Nada is trying to put the kids in the middle

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others. I am two

years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents who I suspect

also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have done to me in the

past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have custody of my children.

The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD – Queen

type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was final I have

heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When my ex-in-laws

called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint was true, and told

me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with her the last two months.

I didn't give her a reason, justification or statement that that was what I was

doing I just did it.

She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id so I don't

answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the kids and me as

she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't replied but at the

suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a letter to her, which

initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been thinking about it simply to

have my voice and say the things that I feel I need to say to her.

Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In both cards

she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the older one her

phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the cards before the kids

read what she had written and read to them the message, but limiting it to the

appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff about that they should call her. The

kids were looking at other gifts so I as then able to walk away with the cards

so they can't read them.

Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new level. I'm so

angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try to drag the kids

into this especially since they are young.

I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids out of all

of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during the divorce; they

have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last couple of years; and I

never speak badly about any of them in front of my kids. My kids are young

(elementary school age) and they don't need to be part of any of this; they have

suffered enough when their BPD father lived with us as he was verbally and

physically abuse to them. (When I told nada about him physically abusing my

older child she commented that he must have done something to deserve it). They

don't need my nada putting them in the middle of our issues.

I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it and so I

end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs would just go

away and leave my children and me alone.

[Guest guest]

(((((SW)))))

I'm so sorry you are in continuous defense mode RE toxic, hostile in-laws, your

ex, and your own nada; you sound like a fine mom and you are protecting your

kids from being impacted by their abusive, hostile behaviors.

It must be very, very difficult to have no one in your family who is healthy and

emotionally supportive. You will find emotional support and understanding here,

with fellow " KO " s, the non-pd adult children of personality-disordered parents.

You've found a group that truly " gets where you're coming from. "

-Annie

>

>

> I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others. I am two

years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents who I suspect

also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have done to me in the

past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have custody of my children.

The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

>

> In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD – Queen

type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was final I have

heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When my ex-in-laws

called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint was true, and told

me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with her the last two months.

I didn't give her a reason, justification or statement that that was what I was

doing I just did it.

>

> She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id so I

don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the kids and

me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't replied but at the

suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a letter to her, which

initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been thinking about it simply to

have my voice and say the things that I feel I need to say to her.

>

> Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In both

cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the older one

her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the cards before the

kids read what she had written and read to them the message, but limiting it to

the appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff about that they should call her.

The kids were looking at other gifts so I as then able to walk away with the

cards so they can't read them.

>

> Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new level. I'm

so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try to drag the

kids into this especially since they are young.

>

> I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids out of

all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during the divorce;

they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last couple of years;

and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my kids. My kids are young

(elementary school age) and they don't need to be part of any of this; they have

suffered enough when their BPD father lived with us as he was verbally and

physically abuse to them. (When I told nada about him physically abusing my

older child she commented that he must have done something to deserve it). They

don't need my nada putting them in the middle of our issues.

>

> I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it and so I

end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs would just go

away and leave my children and me alone.

>

[Guest guest]

I know you have tried very hard it seems to protect your children from the

viciousness of their fada and Grandparents, but I bet they know more than you

think. I hope they have minimal contact with them. I am starting to tell my son

about my nada, his grandma and it isn't fun or easy, but if these children HAVE

to interact with them for some reason, then you need to arm them with ways to

protect themselves. I hope you have someone involved in family court that will

listen to you and your ideas about BPD and if their is any way to limit or even

eliminate contact with them. I know of a good book that was recommended for

younger children, I think it is called " An Umbrella for " Another that I

heard about here was for older kids like my son,12, called, " just Because You

are Big You Think You are Right " as any book, you want to read it yourself and

use it as a tool for talking to your own children.

C

>

>

> I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others. I am two

years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents who I suspect

also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have done to me in the

past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have custody of my children.

The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

>

> In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD – Queen

type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was final I have

heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When my ex-in-laws

called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint was true, and told

me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with her the last two months.

I didn't give her a reason, justification or statement that that was what I was

doing I just did it.

>

> She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id so I

don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the kids and

me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't replied but at the

suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a letter to her, which

initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been thinking about it simply to

have my voice and say the things that I feel I need to say to her.

>

> Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In both

cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the older one

her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the cards before the

kids read what she had written and read to them the message, but limiting it to

the appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff about that they should call her.

The kids were looking at other gifts so I as then able to walk away with the

cards so they can't read them.

>

> Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new level. I'm

so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try to drag the

kids into this especially since they are young.

>

> I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids out of

all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during the divorce;

they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last couple of years;

and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my kids. My kids are young

(elementary school age) and they don't need to be part of any of this; they have

suffered enough when their BPD father lived with us as he was verbally and

physically abuse to them. (When I told nada about him physically abusing my

older child she commented that he must have done something to deserve it). They

don't need my nada putting them in the middle of our issues.

>

> I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it and so I

end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs would just go

away and leave my children and me alone.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your reply. My kids have very limited contact with any of them.

Their fada has supervised visits and was seeing them once a week because I was

supervising the visits. I decided that that wasn't good for me, and gave him too

much power and control in my life so I told him that we needed to have an

outside agency supervise the visits, as of yet he is on the waiting list as they

are overwhelmed by the need to provide the service, so they haven't seen much of

fada for the last couple of months.

They don't see the grandparents they all live either in another city several

hours away or in another state . I do realize that as much as I try to protect

them they know more that I realize. The kids both go to therapy (much to my

nada's dismay, she doesn't like that any of us go to therapy) and their

therapist has met their fada. Thank you for the book titles I'll check them out.

My older child 8 I think already has some ideas about my nada, there are times

when he will ask me about, " Mom when you were a little girl did you ______ " , and

when I answer him honestly he will often comment, " That's mean, Grandma wasn't

very nice to you. " so I think he has some ideas about my nada.

struggling wife

> I know you have tried very hard it seems to protect your children from the

viciousness of their fada and Grandparents, but I bet they know more than you

think. I hope they have minimal contact with them. I am starting to tell my son

about my nada, his grandma and it isn't fun or easy, but if these children HAVE

to interact with them for some reason, then you need to arm them with ways to

protect themselves. I hope you have someone involved in family court that will

listen to you and your ideas about BPD and if their is any way to limit or even

eliminate contact with them. I know of a good book that was recommended for

younger children, I think it is called " An Umbrella for " Another that I

heard about here was for older kids like my son,12, called, " just Because You

are Big You Think You are Right " as any book, you want to read it yourself and

use it as a tool for talking to your own children.

>

> C

>

>

> >

> >

> > I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others. I am

two years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents who I

suspect also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have done to me

in the past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have custody of my

children. The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

> >

> > In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD –

Queen type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was final I

have heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When my ex-in-laws

called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint was true, and told

me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with her the last two months.

I didn't give her a reason, justification or statement that that was what I was

doing I just did it.

> >

> > She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id so I

don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the kids and

me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't replied but at the

suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a letter to her, which

initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been thinking about it simply to

have my voice and say the things that I feel I need to say to her.

> >

> > Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In both

cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the older one

her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the cards before the

kids read what she had written and read to them the message, but limiting it to

the appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff about that they should call her.

The kids were looking at other gifts so I as then able to walk away with the

cards so they can't read them.

> >

> > Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new level. I'm

so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try to drag the

kids into this especially since they are young.

> >

> > I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids out of

all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during the divorce;

they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last couple of years;

and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my kids. My kids are young

(elementary school age) and they don't need to be part of any of this; they have

suffered enough when their BPD father lived with us as he was verbally and

physically abuse to them. (When I told nada about him physically abusing my

older child she commented that he must have done something to deserve it). They

don't need my nada putting them in the middle of our issues.

> >

> > I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it and so

I end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs would just

go away and leave my children and me alone.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Another good book, by the same author as " Just Because You're Big...... "

is called " The Geranium on the Window Sill Died, But the Teacher Went on

Talking, " Both books deal with discordant and disfunctional adult/child

interactions, in brief, two page spreads, with fabulous graphics! They are

great for helping kids (and adults) identify and discuss a variety of

issues. I really learned a lot about our child, just by making the books

available to our child, and then just listening to him identify teachers,

family members, etc., with incidents depicted on these pages. I was both

heart broken, and deeply relieved at the depth of understanding and

experience my child was processing, even at such an early age. Most people

with whom I have spoken, who have used these books say they have had

similar experiences, although a very few have been disturbed by the images.

The kids, however seem to really relate to them, such as the picture of the

woman, who uses her words, like a machine-gun, viciously destroying

everyone within range.

BPD, or any Pd for that matter, is soooooo complex, and confusing. When

my child was a preteen, we had the film " Gaslight " on one evening, as

wallpaper during a project we were finishing. I wasn't even sure my child

was paying attention to the film, until my kiddo said, " that's kind of what

Grandma does. " I asked him to tell me more about it, and got an earfull. He

told me about how she acts all nice, and lovey, but is really doing things

that are going to cause him to be in trouble with Grandpa, and how she

wants to be the person everyone has to go through, in order to get to talk

with any other family member. He went on, to tell me that sometimes she

doesn't tell the truth about things she has said, and done. He said he felt

like she makes Grandpa think that he doesn't tell the truth, and whats the

point of telling the truth if no-one believes you? and that sometimes, she

says things to him, that he doesn't think a grandma should be saying to, or

telling a grandchild. " I don't have the words to describe how hurt for him

I felt at that moment.

My guess is that there must be other films that address these issues,

that might be suitable, for pre teens, and teens, I believe there is an

Alfred Hitchcock film,(the title of which I have forgotten, sorry...)

wherein an uncle comes to visit his sisters family, and enchants his niece,

who slowly becomes aware that this wonderful, delightful relative may in

fact be a murderer, and has her in his sites. For preteen/teenage girls,

Leave Her to Heaven is another great vintage film, depicting the

devastation and chaos caused by BPD, is terrific. I don't think boys would

enjoy it, tho.

Maybe we need to get a list together of cinema-therapy films,

appropriate for various ages!

One of the best books I have read, for adults, is " Evil Genes " by Barbara

Oakley. Simply phenomenal, I couldn't put it down!

Best of Luck, Sunspot

On Thu, Dec 29, 2011 at 10:13 AM, strugglingwife

wrote:

> Thank you for your reply. My kids have very limited contact with any of

> them. Their fada has supervised visits and was seeing them once a week

> because I was supervising the visits. I decided that that wasn't good for

> me, and gave him too much power and control in my life so I told him that

> we needed to have an outside agency supervise the visits, as of yet he is

> on the waiting list as they are overwhelmed by the need to provide the

> service, so they haven't seen much of fada for the last couple of months.

>

> They don't see the grandparents they all live either in another city

> several hours away or in another state . I do realize that as much as I try

> to protect them they know more that I realize. The kids both go to therapy

> (much to my nada's dismay, she doesn't like that any of us go to therapy)

> and their therapist has met their fada. Thank you for the book titles I'll

> check them out. My older child 8 I think already has some ideas about my

> nada, there are times when he will ask me about, " Mom when you were a

> little girl did you ______ " , and when I answer him honestly he will often

> comment, " That's mean, Grandma wasn't very nice to you. " so I think he has

> some ideas about my nada.

>

> struggling wife

>

>

>

> > I know you have tried very hard it seems to protect your children from

> the viciousness of their fada and Grandparents, but I bet they know more

> than you think. I hope they have minimal contact with them. I am starting

> to tell my son about my nada, his grandma and it isn't fun or easy, but if

> these children HAVE to interact with them for some reason, then you need to

> arm them with ways to protect themselves. I hope you have someone involved

> in family court that will listen to you and your ideas about BPD and if

> their is any way to limit or even eliminate contact with them. I know of a

> good book that was recommended for younger children, I think it is called

> " An Umbrella for " Another that I heard about here was for older kids

> like my son,12, called, " just Because You are Big You Think You are Right "

> as any book, you want to read it yourself and use it as a tool for talking

> to your own children.

> >

> > C

> >

> >

> > >

> > >

> > > I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others.

> I am two years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents

> who I suspect also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have

> done to me in the past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have

> custody of my children. The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

> > >

> > > In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD

> – Queen type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was

> final I have heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When

> my ex-in-laws called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint

> was true, and told me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with

> her the last two months. I didn't give her a reason, justification or

> statement that that was what I was doing I just did it.

> > >

> > > She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id

> so I don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the

> kids and me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't

> replied but at the suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a

> letter to her, which initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been

> thinking about it simply to have my voice and say the things that I feel I

> need to say to her.

> > >

> > > Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In

> both cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the

> older one her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the

> cards before the kids read what she had written and read to them the

> message, but limiting it to the appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff

> about that they should call her. The kids were looking at other gifts so I

> as then able to walk away with the cards so they can't read them.

> > >

> > > Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new

> level. I'm so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try

> to drag the kids into this especially since they are young.

> > >

> > > I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids

> out of all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during

> the divorce; they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last

> couple of years; and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my

> kids. My kids are young (elementary school age) and they don't need to be

> part of any of this; they have suffered enough when their BPD father lived

> with us as he was verbally and physically abuse to them. (When I told nada

> about him physically abusing my older child she commented that he must have

> done something to deserve it). They don't need my nada putting them in the

> middle of our issues.

> > >

> > > I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it

> and so I end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs

> would just go away and leave my children and me alone.

> > >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The old Bette film 'Now Voyager " really resonated with me, but that's a

" girl " film too.

If I can think of some " boy " films, I'll post them.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others.

> > I am two years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his parents

> > who I suspect also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they have

> > done to me in the past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have

> > custody of my children. The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all evil.

> > > >

> > > > In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD

> > – Queen type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was

> > final I have heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When

> > my ex-in-laws called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the complaint

> > was true, and told me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with

> > her the last two months. I didn't give her a reason, justification or

> > statement that that was what I was doing I just did it.

> > > >

> > > > She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id

> > so I don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the

> > kids and me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't

> > replied but at the suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a

> > letter to her, which initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been

> > thinking about it simply to have my voice and say the things that I feel I

> > need to say to her.

> > > >

> > > > Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In

> > both cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the

> > older one her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the

> > cards before the kids read what she had written and read to them the

> > message, but limiting it to the appropriate parts and leaving out the stuff

> > about that they should call her. The kids were looking at other gifts so I

> > as then able to walk away with the cards so they can't read them.

> > > >

> > > > Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new

> > level. I'm so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to try

> > to drag the kids into this especially since they are young.

> > > >

> > > > I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids

> > out of all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during

> > the divorce; they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the last

> > couple of years; and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my

> > kids. My kids are young (elementary school age) and they don't need to be

> > part of any of this; they have suffered enough when their BPD father lived

> > with us as he was verbally and physically abuse to them. (When I told nada

> > about him physically abusing my older child she commented that he must have

> > done something to deserve it). They don't need my nada putting them in the

> > middle of our issues.

> > > >

> > > > I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it

> > and so I end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs

> > would just go away and leave my children and me alone.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

a children's movie that struck a chord for me is " tangled "

funny how much this nurturing villain is like my NADA.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I haven't posted on here before just lurked and read posts of others.

> > > I am two years out of my marriage with my ex-BPDH. I am NC with his

parents

> > > who I suspect also have BPD or NPD because of the horrible things they

have

> > > done to me in the past two years including calling CPS on me, as I have

> > > custody of my children. The ex-in-laws have split me and see me as all

evil.

> > > > >

> > > > > In dealing with my ex I've come to learn that my nada probably has BPD

> > > – Queen type too. Repeatedly over the lat two years until the divorce was

> > > final I have heard poor him from my nada, and how it is all my fault. When

> > > my ex-in-laws called CPS my nada indirectly stated to me that the

complaint

> > > was true, and told me to be sweet and nice to them; so I have gone NC with

> > > her the last two months. I didn't give her a reason, justification or

> > > statement that that was what I was doing I just did it.

> > > > >

> > > > > She has called my house several times and thankfully I have caller id

> > > so I don't answer. She sent me a note and said she was concerned about the

> > > kids and me as she has called and hasn't gotten a call back. I haven't

> > > replied but at the suggestion of my therapist I have been working on a

> > > letter to her, which initially I wasn't planning on sending, but had been

> > > thinking about it simply to have my voice and say the things that I feel I

> > > need to say to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada sent the kids cards, with gift cards inside for the holidays. In

> > > both cards she tells the kids to call her and goes so far as to give the

> > > older one her phone number so he can, " Call me! " Luckily I picked up the

> > > cards before the kids read what she had written and read to them the

> > > message, but limiting it to the appropriate parts and leaving out the

stuff

> > > about that they should call her. The kids were looking at other gifts so I

> > > as then able to walk away with the cards so they can't read them.

> > > > >

> > > > > Wow I can't believe she did this even for her that reaching a new

> > > level. I'm so angry with her right now, how dare she. It is so wrong to

try

> > > to drag the kids into this especially since they are young.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have worked really hard over the last several years to keep my kids

> > > out of all of it, they have no idea what their BPD father has done during

> > > the divorce; they have no idea about what the ex-in-laws have done the

last

> > > couple of years; and I never speak badly about any of them in front of my

> > > kids. My kids are young (elementary school age) and they don't need to be

> > > part of any of this; they have suffered enough when their BPD father lived

> > > with us as he was verbally and physically abuse to them. (When I told nada

> > > about him physically abusing my older child she commented that he must

have

> > > done something to deserve it). They don't need my nada putting them in the

> > > middle of our issues.

> > > > >

> > > > > I talk with my friends about all of this but they don't really get it

> > > and so I end up feeling alone in all of this. I really wish all these BPDs

> > > would just go away and leave my children and me alone.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >