Mother's Approval???

December 27, 2011

I am new to OZ. I was raised soley by my bpd mother...father left when I was 3.

I am now 42, single again, and have 3 children. I have been in and out of

therapy. I have made decisions in my life in an effort to please my mother, but

caused myself pain and destruction. About a month ago, I realized that I have

been making choices throughout my life in an effort to gain my mother's

approval, even though it clearly sabotoged my own life. Now I finally realize

that I will never get her approval and I need to make my own decisions, even if

she completely disapproves and warns me that she is sick and going to die

because " I don't love her. " She rejects my boyfriend of two years and says that

if I loved her, I would leave him. She refuses to allow him at her home and

rejects him completely. She claims that I love him more than her. I can no

longer bear the pain and guilt of the effects of the decisions that I make in my

life. I still love my mother. But, I have spent 42 years MISERABLE! And now,

I want happiness in my life. No more drama. I can't take anymore of the drama

and accusations. So, even though she only lives a few blocks away, I don't care

to see her. Of course, this brings great guilt. Which I don't want to have.

But, I honestly feel that if I don't separate myself from her, I will continue

to destroy every relationship in my life in order to attempt to please her and

make HER happy. What about my happiness??? Don't I matter just a little? It's

definitely a challenge to begin to set boundaries at age 42. It's definitely

with a heavy heart, that I place the necessary distance between me and my

mother. But I don't know what else to do. I don't think that I will ever do

anything that pleases her or makes her happy. So, then, I need to be happy. I

am raising three children and they deserve a happy mother. What do I do with

the guilt of pursuing my own happiness, at the expense of my mother???

December 27, 2011

Please put yourself first. You can't make anyone else happy.

> **

>

> I am new to OZ. I was raised soley by my bpd mother...father left when I

> was 3. I am now 42, single again, and have 3 children. I have been in and

> out of therapy. I have made decisions in my life in an effort to please my

> mother, but caused myself pain and destruction. About a month ago, I

> realized that I have been making choices throughout my life in an effort to

> gain my mother's approval, even though it clearly sabotoged my own life.

> Now I finally realize that I will never get her approval and I need to make

> my own decisions, even if she completely disapproves and warns me that she

> is sick and going to die because " I don't love her. " She rejects my

> boyfriend of two years and says that if I loved her, I would leave him. She

> refuses to allow him at her home and rejects him completely. She claims

> that I love him more than her. I can no longer bear the pain and guilt of

> the effects of the decisions that I make in my life. I still love my

> mother. But, I have spent 42 years MISERABLE! And now, I want happiness in

> my life. No more drama. I can't take anymore of the drama and accusations.

> So, even though she only lives a few blocks away, I don't care to see her.

> Of course, this brings great guilt. Which I don't want to have. But, I

> honestly feel that if I don't separate myself from her, I will continue to

> destroy every relationship in my life in order to attempt to please her and

> make HER happy. What about my happiness??? Don't I matter just a little?

> It's definitely a challenge to begin to set boundaries at age 42. It's

> definitely with a heavy heart, that I place the necessary distance between

> me and my mother. But I don't know what else to do. I don't think that I

> will ever do anything that pleases her or makes her happy. So, then, I need

> to be happy. I am raising three children and they deserve a happy mother.

> What do I do with the guilt of pursuing my own happiness, at the expense of

> my mother???

>

December 28, 2011

Wow, this completely described me 100%!! The only difference is that since

I'm still only 19, I obviously haven't lived as long of a life and spent as

much time as you have trying to please your mom instead of yourself. I

guess I should consider myself lucky for noticing that in myself at such a

young age, rather than later down the road when I'm an older adult and

could potentially have more regrets than I do now. Either way, I ask myself

these same questions every single day. What about my happiness? How do I

deal with the guilt of pursuing my happiness at the expense of my mother? I

am pretty young and my life is just beginning, I do not want the regrets of

spending my whole life trying to gain my mothers approval instead of being

happy, especially since I know I will NEVER get her approval.

I, too, have a boyfriend I've been with for over a year now and my mom also

says I love him more than her and she refuses to have anything to do with

him or his family. She has met him but she will NOT meet his parents. I've

spent holidays and breaks with his family and I've met all his extended

family, etc, but my mom won't even shake hands with his parents. It's sad

and embarrassing. My mom also says things like she's going to die because

" I don't love her. " When you said that in your post I actually laughed a

little bit because it's identical to my mom! I feel extreme guilt and

oftentimes pain because I make decisions based on what I want to do and

what will make ME happy rather than what my mom wants, and I don't know how

to deal with it either.