and so it begins...anyone know anything about A.D.D.?

[Guest guest]

I am really down tonight, and of course this would be the week that i decided to

skip therapy because money is tight...something my brother said tonight really

upset me. My sister in law is uBPD, screamingly, low-functioning, major hoarder

tendencies, pathological liar, alla that.

anyway, she split her kids right after the 2 year old was born and she decided

it was too much work to adequately parent the 3 year old at the same time, so

the three year old is the bad one and the 2 year old, who not so coincidentally

looks just like her, is the 'good' one.

I have confronted and cajoled and begged my brother to see what is going on and

have told him explicity that she is low functioning bpd and this is how they

parent, the splitting, etc...my dad and I have pretty much parented this kid for

a huge portion of the time they have been here, he's a great kid but sometimes

has some problems with transitioning and stuff, he was evaluated and found to

have 30% sensory delay, they never followed up with him on a full evaluation 6

months later.

but tonight my brother came out with this garbage about the 3 year old being

" A.D.D. " . And how he's " going to have trouble paying attention in school " . And

the child was right there and I could tell he was listening, i said, 'don't even

joke about that, they'll put him on meds', and he was like " I don't want him

medicated but I'm serious'.

I am sooooooooooooooo upset and angry about this. I know we will be hearing this

crap from here on out. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Can a three

year old even be diagnosed with ADD? ADHD maybe, but he didn't say anything

about hyperactivity, which he is no more hyper than his brother. He said ADD.

Does anyone know ANYTHING about this? I am so upset because I see this same crap

happening to my nephew that happened to me. There is a problem with one of the

spouses and so what do they do? Confront it head on? Hell, no, they pathologize

one of the children, who gets labeled crazy or hyper or something, anything,

just please god don't let the queen bpd get called out on her insanity...so the

kid will go through life feeling less than. I just hope to h-E- double hockey

sticks that he takes him to be evaluated and the doctor tells them where to get

off. This kid's problems ALL come from his mother...I know abuse changes brain

chemistry and it's entirely possible her rejection caused permanent damage but

this kid is NOT attention deficit, no more than any other three year old. I am

so angry right now I could spit nails. I know because I watched him every

afternoon for a year and he would sit in one spot and play quietly with his

trains, for hours. That is his pattern. Around his brother he can be difficult

because his brother interferes in his imaginary land and situations he creates,

the parents rarely see him alone, playing quietly.

My therapist has been telling me that this situation being so similar to my

childhood is triggering the beejesus out of me and for that reason alone, having

to stand by and watch it happen to another child, a whole new generation, is

excruciating and I need to get out...I had not considered that being a source of

pain, the fact of watching the same train wreck that happened to me happen to

another kid. If felt like punching his arrogant arse tonight when he said that.

If anyone has any knowledge or feedback about A.D.D. I would appreciate it and

when it can be diagnosed, etc. The only upshot I can see in their leap to

pathologize this child is that he *might* possibly get some therapy out of it,

maybe, hopefully...? I know it's kid of off topic but I wanted to share it

because I am so furious at my brother for turning out to be a pathetic, stupid,

useless freaking dishrag dad, and eating up all the lies this lunatic is telling

him about his kids and us, his family, meanwhile all of us are runnign around

with our hair on fire trying to get him to see the truth. AND HE WON'T. It's so

frustrating...

[Guest guest]

I can relate a little bit to that feeling of helpless rage - for me it's with

regard to my nada's neglect of her pets and of herself that's led to some awful

situations. I think if I saw it happening to a child I'd flip out too. I

don't know much particularly about ADD but I read a lot of articles about mental

health and the trend to pathologize and drug children for what used to be normal

behavior is big right now. Maybe the best thing you can do for your nephew is

be an advocate for him encouraging your brother to not put him on meds or get a

second opinion if he sees someone who wants to do that.

Also...just your presence in your nephew's life has already helped him and will

help him. Having ANY healthy connection does help minimize the damage - many

people have shared this on this list. I did not have that and would have given

anything in the world for it as a kid. Even if you can't " save " him you can

still be an escape hatch of sanity for him. Maybe looking at it that way will

help?

Eliza

>

>

> I am really down tonight, and of course this would be the week that i decided

to skip therapy because money is tight...something my brother said tonight

really upset me. My sister in law is uBPD, screamingly, low-functioning, major

hoarder tendencies, pathological liar, alla that.

>

> anyway, she split her kids right after the 2 year old was born and she

decided it was too much work to adequately parent the 3 year old at the same

time, so the three year old is the bad one and the 2 year old, who not so

coincidentally looks just like her, is the 'good' one.

>

> I have confronted and cajoled and begged my brother to see what is going on

and have told him explicity that she is low functioning bpd and this is how they

parent, the splitting, etc...my dad and I have pretty much parented this kid for

a huge portion of the time they have been here, he's a great kid but sometimes

has some problems with transitioning and stuff, he was evaluated and found to

have 30% sensory delay, they never followed up with him on a full evaluation 6

months later.

>

> but tonight my brother came out with this garbage about the 3 year old being

" A.D.D. " . And how he's " going to have trouble paying attention in school " . And

the child was right there and I could tell he was listening, i said, 'don't even

joke about that, they'll put him on meds', and he was like " I don't want him

medicated but I'm serious'.

>

> I am sooooooooooooooo upset and angry about this. I know we will be hearing

this crap from here on out. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Can a

three year old even be diagnosed with ADD? ADHD maybe, but he didn't say

anything about hyperactivity, which he is no more hyper than his brother. He

said ADD. Does anyone know ANYTHING about this? I am so upset because I see this

same crap happening to my nephew that happened to me. There is a problem with

one of the spouses and so what do they do? Confront it head on? Hell, no, they

pathologize one of the children, who gets labeled crazy or hyper or something,

anything, just please god don't let the queen bpd get called out on her

insanity...so the kid will go through life feeling less than. I just hope to

h-E- double hockey sticks that he takes him to be evaluated and the doctor tells

them where to get off. This kid's problems ALL come from his mother...I know

abuse changes brain chemistry and it's entirely possible her rejection caused

permanent damage but this kid is NOT attention deficit, no more than any other

three year old. I am so angry right now I could spit nails. I know because I

watched him every afternoon for a year and he would sit in one spot and play

quietly with his trains, for hours. That is his pattern. Around his brother he

can be difficult because his brother interferes in his imaginary land and

situations he creates, the parents rarely see him alone, playing quietly.

>

> My therapist has been telling me that this situation being so similar to my

childhood is triggering the beejesus out of me and for that reason alone, having

to stand by and watch it happen to another child, a whole new generation, is

excruciating and I need to get out...I had not considered that being a source of

pain, the fact of watching the same train wreck that happened to me happen to

another kid. If felt like punching his arrogant arse tonight when he said that.

If anyone has any knowledge or feedback about A.D.D. I would appreciate it and

when it can be diagnosed, etc. The only upshot I can see in their leap to

pathologize this child is that he *might* possibly get some therapy out of it,

maybe, hopefully...? I know it's kid of off topic but I wanted to share it

because I am so furious at my brother for turning out to be a pathetic, stupid,

useless freaking dishrag dad, and eating up all the lies this lunatic is telling

him about his kids and us, his family, meanwhile all of us are runnign around

with our hair on fire trying to get him to see the truth. AND HE WON'T. It's so

frustrating...

>

[Guest guest]

thanks Eliza my therapist keeps reminding me of that, about being someone who

loves and supports him in a sane way, because I continually think in

black/white which is if i can't save him and physically remove him from the

situation then I am no good to him whatsoever, but she says being someone who

says 'you can always talk to me' any time you want to, etc' is helpful.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with someone neglecting their animals, that

would drive me insane, I am such an animal lover. That's the reason, the only

reason, I am here, because I have three dogs, I had four dogs until winter when

i had my 14 year old australian cattle dog put to sleep because of her arthritis

and I didn't want her to have to suffer through the cold. It would be torture

for me to have to watch animals mistreated, just the same as watching kids

mistreated. My therapist wants me to leave as soon as possible which means

leaving 2 of the dogs here, 'boarding' them, but I feel like I can't trust my

dad to just let them be and let me come back and feed them and care for them, he

will probably let them out of their pens and crap and I am afraid they will get

run over. Also I would really just love to take all the animals which is seven

in all, but needless to say no place I rent will allow that.

> >

> >

> > I am really down tonight, and of course this would be the week that i

decided to skip therapy because money is tight...something my brother said

tonight really upset me. My sister in law is uBPD, screamingly, low-functioning,

major hoarder tendencies, pathological liar, alla that.

> >

> > anyway, she split her kids right after the 2 year old was born and she

decided it was too much work to adequately parent the 3 year old at the same

time, so the three year old is the bad one and the 2 year old, who not so

coincidentally looks just like her, is the 'good' one.

> >

> > I have confronted and cajoled and begged my brother to see what is going on

and have told him explicity that she is low functioning bpd and this is how they

parent, the splitting, etc...my dad and I have pretty much parented this kid for

a huge portion of the time they have been here, he's a great kid but sometimes

has some problems with transitioning and stuff, he was evaluated and found to

have 30% sensory delay, they never followed up with him on a full evaluation 6

months later.

> >

> > but tonight my brother came out with this garbage about the 3 year old being

" A.D.D. " . And how he's " going to have trouble paying attention in school " . And

the child was right there and I could tell he was listening, i said, 'don't even

joke about that, they'll put him on meds', and he was like " I don't want him

medicated but I'm serious'.

> >

> > I am sooooooooooooooo upset and angry about this. I know we will be hearing

this crap from here on out. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Can a

three year old even be diagnosed with ADD? ADHD maybe, but he didn't say

anything about hyperactivity, which he is no more hyper than his brother. He

said ADD. Does anyone know ANYTHING about this? I am so upset because I see this

same crap happening to my nephew that happened to me. There is a problem with

one of the spouses and so what do they do? Confront it head on? Hell, no, they

pathologize one of the children, who gets labeled crazy or hyper or something,

anything, just please god don't let the queen bpd get called out on her

insanity...so the kid will go through life feeling less than. I just hope to

h-E- double hockey sticks that he takes him to be evaluated and the doctor tells

them where to get off. This kid's problems ALL come from his mother...I know

abuse changes brain chemistry and it's entirely possible her rejection caused

permanent damage but this kid is NOT attention deficit, no more than any other

three year old. I am so angry right now I could spit nails. I know because I

watched him every afternoon for a year and he would sit in one spot and play

quietly with his trains, for hours. That is his pattern. Around his brother he

can be difficult because his brother interferes in his imaginary land and

situations he creates, the parents rarely see him alone, playing quietly.

> >

> > My therapist has been telling me that this situation being so similar to my

childhood is triggering the beejesus out of me and for that reason alone, having

to stand by and watch it happen to another child, a whole new generation, is

excruciating and I need to get out...I had not considered that being a source of

pain, the fact of watching the same train wreck that happened to me happen to

another kid. If felt like punching his arrogant arse tonight when he said that.

If anyone has any knowledge or feedback about A.D.D. I would appreciate it and

when it can be diagnosed, etc. The only upshot I can see in their leap to

pathologize this child is that he *might* possibly get some therapy out of it,

maybe, hopefully...? I know it's kid of off topic but I wanted to share it

because I am so furious at my brother for turning out to be a pathetic, stupid,

useless freaking dishrag dad, and eating up all the lies this lunatic is telling

him about his kids and us, his family, meanwhile all of us are runnign around

with our hair on fire trying to get him to see the truth. AND HE WON'T. It's so

frustrating...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad the info helped. While the trouble with transitioning between

activities (especially if he's hyperfocused on something) can be part of the ADD

picture, keep in mind that ADD and ADHD can be viewed as a " continuum " of

behaviors - on one end is a kid who's way more mature and focused than his

peers, and on the other is a kid who's so out of control there's just no dealing

with him. Most kids are going to fall into a sort of bell curve in the middle -

sometimes distractible, sometimes able to do just fine - and if a child falls

below the a certain percentile, then that's where the ADD/ADHD diagnosis comes

into play. Your nephew may just be immature, the other learning difficulty may

be showing up as ADD-type behavior - there's really not a good way to know until

he's older and can be seen by a competent doctor. I can tell you this, though.

The same types of structure and early education that are important for kids with

ADD will be beneficial for any child.

When you are spending time with him, try to work in some of those techniques.

Think " vegetables before dessert " - have him complete a task before going on

to some reward. That's practice for homework and other unpleasant chores. Read

to him - every chance you get - and look at letters while singing the alphabet

song. Use blocks to make words and build things. Work on his fine motor skills

(they often lag in ADD boys). Have him help you cut out coupons with safety

scissors - that will help him to practice control. Then use the coupon and show

him how to add and subtract the 10 cents off of ice cream, and go buy it (and

eat it) as the reward. Basically, life has to become his school. If everything

is an educational experience, he will learn to learn. Does that make sense?

Gardening is biology class. Grocery shopping is reading and math. Driving to

the store with a city map is geography. Variety and action are the keys. Those

are things you can do while you're with him anyway.

That being said, trying to cut through the concentric circles of craziness that

surround him may be too difficult - and I am very concerned for YOU. If you

start seeing yourself as the only one who can " save " him, I'm afraid you'll

never get out of there. You can be his advocate, and maybe they'll let you add

your comments to the assessments done by doctors and teachers (I hope). You can

also be his cheering squad and his homework buddy later on, if you can talk with

him on the phone every day after school. Based on what you've told us over the

years, I am not optimistic about his idiot parents (and grandparents) stepping

up to the plate on this. All you can do is - do your best when you get the

chance.

[Guest guest]

I have an 18-year-old son who was diagnosed with ADHD at five, and suspected of

such from age three. He's the youngest of four; I am the non-BP spouse. I'm on

this site for myself (as the daughter of an NP) and my children (as the spouse

of NP/BP). Which is something else I'd like to see some comments on: how being

the KO landed me as the spouse of...

Anyway, my son was decidedly different from my other children. Much more active,

didn't sleep much even as a newborn, not interested in TV until age 2 1/2,

extremely friendly and outgoing, only child to climb out of his crib, ran right

into the street as soon as we opened the front door - you get the picture. So

yes, I believe it is possible to diagnose a child as young as three IF extremes

in behavior are noticeable.

That said, we did not medicate him until he started " real " school (there were

school district employees at his day care; that is where we got the initial,

professional opinion. I am an educator with the same district and noticed the

differences myself). He was on meds until he started high school. At that time,

team sports and honors classes seemed to take up his extra energy and provide

the stimulation and discipline his mind needed. He hasn't been back on them in

four years, although he and I have discussed that it may be something to

consider when he starts college in the fall.

Is be bright? Of course. Do his grades and test scores reflect that? Not at all.

He has talents that cannot be measured on tests - and we live in Texas, the

state that brought the whole country the " No Child Left Behind " testing craze.

Consequently his self-esteem has suffered, given that his three older siblings

excel at regular school (one's in engineering school, one's in med school, and

the other is about to start a PhD program).

In the beginning I went with herbal meds, made sure to eliminate food additives

and switched almost exclusively to organic where possible to minimize the toxins

in his diet. Supplemented his poor eating habits and low need for sleep with

protein shakes disguised with ice cream! I ultimately decided to medicate given

that people who are not properly balanced tend to self-medicate - a sure road to

difficulty in the teen years. Luckily, we have avoided that. Please consider

carefully what effect your decision to diagnose or not will have on his

self-esteem. Meds aren't always the answer, and we went through some awful side

effects before finding the right ones in the proper dosage, but I have a

competent, non-addicted, loving, articulate young man whom the world is just

waiting to welcome. I wish you peace in your decision making.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I am really down tonight, and of course this would be the week that i

decided to skip therapy because money is tight...something my brother said

tonight really upset me. My sister in law is uBPD, screamingly, low-functioning,

major hoarder tendencies, pathological liar, alla that.

> > > > >

> > > > > anyway, she split her kids right after the 2 year old was born and

she decided it was too much work to adequately parent the 3 year old at the same

time, so the three year old is the bad one and the 2 year old, who not so

coincidentally looks just like her, is the 'good' one.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have confronted and cajoled and begged my brother to see what is

going on and have told him explicity that she is low functioning bpd and this is

how they parent, the splitting, etc...my dad and I have pretty much parented

this kid for a huge portion of the time they have been here, he's a great kid

but sometimes has some problems with transitioning and stuff, he was evaluated

and found to have 30% sensory delay, they never followed up with him on a full

evaluation 6 months later.

> > > > >

> > > > > but tonight my brother came out with this garbage about the 3 year old

being " A.D.D. " . And how he's " going to have trouble paying attention in school " .

And the child was right there and I could tell he was listening, i said, 'don't

even joke about that, they'll put him on meds', and he was like " I don't want

him medicated but I'm serious'.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am sooooooooooooooo upset and angry about this. I know we will be

hearing this crap from here on out. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Can a three year old even be diagnosed with ADD? ADHD maybe, but he didn't say

anything about hyperactivity, which he is no more hyper than his brother. He

said ADD. Does anyone know ANYTHING about this? I am so upset because I see this

same crap happening to my nephew that happened to me. There is a problem with

one of the spouses and so what do they do? Confront it head on? Hell, no, they

pathologize one of the children, who gets labeled crazy or hyper or something,

anything, just please god don't let the queen bpd get called out on her

insanity...so the kid will go through life feeling less than. I just hope to

h-E- double hockey sticks that he takes him to be evaluated and the doctor tells

them where to get off. This kid's problems ALL come from his mother...I know

abuse changes brain chemistry and it's entirely possible her rejection caused

permanent damage but this kid is NOT attention deficit, no more than any other

three year old. I am so angry right now I could spit nails. I know because I

watched him every afternoon for a year and he would sit in one spot and play

quietly with his trains, for hours. That is his pattern. Around his brother he

can be difficult because his brother interferes in his imaginary land and

situations he creates, the parents rarely see him alone, playing quietly.

> > > > >

> > > > > My therapist has been telling me that this situation being so similar

to my childhood is triggering the beejesus out of me and for that reason alone,

having to stand by and watch it happen to another child, a whole new generation,

is excruciating and I need to get out...I had not considered that being a source

of pain, the fact of watching the same train wreck that happened to me happen to

another kid. If felt like punching his arrogant arse tonight when he said that.

If anyone has any knowledge or feedback about A.D.D. I would appreciate it and

when it can be diagnosed, etc. The only upshot I can see in their leap to

pathologize this child is that he *might* possibly get some therapy out of it,

maybe, hopefully...? I know it's kid of off topic but I wanted to share it

because I am so furious at my brother for turning out to be a pathetic, stupid,

useless freaking dishrag dad, and eating up all the lies this lunatic is telling

him about his kids and us, his family, meanwhile all of us are runnign around

with our hair on fire trying to get him to see the truth. AND HE WON'T. It's so

frustrating...

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ADD experts,

This is a little off topic - but I have a friend who is ADD. He's about age

30 now. He has major trouble planning and meeting deadlines. He is never on

time and he has left me hanging out to dry many times. We run a local event

together. I resigned the event this year.

Any thoughts on what his deal is or how to deal with him? I have pulled

WAAAAAAY back from our friendship, because I got screwed over this time

really bad on the event. I ended up doing it all by myself. . .

Anyway, i care about him but I'm not going to put my self in that position

again.

Thanks, Girlscout

> **

>

>

> I have an 18-year-old son who was diagnosed with ADHD at five, and

> suspected of such from age three. He's the youngest of four; I am the non-BP

> spouse. I'm on this site for myself (as the daughter of an NP) and my

> children (as the spouse of NP/BP). Which is something else I'd like to see

> some comments on: how being the KO landed me as the spouse of...

>

> Anyway, my son was decidedly different from my other children. Much more

> active, didn't sleep much even as a newborn, not interested in TV until age

> 2 1/2, extremely friendly and outgoing, only child to climb out of his crib,

> ran right into the street as soon as we opened the front door - you get the

> picture. So yes, I believe it is possible to diagnose a child as young as

> three IF extremes in behavior are noticeable.

>

> That said, we did not medicate him until he started " real " school (there

> were school district employees at his day care; that is where we got the

> initial, professional opinion. I am an educator with the same district and

> noticed the differences myself). He was on meds until he started high

> school. At that time, team sports and honors classes seemed to take up his

> extra energy and provide the stimulation and discipline his mind needed. He

> hasn't been back on them in four years, although he and I have discussed

> that it may be something to consider when he starts college in the fall.

>

> Is be bright? Of course. Do his grades and test scores reflect that? Not at

> all. He has talents that cannot be measured on tests - and we live in Texas,

> the state that brought the whole country the " No Child Left Behind " testing

> craze. Consequently his self-esteem has suffered, given that his three older

> siblings excel at regular school (one's in engineering school, one's in med

> school, and the other is about to start a PhD program).

>

> In the beginning I went with herbal meds, made sure to eliminate food

> additives and switched almost exclusively to organic where possible to

> minimize the toxins in his diet. Supplemented his poor eating habits and low

> need for sleep with protein shakes disguised with ice cream! I ultimately

> decided to medicate given that people who are not properly balanced tend to

> self-medicate - a sure road to difficulty in the teen years. Luckily, we

> have avoided that. Please consider carefully what effect your decision to

> diagnose or not will have on his self-esteem. Meds aren't always the answer,

> and we went through some awful side effects before finding the right ones in

> the proper dosage, but I have a competent, non-addicted, loving, articulate

> young man whom the world is just waiting to welcome. I wish you peace in

> your decision making.

>

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am really down tonight, and of course this would be the week

> that i decided to skip therapy because money is tight...something my brother

> said tonight really upset me. My sister in law is uBPD, screamingly,

> low-functioning, major hoarder tendencies, pathological liar, alla that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > anyway, she split her kids right after the 2 year old was born

> and she decided it was too much work to adequately parent the 3 year old at

> the same time, so the three year old is the bad one and the 2 year old, who

> not so coincidentally looks just like her, is the 'good' one.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have confronted and cajoled and begged my brother to see what

> is going on and have told him explicity that she is low functioning bpd and

> this is how they parent, the splitting, etc...my dad and I have pretty much

> parented this kid for a huge portion of the time they have been here, he's a

> great kid but sometimes has some problems with transitioning and stuff, he

> was evaluated and found to have 30% sensory delay, they never followed up

> with him on a full evaluation 6 months later.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > but tonight my brother came out with this garbage about the 3

> year old being " A.D.D. " . And how he's " going to have trouble paying

> attention in school " . And the child was right there and I could tell he was

> listening, i said, 'don't even joke about that, they'll put him on meds',

> and he was like " I don't want him medicated but I'm serious'.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I am sooooooooooooooo upset and angry about this. I know we will

> be hearing this crap from here on out. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD, FOR CRYING OUT

> LOUD. Can a three year old even be diagnosed with ADD? ADHD maybe, but he

> didn't say anything about hyperactivity, which he is no more hyper than his

> brother. He said ADD. Does anyone know ANYTHING about this? I am so upset

> because I see this same crap happening to my nephew that happened to me.

> There is a problem with one of the spouses and so what do they do? Confront

> it head on? Hell, no, they pathologize one of the children, who gets labeled

> crazy or hyper or something, anything, just please god don't let the queen

> bpd get called out on her insanity...so the kid will go through life feeling

> less than. I just hope to h-E- double hockey sticks that he takes him to be

> evaluated and the doctor tells them where to get off. This kid's problems

> ALL come from his mother...I know abuse changes brain chemistry and it's

> entirely possible her rejection caused permanent damage but this kid is NOT

> attention deficit, no more than any other three year old. I am so angry

> right now I could spit nails. I know because I watched him every afternoon

> for a year and he would sit in one spot and play quietly with his trains,

> for hours. That is his pattern. Around his brother he can be difficult

> because his brother interferes in his imaginary land and situations he

> creates, the parents rarely see him alone, playing quietly.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My therapist has been telling me that this situation being so

> similar to my childhood is triggering the beejesus out of me and for that

> reason alone, having to stand by and watch it happen to another child, a

> whole new generation, is excruciating and I need to get out...I had not

> considered that being a source of pain, the fact of watching the same train

> wreck that happened to me happen to another kid. If felt like punching his

> arrogant arse tonight when he said that. If anyone has any knowledge or

> feedback about A.D.D. I would appreciate it and when it can be diagnosed,

> etc. The only upshot I can see in their leap to pathologize this child is

> that he *might* possibly get some therapy out of it, maybe, hopefully...? I

> know it's kid of off topic but I wanted to share it because I am so furious

> at my brother for turning out to be a pathetic, stupid, useless freaking

> dishrag dad, and eating up all the lies this lunatic is telling him about

> his kids and us, his family, meanwhile all of us are runnign around with our

> hair on fire trying to get him to see the truth. AND HE WON'T. It's so

> frustrating...

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, GS - You say your friend/colleague has ADD behaviors - do you know if he's

been diagnosed? Or has he ever had any kind of treatment? It would be useful

to know that, because if he just ACTS like he has ADD but denies that his brain

is working differently, it would be a much tougher conversation.

I think this - he's not your child, spouse, or relative, and he's not a " direct

report " to be supervised. Therefore, the situation needs a bit of finesse if

you want to maintain the friendship. He may be a very smart, funny, creative

person, but there's this one part of his brain's " executive function " (planning,

resisting impulses, seeing things through to the end) - that just doesn't work

all that well. If he takes meds, you might determine whether he only takes them

Monday through Friday (then don't plan your meetings on the weekends!). Other

than that, you can take on the role of the " executive secretary " who keeps

things organized and the trains running on time. The pitfall is that you

shouldn't have to do that in a business relationship. It puts you in a role you

don't really want (becoming the " mommy " for the project.) However, if you must

deal with him, or you like him enough to keep the relationship going - then just

realize that he doesn't have that internal organization system in place, and

that you'll have to step in to that part of the management role.

I have seen this in my brother, brother-in-law, and brother-in-law's son, and

that's what prompted me to move heaven and earth to instill external

organization tools and techniques in my son. It was a lot of work, but at least

he knows what being organized and on time is supposed to look like - and he

knows he just doesn't have the ability to let things slide then throw everything

together at the last minute. These things can be learned, but I'm not

optimistic for the chances of an ADD adult who hasn't practiced the skill set -

the bad habits are already ingrained.

If this guy can afford to hire a great assistant or secretary, that would go a

long way toward making his professional life easier - but he'd have to actually

listen to the assistant. One of the most brilliant lawyers I ever knew had a

very strong ADHD streak - and his secretary had full permission to nag him to

death so he'd get places on time, meet deadlines, and turn in his billable time.

It was a weird, but successful, work relationship.

[Guest guest]

Thanks , great info!!! Yes, he has been diagnosed, but I doubt he takes

meds because he has no health insurance (most of my friends don't. . .).

Executive organizer and secretary - that has been exactly my role with

him!!! I am actually very good at it, but we kind of had a parting of the

ways when he asked me to work with someone I didn't trust and she turned on

me when I called her out on not having her assignments finished. The girl

totally freaked and lashed out at me, name calling and the whole nine yards.

.. . and I'm having trouble trusting my friend again because i predicted that

would be a problem and he asked me to trust him and work with her. . .

Anyway, I guess the trust aspect is not so much an add/adhd issue - its just

plain trust. . .

On Sat, Jul 9, 2011 at 3:43 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi, GS - You say your friend/colleague has ADD behaviors - do you know if

> he's been diagnosed? Or has he ever had any kind of treatment? It would be

> useful to know that, because if he just ACTS like he has ADD but denies that

> his brain is working differently, it would be a much tougher conversation.

>

> I think this - he's not your child, spouse, or relative, and he's not a

> " direct report " to be supervised. Therefore, the situation needs a bit of

> finesse if you want to maintain the friendship. He may be a very smart,

> funny, creative person, but there's this one part of his brain's " executive

> function " (planning, resisting impulses, seeing things through to the end) -

> that just doesn't work all that well. If he takes meds, you might determine

> whether he only takes them Monday through Friday (then don't plan your

> meetings on the weekends!). Other than that, you can take on the role of the

> " executive secretary " who keeps things organized and the trains running on

> time. The pitfall is that you shouldn't have to do that in a business

> relationship. It puts you in a role you don't really want (becoming the

> " mommy " for the project.) However, if you must deal with him, or you like

> him enough to keep the relationship going - then just realize that he

> doesn't have that internal organization system in place, and that you'll

> have to step in to that part of the management role.

>

> I have seen this in my brother, brother-in-law, and brother-in-law's son,

> and that's what prompted me to move heaven and earth to instill external

> organization tools and techniques in my son. It was a lot of work, but at

> least he knows what being organized and on time is supposed to look like -

> and he knows he just doesn't have the ability to let things slide then throw

> everything together at the last minute. These things can be learned, but I'm

> not optimistic for the chances of an ADD adult who hasn't practiced the

> skill set - the bad habits are already ingrained.

>

> If this guy can afford to hire a great assistant or secretary, that would

> go a long way toward making his professional life easier - but he'd have to

> actually listen to the assistant. One of the most brilliant lawyers I ever

> knew had a very strong ADHD streak - and his secretary had full permission

> to nag him to death so he'd get places on time, meet deadlines, and turn in

> his billable time. It was a weird, but successful, work relationship.

>

>

>

>

>