left alone and i dont think they understand or know what i go through

[Guest guest]

i have to deal with my BPD mother for the past 29 yrs..and i always knew there

was somethng wrong..but i get trapped in the relation and i think this kind of

love is normal...others get a chance to breathe and discover who they are away

fromt heir BPD parent when they go to college ..i got that..but soon after my

mom had to move in with me again..immigrating from overseas...after a dramatic

family situation back home that led her to even loose her job...so this didnt

make the siatuation any easier... i cant and dont feel like talking about the

crazy and stressful and scary situations i had to live through...but my point

today is...since i had to deal with my depressed and BPD mother all alone when

my dad and my brother were far away...they didnt see what i have to go

through..and it was exhausting to me..i reached a point when i couldnt cope

anymore..and was beggin for help from my dad..when he also immigrated to u.s. to

be close by..that helped for a while..but still the family is dysfunctional..i

only knew about my mom's situation although there is no offical diagnosis

because she didnt got o a psychologist..i did though...i needed help..!! i

usually reflect at the end of each year and see what as the greatest

achievements or things that i learned and i did the past year to be happyt hat

the year didnt pass by without any fruitfull events or things leanred..or love

felt or experinced...but my best birthday was the 27th..when i knew that all

what i was going through is becasue my mom probabaly have BPD...it was sucha

relief to know that there is a reason behind all that..but ofocurse it took me

three years until now..and i am still not exactly healed or storng..but i am

definitly much better and more centered than before.....but my point is even

today wen i kind of know whay all this is hapening i feel soooo alone..and i am

angry with my dad and my brother..and i feel left alone ot struggele with this

sitaution..and they dont understand becasue they dont experienc t..or because

they decided to avoid her and avoid the drama that comes with her...maybe they

are smarter..but i think they are also selfish for doing that..and this ofcourse

makes her feel abandoned and deserted..so no wonder she has all those

insecurites..but then..it is not my fault and i can not always cover for all the

love and security she needs..becasue i didnt have a life and lost myself..and i

reached a pont i hate her.a.nd dont want ot be around her..becasue it is not my

problem and it is exhausting and i feel she is selfish too...and where would i

start from? who can understand this form my family when they deliberatly decided

to not be soo close..and how can i find osmebody to love me and uderstand

this..? now i am a little bit better and can seperate myself from her..especally

when i moved out of the apartmetn..but still..some times like the past w.e.

there was another hysterical drama when she was begging me to stay ..cuz she was

afraid she will loose me and i will dissappear from her life again..becase i got

soo upset and said i dont want to see her again..just because i got fed up from

her attitude and her defensiveness and making me seem like the villain ..it is

pethatic..and she came in running after me int he parking lot in sucha pethatic

scary way..and i couldnt leave her..and i was scared for her..adn scared if i

left her..but more becasue she has knee problem form her being soo clumsy cz she

obviouly doenst think straight..and with her running after me ...it means she is

pressing hard on her weak knee..it make me feel sooo bad..becausei am seeing her

destroying herself..and i am involved int he reasons why..and i feel bad athat i

see her huting herself..and i cant help her..beacaue i alwyas did and it doesnt

really change..but i feel like i want to constantly observe her to prevent her

from making those stupid irraitonal reactons that leads to those physical and

mental hurt...it is verrryyy hard ..i know my psychologist tells me ts not my

fault or probelm and tries to let me see that this is situion..but even when i

try to detach myself..look at me now..i feel trapped and guilty and ia m

contslty afraid that she will die sooner than she should becasue of how bad she

treats herself..infact i feel that alot of times she is not living....just

barely..verryyyy saaaadddddddd.....veerrrrrryyyyy saaaaaddddddddddd and when

that person is your mother.?!?!?!? i cant help but cryyyy it is very

hurtful...my energy is all going in that direction..and i wonder how cna i ever

have a bay of my own..it is just exhausing just to think about mom..i really

feel like i am already her mother..and i ahte that..becasue i am NOT..i am a

daughter..but good luck experiecning that! and where are my dad and

brother..well now i dont even speak with my brother..and he doesnt knwo hwo to

communcaite either...ohh never ending storyyyyyyyyyyy