Trying to accept that my nada will never change...

[Guest guest]

This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the slightest

infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother myself. I can't imagine

systematically going from bedroom to bedroom, berating each of my children, as

they cowered behind their beds, just because one of them did something I

considered wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children against one

another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws because they didn't buy into my

way of thinking, or rejecting my grandkids because they questioned my actions.

Because I operate from a place of love for my children and understand that kids

make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question my methods, I offer

compassion rather than anger to all of life's events involving my children so

that we can always be in relationship with one another.

That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a place of anger

rather than compassion. Anger when people don't do things the way she would like

them to. My nada, due to her ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren

for various reasons over the years along with numerous other family members and

friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day because she has

destroyed so many relationships with others. Wouldn't the pain of being alone be

enough to make her realize that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing

out on wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and get

along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can maintain her position

even in the face of losing so many important family relationships. Sure, she

still has my sister and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed, even when the

writing should be on the wall to tell her otherwise. I would have thought that

once my nada saw all that she had lost, she would try and turn herself around.

But she won't ever I suppose and I find that so very sad. Sad for her that she

has to live a life like that and sad also for my children and myself to not have

the mother and grandmother we should.

Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my nada's life

decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I suppose a part of me wishes she

would look at what she has done and try and make it right. I thought maybe if

she hit bottom and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because of

her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she doesn't think she has

done anything wrong and won't ever think she has done anything wrong I suppose.

When I think of the wonderful relationships I share with my friends and

remaining family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and certainly feel better

being away from all of the drama and hurt but I am obviously still grieving that

things have to be this way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to

get the help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking everyone

but her is the one with the problem. I guess I just need to work on accepting

that she will probably never see the light.

[Guest guest]

Darcy,

One thing that helps me deal with my nada's choices is to

remember that BPD causes her decision-making ability to be

broken. Nadas just don't see the same choices we see much of the

time and when they do see the same options available, they don't

place the same valuations on the possible consequences. Your

nada isn't likely to choose to try to get along with people

because she doesn't understand that her actions are the reason

she's losing out on family relationships. In her mind, the

other people are the ones who are choosing not to get along. If

you can't see how you're at fault, it is hard to correct that

fault. Here's an example of nada-thinking. My nada whines to me

regularly about not understanding why my sister won't have any

contact with her. A number of years ago she kicked my sister out

of the house at 2 AM with just her purse and the clothes on her

back during Christmas break of her last year of college then

wrote her a letter telling her never to come back. Even after

that, my sister allowed nada to come to her graduation. Nada

came and caused a scene yelling and screaming because she was

late and my sister had to leave her room to go to the ceremony

before nada arrived. That was the last straw. Any normal person

would understand the lack of contact, but not my nada. In my

nada's mind, my sister chose to leave and walk to my house at 2

AM for no known reason. She's conveniently forgotten both her

own behavior that night and the letter she wrote. She's probably

totally forgotten her behavior at the graduation too. When you

live in your own version of reality where you never do anything

wrong, it isn't surprising that your decisions don't make sense

to anyone else.

At 01:49 PM 12/26/2011 Darcy wrote:

>This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the

>slightest infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother

>myself. I can't imagine systematically going from bedroom to

>bedroom, berating each of my children, as they cowered behind

>their beds, just because one of them did something I considered

>wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

>something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children

>against one another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws

>because they didn't buy into my way of thinking, or rejecting

>my grandkids because they questioned my actions. Because I

>operate from a place of love for my children and understand

>that kids make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question

>my methods, I offer compassion rather than anger to all of

>life's events involving my children so that we can always be in

>relationship with one another.

>

>That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a

>place of anger rather than compassion. Anger when people don't

>do things the way she would like them to. My nada, due to her

>ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren for various

>reasons over the years along with numerous other family members

>and friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day

>because she has destroyed so many relationships with others.

>Wouldn't the pain of being alone be enough to make her realize

>that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing out on

>wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and

>get along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can

>maintain her position even in the face of losing so many

>important family relationships. Sure, she still has my sister

>and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

>else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed,

>even when the writing should be on the wall to tell her

>otherwise. I would have thought that once my nada saw all that

>she had lost, she would try and turn herself around. But she

>won't ever I suppose and I find that so very sad. Sad for her

>that she has to live a life like that and sad also for my

>children and myself to not have the mother and grandmother we

>should.

>

>Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my

>nada's life decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I

>suppose a part of me wishes she would look at what she has done

>and try and make it right. I thought maybe if she hit bottom

>and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because

>of her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she

>doesn't think she has done anything wrong and won't ever think

>she has done anything wrong I suppose. When I think of the

>wonderful relationships I share with my friends and remaining

>family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

>companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and

>certainly feel better being away from all of the drama and hurt

>but I am obviously still grieving that things have to be this

>way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to get the

>help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking

>everyone but her is the one with the problem. I guess I just

>need to work on accepting that she will probably never see the

>light.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

The reason that " personality disorder " is a separate category of mental illness

(Axis II) is in part due to the " ego syntonic " aspect of it.

Ego syntonic means that the individual is not distressed by their own thoughts,

feelings, and behaviors. They believe that the way they think, feel, react and

behave is perfectly normal, understandable and justified. They're just fine,

thank you, and its everyone else who is crazy, mean, hateful, frustrating,

stupid, uncooperative, and causing all their problems. The person with pd can't

comprehend or accept that its something inside their own self that is warped and

skewed.

So, that's why Axis II disorders are considered untreatable, or unresponsive to

either talk therapy or drug therapy: those with personality disorders do not

seek treatment. " Nothing is wrong with me, why should I go into therapy? "

Instead, they drive their loved ones into treatment to cope with their abusive,

needy, demanding, or negligent, rejecting, manipulative, abnormal behaviors.

The rare few who are only very mildly affected by personality disorder, who are

able to comprehend that they are doing severe damage to their

relationships/their children and able to seek therapy for themselves, can

sometimes benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy and possibly also benefit

from meds (if there are co-morbid Axis I disorders present.)

But the pd person who does seek therapy needs it for YEARS. I've read that the

process is in effect like the therapist re-parenting the pd individual, from

scratch: rebuilding or trying to re-install a sense of selfhood, of empathy and

compassion, the ability to take responsibility for their own words and

behaviors, and teaching the pd individual techniques for self-soothing, and

self-regulating their wild emotions.

-Annie

>

> This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the slightest

infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother myself. I can't imagine

systematically going from bedroom to bedroom, berating each of my children, as

they cowered behind their beds, just because one of them did something I

considered wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children against one

another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws because they didn't buy into my

way of thinking, or rejecting my grandkids because they questioned my actions.

Because I operate from a place of love for my children and understand that kids

make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question my methods, I offer

compassion rather than anger to all of life's events involving my children so

that we can always be in relationship with one another.

>

> That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a place of anger

rather than compassion. Anger when people don't do things the way she would like

them to. My nada, due to her ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren

for various reasons over the years along with numerous other family members and

friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day because she has

destroyed so many relationships with others. Wouldn't the pain of being alone be

enough to make her realize that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing

out on wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and get

along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can maintain her position

even in the face of losing so many important family relationships. Sure, she

still has my sister and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed, even when the

writing should be on the wall to tell her otherwise. I would have thought that

once my nada saw all that she had lost, she would try and turn herself around.

But she won't ever I suppose and I find that so very sad. Sad for her that she

has to live a life like that and sad also for my children and myself to not have

the mother and grandmother we should.

>

> Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my nada's life

decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I suppose a part of me wishes she

would look at what she has done and try and make it right. I thought maybe if

she hit bottom and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because of

her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she doesn't think she has

done anything wrong and won't ever think she has done anything wrong I suppose.

When I think of the wonderful relationships I share with my friends and

remaining family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and certainly feel better

being away from all of the drama and hurt but I am obviously still grieving that

things have to be this way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to

get the help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking everyone

but her is the one with the problem. I guess I just need to work on accepting

that she will probably never see the light.

>

[Guest guest]

<< Wouldn't the pain of being alone be enough to make her realize that she needs

to change her ways? Wouldn't missing out on wonderful family memories be enough

to make her want to try and get along? I am having a hard time understanding how

she can maintain her position even in the face of losing so many important

family relationships. >>

 

  Darcy,

 

 

I empathize.  It is not easy to fathom how one will not change and get help

despite the consequences. You hit the nail on the head when you suggest your

nada believes it is not her but everyone else.  Please realize that from some

old source of anger, abuse or stress in her life long ago, her thinking and her

own sense of self were altered: she just does not perceive things the same way

we do and she “projects†her own anger and insecurity, pain and fear and

sense of loss onto you and others to try make it go away from herself. Stated

differently, she shifts it all onto you.  There is no self-defense nor any

escape other than to literally escape, to go LC or NC, or to move away. Some of

us move a continent away or move to another country.

 

She knows what she does is wrong but she does it anyway because it’s a

taunting “game.†(Aside: under the " M’Naughton  Rule " in law, such a

person, even though “crazy,†is  still morally and legally  responsible

for his or her actions --- it’s the so-called " knows right from wrong "

test.)  So if  she can get you to do something you ordinarily would never do,

or can needle or nag you into doing what you initially declined to do and still

“get your goat†in the process, then she’s “won the game.†It makes

her feel a bit better about herself and about her own perceived inadequacy vis a

vis you and everyone else whom she realizes are actually doing better than

she has  done (despite her own efforts and/or  her efforts to still spoil

things).

 

So your boundaries will not be honored, as she perceives these as mere

challenges, akin to a new game or amusement. So, even as the books (Stop Walking

on Eggshells and others) and the therapists ask you to set boundaries and to

please do not fulfill her fears of abandonment, you may have little choice but

to cut off contact or even just leave lest you, figuratively speaking, drown

with her clinging to your neck as she pulls you down too.

 

She will frighten away people who’d have been your friends (because she wants

to isolate and control you); perhaps even a person with potential to be your

partner, mate or spouse. (Even to the point of alienating your partner, mate or

spouse and that person’s family: eventually they can and they will distance

themselves from her and you by withdrawing from you or even divorcing you, too.

This happened to me. My spouse was terrified of my nada and feared us ending up

having to care for her; I’m convinced this was just one more reason for her

leaving and divorcing me later.)

 

 

No matter how many times you try to appease her, it is never enough: it’s

never good enough, not this time nor anytime. Even her praise or that syrupy

sweet  expression of affection is a mere set-up to knock you down a peg later

on.  Since she will not honor boundaries she will take what is not hers and

will demand things as compensation for actions she had not taken, even years

later. (One trait of this personality disorder is to now seek rescue from

circumstances she could have extracted herself from much earlier, but did not.)

 My nada did not pursue a divorce or legal separation and property settlement

with my father after he left her over 35 years ago. Now that he is no longer

alive, she contends “a constructive trust†had touched and then followed

every nickel from 35 years ago and so that I as his son now supposedly “oweâ€

her what she did not get from him then. The reality is that her remedy was in

the courts 35 years ago.

 

The reality  also is that I spent the first 24 years of my life as a caretaker,

unknowingly as both a KO and as an Adult Child of Alcoholics, and then I had to

leave to  go lead my own life.  I can forgive and I do forgive her

individually (not the behavior) as the forgiveness is for my own health.  

Author Mike Dooley states, in a blog post to a different person: “Both you and

your mother have much the same lesson to learn, which is very common in families

(also not a coincidence!).   That you are each responsible for your own

happiness, and cannot let the thoughts, beliefs, and actions of those you love

keep you from living as fully as you are capable of living.â€

 

May God Bless.

 

 

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 26, 2011 10:49 AM

Subject: Trying to accept that my nada will never change...

 

This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the slightest

infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother myself. I can't imagine

systematically going from bedroom to bedroom, berating each of my children, as

they cowered behind their beds, just because one of them did something I

considered wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children against one

another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws because they didn't buy into my

way of thinking, or rejecting my grandkids because they questioned my actions.

Because I operate from a place of love for my children and understand that kids

make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question my methods, I offer

compassion rather than anger to all of life's events involving my children so

that we can always be in relationship with one another.

That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a place of anger

rather than compassion. Anger when people don't do things the way she would like

them to. My nada, due to her ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren

for various reasons over the years along with numerous other family members and

friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day because she has

destroyed so many relationships with others. Wouldn't the pain of being alone be

enough to make her realize that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing

out on wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and get

along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can maintain her position

even in the face of losing so many important family relationships. Sure, she

still has my sister and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed, even when the

writing should be on the wall to

tell her otherwise. I would have thought that once my nada saw all that she had

lost, she would try and turn herself around. But she won't ever I suppose and I

find that so very sad. Sad for her that she has to live a life like that and sad

also for my children and myself to not have the mother and grandmother we

should.

Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my nada's life

decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I suppose a part of me wishes she

would look at what she has done and try and make it right. I thought maybe if

she hit bottom and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because of

her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she doesn't think she has

done anything wrong and won't ever think she has done anything wrong I suppose.

When I think of the wonderful relationships I share with my friends and

remaining family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and certainly feel better

being away from all of the drama and hurt but I am obviously still grieving that

things have to be this way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to

get the help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking everyone

but her is the one with the

problem. I guess I just need to work on accepting that she will probably never

see the light.

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina and Annie,

Thanks for your response to my post. I found both of your replies helpful and I

am going to try and work into a place where I can accept the reality of my

nada's condition. It is hard to accept this less than ideal relationship with my

nada, especially after a lifetime of trying to make it a good one, but slowly I

am beginning to understand it is the only option I have.

Darcy

> >This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the

> >slightest infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother

> >myself. I can't imagine systematically going from bedroom to

> >bedroom, berating each of my children, as they cowered behind

> >their beds, just because one of them did something I considered

> >wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

> >something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children

> >against one another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws

> >because they didn't buy into my way of thinking, or rejecting

> >my grandkids because they questioned my actions. Because I

> >operate from a place of love for my children and understand

> >that kids make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question

> >my methods, I offer compassion rather than anger to all of

> >life's events involving my children so that we can always be in

> >relationship with one another.

> >

> >That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a

> >place of anger rather than compassion. Anger when people don't

> >do things the way she would like them to. My nada, due to her

> >ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren for various

> >reasons over the years along with numerous other family members

> >and friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day

> >because she has destroyed so many relationships with others.

> >Wouldn't the pain of being alone be enough to make her realize

> >that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing out on

> >wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and

> >get along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can

> >maintain her position even in the face of losing so many

> >important family relationships. Sure, she still has my sister

> >and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

> >else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed,

> >even when the writing should be on the wall to tell her

> >otherwise. I would have thought that once my nada saw all that

> >she had lost, she would try and turn herself around. But she

> >won't ever I suppose and I find that so very sad. Sad for her

> >that she has to live a life like that and sad also for my

> >children and myself to not have the mother and grandmother we

> >should.

> >

> >Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my

> >nada's life decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I

> >suppose a part of me wishes she would look at what she has done

> >and try and make it right. I thought maybe if she hit bottom

> >and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because

> >of her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she

> >doesn't think she has done anything wrong and won't ever think

> >she has done anything wrong I suppose. When I think of the

> >wonderful relationships I share with my friends and remaining

> >family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

> >companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and

> >certainly feel better being away from all of the drama and hurt

> >but I am obviously still grieving that things have to be this

> >way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to get the

> >help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking

> >everyone but her is the one with the problem. I guess I just

> >need to work on accepting that she will probably never see the

> >light.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for your additional insights into behaviors nada's exhibit and how to

deal with them. I can see how going NC has really helped me and as you said, has

kept me from drowning and being pulled down with my nada. I was sinking before I

went NC and now that I am away from my nada, I feel so free and unencumbered. It

is so nice to do whatever I want and not have to worry about what my nada will

say about it. Of course walking away from my nada means walking away from my

siblings too because they are totally enmeshed with her. My sister who usually

sends a Christmas card and gifts to my children opted out of that plan this year

due in large part to me going NC with my mom. My brother is more than likely

following suit as I have not heard from him either. They are like puppets and my

nada controls their strings. I am so tired of their ways and so tired of their

games.

As I have been reading posts on this board, I have come to realize that I have

probably been Low Contact with my nada for at least 6 years without fully

realizing it, trying to maintain my boundaries etc...without much luck. My nada

always seemed to find new ways to manipulate me, no matter what changes I made.

Going NC has done the trick and brought me the freedom I was looking for. I

don't know if I could ever go back to LC. I don't think there is a battle plan

for me that would allow me to stay intact. Not suggesting everyone should take

this route, just that this is what has worked for me in my particular situation.

Thanks again for your help. I find the support on this board incredibly helpful!

Darcy

>

> << Wouldn't the pain of being alone be enough to make her realize that she

needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing out on wonderful family memories be

enough to make her want to try and get along? I am having a hard time

understanding how she can maintain her position even in the face of losing so

many important family relationships. >>

>  

>   Darcy,

>  

>  

> I empathize.  It is not easy to fathom how one will not change and get help

despite the consequences. You hit the nail on the head when you suggest your

nada believes it is not her but everyone else.  Please realize that from some

old source of anger, abuse or stress in her life long ago, her thinking and her

own sense of self were altered: she just does not perceive things the same way

we do and she “projects†her own anger and insecurity, pain and fear and

sense of loss onto you and others to try make it go away from herself. Stated

differently, she shifts it all onto you.  There is no self-defense nor any

escape other than to literally escape, to go LC or NC, or to move away. Some of

us move a continent away or move to another country.

>  

> She knows what she does is wrong but she does it anyway because it’s a

taunting “game.†(Aside: under the " M’Naughton  Rule " in law, such a

person, even though “crazy,†is  still morally and legally  responsible

for his or her actions --- it’s the so-called " knows right from wrong "

test.)  So if  she can get you to do something you ordinarily would never do,

or can needle or nag you into doing what you initially declined to do and still

“get your goat†in the process, then she’s “won the game.†It makes

her feel a bit better about herself and about her own perceived inadequacy vis a

vis you and everyone else whom she realizes are actually doing better than

she has  done (despite her own efforts and/or  her efforts to still spoil

things).

>  

> So your boundaries will not be honored, as she perceives these as mere

challenges, akin to a new game or amusement. So, even as the books (Stop Walking

on Eggshells and others) and the therapists ask you to set boundaries and to

please do not fulfill her fears of abandonment, you may have little choice but

to cut off contact or even just leave lest you, figuratively speaking, drown

with her clinging to your neck as she pulls you down too.

>  

> She will frighten away people who’d have been your friends (because she

wants to isolate and control you); perhaps even a person with potential to be

your partner, mate or spouse. (Even to the point of alienating your partner,

mate or spouse and that person’s family: eventually they can and they will

distance themselves from her and you by withdrawing from you or even divorcing

you, too. This happened to me. My spouse was terrified of my nada and feared us

ending up having to care for her; I’m convinced this was just one more reason

for her leaving and divorcing me later.)

>  

>  

> No matter how many times you try to appease her, it is never enough: it’s

never good enough, not this time nor anytime. Even her praise or that syrupy

sweet  expression of affection is a mere set-up to knock you down a peg later

on.  Since she will not honor boundaries she will take what is not hers and

will demand things as compensation for actions she had not taken, even years

later. (One trait of this personality disorder is to now seek rescue from

circumstances she could have extracted herself from much earlier, but did not.)

 My nada did not pursue a divorce or legal separation and property settlement

with my father after he left her over 35 years ago. Now that he is no longer

alive, she contends “a constructive trust†had touched and then followed

every nickel from 35 years ago and so that I as his son now supposedly “oweâ€

her what she did not get from him then. The reality is that her remedy was in

the courts 35 years ago.

>  

> The reality  also is that I spent the first 24 years of my life as a

caretaker, unknowingly as both a KO and as an Adult Child of Alcoholics, and

then I had to leave to  go lead my own life.  I can forgive and I do forgive

her individually (not the behavior) as the forgiveness is for my own health.  

Author Mike Dooley states, in a blog post to a different person: “Both you and

your mother have much the same lesson to learn, which is very common in families

(also not a coincidence!).   That you are each responsible for your own

happiness, and cannot let the thoughts, beliefs, and actions of those you love

keep you from living as fully as you are capable of living.â€

>  

> May God Bless.

>  

>  

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, December 26, 2011 10:49 AM

> Subject: Trying to accept that my nada will never

change...

>

>

>  

> This whole business of nada's getting mad at their kids for the slightest

infraction is so foreign to me as I am a mother myself. I can't imagine

systematically going from bedroom to bedroom, berating each of my children, as

they cowered behind their beds, just because one of them did something I

considered wrong. Then doing the same thing over again the next week when

something else set me off. I can't imagine pitting my children against one

another, ostracizing my son and daughter in laws because they didn't buy into my

way of thinking, or rejecting my grandkids because they questioned my actions.

Because I operate from a place of love for my children and understand that kids

make mistakes, even hurtful ones where they question my methods, I offer

compassion rather than anger to all of life's events involving my children so

that we can always be in relationship with one another.

>

> That is what is most confusing to me. My nada operates from a place of anger

rather than compassion. Anger when people don't do things the way she would like

them to. My nada, due to her ways, has alienated 3 out of 4 of her grandchildren

for various reasons over the years along with numerous other family members and

friends. Yesterday, Christmas day, she sat alone all day because she has

destroyed so many relationships with others. Wouldn't the pain of being alone be

enough to make her realize that she needs to change her ways? Wouldn't missing

out on wonderful family memories be enough to make her want to try and get

along? I am having a hard time understanding how she can maintain her position

even in the face of losing so many important family relationships. Sure, she

still has my sister and brother and one grandchild, but she has lost everybody

else. She still thinks she is the one that has been harmed, even when the

writing should be on the wall to

> tell her otherwise. I would have thought that once my nada saw all that she

had lost, she would try and turn herself around. But she won't ever I suppose

and I find that so very sad. Sad for her that she has to live a life like that

and sad also for my children and myself to not have the mother and grandmother

we should.

>

> Basically, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around my nada's life

decisions...it is just so hard to understand. I suppose a part of me wishes she

would look at what she has done and try and make it right. I thought maybe if

she hit bottom and took a look around and saw that everyone had left because of

her harming them, she would want to fix herself. But she doesn't think she has

done anything wrong and won't ever think she has done anything wrong I suppose.

When I think of the wonderful relationships I share with my friends and

remaining family, I wish my nada could feel the warmth of being in close

companionship with us. I went NC just over a month ago and certainly feel better

being away from all of the drama and hurt but I am obviously still grieving that

things have to be this way. I guess I thought going NC would encourage her to

get the help she needs but instead she continues on as usual, thinking everyone

but her is the one with the

> problem. I guess I just need to work on accepting that she will probably

never see the light.

>

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