Rejoining the group; Coping with broken no contact with nada

December 24, 2011

Hello everyone,

I was a member of this group when I first found out my mother had BPD about

three years ago. I was pretty active for the first few months and then things

seemed to somehow get better -- and I got busier -- and it dwindled off. My

mother and I came to blows again about 3-4 months ago. For a period of two

months she would call me incessantly at all hours of the night mostly to ask for

money or tell me about how great she was for helping my brother. The phone calls

went so horribly that it was actually my husband who told me I should consider

going no contact. He has had severe disagreements with his parents as well (not

BPD but still not fun) and said that at this point, it was clear to him that I

was just so full of anger, that even if all she said was " how are you? " I was

raging in return. I yelled at her quite severely one night, the next morning I

got an email from her best friend telling me how horrible I was, and so I

responded to her friend, and her saying that I needed time and distance and to

please not call me.

That was September. My birthday in early November came and went, nothing. I was

starting to feel really good. Liberated, not worrying about her. I live in

Africa at the moment and then last week had to travel to the US for three days

for business meetings. I went to my meetings, saw some old friends, flew back.

Going to America and not calling her or seeing her was weird. It bothered me for

about...10 minutes...twice. Honestly, no contact was the best I had felt in

years.

Then it happened. Apparently - my old babysitter who is friends with me on

Facebook (hate social networking) or someone had mentioned to her that I had

posted a status or something about being in America. So the day I return I get

an email from her. The subject line is " mom's phone number. " In the body, just

the phone number. As if -- I didn't know how to get ahold of her. But I felt it.

I could feel it coming. She wasn't going to stop until she got ahold of me. The

anxiety in me was growing and growing. My husband told me just to ignore it, but

I couldn't. I knew she was trying...and I knew she wouldn't stop. The next day,

my old babysitter send me a message on facebook. Subject? " Mom's phone number. "

Body? " - are you going to be home for the holidays? " My response, " Yes,

I just returned home. Was in the US for a few days but now at home in Juba and

will be here for Christmas. Hope all is well. "

Anxiety growing, growing. I could barely cope.

Then two days ago, I was sitting around with some friends having dinner at the

usual place, all is well, and my phone rings. I know from the country and area

code its her. She's calling. My face turned white, my husband thought I was

going to be sick. I just showed him the phone and said, " It's her. " He said,

" It's ok. Just don't answer. " But it was escalating. As I knew, she wasn't going

to stop.

Just her calling set me off. I started drinking...heavily. I've always had a bit

of a problem with alcohol anyway. I'm not an alcoholic, but when I do drink, I

have difficulty knowing when to stop. I drank a LOT. A TON actually. I was out

with friends and happy and fine. Then we got home. My husband passed out

immediately. And my mind went to one place. I knew exactly what I was going to

do. She wanted to talk to me? Well I was ready to talk.

I called her and the first time the connection was bad. The second time she

answered and all I said was, " Why are you contacting me. I said I needed TIME. "

And she said, " Well I figured you had had enough. " And I said, " Well, I

haven't. " And hung up. There I was...sitting in my bathroom, camped out hiding

my chain smoking from my snoring husband, drunk and angry. SO ANGRY. So I called

her again.

This time, I just said on the phone, " This is going to be the last time you ever

speak with me. Is there anything you'd like to say? " The broken KO tortured me

wanted to hear, " I'm sorry I hurt you. " Instead, what did I get, " Well I don't

know. I guess just that I love you. " To which I responded - in my drunken state-

" Yeah the f*ck right. " And hung up.

I cried all night. I feel like I've been in an emotional hang over for two days.

It's now Christmas Eve, and I can feel that she's going to try again. Or maybe

she won't. But that peace I had in no contact is definitely gone.

The point is - has anyone else had nada break a no contact request? How do you

deal with this? I feel like all the peace I had has been robbed from me.

N.

December 26, 2011

The short answer is " yes " -- after all, what boundary do nada's honor? None

that I can see.

I am not a drinker or a smoker, but there are other ways of perpetuating ruinous

behavior on myself. I am ashamed to say that when nada surprises me and I feel

violated, I further the violence on myself by not sleeping, eating really,

really badly, chewing my cuticles until they bleed. I think this is some form of

self hatred, I don't really know. I just know feeling hunted by nada or fada is

some form of psychic torture--afraid to answer my own phone or greet a strange

car coming up the drive.

I don't know if the bad habits are due to feeling the fear, or feeling helpless

because I continue to fear my own mother. Me, a successful mother of grown

children myself, scared of her own mother.

So yes, I saw myself in your post. I wish I knew how to eradicate this fear. It

seems even worse when I am NC with her--like my imagination just goes out of

control where she is concerned.

>

> Hello everyone,

>

> I was a member of this group when I first found out my mother had BPD about