Broke NC- now I have to start all over again!

[Guest guest]

I have been NC with my nada and fada for about 3 years. Every year i get gifts,

cards and sometimes phone calls on special occassions like birthdays and

Christmas. I usually ignore them or throw them away. If its cash, I usually just

give it to someone who I know needs a little extra cash.

Just recently, I had a huge flower arrangment and a card with $200 inside of it

delivered to my job. When I saw the card and realized it was nada who gave it, I

felt a little bit guilty and decided to call nada to thank her. We had about a

15 minute conversation in which most of it nada was trying to make me feel

guilty. All she talked about is how lonely she is ever since grand-nada died (Im

an only child) and how this Christmas is difficult. I felt bad, but ended the

conversation and haven't spoken to her since. No card, no " Merry Christmas "

phone call. Nothing.

Problem is- I feel like I lost my mom and gained my nada all over again. I feel

like I did when I just discovered she was BPD. I can't seem to shake the feeling

that I buried both of my parents in a funeral or something. Now I have to start

the grieving process all over again! UGH! why do I do this to myself? Why can't

I avoid these traps?

AJ