Guest guest Posted December 23, 2011 Report Share Posted December 23, 2011 I am incredibly conflicted right now. I am relived because Nada did not call me this last week. but I know she will call on Christmas. and it will probably end in tears. no matter what happens. and since she did not call this week I feel like I have to talk to her on Christmas even though I Really don't want to. I am anxious because I need to make Christmas presents still, and I am so stressed about NADA that my skills are dull. I really wanted to make it special this year. I am feeling Guilty. Nada thinks and fully believes that she lived her life for her children. which is total crap. she only thinks that because she knows that is what a mother should do, and won't admit she ever made any real mistakes. and she can't understand how in the world I can't forgive her for the past. especially because it was me who was hurt not her doing the hurting. I feel like an idiot for being mad about the past, and unfair for dredging up many past wrongs all at once. but I never allowed myself to feel all of this before. part of me still wonders if I really have been hurt or if i just want to think I was. I still wonder if Nada is right and I just have a " chip on my shoulder " part of Me is ANGRY. angry that she made me so out of touch with my own feelings by manipulating, questioning and damming them. I am sick of feeling so conflicted, and I don't know how to stop. I want to forgive her instead of forcing myself to assume that she did what she could for me. I know she needed to do more, but is it unfair to think so? I feel a huge sense of injustice that I am the only one who thinks this relationship needs work, and am the only one willing to work to make it better. especially because I have to work so hard just to keep from hurting her when she abuses me. I hate the way she treats me. she is condescending, and expects so little of me that she is surprised by anything I succeed at, and can't praise anything without being demeaning. she nags me constantly because she thinks I can't keep up with anything without being told how to do it. how do I accept those perceptions without being manipulated and crushed by them? do I just like complaining? how do I hold on to the good things in my life when I am so emotionally tortured? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2011 Report Share Posted December 23, 2011 We've all been there, nadas are great at the guilt (try adding jewish mother guilt into that) Therapy is what really helped me. You really have to step back and do what's best for you. Regardless of the threats,etc...nadas will never cut you off because they totally fear the abadonment. So if she calls on christmas keep it short, pretend your cell is ringing or go out and ring the door bell and tell her you'll call her back. If she's been behaving you can, if not ignore her.  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, December 23, 2011 2:59 PM Subject: conflicted  I am incredibly conflicted right now. I am relived because Nada did not call me this last week. but I know she will call on Christmas. and it will probably end in tears. no matter what happens. and since she did not call this week I feel like I have to talk to her on Christmas even though I Really don't want to. I am anxious because I need to make Christmas presents still, and I am so stressed about NADA that my skills are dull. I really wanted to make it special this year. I am feeling Guilty. Nada thinks and fully believes that she lived her life for her children. which is total crap. she only thinks that because she knows that is what a mother should do, and won't admit she ever made any real mistakes. and she can't understand how in the world I can't forgive her for the past. especially because it was me who was hurt not her doing the hurting. I feel like an idiot for being mad about the past, and unfair for dredging up many past wrongs all at once. but I never allowed myself to feel all of this before. part of me still wonders if I really have been hurt or if i just want to think I was. I still wonder if Nada is right and I just have a " chip on my shoulder " part of Me is ANGRY. angry that she made me so out of touch with my own feelings by manipulating, questioning and damming them. I am sick of feeling so conflicted, and I don't know how to stop. I want to forgive her instead of forcing myself to assume that she did what she could for me. I know she needed to do more, but is it unfair to think so? I feel a huge sense of injustice that I am the only one who thinks this relationship needs work, and am the only one willing to work to make it better. especially because I have to work so hard just to keep from hurting her when she abuses me. I hate the way she treats me. she is condescending, and expects so little of me that she is surprised by anything I succeed at, and can't praise anything without being demeaning. she nags me constantly because she thinks I can't keep up with anything without being told how to do it. how do I accept those perceptions without being manipulated and crushed by them? do I just like complaining? how do I hold on to the good things in my life when I am so emotionally tortured? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2011 Report Share Posted December 23, 2011 Dear Olsemeik, I think it might help to try and process the idea that nadas truly have a different kind of consciousness than we do, and a different way of processing emotions. Borderlines are said to be three years old, emotionally. When they have outbursts of emotion, it can be like a three year old--compulsive, very intense perhaps but also very short-lived. In that way, you do not have to take what a nada SAYS her emotions are 'seriously'--at least, not in the way you would take an adult's honest, mature expression of emotion seriously. In my understanding, nadas do not express adult-level give and take emotion. Instead they express three year old, gratify me make it stop NOW!, tantrum-type emotions. Because of that, YOU have the right to decide which 'needs' of nadas are valid (if any), and act accordingly. It does not mean you have to act in a way that is objectively harmful to nada--it's that, you don't have to take *her word, for what is actually harming her. She really doesn't know. She's three. This can be hard to do because children are physically programmed to attach to their parents. We experience a physical urge to take nada seriously. It is a primal safety mechanism. We want to have a parent. As adults, we can teach ourselves that we are our own caretakers, now, and that nada's outbursts are harmful and not true. Good luck! --Charlie > > I am incredibly conflicted right now. I am relived because Nada did not call me this last week. but I know she will call on Christmas. and it will probably end in tears. no matter what happens. and since she did not call this week I feel like I have to talk to her on Christmas even though I Really don't want to. > > I am anxious because I need to make Christmas presents still, and I am so stressed about NADA that my skills are dull. I really wanted to make it special this year. > > I am feeling Guilty. Nada thinks and fully believes that she lived her life for her children. which is total crap. she only thinks that because she knows that is what a mother should do, and won't admit she ever made any real mistakes. and she can't understand how in the world I can't forgive her for the past. especially because it was me who was hurt not her doing the hurting. > > I feel like an idiot for being mad about the past, and unfair for dredging up many past wrongs all at once. but I never allowed myself to feel all of this before. part of me still wonders if I really have been hurt or if i just want to think I was. I still wonder if Nada is right and I just have a " chip on my shoulder " > > part of Me is ANGRY. angry that she made me so out of touch with my own feelings by manipulating, questioning and damming them. > > I am sick of feeling so conflicted, and I don't know how to stop. I want to forgive her instead of forcing myself to assume that she did what she could for me. I know she needed to do more, but is it unfair to think so? > > I feel a huge sense of injustice that I am the only one who thinks this relationship needs work, and am the only one willing to work to make it better. especially because I have to work so hard just to keep from hurting her when she abuses me. > > I hate the way she treats me. she is condescending, and expects so little of me that she is surprised by anything I succeed at, and can't praise anything without being demeaning. she nags me constantly because she thinks I can't keep up with anything without being told how to do it. how do I accept those perceptions without being manipulated and crushed by them? > > do I just like complaining? > > how do I hold on to the good things in my life when I am so emotionally tortured? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2011 Report Share Posted December 23, 2011 O I can relate. Firstly, you dont HAVE to talk to your nada! I won't be. It's the first time I haven't. Steph ps. I lost your blog address, can you resend it? conflicted I am incredibly conflicted right now. I am relived because Nada did not call me this last week. but I know she will call on Christmas. and it will probably end in tears. no matter what happens. and since she did not call this week I feel like I have to talk to her on Christmas even though I Really don't want to. I am anxious because I need to make Christmas presents still, and I am so stressed about NADA that my skills are dull. I really wanted to make it special this year. I am feeling Guilty. Nada thinks and fully believes that she lived her life for her children. which is total crap. she only thinks that because she knows that is what a mother should do, and won't admit she ever made any real mistakes. and she can't understand how in the world I can't forgive her for the past. especially because it was me who was hurt not her doing the hurting. I feel like an idiot for being mad about the past, and unfair for dredging up many past wrongs all at once. but I never allowed myself to feel all of this before. part of me still wonders if I really have been hurt or if i just want to think I was. I still wonder if Nada is right and I just have a " chip on my shoulder " part of Me is ANGRY. angry that she made me so out of touch with my own feelings by manipulating, questioning and damming them. I am sick of feeling so conflicted, and I don't know how to stop. I want to forgive her instead of forcing myself to assume that she did what she could for me. I know she needed to do more, but is it unfair to think so? I feel a huge sense of injustice that I am the only one who thinks this relationship needs work, and am the only one willing to work to make it better. especially because I have to work so hard just to keep from hurting her when she abuses me. I hate the way she treats me. she is condescending, and expects so little of me that she is surprised by anything I succeed at, and can't praise anything without being demeaning. she nags me constantly because she thinks I can't keep up with anything without being told how to do it. how do I accept those perceptions without being manipulated and crushed by them? do I just like complaining? how do I hold on to the good things in my life when I am so emotionally tortured? ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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