New to the group, not to the behaviors..

[Guest guest]

Hi there....

Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism, histrionics,

and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married, have 4 kids, and

moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this summer. I moved out

of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't had to worry about

my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not even being on the

same continent would make it easier, but- no.

The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our boys,

who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought him

his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love Grandma

B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar mitzvah. Our

eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended when his

younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday, let alone

his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all and that the

cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really didn't matter

to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar Mitzvah boy a card

that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so many levels. She did

a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the card being pink and

girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a Freudian boo-boo.

I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor surgery,

couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's never about

anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus infection. If I

had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I understand, after more

years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!) than I can count, that

she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will, change her.

But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what got me.

She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at me in

writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I

told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share my joy

about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted this

period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's thousands

of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that she can

" no longer be treated in this manner. "

Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he is

angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And then

my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no

good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her first

husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to fill a

ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how damaged she

is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be angry

so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find myself crying a

lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap, with her. I

don't wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat

me like I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales of

woe.

I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

Happy Holidays to all,

Rach

[Guest guest]

Hello Rach,

If you want my guess, the answer to the question of why you keep

her in your life is probably just habit. She's always been in

your life and it may never have occurred to you that you could

change that, or if it did, it didn't seem reasonable because you

don't know other people who've had to make that choice. Cutting

off contact with your mother is an idea that is really foreign

to most people.

I continue to have contact with my nada (that's what we call our

non-motherlike mothers here) mainly because it is easier to deal

with having contact than to not have contact. She lives within

walking distance of me and hiding my phone number isn't possible

because I am self-employed and regularly advertise my phone

number for business reasons. If I maintain contact with her, I

can make it be on my terms and thus have some measure of control

over it. If I tried to have no contact, she'd come find me and

cause trouble that I'd have a lot less control over. So I call

her once in a while and see her occasionally for a short while

and help her with a few things as long as she behaves

reasonably. When she insists on violating my boundaries, I have

less contact with her and am not available to take care of her

problems for her unless it is a real emergency which it almost

never is.

At 05:47 PM 12/24/2011 wrote:

>Hi there....

>

>Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's

>narcissism, histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I

>am just under 40, married, have 4 kids, and moved out of the US

>(for non-mother related issues!!) this summer. I moved out of

>my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't had to

>worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd

>think that not even being on the same continent would make it

>easier, but- no.

>

>The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this

>week. One of our boys, who is named for my dad, had his Bar

>Mitzvah last month. My mother bought him his gift (an engraved

>silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love Grandma B.. "

>on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar

>mitzvah. Our eldest son was really touched when he got *his*

>cup but so offended when his younger brother got the same thing

>when it wasn't even his birthday, let alone his bar

>mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all and

>that the cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and

>that he really didn't matter to her. Fast forward to this week.

>She sent our current Bar Mitzvah boy a card that was CLEARLY

>meant for a girl, which negated him on so many levels. She did

>a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the card

>being pink and girly for the son named for my dad is more than

>just a Freudian boo-boo.

>

>I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I

>had minor surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across

>the planet- because it's never about anyone other than her. If

>my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus infection. If I had a

>great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I understand,

>after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the

>desk!) than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I

>can't, nor ever will, change her.

>

>But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah

>card is what got me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my

>name, and proceeded to yell at me in writing. She detailed how

>'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I told her

>about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't

>share my joy about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to

>get here, and I wanted this period of time to be about our son-

>not her), that even though she's thousands of miles away I

>can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

>or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life,

>and that she can " no longer be treated in this manner. "

>

>Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I

>learned that he is angry not only because of how she negated

>him, but how she treats me. And then my wise son said, " Why do

>you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no good

>answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why

>do I?

>

>My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten

>by her first husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's

>enough history there to fill a ton of books. I have spent a

>lot of time trying to understand how damaged she is, that she

>did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be

>angry so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I

>find myself crying a lot and just wanting to be done with the

>drama, with the crap, with her. I don't wish death, but I do

>wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat me like I'm

>here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales

>of woe.

>

>I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with

>their moms and perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its

>nice to know, just from readoing bits and pieces of the message

>boards, that you get it.

>

>Happy Holidays to all,

>Rach

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My mothers like yours it seems. I set myself free of her. If youre hanging on

out of a sense of guilt and a desire to feel your mother loves you please

consider setting yourself free. Shes distressing yourself and your children and

their mother for ......? Good luck :-)

Sent from my mobile device.

> Hi there....

>

> Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism,

histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married, have

4 kids, and moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this summer. I

moved out of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't had to

worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not even

being on the same continent would make it easier, but- no.

>

> The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our boys,

who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought him

his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love Grandma

B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar mitzvah. Our

eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended when his

younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday, let alone

his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all and that the

cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really didn't matter

to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar Mitzvah boy a card

that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so many levels. She did

a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the card being pink and

girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a Freudian boo-boo.

>

> I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor

surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's

never about anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus

infection. If I had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I

understand, after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!)

than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will,

change her.

>

> But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what got

me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at me in

writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I

told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share my joy

about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted this

period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's thousands

of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that she can

" no longer be treated in this manner. "

>

> Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he is

angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And then

my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no

good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

>

> My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her first

husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to fill a

ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how damaged she

is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be angry

so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find myself crying a

lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap, with her. I don't

wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat me like

I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales of woe.

>

> I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

>

> Happy Holidays to all,

> Rach

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I really feel for you, I saw myself in a lot of your message, your sentence

describes to the T my situation " My mother was verbally and emotionally abused

as a kid, beaten by her first husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's

enough history there to fill a ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying

to understand how damaged she is, that she did the best she could with what she

had, not wanting to be angry so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And

yet, I find myself crying a lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with

the crap, with her. "

I feel the exact same way! And I am near the end of my rope..dont know what to

do, want to be done with the drame, but know it will always be something. I got

married in May, and thought all I had to do was make it through that, but no,

the drama continues. I am angry about her terrible behavior at my wedding (too

much to get into here) but of course she wont apologize because she did nothing

wrong. I struggle everyday, wondering, do I continue the relationship, or do I

not. It is a daily process, do the best you can with what you have. I wish I had

answers for you, but I dont have answers for myself. There are so many emotions,

anger, sadness, guilt, more anger. I am learning to cope but to say it is

difficult would be an understatement. I wish you the best, and you are not

alone!

>

> Hi there....

>

> Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism,

histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married,

have 4 kids, and moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this

summer. I moved out of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't

had to worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not

even being on the same continent would make it easier, but- no.

>

> The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our boys,

who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought him

his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love Grandma

B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar mitzvah. Our

eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended when his

younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday, let alone

his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all and that the

cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really didn't matter

to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar Mitzvah boy a card

that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so many levels. She did

a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the card being pink and

girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a Freudian boo-boo.

>

> I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor

surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's

never about anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus

infection. If I had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I

understand, after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!)

than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will,

change her.

>

> But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what got

me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at me in

writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I

told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share my joy

about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted this

period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's thousands

of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that she can

" no longer be treated in this manner. "

>

> Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he is

angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And then

my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no

good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

>

> My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her first

husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to fill a

ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how damaged she

is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be angry

so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find myself crying a

lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap, with her. I

don't wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat

me like I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales of

woe.

>

> I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

>

> Happy Holidays to all,

> Rach

>

[Guest guest]

My mom and your mom could be twins, except with my mom she's aiming catholic

guilt my way. She is the drama queen in every event. Of my 2 kids, my son (and

youngest) has been barely tolerated by her since he was conceived. No matter

what transgression any of her other grandkids do, later the story is told by

nada as my son did it. She's such a toxic bitch.

Maybe you've kept her in your life for the same reason I have--for many years I

did not know what was wrong. It was only after finding out about BPD that I am

realizing she will not, CAN NOT change, no matter how hard I try to set a good

example or communicate better choices to her. I cannot fix her. She is never

going to be content with who I am, or my children are. So really, she is just a

relationship that would have ended a long time ago if we did not share DNA.

>

> Hi there....

>

> Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism,

histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married,

have 4 kids, and moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this

summer. I moved out of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't

had to worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not

even being on the same continent would make it easier, but- no.

>

> The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our boys,

who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought him

his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love Grandma

B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar mitzvah. Our

eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended when his

younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday, let alone

his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all and that the

cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really didn't matter

to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar Mitzvah boy a card

that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so many levels. She did

a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the card being pink and

girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a Freudian boo-boo.

>

> I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor

surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's

never about anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus

infection. If I had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I

understand, after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!)

than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will,

change her.

>

> But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what got

me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at me in

writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I

told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share my joy

about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted this

period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's thousands

of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that she can

" no longer be treated in this manner. "

>

> Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he is

angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And then

my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no

good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

>

> My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her first

husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to fill a

ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how damaged she

is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be angry

so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find myself crying a

lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap, with her. I

don't wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat

me like I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales of

woe.

>

> I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

>

> Happy Holidays to all,

> Rach

>

[Guest guest]

My FOO is HUGE there are 11 of us kids we are all married, and have our own

kids. and honestly my siblings are (mostly) great to be around. NADA just comes

with the package. My dad has figured out a system in which he ignores everyone

and everything at will, and completely ignores NADA's nagging and does whatever

he wants, and since he does not argue, Nada is none the wiser. she sees him as a

saint (except for there rare fights brought on by him having a verbal opinion)

he seems to work out his feelings by being constantly active.

I have been trying to figure out how to move forward with her, and be myself in

spite of her (she has a loathing for a personality she projected on me that does

not exist.) pushing me to conform to a mindless robot.

one thing that has helped me is to talk to some sisters who are older and more

experienced. they have managed a very healthy, but detached relationships with

NADA. they manage to ignore the blaming (NAda likes to blame in-law's for

EVERYTHING), because it is crazy, and maintain a chatty, but emotionally distant

relationship. this slakes nadas thirst to be part of things, but keeps personal

things safe from (very) prying eyes. I live a couple thousand miles away which

makes life easier.

there are still outbursts like two weeks ago when NADA was frustrated with me

for not stopping everything to have a long and friendly chat. and when I did not

tell her all about when I had an event to sing at before hand so she could

imagine it during...

one thing one of my sisters pointed out is that NADA has never really had

friends. she is very active in the community, and very talented musically,and

honestly pretty neat. but she can't get close because she is not tolerable (or

tolerant?)to people up close. she calls it her " prickly personality " she may be

admired, but she has no one to go to lunch with.

her children really are important to her, she just has no idea how to show it.

in my family emotional detachment is possible. I think while as kids we were

neglected, our numbers do us all a favor now. there are too many of us for any

one of us to bear the brunt. and fortunately (sometimes) NADA lives in a fantasy

world where her family is " perfect " yes she says that...

I think your decision has to fit your situation. I have a hard time dealing with

(or even recognizing) her manipulation still. but I have a husband who sets me

straight.

some family nada induced dynamics remain, but I need to practice boundaries

anyway because I am a huge magnet for Bp's or people who like doormats. those

who I have brought things up with in the family have tried to change (not NADA

though)

my Nada likes our babies, but looses interest with kids older that 8 or so. she

still sends them presents, but I think she likes babies because her only

involvement (with any kids) is to hold them, and if they are too old to want it,

they have worn out their usefulness. so while not interested in them she is

happy to judge them when the occasion presents itself (and blame the in-laws if

they have problems)

so I think I need to limit contact (like once a week she calls me, and I never

call her, and keeping it light and short) for my sanity, but I feel like as long

as she is being supportive (she can be in her way) I can too. but I will not

sleep at their house unless there are others there anymore. too much Nada makes

me crazy too.

> >

> > Hi there....

> >

> > Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism,

histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married,

have 4 kids, and moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this

summer. I moved out of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't

had to worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not

even being on the same continent would make it easier, but- no.

> >

> > The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our

boys, who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought

him his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love

Grandma B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar

mitzvah. Our eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended

when his younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday,

let alone his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all

and that the cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really

didn't matter to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar

Mitzvah boy a card that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so

many levels. She did a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the

card being pink and girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a

Freudian boo-boo.

> >

> > I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor

surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's

never about anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus

infection. If I had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I

understand, after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!)

than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will,

change her.

> >

> > But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what got

me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at me in

writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt, that I

told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share my joy

about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted this

period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's thousands

of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's affairs

or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that she can

" no longer be treated in this manner. "

> >

> > Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he is

angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And then

my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I had no

good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

> >

> > My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her first

husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to fill a

ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how damaged she

is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting to be angry

so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find myself crying a

lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap, with her. I

don't wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her attempts to treat

me like I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen to her tales of

woe.

> >

> > I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

> >

> > Happy Holidays to all,

> > Rach

> >

>

[Guest guest]

said it before, saying it again, we need a like button similar to Facebook. I

was nodding my head in agreement to all of it. I like going for walks and

listening to my Wayne Dyer cd about the Tao.

C

> > >

> > > Hi there....

> > >

> > > Like so many of you, I've been dealing with my mother's narcissism,

histrionics, and general bad behavior forever. I am just under 40, married,

have 4 kids, and moved out of the US (for non-mother related issues!!) this

summer. I moved out of my home state shortly after we got married, so I haven't

had to worry about my mother 'just showing up' for awhile. You'd think that not

even being on the same continent would make it easier, but- no.

> > >

> > > The straw that is breaking the camel's back came this week. One of our

boys, who is named for my dad, had his Bar Mitzvah last month. My mother bought

him his gift (an engraved silver cup that has his name on one side and 'Love

Grandma B.. " on the other, 2 years ago- shortly after our first son's bar

mitzvah. Our eldest son was really touched when he got *his* cup but so offended

when his younger brother got the same thing when it wasn't even his birthday,

let alone his bar mitzvah! He felt like maybe he wasn't so special after all

and that the cup had nothing to do with the ceremony or him and that he really

didn't matter to her. Fast forward to this week. She sent our current Bar

Mitzvah boy a card that was CLEARLY meant for a girl, which negated him on so

many levels. She did a fine job of emasculating my father so I think that the

card being pink and girly for the son named for my dad is more than just a

Freudian boo-boo.

> > >

> > > I can't share anything with my mother. Never told her when I had minor

surgery, couldn't talk to her about our move across the planet- because it's

never about anyone other than her. If my nose is stuffed, she has a sinus

infection. If I had a great day at work, she was crowned Miss America. I

understand, after more years of therapy (and I sit on both sides of the desk!)

than I can count, that she is mentally ill and that I can't, nor ever will,

change her.

> > >

> > > But the letter she included in our son's girlie Bar Mitzvah card is what

got me. She enclosed a sealed envelope with my name, and proceeded to yell at

me in writing. She detailed how 'disappointed " she was, how 'hurt' she felt,

that I told her about the actual Bar Mitzvah after it occurred (I couldn't share

my joy about it with her, she wasn't hopping a plane to get here, and I wanted

this period of time to be about our son- not her), that even though she's

thousands of miles away I can't 'deprive her' of participation in her grandson's

affairs or take away her " right and privilege " to be part of his life, and that

she can " no longer be treated in this manner. "

> > >

> > > Said child and I had a long talk about his grandma and I learned that he

is angry not only because of how she negated him, but how she treats me. And

then my wise son said, " Why do you still keep her in your life? " I told him I

had no good answer. And that little conversation has got me thinking- why do I?

> > >

> > > My mother was verbally and emotionally abused as a kid, beaten by her

first husband, abandoned by her father- I mean, there's enough history there to

fill a ton of books. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand how

damaged she is, that she did the best she could with what she had, not wanting

to be angry so I don't hurt myself more than I have been. And yet, I find

myself crying a lot and just wanting to be done with the drama, with the crap,

with her. I don't wish death, but I do wish to not have to deal with her

attempts to treat me like I'm here only to serve her emotional needs and listen

to her tales of woe.

> > >

> > > I would love to hear from other folks who've cut ties with their moms and

perhaps those that decided not to and why. Its nice to know, just from readoing

bits and pieces of the message boards, that you get it.

> > >

> > > Happy Holidays to all,

> > > Rach

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I should cut

ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and respect her

as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that name!). Anyway,

I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the only family

I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago, as well as

every single other person in my family and I'm basically forbidden to speak

to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO family in my

life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen, especially since

I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like crap half

the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes to work on

having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a relationship

with a BP can be...).

So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have plenty of

other family members to lean on that understand your position and can

support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's clearly toxic in

your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good (forgive me if

I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in your life

or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still speak to my

mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and look at the

big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have to take the

bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she interferes or

contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

Hope this helps!

[Guest guest]

What is the situation between you and the family that mom has banished? In many

cases, people are quite forgiving and getting to know them might be the best

thing you ever do for yourself. Unless they are all reeling with PD too.

>

> I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I should cut

> ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and respect her

> as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that name!). Anyway,

> I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the only family

> I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago, as well as

> every single other person in my family and I'm basically forbidden to speak

> to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO family in my

> life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen, especially since

> I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like crap half

> the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes to work on

> having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a relationship

> with a BP can be...).

>

> So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have plenty of

> other family members to lean on that understand your position and can

> support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's clearly toxic in

> your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good (forgive me if

> I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in your life

> or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still speak to my

> mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and look at the

> big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have to take the

> bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she interferes or

> contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

>

> Hope this helps!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lindsey,

You say you only have your mom because speaking to other family

members is forbidden. At 19 you're an adult who can choose to go

against mother's wishes where stuff like that is concerned. Is

there any reason that you can't contact other relatives and try

to start a real relationship with at least some of them? Unless

they also have peronality disorders there's a good chance that

you could develop some kind of additional family relationship.

It saddens me that you have a sister you don't speak to because

of your mother. You don't have to tell your mother what you're

doing. You are a person who is entitled to her own life and her

own choices. Your mother is not entitled to dictate who you are

allowed to talk to now that you're no longer a child. I don't

think you ought to put up with that type of thing just because

she's " all the family you have " . It sounds like she's the one

who has put you in the position of not having other family.

Isolating their victims is something that abusers of various

types often try to do.

At 03:30 AM 12/27/2011 wrote:

>I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or

>not I should cut

>ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and

>respect her

>as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that

>name!). Anyway,

>I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the

>only family

>I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago,

>as well as

>every single other person in my family and I'm basically

>forbidden to speak

>to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO

>family in my

>life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen,

>especially since

>I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like

>crap half

>the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it

>takes to work on

>having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

>relationship

>with a BP can be...).

>

>So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have

>plenty of

>other family members to lean on that understand your position

>and can

>support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's

>clearly toxic in

>your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good

>(forgive me if

>I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that

>in your life

>or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still

>speak to my

>mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and

>look at the

>big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have

>to take the

>bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she

>interferes or

>contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

>

>Hope this helps!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree family is great! you should seek out the family and if you have been

told bad things about them question it. my mom tells lots of stories too. she

still insists one brother-in-law treats me horribly because he was irritated by

me at age 4. he is great. she can't let go. he has helped my sister move on with

her life I think that is my mom's real issue.that sister maintains a

relationship with her it is just detached. don't take her word for it, she just

wants you to validate her by behaving like her. you need real support it is

worth finding out if the rest of the family is worthwhile. chances are some are.

she is not all you have, but you may be all she has, and you are right to

consider that too, but not at your own expense. I agree with the last post you

can rekindle the relationships without announcing it to her. if she feels

" betrayed " let the chips fall where they may. just be kind, and when she

reproaches you anyway you can feel sure that it is her problem not yours. this

is why I love this message board it is so easy to see BPD in other peoples

stories, when my own are such a muddle.

you are 19? good job it took me much longer to figure this out. I agree that

your mother needs you, but there are ways of becoming strong enough to be

yourself, without being controlled by her. you need to stop allowing yourself to

be isolated that is when I started to heal myself. healing can be rather

miserable... but it is better than loosing yourself.

Meikjn

> >I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or

> >not I should cut

> >ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and

> >respect her

> >as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that

> >name!). Anyway,

> >I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the

> >only family

> >I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago,

> >as well as

> >every single other person in my family and I'm basically

> >forbidden to speak

> >to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO

> >family in my

> >life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen,

> >especially since

> >I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like

> >crap half

> >the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it

> >takes to work on

> >having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

> >relationship

> >with a BP can be...).

> >

> >So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have

> >plenty of

> >other family members to lean on that understand your position

> >and can

> >support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's

> >clearly toxic in

> >your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good

> >(forgive me if

> >I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that

> >in your life

> >or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still

> >speak to my

> >mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and

> >look at the

> >big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have

> >to take the

> >bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she

> >interferes or

> >contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

> >

> >Hope this helps!

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi, I have posted here only a few times in the past months but never in

depth as I have been too ill with panic and exhaustion.

My name is Twyla, and I was introduced to this forum in the Fall by a Sister

member from another help group. Because of the timing in my life, her

insight and now this Loop, and lots of on-going therapy, I have finally

figured out what my mother (and father and brother are) and what the hell

happened to me years ago to help shape my own behavior and my life and the

pain that accompanied it.

For years, I am 56, I have tried to save my Nada. My FOO was very

physically & emotionally abusive. My Fada was a control maniac and mother

fell in line. Fada died 12 years ago and I maintained a ridiculous amount

of a supportive relationship to Nada. From about 5 yrs. old, I was rescuing

and supporting Nada emotionally as she was the only one in Foo that seemed

to show a bit of caring. In-between the violence, the conformity and

dictates, mother was always crying. She was badly treated by Fada and his

side of the family. Perhaps she was not quite BPD then…but she had the

makings of one. Her own mother died when she was about 12 and Nada was left

to fend for herself mostly with 2 older brothers and a philandering father.

To bring this to the present, the reason I could not post more is I was on

the edge emotionally in a very dangerous place. In the Fall of this year,

many incidents colidided with one another in a timely fashion in which I now

believe were the necessary keys to my healing, but in August to November, I

was not quite sure I would make it through.

Since March of this year, my mother-in-law passed, son’s ex- (but not)

girlfriend of 23 yrs. was killed instantly in car accident, and my Nada’s

brother (my Uncle) died. I also realize that this year, my mother (IN

CONCEPT) died. I was also fired from a job I loved due to hostile political

take-over of a group in upper management and had to find work I had not done

professionally for 5 years. My previous job was specialized and I had to go

backwards.

At the time my Uncle was dying, I found out that (pre-deceased Aunt) & Uncle

made my cousin & myself all the Powers for Uncle’s Will, so a lot went on

with helping my Uncle die. In Aug., when he died, we then found out that we

were also named the primary beneficiaries….and my Nada was only a minor.

The above enflamed what was already typical Nada behavior that I was JUST

BECOMING AWARE OF. I had to ask myself so often WHY was I just getting this

now, after all these years? Nada went nuts on me about the Will…saying IT

was all a mistake (that I was only a niece and she THE sister). Nada and

her brother were not on speaking terms for some years as I have found out

recently from cousin’s side. Nada was after his money long ago. The blame I

have received for being remembered in this Will is insane. Nada tells me I

SHOULD being doing what she would. She is 86. SHE would divide it into 3

shares….2 for my brothers. I need to mention, my one brother portrays

sociopathic behaviors and did his fair share of beating me as a child along

with pulling knives on me etc. all to which my parents covered up to save

their good name. my oldest brother abandoned most all involvement with our

family years ago and neither brother has ever contacted my 2 sons or ever

had a relationship with them. NEITHER of my two brothers OR 4 of my cousin’s

siblings were mentioned in the Will. Neither of my brothers have children.

Just me…2 great kids and wonderful husband.

So as of late, my brother, the alcoholic, sociopathic one, (he is 60) who

comes to take and use Nada every month at her apartment, emailed me to tell

me he is done with me for this life-time and that I can sue him for abuse if

I want to. This is all due to Nada babbling my anger towards HER DIRECTION

of what to do with my uncle’s willed gift. Nada has told me the Will

shouldn’t have been written this way (it was done by both Uncle & Aunt in

1996 when they were both of sound mind). She has told me how rotten and

selfish I am. (behind his back my mom and dad spoke very mean words about

Aunt & Uncle because they had more money than we did and it made my parents

crazy).

I emotionally and to some degree, financially, supported my mother for years

due to her poor marriage and what later became her abusive son. I live 800

miles away (thank you God!) and have been her phone pal for years…over 30.

Every time Nada cried, I was there, protecting her, getting her legal help,

Dr. help., she was number one on my list. I loved her sooooooo much as I

felt she was so helpless AND IT WAS MY JOB TO SAVE HER!!

But nothing was ever returned. I was so brain-washed from NEEDING to have

one parent I could call FAMILY that I never really SAW what was happening.

Plus, living almost 24 x 7 with panic and depression didn’t help my mind for

clarity. I never had any good role models…how was I to know different?

I was never good enough, my then boy-friend to become husband, was chastised

because he is Polish…WE ARE UNKRANIAN!!. My mother insisted on creating MY

wedding at what church and what faith!. I wanted United, she insisted

Catholic. My father guilted me about her nervous-breakdown that would

happen if I didn’t stop acting so selfishly. I never gave in and she hates

me because I was always strong yet naïve about my FOO. We would take my

young kids (then) home at least 2x per year only to be asked shortly after

we got there when we would be leaving. We were always treated as an

inconvenience. My mother has not been to visit for 11 years to our home.

She says it is because the grandkids are too old now and they do not need a

gramma at their age!!! She also says,” You all work, what would I do all day

by myself???”. WTF is that??? The list goes on and on.

In the recent years and even starting at the beginning of the Rescission,

when for one of the few times I needed help from her (I was laid off from my

work in 2008) I was then also devastated as I am the main bread-winner here.

She showed little concern. As I had been Agoraphobic most my life and up to

4 years back was very ill with this, I had not seen the REAL NADA…I was too

busy trying to stay alive for years….but my new therapist was helping me in

ways I had never had help before. I started to wake-up from the illusion to

see mom was not there for me….but I WAS EXPECTED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER.

As time went on. this year…I asked her to talk about our past, to clear the

air and help us heal. When I went into details of the abuse that went on at

home, she DENIED ALL OF IT! Said it never happened and she would ask my

brothers if what I said was true. When my husband’s mother passed, my Nada

had a short bus trip planned, and matter- of- factly told me she could not

cancel the ticket! It was a senior outing, my mother-in-law had known her

well for almost 35 years and Nada couldn’t go to her funeral? I gave her

such a hard time…she went…then was mad at me for mentioning how I pushed her

there. She told me “Well I went, didn’t I?” OMG, too many crazies.

The story is long and too much to read in one session.

I want to add, my Agoraphobia began with the severe beatings I was witness

to at about 3 yrs. old and then later to myself by brother. It was an escape

mechanism although a harsh one, it made me withdraw from the world around me

to a great degree.

I have dealt much with all the above, I am on a good road now and have Low

contact with my mom which is very different from the EVERYDAY to every few

day contact I gave for yeeeeeeeears. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum

in November….I meant all of it….she either decided she wanted to stay in

touch or I was gone. I did not and do not care much now. I do not think she

can or knows how to change or even that she has caused so much grief. No

more telling me I am the bad one, the selfish one, the fighter, the one who

tells her such mean things (ya, like the truth). I will keep the thin

thread but it will snap if it needs to. I still feel she has something good

way deep inside, not that I will get it, but so far, I believe she is not

totally diseased. I may change that view also. Time will tell. I believe

my Fada helped push her to this severity due to her own insecurities. He

was the ring leader.

It is a good deal I am so stubborn; I wouldn’t have survived if I were not.

Nada is not done with me yet regarding this Will issue…..but I have staved

her off telling her how ill I was from all the incidents I lived through

(which is true as I am under Dr. care). The first night I started having

serious heart pains, my DH called her to tell her as I was so sick and I

wanted her to KNOW…..but did not want to speak to her. It ended up after

several back and forth calls with her telling my husband to go to

hell…..because DH told me he didn’t think she had much concern for my

condition. When I confronted her, she twisted it again saying DH should not

have bothered ME that night with calling her if I was in bad condition.

Nothing was mentioned ABOUT my condition…just that I had a big mouth and was

so mean to her again.

I am sorry this is so long. There is so much to say but also so much that

is typical to these BPD people.

Any comments or contributions would be welcome.

Thanks for reading.

Twyla

[Guest guest]

first of all no apologies my posts are frequent and long. I think we all need to

know we are not alone. it sounds like you have been kind, and good to her, and

you should believe it. she does not like your human traits, she thinks you

should not have them.

your Uncle probably left you his money becaseu he saw you as deserving and

responsible you should respect him and keep it for yourself. it is obvious that

that is your plan, if your Nada thinks she deserves it she is not likley to

change her mind. that is so sad.

you married a Pole? really? talk about a crappy excuse. but a pretty convenient

one for her. I am not sure what Nada says about my husband, but I have heard

what she calls all my brother-in laws...

I have had some medical issues my whole life that Nada has always and always

will attribute to " wanting attention " , " defiance " etc... I never got proper

treatment until I was responsible for myself. even now there is a small part of

me that clings to the belief that I somehow deserve the symptoms because I was

told that so much.

I am now empowered with the realization that I can be mad at her for not helping

me, but I can get all the help I need now because I don't need her anymore.

My issues while physical are aggravated by stress, and even caused and

perpetuated by it. when I first sought help the specialist told me that and I

dismissed it. oh how enmeshed I was.

It is almost embarrassing to realize how long it took to realize how blind and

tolerant I have been of so much crap in my life.

good luck with your medical issues, I too have just begun with all of that.

>

> Hi, I have posted here only a few times in the past months but never in

> depth as I have been too ill with panic and exhaustion.

>

>

>

> My name is Twyla, and I was introduced to this forum in the Fall by a Sister

> member from another help group. Because of the timing in my life, her

> insight and now this Loop, and lots of on-going therapy, I have finally

> figured out what my mother (and father and brother are) and what the hell

> happened to me years ago to help shape my own behavior and my life and the

> pain that accompanied it.

>

>

>

> For years, I am 56, I have tried to save my Nada. My FOO was very

> physically & emotionally abusive. My Fada was a control maniac and mother

> fell in line. Fada died 12 years ago and I maintained a ridiculous amount

> of a supportive relationship to Nada. From about 5 yrs. old, I was rescuing

> and supporting Nada emotionally as she was the only one in Foo that seemed

> to show a bit of caring. In-between the violence, the conformity and

> dictates, mother was always crying. She was badly treated by Fada and his

> side of the family. Perhaps she was not quite BPD then…but she had the

> makings of one. Her own mother died when she was about 12 and Nada was left

> to fend for herself mostly with 2 older brothers and a philandering father.

>

>

>

> To bring this to the present, the reason I could not post more is I was on

> the edge emotionally in a very dangerous place. In the Fall of this year,

> many incidents colidided with one another in a timely fashion in which I now

> believe were the necessary keys to my healing, but in August to November, I

> was not quite sure I would make it through.

>

>

>

> Since March of this year, my mother-in-law passed, son's ex- (but not)

> girlfriend of 23 yrs. was killed instantly in car accident, and my Nada's

> brother (my Uncle) died. I also realize that this year, my mother (IN

> CONCEPT) died. I was also fired from a job I loved due to hostile political

> take-over of a group in upper management and had to find work I had not done

> professionally for 5 years. My previous job was specialized and I had to go

> backwards.

>

>

>

> At the time my Uncle was dying, I found out that (pre-deceased Aunt) & Uncle

> made my cousin & myself all the Powers for Uncle's Will, so a lot went on

> with helping my Uncle die. In Aug., when he died, we then found out that we

> were also named the primary beneficiaries….and my Nada was only a minor.

>

>

>

> The above enflamed what was already typical Nada behavior that I was JUST

> BECOMING AWARE OF. I had to ask myself so often WHY was I just getting this

> now, after all these years? Nada went nuts on me about the Will…saying IT

> was all a mistake (that I was only a niece and she THE sister). Nada and

> her brother were not on speaking terms for some years as I have found out

> recently from cousin's side. Nada was after his money long ago. The blame I

> have received for being remembered in this Will is insane. Nada tells me I

> SHOULD being doing what she would. She is 86. SHE would divide it into 3

> shares….2 for my brothers. I need to mention, my one brother portrays

> sociopathic behaviors and did his fair share of beating me as a child along

> with pulling knives on me etc. all to which my parents covered up to save

> their good name. my oldest brother abandoned most all involvement with our

> family years ago and neither brother has ever contacted my 2 sons or ever

> had a relationship with them. NEITHER of my two brothers OR 4 of my cousin's

> siblings were mentioned in the Will. Neither of my brothers have children.

> Just me…2 great kids and wonderful husband.

>

>

>

> So as of late, my brother, the alcoholic, sociopathic one, (he is 60) who

> comes to take and use Nada every month at her apartment, emailed me to tell

> me he is done with me for this life-time and that I can sue him for abuse if

> I want to. This is all due to Nada babbling my anger towards HER DIRECTION

> of what to do with my uncle's willed gift. Nada has told me the Will

> shouldn't have been written this way (it was done by both Uncle & Aunt in

> 1996 when they were both of sound mind). She has told me how rotten and

> selfish I am. (behind his back my mom and dad spoke very mean words about

> Aunt & Uncle because they had more money than we did and it made my parents

> crazy).

>

>

>

> I emotionally and to some degree, financially, supported my mother for years

> due to her poor marriage and what later became her abusive son. I live 800

> miles away (thank you God!) and have been her phone pal for years…over 30.

> Every time Nada cried, I was there, protecting her, getting her legal help,

> Dr. help., she was number one on my list. I loved her sooooooo much as I

> felt she was so helpless AND IT WAS MY JOB TO SAVE HER!!

>

>

>

> But nothing was ever returned. I was so brain-washed from NEEDING to have

> one parent I could call FAMILY that I never really SAW what was happening.

> Plus, living almost 24 x 7 with panic and depression didn't help my mind for

> clarity. I never had any good role models…how was I to know different?

>

>

>

> I was never good enough, my then boy-friend to become husband, was chastised

> because he is Polish…WE ARE UNKRANIAN!!. My mother insisted on creating MY

> wedding at what church and what faith!. I wanted United, she insisted

> Catholic. My father guilted me about her nervous-breakdown that would

> happen if I didn't stop acting so selfishly. I never gave in and she hates

> me because I was always strong yet naïve about my FOO. We would take my

> young kids (then) home at least 2x per year only to be asked shortly after

> we got there when we would be leaving. We were always treated as an

> inconvenience. My mother has not been to visit for 11 years to our home.

> She says it is because the grandkids are too old now and they do not need a

> gramma at their age!!! She also says, " You all work, what would I do all day

> by myself??? " . WTF is that??? The list goes on and on.

>

>

>

> In the recent years and even starting at the beginning of the Rescission,

> when for one of the few times I needed help from her (I was laid off from my

> work in 2008) I was then also devastated as I am the main bread-winner here.

> She showed little concern. As I had been Agoraphobic most my life and up to

> 4 years back was very ill with this, I had not seen the REAL NADA…I was too

> busy trying to stay alive for years….but my new therapist was helping me in

> ways I had never had help before. I started to wake-up from the illusion to

> see mom was not there for me….but I WAS EXPECTED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HER.

> As time went on. this year…I asked her to talk about our past, to clear the

> air and help us heal. When I went into details of the abuse that went on at

> home, she DENIED ALL OF IT! Said it never happened and she would ask my

> brothers if what I said was true. When my husband's mother passed, my Nada

> had a short bus trip planned, and matter- of- factly told me she could not

> cancel the ticket! It was a senior outing, my mother-in-law had known her

> well for almost 35 years and Nada couldn't go to her funeral? I gave her

> such a hard time…she went…then was mad at me for mentioning how I pushed her

> there. She told me " Well I went, didn't I? " OMG, too many crazies.

>

>

>

> The story is long and too much to read in one session.

>

>

>

> I want to add, my Agoraphobia began with the severe beatings I was witness

> to at about 3 yrs. old and then later to myself by brother. It was an escape

> mechanism although a harsh one, it made me withdraw from the world around me

> to a great degree.

>

>

>

> I have dealt much with all the above, I am on a good road now and have Low

> contact with my mom which is very different from the EVERYDAY to every few

> day contact I gave for yeeeeeeeears. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum

> in November….I meant all of it….she either decided she wanted to stay in

> touch or I was gone. I did not and do not care much now. I do not think she

> can or knows how to change or even that she has caused so much grief. No

> more telling me I am the bad one, the selfish one, the fighter, the one who

> tells her such mean things (ya, like the truth). I will keep the thin

> thread but it will snap if it needs to. I still feel she has something good

> way deep inside, not that I will get it, but so far, I believe she is not

> totally diseased. I may change that view also. Time will tell. I believe

> my Fada helped push her to this severity due to her own insecurities. He

> was the ring leader.

>

>

>

> It is a good deal I am so stubborn; I wouldn't have survived if I were not.

>

>

>

> Nada is not done with me yet regarding this Will issue…..but I have staved

> her off telling her how ill I was from all the incidents I lived through

> (which is true as I am under Dr. care). The first night I started having

> serious heart pains, my DH called her to tell her as I was so sick and I

> wanted her to KNOW…..but did not want to speak to her. It ended up after

> several back and forth calls with her telling my husband to go to

> hell…..because DH told me he didn't think she had much concern for my

> condition. When I confronted her, she twisted it again saying DH should not

> have bothered ME that night with calling her if I was in bad condition.

> Nothing was mentioned ABOUT my condition…just that I had a big mouth and was

> so mean to her again.

>

>

>

> I am sorry this is so long. There is so much to say but also so much that

> is typical to these BPD people.

>

>

>

> Any comments or contributions would be welcome.

>

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

>

>

> Twyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Meikjn,

Any idea why it takes us so long to figure this out? I notice many are over

30-40 yrs.+ and are finally getting the understanding…..

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Meikjn

Sent: Tuesday, December 27, 2011 12:32 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: New to the group, not to the behaviors..

first of all no apologies my posts are frequent and long. I think we all

need to know we are not alone. it sounds like you have been kind, and good

to her, and you should believe it. she does not like your human traits, she

thinks you should not have them.

your Uncle probably left you his money becaseu he saw you as deserving and

responsible you should respect him and keep it for yourself. it is obvious

that that is your plan, if your Nada thinks she deserves it she is not

likley to change her mind. that is so sad.

you married a Pole? really? talk about a crappy excuse. but a pretty

convenient one for her. I am not sure what Nada says about my husband, but I

have heard what she calls all my brother-in laws...

I have had some medical issues my whole life that Nada has always and always

will attribute to " wanting attention " , " defiance " etc... I never got proper

treatment until I was responsible for myself. even now there is a small part

of me that clings to the belief that I somehow deserve the symptoms because

I was told that so much.

I am now empowered with the realization that I can be mad at her for not

helping me, but I can get all the help I need now because I don't need her

anymore.

My issues while physical are aggravated by stress, and even caused and

perpetuated by it. when I first sought help the specialist told me that and

I dismissed it. oh how enmeshed I was.

It is almost embarrassing to realize how long it took to realize how blind

and tolerant I have been of so much crap in my life.

good luck with your medical issues, I too have just begun with all of that.

>

> Hi, I have posted here only a few times in the past months but never in

> depth as I have been too ill with panic and exhaustion.

>

>

>

> My name is Twyla, and I was introduced to this forum in the Fall by a

Sister

> member from another help group. Because of the timing in my life, her

> insight and now this Loop, and lots of on-going therapy, I have finally

> figured out what my mother (and father and brother are) and what the hell

> happened to me years ago to help shape my own behavior and my life and the

> pain that accompanied it.

>

>

>

> For years, I am 56, I have tried to save my Nada. My FOO was very

> physically & emotionally abusive. My Fada was a control maniac and mother

> fell in line. Fada died 12 years ago and I maintained a ridiculous amount

> of a supportive relationship to Nada. From about 5 yrs. old, I was

rescuing

> and supporting Nada emotionally as she was the only one in Foo that seemed

> to show a bit of caring. In-between the violence, the conformity and

> dictates, mother was always crying. She was badly treated by Fada and his

> side of the family. Perhaps she was not quite BPD then…but she had the

> makings of one. Her own mother died when she was about 12 and Nada was

left

> to fend for herself mostly with 2 older brothers and a philandering

father.

>

>

>

> To bring this to the present, the reason I could not post more is I was on

> the edge emotionally in a very dangerous place. In the Fall of this year,

> many incidents colidided with one another in a timely fashion in which I

now

> believe were the necessary keys to my healing, but in August to November,

I

> was not quite sure I would make it through.

>

>

>

> Since March of this year, my mother-in-law passed, son's ex- (but not)

> girlfriend of 23 yrs. was killed instantly in car accident, and my Nada's

> brother (my Uncle) died. I also realize that this year, my mother (IN

> CONCEPT) died. I was also fired from a job I loved due to hostile

political

> take-over of a group in upper management and had to find work I had not

done

> professionally for 5 years. My previous job was specialized and I had to

go

> backwards.

>

>

>

> At the time my Uncle was dying, I found out that (pre-deceased Aunt) &

Uncle

> made my cousin & myself all the Powers for Uncle's Will, so a lot went on

> with helping my Uncle die. In Aug., when he died, we then found out that

we

> were also named the primary beneficiaries….and my Nada was only a minor.

>

>

>

> The above enflamed what was already typical Nada behavior that I was JUST

> BECOMING AWARE OF. I had to ask myself so often WHY was I just getting

this

> now, after all these years? Nada went nuts on me about the Will…saying IT

> was all a mistake (that I was only a niece and she THE sister). Nada and

> her brother were not on speaking terms for some years as I have found out

> recently from cousin's side. Nada was after his money long ago. The blame

I

> have received for being remembered in this Will is insane. Nada tells me I

> SHOULD being doing what she would. She is 86. SHE would divide it into 3

> shares….2 for my brothers. I need to mention, my one brother portrays

> sociopathic behaviors and did his fair share of beating me as a child

along

> with pulling knives on me etc. all to which my parents covered up to save

> their good name. my oldest brother abandoned most all involvement with our

> family years ago and neither brother has ever contacted my 2 sons or ever

> had a relationship with them. NEITHER of my two brothers OR 4 of my

cousin's

> siblings were mentioned in the Will. Neither of my brothers have children.

> Just me…2 great kids and wonderful husband.

>

>

>

> So as of late, my brother, the alcoholic, sociopathic one, (he is 60) who

> comes to take and use Nada every month at her apartment, emailed me to

tell

> me he is done with me for this life-time and that I can sue him for abuse

if

> I want to. This is all due to Nada babbling my anger towards HER DIRECTION

> of what to do with my uncle's willed gift. Nada has told me the Will

> shouldn't have been written this way (it was done by both Uncle & Aunt in

> 1996 when they were both of sound mind). She has told me how rotten and

> selfish I am. (behind his back my mom and dad spoke very mean words about

> Aunt & Uncle because they had more money than we did and it made my

parents

> crazy).

>

>

>

> I emotionally and to some degree, financially, supported my mother for

years

> due to her poor marriage and what later became her abusive son. I live 800

> miles away (thank you God!) and have been her phone pal for years…over 30.

> Every time Nada cried, I was there, protecting her, getting her legal

help,

> Dr. help., she was number one on my list. I loved her sooooooo much as I

> felt she was so helpless AND IT WAS MY JOB TO SAVE HER!!

>

>

>

> But nothing was ever returned. I was so brain-washed from NEEDING to have

> one parent I could call FAMILY that I never really SAW what was happening.

> Plus, living almost 24 x 7 with panic and depression didn't help my mind

for

> clarity. I never had any good role models…how was I to know different?

>

>

>

> I was never good enough, my then boy-friend to become husband, was

chastised

> because he is Polish…WE ARE UNKRANIAN!!. My mother insisted on creating MY

> wedding at what church and what faith!. I wanted United, she insisted

> Catholic. My father guilted me about her nervous-breakdown that would

> happen if I didn't stop acting so selfishly. I never gave in and she hates

> me because I was always strong yet naïve about my FOO. We would take my

> young kids (then) home at least 2x per year only to be asked shortly after

> we got there when we would be leaving. We were always treated as an

> inconvenience. My mother has not been to visit for 11 years to our home.

> She says it is because the grandkids are too old now and they do not need

a

> gramma at their age!!! She also says, " You all work, what would I do all

day

> by myself??? " . WTF is that??? The list goes on and on.

>

>

>

> In the recent years and even starting at the beginning of the Rescission,

> when for one of the few times I needed help from her (I was laid off from

my

> work in 2008) I was then also devastated as I am the main bread-winner

here.

> She showed little concern. As I had been Agoraphobic most my life and up

to

> 4 years back was very ill with this, I had not seen the REAL NADA…I was

too

> busy trying to stay alive for years….but my new therapist was helping me

in

> ways I had never had help before. I started to wake-up from the illusion

to

> see mom was not there for me….but I WAS EXPECTED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR

HER.

> As time went on. this year…I asked her to talk about our past, to clear

the

> air and help us heal. When I went into details of the abuse that went on

at

> home, she DENIED ALL OF IT! Said it never happened and she would ask my

> brothers if what I said was true. When my husband's mother passed, my Nada

> had a short bus trip planned, and matter- of- factly told me she could not

> cancel the ticket! It was a senior outing, my mother-in-law had known her

> well for almost 35 years and Nada couldn't go to her funeral? I gave her

> such a hard time…she went…then was mad at me for mentioning how I pushed

her

> there. She told me " Well I went, didn't I? " OMG, too many crazies.

>

>

>

> The story is long and too much to read in one session.

>

>

>

> I want to add, my Agoraphobia began with the severe beatings I was witness

> to at about 3 yrs. old and then later to myself by brother. It was an

escape

> mechanism although a harsh one, it made me withdraw from the world around

me

> to a great degree.

>

>

>

> I have dealt much with all the above, I am on a good road now and have Low

> contact with my mom which is very different from the EVERYDAY to every few

> day contact I gave for yeeeeeeeears. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum

> in November….I meant all of it….she either decided she wanted to stay in

> touch or I was gone. I did not and do not care much now. I do not think

she

> can or knows how to change or even that she has caused so much grief. No

> more telling me I am the bad one, the selfish one, the fighter, the one

who

> tells her such mean things (ya, like the truth). I will keep the thin

> thread but it will snap if it needs to. I still feel she has something

good

> way deep inside, not that I will get it, but so far, I believe she is not

> totally diseased. I may change that view also. Time will tell. I believe

> my Fada helped push her to this severity due to her own insecurities. He

> was the ring leader.

>

>

>

> It is a good deal I am so stubborn; I wouldn't have survived if I were

not.

>

>

>

> Nada is not done with me yet regarding this Will issue…..but I have staved

> her off telling her how ill I was from all the incidents I lived through

> (which is true as I am under Dr. care). The first night I started having

> serious heart pains, my DH called her to tell her as I was so sick and I

> wanted her to KNOW…..but did not want to speak to her. It ended up after

> several back and forth calls with her telling my husband to go to

> hell…..because DH told me he didn't think she had much concern for my

> condition. When I confronted her, she twisted it again saying DH should

not

> have bothered ME that night with calling her if I was in bad condition.

> Nothing was mentioned ABOUT my condition…just that I had a big mouth and

was

> so mean to her again.

>

>

>

> I am sorry this is so long. There is so much to say but also so much that

> is typical to these BPD people.

>

>

>

> Any comments or contributions would be welcome.

>

>

>

> Thanks for reading.

>

>

>

> Twyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree; if you are a self-supporting, autonomous adult, you get to make adult

decisions and choices for yourself. As an adult you have both the power and the

right to decide if you want to try contacting your sister and other family

members if you want to.

Those with bpd tend to paint other people as " all good " or " all bad " , and

possibly you are afraid that if you defy your bpd mom's edicts about who you are

allowed or not allowed to have a relationship with, she will paint you " all bad "

and go No Contact with you.

That is of course a possibility.

But part of being an adult is taking risks after weighing the pros and cons of a

decision.

As other members here have pointed out, if you are an adult, then whom you

choose to see, have contact with and develop a relationship with is none of your

bpd mom's business, frankly. You are not obliged to give your bpd mom a daily

report of your activities and whereabouts any longer, because you are not 10

years old any longer.

And you are not your mother's nanny, either.

Please dump any misplaced, inappropriate guilt your bpd mom saddled you with

regarding who you can or can't have in your life, if you and your estranged

family members want to meet and become friends, then, my advice is to go for it.

-Annie

> >I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or

> >not I should cut

> >ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and

> >respect her

> >as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that

> >name!). Anyway,

> >I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the

> >only family

> >I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago,

> >as well as

> >every single other person in my family and I'm basically

> >forbidden to speak

> >to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO

> >family in my

> >life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen,

> >especially since

> >I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like

> >crap half

> >the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it

> >takes to work on

> >having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

> >relationship

> >with a BP can be...).

> >

> >So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have

> >plenty of

> >other family members to lean on that understand your position

> >and can

> >support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's

> >clearly toxic in

> >your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good

> >(forgive me if

> >I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that

> >in your life

> >or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still

> >speak to my

> >mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and

> >look at the

> >big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have

> >to take the

> >bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she

> >interferes or

> >contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

> >

> >Hope this helps!

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Some of you are telling me I shouldn't avoid my other relatives just

because my mom says so and that I am free to make my own decisions now that

I'm an adult, and I realize that, but I guess I didn't include enough

detail about that in my post. My other family members have never had

anything to do with me since I was little. They never showed any interest

in my life regardless of their relationships with my mom at the time. My

dad's side of the family NEVER liked or even spoke to my mom, her side of

the family, or me and my sister, and my mom's side of the family has been

dysfunctional since day 1. (Lots of BPD and other personality disorders on

that side) So it's not JUST my mom alienating herself and me from the rest

of the family. They all do that to each other and have for my entire life.

Believe me, I've tried having a relationship with several of them and it

never lasts more than a couple months. Things will be looking up and be

great for a few weeks and all of a sudden I'll stop hearing from them and

before I know it, 3 years go by and I haven't heard a word from them. This

seems to be a recurring cycle in my family.

As far as my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for 8 years

because she went NC with my mom as soon as she turned 18 but the way she

did it was what hurt me and severed our relationship. Our dad died in May

of that year and just 2 months later in July my sister took off with her

boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying a word to me or my mom.

I never heard from her again, even after repeated attempts to contact her

through friends and other family members. She got married without us, had

my niece without us, ignored all my birthdays and other holidays for 8

YEARS. As soon as I turned 18 and went away to college, she tried

contacting me. I was reluctant at first because I was so angry with her for

what she did, especially right after our father's death, but after a few

months I decided to see her and try to build a relationship with her

again. Since she missed out on nearly half my life, it feels like building

a relationship with a sister I never knew existed and it's been really

hard. It's been very rocky too because she refuses to talk to me about our

mom (so there's no support there) and if I try to talk about her or even

just vent about our mom, she yells at me and says if I'm going to choose to

still have a relationship with mom then I need to deal with the

consequences, that she's only going to continue making my life worse until

I cut her out completely, etc etc. It's very cruel and hurtful and it's not

at all what I need to hear. I'm trying to deal with my relationship with

our mom differently than she did and she doesn't understand or support it.

She also will stop speaking to me if for example, I spend Christmas break

with our mom instead of with her. I haven't heard from her in a month

because I'm home for break instead of spending it with her. I tried calling

her on Christmas and got ignored. Needless to say, trying to have a

relationship with my sister after 8 years has not been easy.

That's basically the sum of what's gone on with my family, for those of you

that were asking and commenting about it. I should have been a little more

clear in my last post but those are some of the reasons I don't speak to

them. It's not just because of my mom, though she has played a big part.

I've often wondered if she was the reason no one spoke to my part of the

family. If she was the reason my family didn't love me. But I can't help

but think maybe it's just me. Maybe for some reason they didn't want

anything to do with ME, even since the time I was born. I don't really know

why, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept the fact that I have NO

solid family to love and support me and that I need to just do life on my

own. Heck, I've made it this far on my own, right?

> **

>

>

> What is the situation between you and the family that mom has banished? In

> many cases, people are quite forgiving and getting to know them might be

> the best thing you ever do for yourself. Unless they are all reeling with

> PD too.

>

>

> >

> > I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I should

> cut

> > ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and respect her

> > as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that name!).

> Anyway,

> > I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the only

> family

> > I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago, as well

> as

> > every single other person in my family and I'm basically forbidden to

> speak

> > to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO family in

> my

> > life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen, especially since

> > I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like crap half

> > the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes to work

> on

> > having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

> relationship

> > with a BP can be...).

> >

> > So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have plenty of

> > other family members to lean on that understand your position and can

> > support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's clearly toxic in

> > your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good (forgive me

> if

> > I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in your

> life

> > or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still speak to my

> > mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and look at the

> > big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have to take

> the

> > bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she interferes or

> > contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

> >

> > Hope this helps!

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I really feel for you. The only member of my family i speak to

regular is my dad. My 2 sisters hardly speak to me. One lives

far away and never contacts me. The other speaks to me because

of the kids but that's it. It's hard. But I know it's for the

best. It's not you, it's just how they are.

Steph

Re: Re: New to the group, not to the

behaviors..

Some of you are telling me I shouldn't avoid my other relatives

just

because my mom says so and that I am free to make my own

decisions now that

I'm an adult, and I realize that, but I guess I didn't include

enough

detail about that in my post. My other family members have never

had

anything to do with me since I was little. They never showed any

interest

in my life regardless of their relationships with my mom at the

time. My

dad's side of the family NEVER liked or even spoke to my mom, her

side of

the family, or me and my sister, and my mom's side of the family

has been

dysfunctional since day 1. (Lots of BPD and other personality

disorders on

that side) So it's not JUST my mom alienating herself and me from

the rest

of the family. They all do that to each other and have for my

entire life.

Believe me, I've tried having a relationship with several of them

and it

never lasts more than a couple months. Things will be looking up

and be

great for a few weeks and all of a sudden I'll stop hearing from

them and

before I know it, 3 years go by and I haven't heard a word from

them. This

seems to be a recurring cycle in my family.

As far as my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for 8

years

because she went NC with my mom as soon as she turned 18 but the

way she

did it was what hurt me and severed our relationship. Our dad

died in May

of that year and just 2 months later in July my sister took off

with her

boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying a word to me

or my mom.

I never heard from her again, even after repeated attempts to

contact her

through friends and other family members. She got married

without us, had

my niece without us, ignored all my birthdays and other holidays

for 8

YEARS. As soon as I turned 18 and went away to college, she

tried

contacting me. I was reluctant at first because I was so angry

with her for

what she did, especially right after our father's death, but

after a few

months I decided to see her and try to build a relationship with

her

again. Since she missed out on nearly half my life, it feels

like building

a relationship with a sister I never knew existed and it's been

really

hard. It's been very rocky too because she refuses to talk to me

about our

mom (so there's no support there) and if I try to talk about her

or even

just vent about our mom, she yells at me and says if I'm going to

choose to

still have a relationship with mom then I need to deal with the

consequences, that she's only going to continue making my life

worse until

I cut her out completely, etc etc. It's very cruel and hurtful

and it's not

at all what I need to hear. I'm trying to deal with my

relationship with

our mom differently than she did and she doesn't understand or

support it.

She also will stop speaking to me if for example, I spend

Christmas break

with our mom instead of with her. I haven't heard from her in a

month

because I'm home for break instead of spending it with her. I

tried calling

her on Christmas and got ignored. Needless to say, trying to

have a

relationship with my sister after 8 years has not been easy.

That's basically the sum of what's gone on with my family, for

those of you

that were asking and commenting about it. I should have been a

little more

clear in my last post but those are some of the reasons I don't

speak to

them. It's not just because of my mom, though she has played a

big part.

I've often wondered if she was the reason no one spoke to my part

of the

family. If she was the reason my family didn't love me. But I

can't help

but think maybe it's just me. Maybe for some reason they didn't

want

anything to do with ME, even since the time I was born. I don't

really know

why, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept the fact

that I have NO

solid family to love and support me and that I need to just do

life on my

own. Heck, I've made it this far on my own, right?

On Tue, Dec 27, 2011 at 10:11 AM, echobabe_is_free

wrote:

**

What is the situation between you and the family that mom has

banished? In

many cases, people are quite forgiving and getting to know them

might be

the best thing you ever do for yourself. Unless they are all

reeling with

PD too.

I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I

should

cut

ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and

respect her

as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that

name!).

Anyway,

I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the

only

family

I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago,

as well

as

every single other person in my family and I'm basically

forbidden to

speak

to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO

family in

my

life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen,

especially since

I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like

crap half

the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes

to work

on

having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

relationship

with a BP can be...).

So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have

plenty of

other family members to lean on that understand your position

and can

support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's

clearly toxic in

your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good

(forgive me

if

I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in

your

life

or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still

speak to my

mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and

look at the

big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have

to take

the

bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she

interferes or

contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

Hope this helps!

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

This is just my perspective as an observer, but also as a fellow " KO " , or non-pd

adult child of a personality-disordered parent.

At your age I was deeply enmeshed emotionally with my parents, and with my nada

in particular. (It was an unhealthy enmeshment. I believe that as a small

child I'd become trauma-bonded to my mother, aka " The Stockholm Syndrome. " )

So, being so deeply enmeshed with my mom, everything she told me about herself

and her abusive experiences with her own family and with my dad's family were

the gospel truth. I swallowed it whole. I also felt responsible for my

mother's moods, and responsible for how she treated me. I bought the whole

package; it was my fault: I wasn't trying hard enough to make her happy. I had

never heard of " personality disorder " . I'd grown up being told by my dad that

my mom was just " high strung " and that I needed to try and please her so as to

keep her on an " even keel " and " make her proud of me. " I didn't particularly

like my little sister and we weren't close emotionally, and she chose a career

that kept her out of the country most of the time, as well.

I remained deeply enmeshed with my parents until they moved away from me, to the

opposite coast of the country, when I was in my mid 30's. Instead of dating

and developing my own set of friends, marrying or having a family of my own, I

self-isolated, becoming a workaholic; at least that allowed me to advance a

great deal in my career.

When I hit my late 40s and early 50s, I slowly began to realize that perhaps

something wasn't right with my relationship with my mother and that something

might be wrong with me, or mom, or both of us. I started reading books about

" difficult people " and researching such things on the Internet. " Stop Walking

On Eggshells " was the first book I read about the personality disordered and how

to manage having a relationship with a pd person. My obsessive qualities then

drove me to read everything I could about personality disorders. I saw my

mother vividly represented in every book and article about " Cluster B "

personality disorders, and I saw some aspects of myself in " Avoidant PD " and

" Post-traumatic Stress Disorder " and " Depression. "

I am happier and more emotionally healthy in late middle age than I ever was as

a young adult; but how I wish I'd gotten help for myself much earlier in life.

What I'm getting at here, is that you as a 19 year old have an amazing

opportunity here to educate yourself and get a much, much earlier start on

healing and recovering from your enmeshment, than I did. You have a chance of

developing a normal, healthy love relationship with a mentally healthy partner

and having children, and at the same time having a relationship with your mother

that is not all about taking care of her and her needs out of misplaced and

inappropriate feelings of guilt and responsibility for her well-being.

The key points I want to convey to you is that you are NOT responsible for

causing your mother to be mentally ill, and you can't cure her. Nothing you can

possibly say or do is going to make her mentally healthy; she is the only one

who has the power to seek help for herself. You are not responsible for your

mother's feelings or her happiness, either.

You were not born to be her mommy, or her companion, or her appendage that never

leaves her and serves her will, like an extra arm. That is one of the really

bad things that Cluster B individuals do to their children: they create intense,

unhealthy and unnatural bonds with their children because they want to avoid

ever being alone. Its very, very selfish and narcissistic, and very wrong to

do that to your own child.

So, I hope you will read all the good literature that is out there now about

pds, about Cluster B pds in particular, and I hope that unlike me you will seek

therapy for yourself as a young adult, to help you realize that its OK, normal

and healthy for you to have your own, autonomous emotional adult life, and not

wind up in your middle age as your mother's mother or your mother's mate.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I should

> > cut

> > > ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and respect her

> > > as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that name!).

> > Anyway,

> > > I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the only

> > family

> > > I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago, as well

> > as

> > > every single other person in my family and I'm basically forbidden to

> > speak

> > > to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO family in

> > my

> > > life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen, especially since

> > > I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like crap half

> > > the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes to work

> > on

> > > having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

> > relationship

> > > with a BP can be...).

> > >

> > > So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have plenty of

> > > other family members to lean on that understand your position and can

> > > support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's clearly toxic in

> > > your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good (forgive me

> > if

> > > I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in your

> > life

> > > or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still speak to my

> > > mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and look at the

> > > big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have to take

> > the

> > > bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she interferes or

> > > contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

> > >

> > > Hope this helps!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

your situation is your own. it sounds like your family is hard to get to know. I

have older sisters who have been a huge help to me through all of this.

if you need support this discussion board is a good place for it, in spite of

your rocky start.

validating yourself is hard to do. your mom sounds like she can support you, you

just need boundaries to protect yourself. that is very hard. I am in the same

boat.

your sister sounds like she is not in a position to help you with regards to

your mom right now. that may change. I have the same thing with another sister

of mine we have a long and hard history she was pretty awful to me. but now she

and I are close in spite of a difference of opinion about or mom. your sister

sounds like she wants to help you in other ways though. so that may be worth

perusing. my sister has helped me see myself as people without bpd do. it has

been invaluable in separating my mom's perceptions, and a more likely reality

about myself.

wishing you the best.

Meikjn

>

> I have also been looking for answers as far as whether or not I

> should

> cut

> ties with my mom. (I don't call her nada, I still see her and

> respect her

> as my mother, though I understand why some of you use that

> name!).

> Anyway,

> I agree with Meijkn, it depends on your situation. For me, the

> only

> family

> I have is my mom. She and my sister stopped speaking years ago,

> as well

> as

> every single other person in my family and I'm basically

> forbidden to

> speak

> to any of them. If I cut my mom out completely I will have NO

> family in

> my

> life at all. That's not something I ever want to happen,

> especially since

> I'm only 19 right now. She may drive me crazy and treat me like

> crap half

> the time, but she's still my mom and I will do whatever it takes

> to work

> on

> having a somewhat-normal relationship with her (as normal as a

> relationship

> with a BP can be...).

>

> So yes, it definitely depends on your situation. If you have

> plenty of

> other family members to lean on that understand your position

> and can

> support you, I'd say go no contact with your nada. She's

> clearly toxic in

> your life and from what it seems causes more harm than good

> (forgive me

> if

> I'm making untrue assumptions), but there's no place for that in

> your

> life

> or your children's lives. I ask myself everyday why I still

> speak to my

> mother after all she puts me through, but when I sit back and

> look at the

> big picture, I realize it's my only option right now and I have

> to take

> the

> bad with the good. Look at YOUR situation and the way she

> interferes or

> contributes to YOUR life, and then decide; is it worth it?

>

> Hope this helps!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I do have an explanation I like for that. This is the one aspect of my current

feelings that is hardest to explain to others. my husband is very supportive,

but he struggles to understand why the past is so important to me. I have tried

to explain that I have so many things that I have never allowed myself to

believe and feel the pain of. but that is only part of it.

I love history. there is a holocaust memoir by a woman named Corrie Ten Boom

called " the hiding place " it is packed with powerful lessons of love suffering,

and forgiveness.

a story I like is when she is little she is on a train with her father she asked

him what sex is. he tells her to lift his suitcase. she is unable to and he

tells her that it is his job to carry that burden. and the same is true for

things we are not ready for yet. he told her that he would carry the burden for

her until she was strong enough.

this story is threaded throughout the book. she talks about how sometimes when

we experience traumatic things that God carries the burden for us until we are

ready for it. that is the explanation she gives for why we often have to re-live

the pain of an indecent long after because we have not yet healed but God (or

we) waited until we could bear the burden

this is very simplistic, but I think a clinical explanation is that we go into

survival mode as kids. and being numb emotionally allows us to get through the

immediate situation, and then we deal with the issues when we are strong enough

emotionally to bear it.

I think I needed to have people in my life that made me feel safe emotionally.

growing up I was not allowed to have feelings. now I am. so here they are. all

at once...

Meikjn

> >

> > Hi, I have posted here only a few times in the past months but never in

> > depth as I have been too ill with panic and exhaustion.

> >

> >

> >

> > My name is Twyla, and I was introduced to this forum in the Fall by a

> Sister

> > member from another help group. Because of the timing in my life, her

> > insight and now this Loop, and lots of on-going therapy, I have finally

> > figured out what my mother (and father and brother are) and what the hell

> > happened to me years ago to help shape my own behavior and my life and the

> > pain that accompanied it.

> >

> >

> >

> > For years, I am 56, I have tried to save my Nada. My FOO was very

> > physically & emotionally abusive. My Fada was a control maniac and mother

> > fell in line. Fada died 12 years ago and I maintained a ridiculous amount

> > of a supportive relationship to Nada. From about 5 yrs. old, I was

> rescuing

> > and supporting Nada emotionally as she was the only one in Foo that seemed

> > to show a bit of caring. In-between the violence, the conformity and

> > dictates, mother was always crying. She was badly treated by Fada and his

> > side of the family. Perhaps she was not quite BPD then but she had the

> > makings of one. Her own mother died when she was about 12 and Nada was

> left

> > to fend for herself mostly with 2 older brothers and a philandering

> father.

> >

> >

> >

> > To bring this to the present, the reason I could not post more is I was on

> > the edge emotionally in a very dangerous place. In the Fall of this year,

> > many incidents colidided with one another in a timely fashion in which I

> now

> > believe were the necessary keys to my healing, but in August to November,

> I

> > was not quite sure I would make it through.

> >

> >

> >

> > Since March of this year, my mother-in-law passed, son's ex- (but not)

> > girlfriend of 23 yrs. was killed instantly in car accident, and my Nada's

> > brother (my Uncle) died. I also realize that this year, my mother (IN

> > CONCEPT) died. I was also fired from a job I loved due to hostile

> political

> > take-over of a group in upper management and had to find work I had not

> done

> > professionally for 5 years. My previous job was specialized and I had to

> go

> > backwards.

> >

> >

> >

> > At the time my Uncle was dying, I found out that (pre-deceased Aunt) &

> Uncle

> > made my cousin & myself all the Powers for Uncle's Will, so a lot went on

> > with helping my Uncle die. In Aug., when he died, we then found out that

> we

> > were also named the primary beneficiaries .and my Nada was only a minor.

> >

> >

> >

> > The above enflamed what was already typical Nada behavior that I was JUST

> > BECOMING AWARE OF. I had to ask myself so often WHY was I just getting

> this

> > now, after all these years? Nada went nuts on me about the Will saying IT

> > was all a mistake (that I was only a niece and she THE sister). Nada and

> > her brother were not on speaking terms for some years as I have found out

> > recently from cousin's side. Nada was after his money long ago. The blame

> I

> > have received for being remembered in this Will is insane. Nada tells me I

> > SHOULD being doing what she would. She is 86. SHE would divide it into 3

> > shares .2 for my brothers. I need to mention, my one brother portrays

> > sociopathic behaviors and did his fair share of beating me as a child

> along

> > with pulling knives on me etc. all to which my parents covered up to save

> > their good name. my oldest brother abandoned most all involvement with our

> > family years ago and neither brother has ever contacted my 2 sons or ever

> > had a relationship with them. NEITHER of my two brothers OR 4 of my

> cousin's

> > siblings were mentioned in the Will. Neither of my brothers have children.

> > Just me 2 great kids and wonderful husband.

> >

> >

> >

> > So as of late, my brother, the alcoholic, sociopathic one, (he is 60) who

> > comes to take and use Nada every month at her apartment, emailed me to

> tell

> > me he is done with me for this life-time and that I can sue him for abuse

> if

> > I want to. This is all due to Nada babbling my anger towards HER DIRECTION

> > of what to do with my uncle's willed gift. Nada has told me the Will

> > shouldn't have been written this way (it was done by both Uncle & Aunt in

> > 1996 when they were both of sound mind). She has told me how rotten and

> > selfish I am. (behind his back my mom and dad spoke very mean words about

> > Aunt & Uncle because they had more money than we did and it made my

> parents

> > crazy).

> >

> >

> >

> > I emotionally and to some degree, financially, supported my mother for

> years

> > due to her poor marriage and what later became her abusive son. I live 800

> > miles away (thank you God!) and have been her phone pal for years over 30.

> > Every time Nada cried, I was there, protecting her, getting her legal

> help,

> > Dr. help., she was number one on my list. I loved her sooooooo much as I

> > felt she was so helpless AND IT WAS MY JOB TO SAVE HER!!

> >

> >

> >

> > But nothing was ever returned. I was so brain-washed from NEEDING to have

> > one parent I could call FAMILY that I never really SAW what was happening.

> > Plus, living almost 24 x 7 with panic and depression didn't help my mind

> for

> > clarity. I never had any good role models how was I to know different?

> >

> >

> >

> > I was never good enough, my then boy-friend to become husband, was

> chastised

> > because he is Polish WE ARE UNKRANIAN!!. My mother insisted on creating MY

> > wedding at what church and what faith!. I wanted United, she insisted

> > Catholic. My father guilted me about her nervous-breakdown that would

> > happen if I didn't stop acting so selfishly. I never gave in and she hates

> > me because I was always strong yet naïve about my FOO. We would take my

> > young kids (then) home at least 2x per year only to be asked shortly after

> > we got there when we would be leaving. We were always treated as an

> > inconvenience. My mother has not been to visit for 11 years to our home.

> > She says it is because the grandkids are too old now and they do not need

> a

> > gramma at their age!!! She also says, " You all work, what would I do all

> day

> > by myself??? " . WTF is that??? The list goes on and on.

> >

> >

> >

> > In the recent years and even starting at the beginning of the Rescission,

> > when for one of the few times I needed help from her (I was laid off from

> my

> > work in 2008) I was then also devastated as I am the main bread-winner

> here.

> > She showed little concern. As I had been Agoraphobic most my life and up

> to

> > 4 years back was very ill with this, I had not seen the REAL NADA I was

> too

> > busy trying to stay alive for years .but my new therapist was helping me

> in

> > ways I had never had help before. I started to wake-up from the illusion

> to

> > see mom was not there for me .but I WAS EXPECTED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR

> HER.

> > As time went on. this year I asked her to talk about our past, to clear

> the

> > air and help us heal. When I went into details of the abuse that went on

> at

> > home, she DENIED ALL OF IT! Said it never happened and she would ask my

> > brothers if what I said was true. When my husband's mother passed, my Nada

> > had a short bus trip planned, and matter- of- factly told me she could not

> > cancel the ticket! It was a senior outing, my mother-in-law had known her

> > well for almost 35 years and Nada couldn't go to her funeral? I gave her

> > such a hard time she went then was mad at me for mentioning how I pushed

> her

> > there. She told me " Well I went, didn't I? " OMG, too many crazies.

> >

> >

> >

> > The story is long and too much to read in one session.

> >

> >

> >

> > I want to add, my Agoraphobia began with the severe beatings I was witness

> > to at about 3 yrs. old and then later to myself by brother. It was an

> escape

> > mechanism although a harsh one, it made me withdraw from the world around

> me

> > to a great degree.

> >

> >

> >

> > I have dealt much with all the above, I am on a good road now and have Low

> > contact with my mom which is very different from the EVERYDAY to every few

> > day contact I gave for yeeeeeeeears. It got so bad I gave her an ultimatum

> > in November .I meant all of it .she either decided she wanted to stay in

> > touch or I was gone. I did not and do not care much now. I do not think

> she

> > can or knows how to change or even that she has caused so much grief. No

> > more telling me I am the bad one, the selfish one, the fighter, the one

> who

> > tells her such mean things (ya, like the truth). I will keep the thin

> > thread but it will snap if it needs to. I still feel she has something

> good

> > way deep inside, not that I will get it, but so far, I believe she is not

> > totally diseased. I may change that view also. Time will tell. I believe

> > my Fada helped push her to this severity due to her own insecurities. He

> > was the ring leader.

> >

> >

> >

> > It is a good deal I am so stubborn; I wouldn't have survived if I were

> not.

> >

> >

> >

> > Nada is not done with me yet regarding this Will issue ..but I have staved

> > her off telling her how ill I was from all the incidents I lived through

> > (which is true as I am under Dr. care). The first night I started having

> > serious heart pains, my DH called her to tell her as I was so sick and I

> > wanted her to KNOW ..but did not want to speak to her. It ended up after

> > several back and forth calls with her telling my husband to go to

> > hell ..because DH told me he didn't think she had much concern for my

> > condition. When I confronted her, she twisted it again saying DH should

> not

> > have bothered ME that night with calling her if I was in bad condition.

> > Nothing was mentioned ABOUT my condition just that I had a big mouth and

> was

> > so mean to her again.

> >

> >

> >

> > I am sorry this is so long. There is so much to say but also so much that

> > is typical to these BPD people.

> >

> >

> >

> > Any comments or contributions would be welcome.

> >

> >

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> >

> >

> >

> > Twyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

You poor thing, you've been in hell. And your poor sister sounds like she is

still reeling from unresolved emotional damage. That is so sad, but not

altogether unusual with siblings who have grown up with a BPD

parent.

My mother's aunts and uncles all had the same hateful dynamic you describe. What

surprised me was when my father started describing his father for me, and low

and behold, HE sounds like a BPD, too. Which finally explains just why my

parents were likely attracted to each other in the first place.

>

> Some of you are telling me I shouldn't avoid my other relatives just

> because my mom says so and that I am free to make my own decisions now that

> I'm an adult, and I realize that, but I guess I didn't include enough

> detail about that in my post. My other family members have never had

> anything to do with me since I was little. They never showed any interest

> in my life regardless of their relationships with my mom at the time. My

> dad's side of the family NEVER liked or even spoke to my mom, her side of

> the family, or me and my sister, and my mom's side of the family has been

> dysfunctional since day 1. (Lots of BPD and other personality disorders on

> that side) So it's not JUST my mom alienating herself and me from the rest

> of the family. They all do that to each other and have for my entire life.

> Believe me, I've tried having a relationship with several of them and it

> never lasts more than a couple months. Things will be looking up and be

> great for a few weeks and all of a sudden I'll stop hearing from them and

> before I know it, 3 years go by and I haven't heard a word from them. This

> seems to be a recurring cycle in my family.

> As far as my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for 8 years

> because she went NC with my mom as soon as she turned 18 but the way she

> did it was what hurt me and severed our relationship. Our dad died in May

> of that year and just 2 months later in July my sister took off with her

> boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying a word to me or my mom.

> I never heard from her again, even after repeated attempts to contact her

> through friends and other family members. She got married without us, had

> my niece without us, ignored all my birthdays and other holidays for 8

> YEARS. As soon as I turned 18 and went away to college, she tried

> contacting me. I was reluctant at first because I was so angry with her for

> what she did, especially right after our father's death, but after a few

> months I decided to see her and try to build a relationship with her

> again. Since she missed out on nearly half my life, it feels like building

> a relationship with a sister I never knew existed and it's been really

> hard. It's been very rocky too because she refuses to talk to me about our

> mom (so there's no support there) and if I try to talk about her or even

> just vent about our mom, she yells at me and says if I'm going to choose to

> still have a relationship with mom then I need to deal with the

> consequences, that she's only going to continue making my life worse until

> I cut her out completely, etc etc. It's very cruel and hurtful and it's not

> at all what I need to hear. I'm trying to deal with my relationship with

> our mom differently than she did and she doesn't understand or support it.

> She also will stop speaking to me if for example, I spend Christmas break

> with our mom instead of with her. I haven't heard from her in a month

> because I'm home for break instead of spending it with her. I tried calling

> her on Christmas and got ignored. Needless to say, trying to have a

> relationship with my sister after 8 years has not been easy.

>

> That's basically the sum of what's gone on with my family, for those of you

> that were asking and commenting about it. I should have been a little more

> clear in my last post but those are some of the reasons I don't speak to

> them. It's not just because of my mom, though she has played a big part.

> I've often wondered if she was the reason no one spoke to my part of the

> family. If she was the reason my family didn't love me. But I can't help

> but think maybe it's just me. Maybe for some reason they didn't want

> anything to do with ME, even since the time I was born. I don't really know

> why, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept the fact that I have NO

> solid family to love and support me and that I need to just do life on my

> own. Heck, I've made it this far on my own, right?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your support. It still shocks me to get on here and read

about all these other people's situations and see how similar they all are

to my own! It sometimes sounds like we were all raised by the same parents!

All this time I thought I was all alone and nobody, not even my counselor,

understood what I was going through. This group has been such a great

support for me so far, and I'm grateful to have found it.

> **

>

>

> You poor thing, you've been in hell. And your poor sister sounds like she

> is still reeling from unresolved emotional damage. That is so sad, but not

> altogether unusual with siblings who have grown up with a BPD

> parent.

>

> My mother's aunts and uncles all had the same hateful dynamic you

> describe. What surprised me was when my father started describing his

> father for me, and low and behold, HE sounds like a BPD, too. Which finally

> explains just why my parents were likely attracted to each other in the

> first place.

>

>

>

> >

> > Some of you are telling me I shouldn't avoid my other relatives just

> > because my mom says so and that I am free to make my own decisions now

> that

> > I'm an adult, and I realize that, but I guess I didn't include enough

> > detail about that in my post. My other family members have never had

> > anything to do with me since I was little. They never showed any interest

> > in my life regardless of their relationships with my mom at the time. My

> > dad's side of the family NEVER liked or even spoke to my mom, her side of

> > the family, or me and my sister, and my mom's side of the family has been

> > dysfunctional since day 1. (Lots of BPD and other personality disorders

> on

> > that side) So it's not JUST my mom alienating herself and me from the

> rest

> > of the family. They all do that to each other and have for my entire

> life.

> > Believe me, I've tried having a relationship with several of them and it

> > never lasts more than a couple months. Things will be looking up and be

> > great for a few weeks and all of a sudden I'll stop hearing from them and

> > before I know it, 3 years go by and I haven't heard a word from them.

> This

> > seems to be a recurring cycle in my family.

> > As far as my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for 8 years

> > because she went NC with my mom as soon as she turned 18 but the way she

> > did it was what hurt me and severed our relationship. Our dad died in May

> > of that year and just 2 months later in July my sister took off with her

> > boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying a word to me or my

> mom.

> > I never heard from her again, even after repeated attempts to contact her

> > through friends and other family members. She got married without us, had

> > my niece without us, ignored all my birthdays and other holidays for 8

> > YEARS. As soon as I turned 18 and went away to college, she tried

> > contacting me. I was reluctant at first because I was so angry with her

> for

> > what she did, especially right after our father's death, but after a few

> > months I decided to see her and try to build a relationship with her

> > again. Since she missed out on nearly half my life, it feels like

> building

> > a relationship with a sister I never knew existed and it's been really

> > hard. It's been very rocky too because she refuses to talk to me about

> our

> > mom (so there's no support there) and if I try to talk about her or even

> > just vent about our mom, she yells at me and says if I'm going to choose

> to

> > still have a relationship with mom then I need to deal with the

> > consequences, that she's only going to continue making my life worse

> until

> > I cut her out completely, etc etc. It's very cruel and hurtful and it's

> not

> > at all what I need to hear. I'm trying to deal with my relationship with

> > our mom differently than she did and she doesn't understand or support

> it.

> > She also will stop speaking to me if for example, I spend Christmas break

> > with our mom instead of with her. I haven't heard from her in a month

> > because I'm home for break instead of spending it with her. I tried

> calling

> > her on Christmas and got ignored. Needless to say, trying to have a

> > relationship with my sister after 8 years has not been easy.

> >

> > That's basically the sum of what's gone on with my family, for those of

> you

> > that were asking and commenting about it. I should have been a little

> more

> > clear in my last post but those are some of the reasons I don't speak to

> > them. It's not just because of my mom, though she has played a big part.

> > I've often wondered if she was the reason no one spoke to my part of the

> > family. If she was the reason my family didn't love me. But I can't help

> > but think maybe it's just me. Maybe for some reason they didn't want

> > anything to do with ME, even since the time I was born. I don't really

> know

> > why, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept the fact that I have

> NO

> > solid family to love and support me and that I need to just do life on my

> > own. Heck, I've made it this far on my own, right?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been a part of this group for more than a year now and would like to thank

everyone for sharing their thoughts, concerns, and feelings! I am so thankful

to have this group to turn to b/c yes I can relate to many of u who are a victim

of BPD! I wish I had this group earlier in order to keep me SANE n be able to

VENT out my frustrations, whenever I had to deal with my family obstacles n

issues. And u are right, no one really understands what we go through,

especially because the LAY ppl just don't understand n because mental illness is

such a TABOO in our society that we must condone it to others. Unfortunately,

it is affecting my marriage n my personal insecurities in dealing with my side

of my family, and unfortunately, my husband n his family are too proud to even

try to understand what i go through. Because of BPD n other psychological

illnesses, I am finally understanding why I am not the one who is CRAZY, but in

reality, it is my side of the family that has been tearing me up! Again, thank

God for this group because now I have ppl on my side even though I don't even

know u all. Just want to voice my TRUE feelings to all of you who are victims

of BPD or any other mental disorders because we are in our own world n we must

continue to be STRONG and not let our issues and insecurities bring us down, but

instead, make us STRONGER! HAPPY NEW YEAR to my new family n friends n

hopefully I will be able to open up more n participate in this ongoing group of

conversations. THANK YOU again!! 😄

Sent from my iPhone

> Thank you all for your support. It still shocks me to get on here and read

> about all these other people's situations and see how similar they all are

> to my own! It sometimes sounds like we were all raised by the same parents!

> All this time I thought I was all alone and nobody, not even my counselor,

> understood what I was going through. This group has been such a great

> support for me so far, and I'm grateful to have found it.

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> You poor thing, you've been in hell. And your poor sister sounds like she

>> is still reeling from unresolved emotional damage. That is so sad, but not

>> altogether unusual with siblings who have grown up with a BPD

>> parent.

>>

>> My mother's aunts and uncles all had the same hateful dynamic you

>> describe. What surprised me was when my father started describing his

>> father for me, and low and behold, HE sounds like a BPD, too. Which finally

>> explains just why my parents were likely attracted to each other in the

>> first place.

>>

>>

>>

>>>

>>> Some of you are telling me I shouldn't avoid my other relatives just

>>> because my mom says so and that I am free to make my own decisions now

>> that

>>> I'm an adult, and I realize that, but I guess I didn't include enough

>>> detail about that in my post. My other family members have never had

>>> anything to do with me since I was little. They never showed any interest

>>> in my life regardless of their relationships with my mom at the time. My

>>> dad's side of the family NEVER liked or even spoke to my mom, her side of

>>> the family, or me and my sister, and my mom's side of the family has been

>>> dysfunctional since day 1. (Lots of BPD and other personality disorders

>> on

>>> that side) So it's not JUST my mom alienating herself and me from the

>> rest

>>> of the family. They all do that to each other and have for my entire

>> life.

>>> Believe me, I've tried having a relationship with several of them and it

>>> never lasts more than a couple months. Things will be looking up and be

>>> great for a few weeks and all of a sudden I'll stop hearing from them and

>>> before I know it, 3 years go by and I haven't heard a word from them.

>> This

>>> seems to be a recurring cycle in my family.

>>> As far as my relationship with my sister, we didn't speak for 8 years

>>> because she went NC with my mom as soon as she turned 18 but the way she

>>> did it was what hurt me and severed our relationship. Our dad died in May

>>> of that year and just 2 months later in July my sister took off with her

>>> boyfriend in the middle of the night without saying a word to me or my

>> mom.

>>> I never heard from her again, even after repeated attempts to contact her

>>> through friends and other family members. She got married without us, had

>>> my niece without us, ignored all my birthdays and other holidays for 8

>>> YEARS. As soon as I turned 18 and went away to college, she tried

>>> contacting me. I was reluctant at first because I was so angry with her

>> for

>>> what she did, especially right after our father's death, but after a few

>>> months I decided to see her and try to build a relationship with her

>>> again. Since she missed out on nearly half my life, it feels like

>> building

>>> a relationship with a sister I never knew existed and it's been really

>>> hard. It's been very rocky too because she refuses to talk to me about

>> our

>>> mom (so there's no support there) and if I try to talk about her or even

>>> just vent about our mom, she yells at me and says if I'm going to choose

>> to

>>> still have a relationship with mom then I need to deal with the

>>> consequences, that she's only going to continue making my life worse

>> until

>>> I cut her out completely, etc etc. It's very cruel and hurtful and it's

>> not

>>> at all what I need to hear. I'm trying to deal with my relationship with

>>> our mom differently than she did and she doesn't understand or support

>> it.

>>> She also will stop speaking to me if for example, I spend Christmas break

>>> with our mom instead of with her. I haven't heard from her in a month

>>> because I'm home for break instead of spending it with her. I tried

>> calling

>>> her on Christmas and got ignored. Needless to say, trying to have a

>>> relationship with my sister after 8 years has not been easy.

>>>

>>> That's basically the sum of what's gone on with my family, for those of

>> you

>>> that were asking and commenting about it. I should have been a little

>> more

>>> clear in my last post but those are some of the reasons I don't speak to

>>> them. It's not just because of my mom, though she has played a big part.

>>> I've often wondered if she was the reason no one spoke to my part of the

>>> family. If she was the reason my family didn't love me. But I can't help

>>> but think maybe it's just me. Maybe for some reason they didn't want

>>> anything to do with ME, even since the time I was born. I don't really

>> know

>>> why, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept the fact that I have

>> NO

>>> solid family to love and support me and that I need to just do life on my

>>> own. Heck, I've made it this far on my own, right?

>>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>