Moment of fear, turned into a lifetime of dread?

[Guest guest]

So, my aunt (my nada's sister) whom I am close with, sent me an email saying " I

came across this this evening...very sad. Hated to email this kind of news,

but it's all an awkward situation. I think I'll go take a long shower and

ponder this sad news. How different life could have been for all of us if

only... " . And then she posted a link to an OBITUARY.

I thought for a moment I was going to read my moms (nadas) obituary.

But it wasn't hers. It was my nadas OTHER sister. I never really knew her due to

a feud that existed between my aunts and uncles for years.

When I saw the picture, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. She looks so much

like my nada.

It made me wonder, how am I going to cope when my nada DOES pass away? Will

anyone let me know? Where will I be? What's going to happen?

I hate that I will live with regret after she dies. Regret that we aren't in

each others lives (we've been NC for almost 2 years now). I have no plans to

reunite because it would be beating a dead horse, and would begin another

vicious cycle of pain, sadness, anger, and severe anxiety.

Can anyone here share with me if they have experienced this?

I feel grief stricken already.

Sara Jo

[Guest guest]

My mom passed away last week, and I had been in virtually No Contact with her

for the previous 4 years, but I'd been kept updated RE mom's deteriorating

mental state and health via my Sister. I am now processing mom's death, and

feeling the sadness of loss of the good part of my mother and relief that the

" nada " part of her is now beyond the chronic unhappiness she felt and inflicted

on Sister and me. My mother can't feel hurt, or sad, or frustrated, or

disappointed or angry any more, she can only feel peace.

I think I began mourning the loss of my mother when I first went No Contact with

her, so I have been grieving for quite a while now, already. Grieving simply

takes as long as it takes, for each of us. It does lose its intensity after a

while, though. It softens. You will pass through your intense grief and come

out more whole and more healed, I feel certain of it.

-Annie

>

> So, my aunt (my nada's sister) whom I am close with, sent me an email saying

" I came across this this evening...very sad. Hated to email this kind of news,

but it's all an awkward situation. I think I'll go take a long shower and

ponder this sad news. How different life could have been for all of us if

only... " . And then she posted a link to an OBITUARY.

>

> I thought for a moment I was going to read my moms (nadas) obituary.

> But it wasn't hers. It was my nadas OTHER sister. I never really knew her due

to a feud that existed between my aunts and uncles for years.

>

> When I saw the picture, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. She looks so

much like my nada.

>

> It made me wonder, how am I going to cope when my nada DOES pass away? Will

anyone let me know? Where will I be? What's going to happen?

>

> I hate that I will live with regret after she dies. Regret that we aren't in

each others lives (we've been NC for almost 2 years now). I have no plans to

reunite because it would be beating a dead horse, and would begin another

vicious cycle of pain, sadness, anger, and severe anxiety.

>

> Can anyone here share with me if they have experienced this?

> I feel grief stricken already.

>

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

My Mom died in July of 09. A few brief observations on the grief.

1. Grieving, like loving, for a KO to a BPD mom truly begins as a

silent, hidden wail, deep in our spirits, the first time we truly

realize how broken our moms are. We have longed, and yearned for just a

moment, of real Mommy, for so long, and now, finally understand that

this mentally broken woman who gave us birth cannot, will not, give us

that nurturing which we crave so strongly. When we do, a small child

inside us begins to sob inconsolately.

2. Grief and regret and guilt and distinct things, but they blur in our

minds. We regret decisions we had to make. We greive what we never had,

and finally, that she is gone, and all hope she will ever be a normal

mom dies with her. Years of FOG would have us feel guilt for all of it.

In truth, we ought to accept responsibility for times when we were mean

or uncaring, for mistakes that we made. Did we? Sure, for we are human.

But unlike Nada, we do not hold blame against our loved ones forever,

nor do we live in a constant pool of shame and guilt for all the choices

of our lives.

It is tempting to never apologize, because so very many times that Nada

tries to make us feel guilt to manipulate us. But as we become healthy,

we can recognize when we are truly wrong, and apologize to a child, or a

dog, or even, a Nada. She will not take it right, and she will use it

long after it should have been forgiven and forgotten. So what? She is

what she is, but we may be adult and healthy. So, where we are wrong,

promptly admit it and move on past the guilt. Refuse to accept the

constant guilt she would try to heap on us.

And forgive yourself, that you were not perfect, and not superwoman, and

able to cure Nada. That was not your role, nor in your capablity.

3. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Dont let anger , guilt, and shame

control you. It was not your fault, or choice.

Be gentle with yourself.

Doug

> >

> > So, my aunt (my nada's sister) whom I am close with, sent me an

email saying " I came across this this evening...very sad. Hated to email

this kind of news, but it's all an awkward situation. I think I'll go

take a long shower and ponder this sad news. How different life could

have been for all of us if only... " . And then she posted a link to an

OBITUARY.

> >

> > I thought for a moment I was going to read my moms (nadas) obituary.

> > But it wasn't hers. It was my nadas OTHER sister. I never really

knew her due to a feud that existed between my aunts and uncles for

years.

> >

> > When I saw the picture, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. She

looks so much like my nada.

> >

> > It made me wonder, how am I going to cope when my nada DOES pass

away? Will anyone let me know? Where will I be? What's going to happen?

> >

> > I hate that I will live with regret after she dies. Regret that we

aren't in each others lives (we've been NC for almost 2 years now). I

have no plans to reunite because it would be beating a dead horse, and

would begin another vicious cycle of pain, sadness, anger, and severe

anxiety.

> >

> > Can anyone here share with me if they have experienced this?

> > I feel grief stricken already.

> >

> > Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Doug. What a helpful post.

I met a good friend for lunch today, we were talking about this kind of stuff.

Her husband is going through a similar situation with his dad. And she explained

how her husband sees things.

The way she described it, it was that I need to make the decision and accept

that we don't have a relationship (nada and I) and that we never will, and that

her death isn't going to change that. Maybe I don't want to be involved with

things during her death. I can make that decision now.

As far as being guilty for actual things I should be guilty for, I realized all

this nada BPD stuff at a very young age (I think I was 22 or 23 when I started

posting on here). The things that I've done to make nada feel the way she does

about me are things that normal people do. Like growing up, having their own

life, graduating college, getting a job, getting married. The big kicker was

getting back in touch with my dad after 15 years apart (and my dad wasn't an

angel, but nada had a big part to play in separating me and my dad). Nada didn't

like that I talk to my dad, so she disowned me. With the exception of a creepy

" happy birthday " email I received from her last year.

I've made so many attempts to get us all back together and

communicating.....only to be shot down.

I strongly believe that " it takes two to tango " , but in searching my brain and

my heart, I can't think of anything I have done that would make a normal mother

want to banish and hate her children. I've only made my own sound, adult,

responsible decisions.

Not only am I grieving my nada who is still alive, but since my nada turned my

little sis against me,I've been grieving my sis as well. That is why my heart

has truly been broken for so long.

I feel like I've reached the " acceptance " stage of grief in regards to my nada.

But not with my sis. I get the same results with her when I reach out to her.

All I ever get are ultimatums.

People that truly love you don't give you ultimatums, right?

I think the fact that it's a nostalgic time of year is causing some weakness in

me. I spend so much time being so strong, I feel like I've used up all my

strength at the moment.

It is possible that I just need to allow myself this moment of weakness.

But if i could talk to my nada and sister right now., I would tell my nada that

I remember all the good times, too. That i know it wasn't all bad. That I am not

angry with her for everything she did (and didn't do). And that I love her

anyway and I hope that she will one day have peace in her life.

My little sister, I would tell her that she is a treasure in my life, even

though she is choosing to no longer be a part of it. That I can still smile when

I think of her. That she is one of the most beautiful people in the world to me.

That I've always admired her. That I understand why she is choosing to cut me

out of her life, even though I don't agree with it. I understand what the

consequences are when you don't do what nada wants. That I am not angry with her

for showing me such undeserved anger and hostility.

I am being robbed of these precious treasures in my life (a mother, and a best

friend/sister).

But I will refuse to harbor resentment. But I still hurt. Hurt so much that it

is physically painful in the core of my body.

I don't hang around on this board as much as I used to, but I'm thankful you are

all here when I am having these weakened moments. It feels so good to get all

this out there sometimes. Our BPD situations are so strange and unheard of to

most people. My husband doesn't understand (and this is not a fault in him, but

I believe a blessing!) and when I try to describe this all to him (or anyone

else sometimes) I sound like I'M the crazy one. I'm sure some of you have

experienced this before.

Thank you for letting me get this out. I hope that all of you are surviving this

nostalgic time of year and that during this season in which we give to others,

that you are all doing good things for yourselves too.

Sara Jo

> > >

> > > So, my aunt (my nada's sister) whom I am close with, sent me an

> email saying " I came across this this evening...very sad. Hated to email

> this kind of news, but it's all an awkward situation. I think I'll go

> take a long shower and ponder this sad news. How different life could

> have been for all of us if only... " . And then she posted a link to an

> OBITUARY.

> > >

> > > I thought for a moment I was going to read my moms (nadas) obituary.

> > > But it wasn't hers. It was my nadas OTHER sister. I never really

> knew her due to a feud that existed between my aunts and uncles for

> years.

> > >

> > > When I saw the picture, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. She

> looks so much like my nada.

> > >

> > > It made me wonder, how am I going to cope when my nada DOES pass

> away? Will anyone let me know? Where will I be? What's going to happen?

> > >

> > > I hate that I will live with regret after she dies. Regret that we

> aren't in each others lives (we've been NC for almost 2 years now). I

> have no plans to reunite because it would be beating a dead horse, and

> would begin another vicious cycle of pain, sadness, anger, and severe

> anxiety.

> > >

> > > Can anyone here share with me if they have experienced this?

> > > I feel grief stricken already.

> > >

> > > Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, I loved your response to this question. I have been saying for years that

I have been grieving the loss of my mom. Nada is alive and well. I too felt the

pain of that child that realized that she would never have the mommy she

deserved.

I, and my dad and brother have all been accused over the years of not

apologizing for things that we have done to " wrong " nada. I never even put it

together that it stems from that being a becon to a weakness in a nadas eye

(ooooh, getting LOTR flashes of the all seeing eye here) I am quick to apologize

to others, but really hate being wrong about anything that I would have to

apologize to nada for. What you said in 2. helps make sense of that.

I always resented how nada used things for YEARS against you. I lost a sweater

of hers in Junior high and only got her to quit using that and a lost earring

from when I was 18 against me a few years ago when I was 42. She lost a

" mother/grandmother " ring I had barely bought for her six months before it was

gone. She actually had the NERVE to bring up the earrings again just a few days

after she had to admit she had lost the ring I bought for her. I just told her,

ya know mom, if I can let go of the ring I bought for you six days after you

tell me you lost it, then you can let go of those earrings from 22 YEARS ago.

8-/

I truly enjoy soo many of the responses you post.

C

>

> 1. Grieving, like loving, for a KO to a BPD mom truly begins as a

> silent, hidden wail, deep in our spirits, the first time we truly

> realize how broken our moms are. We have longed, and yearned for just a

> moment, of real Mommy, for so long, and now, finally understand that

> this mentally broken woman who gave us birth cannot, will not, give us

> that nurturing which we crave so strongly. When we do, a small child

> inside us begins to sob inconsolately.

>

> 2. Grief and regret and guilt and distinct things, but they blur in our

> minds. We regret decisions we had to make. We greive what we never had,

> and finally, that she is gone, and all hope she will ever be a normal

> mom dies with her. Years of FOG would have us feel guilt for all of it.

> In truth, we ought to accept responsibility for times when we were mean

> or uncaring, for mistakes that we made. Did we? Sure, for we are human.

> But unlike Nada, we do not hold blame against our loved ones forever,

> nor do we live in a constant pool of shame and guilt for all the choices

> of our lives.

>

> It is tempting to never apologize, because so very many times that Nada

> tries to make us feel guilt to manipulate us. But as we become healthy,

> we can recognize when we are truly wrong, and apologize to a child, or a

> dog, or even, a Nada. She will not take it right, and she will use it

> long after it should have been forgiven and forgotten. So what? She is

> what she is, but we may be adult and healthy. So, where we are wrong,

> promptly admit it and move on past the guilt. Refuse to accept the

> constant guilt she would try to heap on us.

>

> And forgive yourself, that you were not perfect, and not superwoman, and

> able to cure Nada. That was not your role, nor in your capablity.

>

> 3. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Dont let anger , guilt, and shame

> control you. It was not your fault, or choice.

>

>

>

> Be gentle with yourself.

>

> Doug

>

> > >

> > > So, my aunt (my nada's sister) whom I am close with, sent me an

> email saying " I came across this this evening...very sad. Hated to email

> this kind of news, but it's all an awkward situation. I think I'll go

> take a long shower and ponder this sad news. How different life could

> have been for all of us if only... " . And then she posted a link to an

> OBITUARY.

> > >

> > > I thought for a moment I was going to read my moms (nadas) obituary.

> > > But it wasn't hers. It was my nadas OTHER sister. I never really

> knew her due to a feud that existed between my aunts and uncles for

> years.

> > >

> > > When I saw the picture, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. She

> looks so much like my nada.

> > >

> > > It made me wonder, how am I going to cope when my nada DOES pass

> away? Will anyone let me know? Where will I be? What's going to happen?

> > >

> > > I hate that I will live with regret after she dies. Regret that we

> aren't in each others lives (we've been NC for almost 2 years now). I

> have no plans to reunite because it would be beating a dead horse, and

> would begin another vicious cycle of pain, sadness, anger, and severe

> anxiety.

> > >

> > > Can anyone here share with me if they have experienced this?

> > > I feel grief stricken already.

> > >

> > > Sara Jo

> > >

> >

>