Letters to NADA: Vol. 1

[Guest guest]

Dear Nada,

I drove up last night to visit my father and his family. During my drive

yesterday I thought a lot about what you would have to say about me visiting my

dad. I imagined you saying things like " I can't believe you are choosing your

dad over me when I did EVERYTHING for you " and " you are trash just like they

are " . These thoughts made me want to justify myself in my mind. Thinking things

like " I'm not choosing my dad over you, you are choosing not to have a

relationship with me because you won't accept it " , and " I know my dad made a lot

of mistakes, you did, too, but I love you both and want you both in my life " .

I saw my grandmother today, and she made me a scrap book for Christmas. It had

pictures of me and my little sister when we were very little. It had pictures of

you and me when I was little. You smiled in the pictures. You face was really

smiling, but your eyes....your eyes weren't really smiling. But still, your face

was so young. Your smile reflected a different person. Before life really got to

you. You were still the same person, but you were calmer. You were more " ok "

then. My guess is it's because your children were young and dependent on you. I

remember even at a young age living my life for you. But I also remember loving

my dad. I remember wanting to spend every moment with him. Was this a special

bond between father and daughter? Or was this my way of staying out of your way

as much as possible? I don't know. Perhaps it was both. And then he was ripped

from my life so quickly. Both of you (my mom and dad) were responsible for me

growing up without a dad in my life. I know and understand that, although I know

you will proclaim complete innocence for ANYTHING in my life that wasn't ideal.

You were never able to take ownership for anything.

I know we are all responsible for owning up to our own actions. Which is why

dealing with this whole family situation is so difficult. I kept second guessing

my own self. What could I have done different to make things better? Nothing.

I've tried every form of communication. I've tried to be a good listener. I've

tried to understand and put myself in your shoes. I'm not one to place blame on

people, because I truly believe it takes 2 to tango.

I'm here in the town I was born in. The town you used to live in. Driving on the

roads that I know you remember so well. Wondering what your thoughts used to be

when you would look at me when I was a child. How could you look at my face and

then act the way you did? I will never know. I was an innocent. I believe I

still am. I'm here in the town I was born in. Looking at these pictures,

wondering how you felt then. Looking at the past, trying to draw a line from

then to now.

My heart and my eyes both cry for you. Mourn for you. I still love you. I always

will. I guess that is my own misfortune.

Sara Jo