what to do with angry apology

[Guest guest]

There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because there was little

model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I call the angry

apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who has hurt me, but

often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say " I'm sorry " or " I

apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of voice. I've even gone as

far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then they act like I'm so unreasonable

and insist they are sorry (still sounding angry). I don't see any real regret

or change in behavior later either. It triggers me because I've already pushed

myself way out of my comfort zone to confront them at all and I don't know what

more to say at that point. But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings

remain in the air.

How you deal with this kind of situation?

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Or the classic non-apology " I'm sorry you feel that way. " which relays only that

they aren't accepting any responsibility for the transgression.

For these things to be resolved, you would need some true empathy expressed,

some sort of validation. If it was my own nada, she would choke before

expressing either one.

Since you are not likely to get a true apology, I suppose the next step would be

to set up consequences if the situation occurs again.

>

> There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because there was

little model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I call the

angry apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who has hurt me,

but often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say " I'm sorry " or " I

apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of voice. I've even gone as

far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then they act like I'm so unreasonable

and insist they are sorry (still sounding angry). I don't see any real regret

or change in behavior later either. It triggers me because I've already pushed

myself way out of my comfort zone to confront them at all and I don't know what

more to say at that point. But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings

remain in the air.

>

> How you deal with this kind of situation?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Echo - I have thought of reconfronting (is that a word?) the person about

the issue but yet I doubt it would change things. So yeah consequences make

sense.

It has been frustrating in all of my non-family life that I just don't KNOW how

to deal with other people's bad behavior. I don't know how angry I should be

or what stand I should take. Sometimes I feel like I overreact and get too

angry or end relationships I should have worked on. Other times it's the

opposite, letting too much go and getting taken advantage of. Some of my

deepest anger at my nada and FOO is about this - that they set me up to go out

into the world ill equipped to deal with it. Bah.

I've ordered Townsend and Cloud's Safe People so I'm hoping it'll help.

Thanks,

Eliza

> >

> > There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because there was

little model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I call the

angry apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who has hurt me,

but often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say " I'm sorry " or " I

apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of voice. I've even gone as

far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then they act like I'm so unreasonable

and insist they are sorry (still sounding angry). I don't see any real regret

or change in behavior later either. It triggers me because I've already pushed

myself way out of my comfort zone to confront them at all and I don't know what

more to say at that point. But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings

remain in the air.

> >

> > How you deal with this kind of situation?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I don't mind the " I'm sorry you feel that way " if it's followed by " I

didn't mean it that way " and it's genuine. If someone's genuinely apologetic,

then the actual word matter less than the tone.

I hate when people apologize just because they feel like that's the only way to

get you to let them alone, ie: the angry apology. Or the sullen apology. Like

that really helps?

Ug.

> >

> > There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because there was

little model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I call the

angry apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who has hurt me,

but often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say " I'm sorry " or " I

apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of voice. I've even gone as

far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then they act like I'm so unreasonable

and insist they are sorry (still sounding angry). I don't see any real regret

or change in behavior later either. It triggers me because I've already pushed

myself way out of my comfort zone to confront them at all and I don't know what

more to say at that point. But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings

remain in the air.

> >

> > How you deal with this kind of situation?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly Afldancer, it feels like they are just saying they are sorry to shut me

up and end the argument. And beyond the first time of me saying they don't

sound like they mean it I'm not sure where to go from there. If it's an

optional relationship I can easily end or detach from it's not so bad but if I

have to deal with them long-term everything just gets more toxic. Then to

throw in a KO angle here - I've too much experience enduring toxic relationships

as it is.

Eliza

> > >

> > > There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because there was

little model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I call the

angry apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who has hurt me,

but often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say " I'm sorry " or " I

apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of voice. I've even gone as

far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then they act like I'm so unreasonable

and insist they are sorry (still sounding angry). I don't see any real regret

or change in behavior later either. It triggers me because I've already pushed

myself way out of my comfort zone to confront them at all and I don't know what

more to say at that point. But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings

remain in the air.

> > >

> > > How you deal with this kind of situation?

> > >

> > > Eliza

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

yes, my boyfriend does it every time I get mad at him. I always say,

someone who is sorry would say it in a way that sounded apologetic. Then I

often say, sounds to me like the only thing you are sorry for is that I

pointed it out, noticed, brought it up etc etc etc.

On Tue, Dec 27, 2011 at 8:07 PM, eliza92@... <

eliza92@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Exactly Afldancer, it feels like they are just saying they are sorry to

> shut me up and end the argument. And beyond the first time of me saying

> they don't sound like they mean it I'm not sure where to go from there. If

> it's an optional relationship I can easily end or detach from it's not so

> bad but if I have to deal with them long-term everything just gets more

> toxic. Then to throw in a KO angle here - I've too much experience enduring

> toxic relationships as it is.

>

> Eliza

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > There are certain social issues I struggle with as a KO because

> there was little model of healthy behavior in my FOO. One of them is what I

> call the angry apology. I can get up the gumption to confront someone who

> has hurt me, but often if they don't defend and justify they'll just say

> " I'm sorry " or " I apologize " but in this angry and UNapologetic tone of

> voice. I've even gone as far as to say " you don't sound sorry " and then

> they act like I'm so unreasonable and insist they are sorry (still sounding

> angry). I don't see any real regret or change in behavior later either. It

> triggers me because I've already pushed myself way out of my comfort zone

> to confront them at all and I don't know what more to say at that point.

> But nothing is really resolved and hurt feelings remain in the air.

> > > >

> > > > How you deal with this kind of situation?

> > > >

> > > > Eliza

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>