The most frustrating thing about my mom's BPD

[Guest guest]

I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in caretaker

mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off to college

that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for something (caring

for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels she has purpose

and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She doesn't let her

guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that " protector "

identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal attack, telling

my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her husband ever hope to

move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work schedule (he is a

retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of it. I don't know

if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear how anyone else

deals with it.

[Guest guest]

I'm thinking that possibly your mom doesn't actually have bpd, like maybe she

only has one or two of the traits like fear of abandonment? Has she been

formally diagnosed?

If as you say, your mom truly is emotionally stable, rational, reliable and

responsible when in the care-giver role, would she be open to the idea of

becoming a child-care provider in her home?

I would NOT suggest this option if your mom shows any signs of not being able to

handle stress easily, if she quickly becomes angry or is chronically irritable,

if she has frequent mood swings or is emotionally brittle, if she tends to

dissociate or become paranoid under stress, if she self-harms or is otherwise

highly impulsive (if she drinks, binge-spends, drives recklessly when angry,

etc.) and if she tends to assign roles to people, such as " your the all-good,

golden child " and " you're the all-bad, scapegoat child. "

If your mother is mentally healthy enough, then, perhaps providing day-care for

one or two babies/small children would give her some meaning and purpose in her

life, plus generate some income. Or, maybe she would be open to providing

day-care /assistance for the elderly in the patient's home?

Just some suggestions to mull over, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the suggestion, it is a good one, but dependability is the problem.

She has been formally diagnosed, and I've suggested the idea of having an in

home daycare, but after some thought, we both think otherwise. Her moods are to

unstable for her to be available every day to watch kids. She would never put

them in harms way, but sadly, I think she'd " call-in " too much, and wouldn't be

dependable (i've had to scramble to find last minute sitters before because

she's called me and said she can't because she just didn't feel mentally up for

it-at least she can sometimes recognize when she is about to meltdown). When

she finally leftwork two years ago, she left on her own, but had been written up

for excessive absences in the year before she left (the year my youngest sister

went off to grad school and got engaged).

She was going to school, but a bad mood one day made her quit. But I'm trying

to get her interested in that again, so maybe she can do something part time

outside of the house. Being in my parents' house alone all day really doesn't

help her at all, so we're all trying to find something to get her out a little.

> >

> > I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That's too bad. I agree with you that anything that can get her out of the house

and fill her time in a productive, satisfying way will be good for all of you.

Volunteer activities might be something that appeals to her, like volunteering

to teach adults or teens reading skills at the local library; not particularly

stressful, and probably very flexible RE her lack of dependability, and a very

good deed that can make her feel good about herself.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

my mother is this way with babies.

she loves her some babies.

she cared for babies and toddlers when we were growing up.

she doesn't like children with personalities and opinions that don't square with

her own (read: teenagers like I was).

she's a waif. I can't imagine she will not be hermit too when my dad dies and

she retires. Honestly it will be interesting to see what happens...I think she

will veer off the edge and become more unstable.

My ex sister in law is a good caretaker. Having once had a child removed from

her by social services is probably part of it. But as far as taking care of the

actual needs and sanitation of children both are fine. (Neither has any

compassion whatsoever for animals.)

It's very strange. My ex sister in law literally cuts her kids loose when they

get near high school age and are no longer any use to her. Neither of her boys

graduated from high school. It was shocking really, the speed with which she

lost interest...it seemed to coincide with them becoming interested in girls and

they went from being young men with good grades and promising futures til all of

a sudden she'd kicked them out and they'd dropped out of school and were living

with their girlfriend's parents or with friends and working fast food. It's

actually very sad, and stunning because I did not see it coming, that she would

divest herself of a child so quickly. My mother has this

'stage of development thing' plus the black white thing when it comes to

girls=bad, boy=good. It's like their mental functioning capability gets locked

in at certain levels early on and there is just zero changing it. I suspect with

my mother it's arrested development all around, because of all her trauma. She

babysat all her cousins as children. I think that role was developed in

childhood too, although from the outside it appears *very* adult, I think that

too is a younger identity of hers. I have learned this from watching her

complete incapability of dealing with this hoarder/neglect veering into abuse

situation in her own home. She is %100 incapable of setting limits and

boundaries. She is incapable of speaking up and telling my sister in law to

better supervise her children, to not take naps without supervision for the 3

year old (whom my dad and I end up watching), etc, etc, etc. She absolutely

cannot assert herself about this situation in any way. I can and have, and

because she is apparently threatened by this, she has found it necessary to go

behind my back and character assassinate me to my sister in law, which is a

whole different enchilada, but anyway...

My point is even though the one trait seems very positive and 'adult' I think

it's just a holdover from a childhood role that was very powerful and fulfilling

for her. I think it confuses alot of us, because we look and say she's a 'good

mother', when the mechanical and physical aspects of mothering can be performed

adequately by girls as young as eleven or twelve. It's only later that children

need a bit more maturity and complexity in a caregiver, about the ages of the

double digits. It's no surprise that's when they start disliking us so much...we

need more than they are capable of giving at that point.

In the things you mentioned that irritate you, she's controlling. You said she'd

jump through fire to protect a ward of hers. There really is no inconsistency

there at all. She's applying the same behavior to two different levels of

maturity. She can't envision anyone being an adult or being mature. Part of it

might just be because of habit or part of it might be because she never

processed through those stages herself, as BPD, so she can't relate to them or

even imagine them. She's in that one role, and she's not mentally capable of

applying different treatment to people at varying levels of maturity. That is a

very regressed trait, I think.

I don't think there is anything to do but acquire coping skills or ways to vent

the annoyance. The other people present have to set boundaries with her...and

you might have to set a rule not to discuss it with them since it will eat away

at your 'inner peace' the more time you spend talking about it and thinking

about it. If they are leaning on you to affect her behavior somehow that's

creating a triangle and boy howdy is that a frustrating position to be in, they

need to take up her issues with her themselves.

>

> I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

>

[Guest guest]

I've given up trying to get my Mom to do stuff - the effort is too exhausting

and she shuns all suggestions. She used to be a dentist and quit ages ago -

since then she does sculptures, art, etc. But nothing that really fills her day

- she is bored stiff and annoying us all!

N

> That's too bad. I agree with you that anything that can get her out of the

house and fill her time in a productive, satisfying way will be good for all of

you. Volunteer activities might be something that appeals to her, like

volunteering to teach adults or teens reading skills at the local library; not

particularly stressful, and probably very flexible RE her lack of dependability,

and a very good deed that can make her feel good about herself.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes, that describes my mother very well. She needs to be needed, and I get that.

We all need some kind of purpose in life.

But, if she doesn't have it, she forces herself and her opinion and her needs on

the family. ONLY the family. She refuses to make real friends, people she can

open up with and be vulnerable with and be helpful to.

She doesn't take the initiative to volunteer anywhere. My mother would be

FANTASTIC at a hospital. She likes to be around sadness and people in need.

And as you say, as soon as she doesn't have this anymore, like when she stopped

watching one of my kids, she becomes mean, everything we say or do is in some

way against her.

It's tiring. I'm spent from trying to couch my words and say it right.

>

> I get so frustrated with my mom's BPD because she is one who, when in

caretaker mode, can function very normally. It wasn't until we began to go off

to college that she started to lose control. When she is responsible for

something (caring for my son, watching my sister's cat, house sitting) she feels

she has purpose and would jump in front of a train to keep her ward safe. She

doesn't let her guard down for a second. But, the moment she no longer has that

" protector " identity, she is back to taking everything we say as a personal

attack, telling my sister to quit her job (which she needs if she and her

husband ever hope to move out of mom's house), and nagging my dad about his work

schedule (he is a retail store manager, she no longer works). I get so tired of

it. I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but I'd love to hear

how anyone else deals with it.

>