then so be it.

>

> C

[Guest guest]

" Yup, Dad, you nailed it. I *am* being passively-aggressive. I actually am free

that day, but I'm going to punish mother because the two of you were so selfish

you couldn't even take 5 minutes out of your schedules to come and LOOK AT MY

FLOOR? "

Wowza. These people are insane. You know that, right?

Just because your parents are so abusive you have to limit your interactions

with them, doesn't mean your own children will inevitably discard you as well.

It doesn't work that way, no matter what DearOldDad has to say about it.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

This letter is full of FOG, fear obligation guilt. I wouldn't respond to it

personally. They want attention. He's a jerk. He's wrong. He does not have

to get it and explaining things to him won't help him get it. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> " Yup, Dad, you nailed it. I *am* being passively-aggressive. I actually am

> free that day, but I'm going to punish mother because the two of you were

> so selfish you couldn't even take 5 minutes out of your schedules to come

> and LOOK AT MY FLOOR? "

>

> Wowza. These people are insane. You know that, right?

>

> Just because your parents are so abusive you have to limit your

> interactions with them, doesn't mean your own children will inevitably

> discard you as well. It doesn't work that way, no matter what DearOldDad

> has to say about it.

>

> Sveta

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, Echo, I sincerely would not change one word of that.

You were respectful and honest, I'm really proud of you. I especially loved how

you explained WHY it was not going to be the same with your own kids.

Not that he even deserved a response and explanation. I think this should do it,

though.

> >

> > ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

> >

> > I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with her.

I will no longer compromise my health for her.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Echo,

If it helps at all, the stench of projection is clearly discernible in this

message. The part about the floors--he is projecting onto you how HE would make

a big deal about something minor in his own life, even if someone else was

sick--what I mean is, he knows he is selfish and self-obsessed and is trying to

project that onto you. By accusing you of caring more about your floor than his

health. But really he is the one who cares more about whatever is on his mind,

than his daughter's needs.

Wow. That message is really disturbing. This kindof thing is why I am full NC.

Good luck to you!

--Charlie

> > >

> > > ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

> > >

> > > I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with

her. I will no longer compromise my health for her.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am new to the group, but wanted you to know that your response sounds very

freeing for you. My nada sent me a similar type of email, and I did respond to

it. It felt good to have all of it written down- both what she wrote and what I

wrote. Never before did I have proof of her vicious behavior like that. My

nada never responded to it- it never happened, according to her. Typical-

living in her own world. I am now very LC, as are my DD's. Both girls

understand that their nana is INSANE! LOL.... I hope you can take some enjoyment

of having responded, like I did.

God Bless!

[Guest guest]

THANK YOU, all of you, for your support & suggestions. I considered not sending

a reply, then went ahead and sent it with a few changes. I realize I just burned

my bridges behind me, something I was trying to avoid. But then, *I* did not

light the match.

After a few hours of consideration, I believe it may have been nada herself that

sent the email--that's what my DH says too. Doesn't really matter, the die is

cast--she lies and he swears to it.

And yes, projecting their sins on to me is one of my constant complaints--and I

just don't accept being painted black very well.

> > > >

> > > > ... and invited me and mine to a brunch next week. I told her *I* wasn't

available and she should contact my adult kids to work it out with them. This is

my first try at going NC without announcing it directly.

> > > >

> > > > I am on steroids to combat adrenal exhaustion, mostly from dealing with

her. I will no longer compromise my health for her.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi & welcome to the group!

Part of writing it was cathartic and freeing, another part of me felt

manipulated by nada, again, to be just as vicious as she is.

I have tried for 2 years to keep some kind of peace with her in the face of her

wall of anger/hatred/distrust. All I have to show for it is exhaustion and

grief. There is no way to have peace once nada gets a burr up her ass.

We also raised our children to know that nada is not mentally sound. She hides

it well most of she time, but had enough BPD moments to keep my kids coming to

me with questions.

>

>

> Hi,

> I am new to the group, but wanted you to know that your response sounds very

freeing for you. My nada sent me a similar type of email, and I did respond to

it. It felt good to have all of it written down- both what she wrote and what I

wrote. Never before did I have proof of her vicious behavior like that. My

nada never responded to it- it never happened, according to her. Typical-

living in her own world. I am now very LC, as are my DD's. Both girls

understand that their nana is INSANE! LOL.... I hope you can take some enjoyment

of having responded, like I did.

> God Bless!

>