Re: Ramblings of a BPD life

[Guest guest]

Do you feel that your BPD moms encourage you to take bad decisions and kind of

hope you will end up the worse for it?

When I first got married she used to butt into all aspects of my life, my

husband, the household, the kids, and frankly, I'm surprised my marriage life

held up! Thank God I decided to take a decision, backed by my father at the

time, to tell her nothing about my husband, the decisions I take regarding the

household, kids, etc. It has paid off - what she doesn't know, she can't

influence by saying this opinion or that. I used to be swayed by her bad

advice, somehow, I'd end up taking her advice and regretting it. But now with

the psychiatrist diagnosis under my belt, I have a logical reason in my head as

to why I should never listen to a word she says - even though she seems sane

when saying it. She used to make me feel, back when I was in school and in

college, that I'll never make it in life if I don't listen to her or live next

to her. That somehow being next to her would make me feel more relaxed and

hence my life would be all the better for it. Now that I'm free of that, I feel

the world is mine, I can do whatever I want and not have her nagging words in

the back of my head.

What's funny is that she actually encourages " lazy behavior " when she sees that

I'm working hard. When she sees that I like my job, she encourages me to quit

with words like, oh your boss is taking advantage of you, you work too hard,

they don't pay you enough, etc. When she used to see me studying hard in

highschool she'd stand in the doorway and say things like i shouldn't kill

myself studying and should study less, and that grades don't matter. I used to

feel that I had to study hard to be " better " than her, to be able to rub it in

her face if she ever took a jab at me. And thankfully, I am smarter than her,

study better than her, had better grades than her. I even went a bit anorexic

just to feel that I looked better than her! she'd say things like, oh you'd

never fit into my engagement dress that I wore, I was ultra thin. She used to

actually encourage my anorexia. She then took me to a psychiatrist at the time I

was 13 regarding my anorexia. I got over that, but the memory of the psych is

still in my head - it was such an embarrassment for a stellar student like me. I

loved school because I was away from home, I lived in another world, my world.

She even keeps giving these ominous future forecasts of how I'm going to see

when I grow old how she was treated, how badly my kids are going to treat me -

how I'm overprotecting them now, how that causes anxiety in kids' lives, etc.

She wants me to raise my kids the way she thinks is right, and I won't let her.

She introduced sweets and chips into my childrens' lives and says that these

things won't hurt them. She thinks that hitting kids is normal - she used to

twist my brother's ear, and she gave me such a beating on my 16th birthday

because I dared to go out and attend my surprise birthday party that my friends

threw for me. I'll never forget my 16th birthday - she actually sat on me, gave

me no gift, threw me no birthday, I couldn't breathe when she sat on me - once

when I was 13 she did the same thing to me, we were on vacation, and she wanted

to borrow my swimsuit to swim in the pool - I told her no! that's my swimsuit

and it won't fit her - she was adamant and took my swimsuit by force after

sitting on me to take it away - I locked myself in the bathroom and cried so

hard, my nail was bleeding because of her - once I was crying in my room and it

was raining outside, I stuck my head out in the rain, I was 13 as well, and

hoped I'd get ill - I was soaking wet and then refused to dry myself and flopped

in bed. When there was nothing else I could do but sit in my room, I'd sleep so

that I'd forget. She was the type of Mom who would rummage through my things

and think that was ok, who would want to befriend my friends' moms just to

complain about me or find out what I was up to. She actually bugged the

housephone and used to listen to recordings of our conversations with our

friends - she was KGB at home. She would listen behind doors on conversations

even my Dad would be spied on. Once my brother and I ran away to my cousins'

house - it was that bad - they took us in - but I went back the next day and my

bro held out for a week - our rooms were locked when we got back so that we

would have to face her wrath - she even went so far as to take away our room

keys so we would always be " open " to be jumped on . She would even blatantly

listen to phone conversations with my friends from another phone, I would be so

embarassed. When it came to school activities she would discourage my

participation, even though these things were done for credit - she hated when I

would have practice jogging classes to attend for a marathon, hated when I

joined the school play, she actually complained to my teacher about all the

rehearsal time - my teacher was appalled. Instead of being proud of me, she

never encouraged me, more like discouraged me - she was jealous of me, and she

still is - she's jealous of my mother in law , the fact that we get along so

great, she tried so many smear campaigns with my inlaws, thank God that my

father in law and mother in law refuse to be dragged into these things - they

believe that if she has anything to say, she should say it directly to me - One

of my sisters in law blatantly does not like her - she never asks about her -

she really does hate her and I don't blame her. My Mom has tried to use this as

a way to get me to fight with her, ie. she does not respect your mother, how can

you even befriend her? She lies about my mother in law not answering her phone

calls - for the first few years of marriage I was sucked into her crazy

accusations and started to hate my inlaws, it caused a rift between my partner

and I, but I eventually came round and am on the greatest terms with them - I

find myself overcompensating with them, feeling guilty for having sometimes

shunned them in the beginning (because of my Mom's advice of how I should be

loyal to her and shun them), I feel I over do things with many people sometimes,

I'm over nice, I'm over giving, somehow I feel I go over and beyond what I

should - and it's all because of my BPD family background.

Sorry for the rambling on and on, but it sure feels good to get those things off

my chest!

N