Re: this one specific thing drives me insane

[Guest guest]

Its so frustrating to be trapped in a " no-win " situation, as you are. Are you

having any luck taking any steps, even little baby steps, toward extricating

yourself?

In my opinion, the more you can detach emotionally from your toxic parents and

brother and sil, the better; you deserve to have as emotionally healthy,

fulfilling and satisfying a life as possible. But its nearly impossible to

become emotionally detached, un-enmeshed, and serenely disinterested in your

toxic foo when you are still living with them.

I hope you can soon find work and a new place of your own to move into; staying

in your parent's home is just making you more and more miserable and enmeshed

with them, seems to me. Trying to figure them out, trying to make them

understand their behaviors, trying to get them to behave differently toward you,

is an exercise in futility, in my opinion. There is no point in ruminating

about how horrible they are if its not accomplishing anything positive for you,

and instead is making you more upset and unhappy.

Is your therapist giving you some tools/techniques to help you emotionally

detach from them and move forward with your own, separate and joyful life? I

hope so!

Each of us has to figure out what will work for us, as individuals. Each of us

is unique, and we each have a unique set of circumstances to deal with. I hope

you find a path toward healing and happiness sooner rather than later.

-Annie

>

> so my parents got back in town today and already I am nuts. I am wondering if

anyone else here has a mother who does this:

>

> Nada has a problem with someone, anyone. She comes to me and unloads her

feelings about it. In the past I have reacted and defended her and stood up for

her and it has caused problems with me and the other person. Suddenly, she no

longer has a problem with that person, *I* have a problem with that person, and

if I ever say anything about them, she defends THEM. And, if I call her out on

her original problem, she will say it is *me* that is negative or unforgiving

or, the classic, my favorite, has a " heart full of hatred " , and that SHE is now

caught in the middle between the person SHE originally had the problem with,

and me.

>

> Why am I not in an insane asylum...

>

> It is coming up for me bigtime right now. I feel not only exploited by this

behavior, but abandoned too. Because inevitably SHE progresses on and gets to

keep an amicable relationship with the person (my SIL, fada, my sister, whoever

is victimizing her that day) and I, thereafter, have a damaged, tense,

resentment filled relationship with them. I really hate her at this moment...and

it has been a really nice few days without having to communicate with her. I

want more than anything to be free of her and her sh*tty excuse for parenting

behavior, and her exploitation. I know I am a chump for even falling for it and

continuing to commiserate with her, it's just so bizarre to me that I fall for

it EVERY time, even though I end up full of loathing when she ends up being

tight with that person and stabs me in the back. Thanks for letting me vent, I

will be clinging to this board like a life preserver since there is no therapy

apt. for me this week.

>

[Guest guest]

This is all very hard for you. The thought of leaving your nephew in that

environment is triggering your own feelings of abandonment. No one saved you,

was there for you, so you are projecting all those feelings onto your nephew.

But the bottom line is that he isn't you. He may have a whole different make up

that allows him to not internalize the abuse his parents and grandparents dole

out. And because he has an extended family living under the same roof, he will

have more people he can go to that can meet his needs. Unlike you, who simply

had nada and fada.

I understand you feel torn about leaving them, those precious babies. But I am

afraid you are denying yourself by putting their needs over your needs to get

independent and safe.

You don't know what the future will hold. If for any reason CPS decides to pull

the children out of the home it would behoove you to be set up as that stable,

healthy aunt that can be turned to for their aid.

Bless you for having such a big heart. Now focus all that love and care on

yourself, and here's a great big HUG from me, too!

> > >

> > > so my parents got back in town today and already I am nuts. I am wondering

if anyone else here has a mother who does this:

> > >

> > > Nada has a problem with someone, anyone. She comes to me and unloads her

feelings about it. In the past I have reacted and defended her and stood up for

her and it has caused problems with me and the other person. Suddenly, she no

longer has a problem with that person, *I* have a problem with that person, and

if I ever say anything about them, she defends THEM. And, if I call her out on

her original problem, she will say it is *me* that is negative or unforgiving

or, the classic, my favorite, has a " heart full of hatred " , and that SHE is now

caught in the middle between the person SHE originally had the problem with,

and me.

> > >

> > > Why am I not in an insane asylum...

> > >

> > > It is coming up for me bigtime right now. I feel not only exploited by

this behavior, but abandoned too. Because inevitably SHE progresses on and gets

to keep an amicable relationship with the person (my SIL, fada, my sister,

whoever is victimizing her that day) and I, thereafter, have a damaged, tense,

resentment filled relationship with them. I really hate her at this moment...and

it has been a really nice few days without having to communicate with her. I

want more than anything to be free of her and her sh*tty excuse for parenting

behavior, and her exploitation. I know I am a chump for even falling for it and

continuing to commiserate with her, it's just so bizarre to me that I fall for

it EVERY time, even though I end up full of loathing when she ends up being

tight with that person and stabs me in the back. Thanks for letting me vent, I

will be clinging to this board like a life preserver since there is no therapy

apt. for me this week.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

WARNING THIS POST DESCRIBES A VIOLENT EVENT BETWEEN MYSELF AND NADA...If this

kind of stuff triggers you, don't read on.

I have something I say about some of the crap my nada pulled on me...If I hadn't

been there and witnessed it my self, I would believe her too!! Let me describe

an event...

The summer before my senior year I was reaching the end of a volatile

relationship with my BF, Doug. Nada DETESTED Doug and would just about blow a

gasket anytime he came around. He could have given Nada lessons in how to be a

better manipulator.

Doug pulled up and parked across the street and nada spotted him and started

losing it. I tried to placate her as she is screaming that she is gonna call the

cops, ect. I told her to calm down and that I would go out and get rid of him. I

got him to leave and came back into the house to use the bathroom. When I come

out of the bathroom, nada is waiting with my dad's leather belt in her hand. Me

" mom, I got rid of him, he isn't here, why don't I go out to the garage with dad

and hang out there while you calm down? Mom, I'm gonna go out to the garage,

okay? Don't hit me, okay? " I start easing past her but I'm watching her out of

the corner of my eye and sure enough, she pulls her arm back to strike me with

the belt. this is not the first time, but this time something inside me just

snaps. I did what she wanted, I got rid of Doug and I'm almost SEVENTEEN years

old and she is going to try to beat me AGAIN?!! I just pulled my arm back and

punched her in the face. I had been wearing my engagement ring on my right hand

that day because I was at the pool and it was a little loose on my left finger.

I hit her so hard, I knocked the diamond out of its setting.

A few minutes later I'm trying to tell my dad what happened and she is standing

there screaming at him about how I just hauled off and punched her for no

reason!!!! Are you effing kidding me? I was so furious that I just

screamed... " you Effing lying B!+@# " and lunged at her. My poor father is

thinking we have both lost our minds or maybe he is just shocked because he has

never seen me so furious.

I still look at that incident and remember how convincing she was and how I

would have believed her too. She had done this so many times. When I was younger

and didn't really understand what was wrong with her there were times that she

could even convince ME that she was right and my own memory was wrong. She has

convinced so much of her family that my brother and I are the problem and that

she was always a loving mother and that my brother has a problem and is angry

not due to her abuse but another person.

Even knowing all I do about her and what is wrong with her, I can forget to

treat her like a person whose word CANNOT be taken at face value.

She convinced me to punish my own 3 y/o son for playing with a mini ceramic tea

set after she had told him not to touch it. Thank God my son was extremely

articulate for his age and was brave enough to later tell me this... " mommy, I'm

sorry I played with gramma Jane's little dishes, but she had given them to me

and WAS letting me play with them until I dropped one of the dishes and then she

put them back on the shelf (a shelf right at his chest level) and said not to

play with them anymore, but I just forgot! "

This was a lesson to me that even for her supposedly beloved only grandchild,

she will only tell the part that makes her look good and that there is most

certainly more to the story than what I hear from her lips. I will never again

take ANYTHING that woman says at face value when she is trying to enlist me to

defend her or to punish my child ect. I think I am more angry about this than

any of the stuff that she ever did to me.

Hope this helps you put some perspective on things.

Carla

>

>

> Thanks Annie, i love the terminology of 'serene disinterest', I think that has

a beautiful ring to it.

>

> Right now because I am so new to therapy my therapist is just working on

validation because she says I never got ANY validation about any of this. It

hardly seems possible to me, looking back, after all of the therapists and all

the years in twelve step. I really focused on making amends and trying to make

the relationships better. It has only been in the last six months, seeing my

mothers' behavior around the children here, and realizing my mother is just as

ineffectual, minimizing, and in flight from their reality as she was from mine,

that I have actually been able to let go and realize she actually did lie to me

all these years and it really WASN'T me this whole time. The stories right now

are just spilling out of me and when i start to censor myself the therapist

tells me just to say whatever I need to say and get it out. Eventually she plans

to do trauma work with me but she says that I have been pushing everything down

for so long that she wants to take it slow and let this stuff kind of spill out

of me at first for a while.

>

> So in essence I guess I would love to know there is someone out there whose

nada does that same thing. It makes me feel insane. I am still new to this

knowledge, like I said, that I am not. I have been here posting a couple times

before, but not before the big breakthrough, of watching nada NOT defend and NOT

intervene for these children. That for me was the final confirmation...it wasn't

just that I wasn't worth it, it was that NO ONE is worth it to her, to make

herself uncomfortable enough.

>

> I explained in another post she keeps putting off her retirement and I am

hesitant to leave while she is still working; it has gone from April, to

November, to now January...I don't want to leave with just my father around to

watch the 3 year old in the afternoons. I think at least by January, even if she

doesn't retire, the 2 year old will not be taking afternoon naps anymore (I hope

anyway) and SIL won't have an excuse to lay her butt down and sleep for 3 hours.

My dad just is not the person to be caring for a 3 year old little kid, he's not

patient, he's harsh and acts like a jerk sometimes. Nada of course, doesn't

care...she is waiting til january supposedly for benefits, something about her

retirement benefit, some extra money or something if she waits the extra two

months after her birthday. By that time I should have my ducks in a row and if

she hedges again I will probably just have to say oh well and go, even though

it's not a great situation. It is really tough, though, I love this kid like my

own and he is the closest thing that I will ever have probably to a child of my

own. If I go NC when I leave that means...well, it's emotional, the whole

thing.

[Guest guest]

Its eerie how similar the behaviors of our various nadas can be, sometimes.

Your description of how your nada cornered you and was going to hit you with the

belt did trigger anxiety feelings for me.

And your description of how she twisted the truth and told half-truths to make

herself out to be the victim, how she'd threaten you and goad you into

protecting yourself and then make you out to be the villain... I have

experienced those things, and felt like I was the crazy one.

Bpd really is a serious mental illness, and no child should have to be subjected

to the highly toxic and damaging behaviors, and endure repeated trauma at the

hands of the person who is entrusted to care for her/him.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > Thanks Annie, i love the terminology of 'serene disinterest', I think that

has a beautiful ring to it.

> >

> > Right now because I am so new to therapy my therapist is just working on

validation because she says I never got ANY validation about any of this. It

hardly seems possible to me, looking back, after all of the therapists and all

the years in twelve step. I really focused on making amends and trying to make

the relationships better. It has only been in the last six months, seeing my

mothers' behavior around the children here, and realizing my mother is just as

ineffectual, minimizing, and in flight from their reality as she was from mine,

that I have actually been able to let go and realize she actually did lie to me

all these years and it really WASN'T me this whole time. The stories right now

are just spilling out of me and when i start to censor myself the therapist

tells me just to say whatever I need to say and get it out. Eventually she plans

to do trauma work with me but she says that I have been pushing everything down

for so long that she wants to take it slow and let this stuff kind of spill out

of me at first for a while.

> >

> > So in essence I guess I would love to know there is someone out there whose

nada does that same thing. It makes me feel insane. I am still new to this

knowledge, like I said, that I am not. I have been here posting a couple times

before, but not before the big breakthrough, of watching nada NOT defend and NOT

intervene for these children. That for me was the final confirmation...it wasn't

just that I wasn't worth it, it was that NO ONE is worth it to her, to make

herself uncomfortable enough.

> >

> > I explained in another post she keeps putting off her retirement and I am

hesitant to leave while she is still working; it has gone from April, to

November, to now January...I don't want to leave with just my father around to

watch the 3 year old in the afternoons. I think at least by January, even if she

doesn't retire, the 2 year old will not be taking afternoon naps anymore (I hope

anyway) and SIL won't have an excuse to lay her butt down and sleep for 3 hours.

My dad just is not the person to be caring for a 3 year old little kid, he's not

patient, he's harsh and acts like a jerk sometimes. Nada of course, doesn't

care...she is waiting til january supposedly for benefits, something about her

retirement benefit, some extra money or something if she waits the extra two

months after her birthday. By that time I should have my ducks in a row and if

she hedges again I will probably just have to say oh well and go, even though

it's not a great situation. It is really tough, though, I love this kid like my

own and he is the closest thing that I will ever have probably to a child of my

own. If I go NC when I leave that means...well, it's emotional, the whole

thing.

>

[Guest guest]

And let us not forget how they love to do the adult version of cornering us...in

the car on a trip with them! Then they pounce thinking we can't get away from

their tirade.

> > >

> > >

> > > Thanks Annie, i love the terminology of 'serene disinterest', I think that

has a beautiful ring to it.

> > >

> > > Right now because I am so new to therapy my therapist is just working on

validation because she says I never got ANY validation about any of this. It

hardly seems possible to me, looking back, after all of the therapists and all

the years in twelve step. I really focused on making amends and trying to make

the relationships better. It has only been in the last six months, seeing my

mothers' behavior around the children here, and realizing my mother is just as

ineffectual, minimizing, and in flight from their reality as she was from mine,

that I have actually been able to let go and realize she actually did lie to me

all these years and it really WASN'T me this whole time. The stories right now

are just spilling out of me and when i start to censor myself the therapist

tells me just to say whatever I need to say and get it out. Eventually she plans

to do trauma work with me but she says that I have been pushing everything down

for so long that she wants to take it slow and let this stuff kind of spill out

of me at first for a while.

> > >

> > > So in essence I guess I would love to know there is someone out there

whose nada does that same thing. It makes me feel insane. I am still new to this

knowledge, like I said, that I am not. I have been here posting a couple times

before, but not before the big breakthrough, of watching nada NOT defend and NOT

intervene for these children. That for me was the final confirmation...it wasn't

just that I wasn't worth it, it was that NO ONE is worth it to her, to make

herself uncomfortable enough.

> > >

> > > I explained in another post she keeps putting off her retirement and I am

hesitant to leave while she is still working; it has gone from April, to

November, to now January...I don't want to leave with just my father around to

watch the 3 year old in the afternoons. I think at least by January, even if she

doesn't retire, the 2 year old will not be taking afternoon naps anymore (I hope

anyway) and SIL won't have an excuse to lay her butt down and sleep for 3 hours.

My dad just is not the person to be caring for a 3 year old little kid, he's not

patient, he's harsh and acts like a jerk sometimes. Nada of course, doesn't

care...she is waiting til january supposedly for benefits, something about her

retirement benefit, some extra money or something if she waits the extra two

months after her birthday. By that time I should have my ducks in a row and if

she hedges again I will probably just have to say oh well and go, even though

it's not a great situation. It is really tough, though, I love this kid like my

own and he is the closest thing that I will ever have probably to a child of my

own. If I go NC when I leave that means...well, it's emotional, the whole

thing.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks Carla.

I am kind of 'right there' thinking about this right now.

That sounds awful what you went through...it makes me really sad to think about.

I think when it comes to the battery stuff the roles were kind of reversed, my

dad was the more violent one.

I really wonder how many of these dishrag dads were beaten and abused as

children. Because my mother was and she has those mental blank spots that 'x'

out any abuse my father did. Her abuse of me has been mostly psychological

though she was a slapper and she slapped me a lot.

I try to make sense of her behavior and I can't. Since I wrote this post I have

been thinking about a lot of the 'witch' behaviors that I had forgotten

about...things she would say or do. Stuff I really had not remembered the prior

times I'd been here. Mostly all verbal.

Yeah, it helped also reading what one person had posted about how when you show

individuality they take it as rejection. I realize that to my mother both my

sister and I are nothing but mirrors to her of what she 'might have been'. She

is at root a very jealous person. She got pregant when she was 20 and has been

married and miserable every since. She won't admit to herself she's miserable

though, though I recently found a letter from her to me when from 24 years ago

talking about my father and his heart, she has harped on him having heart

attacks which I believe she secretly is wishing for to free her from this

marriage she won't leave because it's all she has. But she sees my sister and I

as competition and reminders of her potential rather than real people. It's very

confusing because she is amicable but so many of the things she says are just

laced with ill intentions or negative vibes. I have spent my entire life

completely confused about this woman, and not even knowing exactly what it is i

lack, so that I can fill the hole. It's weird to know that in some way you are

in lack and not know what it is you are missing.

Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs.

> >

> >

> > Thanks Annie, i love the terminology of 'serene disinterest', I think that

has a beautiful ring to it.

> >

> > Right now because I am so new to therapy my therapist is just working on

validation because she says I never got ANY validation about any of this. It

hardly seems possible to me, looking back, after all of the therapists and all

the years in twelve step. I really focused on making amends and trying to make

the relationships better. It has only been in the last six months, seeing my

mothers' behavior around the children here, and realizing my mother is just as

ineffectual, minimizing, and in flight from their reality as she was from mine,

that I have actually been able to let go and realize she actually did lie to me

all these years and it really WASN'T me this whole time. The stories right now

are just spilling out of me and when i start to censor myself the therapist

tells me just to say whatever I need to say and get it out. Eventually she plans

to do trauma work with me but she says that I have been pushing everything down

for so long that she wants to take it slow and let this stuff kind of spill out

of me at first for a while.

> >

> > So in essence I guess I would love to know there is someone out there whose

nada does that same thing. It makes me feel insane. I am still new to this

knowledge, like I said, that I am not. I have been here posting a couple times

before, but not before the big breakthrough, of watching nada NOT defend and NOT

intervene for these children. That for me was the final confirmation...it wasn't

just that I wasn't worth it, it was that NO ONE is worth it to her, to make

herself uncomfortable enough.

> >

> > I explained in another post she keeps putting off her retirement and I am

hesitant to leave while she is still working; it has gone from April, to

November, to now January...I don't want to leave with just my father around to

watch the 3 year old in the afternoons. I think at least by January, even if she

doesn't retire, the 2 year old will not be taking afternoon naps anymore (I hope

anyway) and SIL won't have an excuse to lay her butt down and sleep for 3 hours.

My dad just is not the person to be caring for a 3 year old little kid, he's not

patient, he's harsh and acts like a jerk sometimes. Nada of course, doesn't

care...she is waiting til january supposedly for benefits, something about her

retirement benefit, some extra money or something if she waits the extra two

months after her birthday. By that time I should have my ducks in a row and if

she hedges again I will probably just have to say oh well and go, even though

it's not a great situation. It is really tough, though, I love this kid like my

own and he is the closest thing that I will ever have probably to a child of my

own. If I go NC when I leave that means...well, it's emotional, the whole

thing.

>

[Guest guest]

In retrospect, I think that is a factor in why I always had such a problem with

car-sickness as a child. I think my nada traumatized me so often when we were

in the car alone together that I became anxious and nauseous from anticipating

her triggering into a rage.

When she would become enraged at me while driving, it would scare the crap out

of me because she wanted to stare at me while screaming at me, so she wasn't

watching the road. She'd drive erratically, jerk the wheel to get back into her

lane, she wouldn't slow down, and I'd think that at any moment we were both

going to die. It was pure emotional torture.

My motion-sickness was less severe when all of us were in the car and dad was

driving; he was a very safe, calm driver. The motion-sickness might have had to

do with other things as well (poor eyesight that wasn't treated until I was

about 8, not being allowed to eat between meals when I was hungry so I might

have been having low blood sugar, which can cause nausea) but I think that just

the fear-factor was a contributor.

So, yes, being trapped in a car with one's nada is the equivalent of being

cornered by her as a small child, totally.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Thanks Annie, i love the terminology of 'serene disinterest', I think

that has a beautiful ring to it.

> > > >

> > > > Right now because I am so new to therapy my therapist is just working on

validation because she says I never got ANY validation about any of this. It

hardly seems possible to me, looking back, after all of the therapists and all

the years in twelve step. I really focused on making amends and trying to make

the relationships better. It has only been in the last six months, seeing my

mothers' behavior around the children here, and realizing my mother is just as

ineffectual, minimizing, and in flight from their reality as she was from mine,

that I have actually been able to let go and realize she actually did lie to me

all these years and it really WASN'T me this whole time. The stories right now

are just spilling out of me and when i start to censor myself the therapist

tells me just to say whatever I need to say and get it out. Eventually she plans

to do trauma work with me but she says that I have been pushing everything down

for so long that she wants to take it slow and let this stuff kind of spill out

of me at first for a while.

> > > >

> > > > So in essence I guess I would love to know there is someone out there

whose nada does that same thing. It makes me feel insane. I am still new to this

knowledge, like I said, that I am not. I have been here posting a couple times

before, but not before the big breakthrough, of watching nada NOT defend and NOT

intervene for these children. That for me was the final confirmation...it wasn't

just that I wasn't worth it, it was that NO ONE is worth it to her, to make

herself uncomfortable enough.

> > > >

> > > > I explained in another post she keeps putting off her retirement and I

am hesitant to leave while she is still working; it has gone from April, to

November, to now January...I don't want to leave with just my father around to

watch the 3 year old in the afternoons. I think at least by January, even if she

doesn't retire, the 2 year old will not be taking afternoon naps anymore (I hope

anyway) and SIL won't have an excuse to lay her butt down and sleep for 3 hours.

My dad just is not the person to be caring for a 3 year old little kid, he's not

patient, he's harsh and acts like a jerk sometimes. Nada of course, doesn't

care...she is waiting til january supposedly for benefits, something about her

retirement benefit, some extra money or something if she waits the extra two

months after her birthday. By that time I should have my ducks in a row and if

she hedges again I will probably just have to say oh well and go, even though

it's not a great situation. It is really tough, though, I love this kid like my

own and he is the closest thing that I will ever have probably to a child of my

own. If I go NC when I leave that means...well, it's emotional, the whole

thing.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks and thanks for that perspective on your nada too, that really helps. my

mother has gotten extremely religious in her later years so anything having to

do with any unpleasant emotion or thought is bad for her 'rep' as uber pious and

she I think divorces them onto other people. I liked her better before.

> > > >

> > > > so my parents got back in town today and already I am nuts. I am

> > wondering if anyone else here has a mother who does this:

> > > >

> > > > Nada has a problem with someone, anyone. She comes to me and unloads

> > her feelings about it. In the past I have reacted and defended her and stood

> > up for her and it has caused problems with me and the other person.

> > Suddenly, she no longer has a problem with that person, *I* have a problem

> > with that person, and if I ever say anything about them, she defends THEM.

> > And, if I call her out on her original problem, she will say it is *me* that

> > is negative or unforgiving or, the classic, my favorite, has a " heart full

> > of hatred " , and that SHE is now caught in the middle between the person SHE

> > originally had the problem with, and me.

> > > >

> > > > Why am I not in an insane asylum...

> > > >

> > > > It is coming up for me bigtime right now. I feel not only exploited by

> > this behavior, but abandoned too. Because inevitably SHE progresses on and

> > gets to keep an amicable relationship with the person (my SIL, fada, my

> > sister, whoever is victimizing her that day) and I, thereafter, have a

> > damaged, tense, resentment filled relationship with them. I really hate her

> > at this moment...and it has been a really nice few days without having to

> > communicate with her. I want more than anything to be free of her and her

> > sh*tty excuse for parenting behavior, and her exploitation. I know I am a

> > chump for even falling for it and continuing to commiserate with her, it's

> > just so bizarre to me that I fall for it EVERY time, even though I end up

> > full of loathing when she ends up being tight with that person and stabs me

> > in the back. Thanks for letting me vent, I will be clinging to this board

> > like a life preserver since there is no therapy apt. for me this week.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

that is one thing the therapist is working with me on, recognizing the triggers.

I did not have any appreciation for that before but she says I am practically

reliving my own childhood. she helped me realize that i don't feel like I am

helping short of taking him out of the situation. she said i can still 'be

there' for him as a confidante and make it clear to them they can always come to

me. I am so worried because he is male that he is going to 'act out' and get in

trouble. But that is projecting way into the future.

It is just kind of stressing me in a way that I have never been stressed before.

And it's sad because I had no reason to believe that this cycle was going to

repeat in my family, but that's because I had repressed a lot of the reality of

what had happened, until the last few years. Thanks for understanding the

situation, I feel like you really hit the nail on the head as far as what I feel

about it, and confusing him with me. I am really angry at nada for not retiring

when she said she was going to...she knows damn well my dad is not the person to

be watching this child and yet she just keeps postponing because she refused to

set ANY boundaries with SIL and now she has this phony b.s. friendship with SIL

that is going to bite the dust big-time if she retires...because she is going to

be confronted with SIL all the livelong day...SIL will be dumping the kids on

her all day every day. When I tried to stand up for nada and about the cleaning,

etc, nada used that as an opportunity to portray me as the bad guy, rather thann

appreciate it and follow my lead by backing me up. she left me swinging in the

wind, so to speak, and then knifed me in the back. Nada has really dug her own

grave with this so she deserves whatever comes, I just don't want the kids to

have to suffer .

> > > >

> > > > so my parents got back in town today and already I am nuts. I am

wondering if anyone else here has a mother who does this:

> > > >

> > > > Nada has a problem with someone, anyone. She comes to me and unloads her

feelings about it. In the past I have reacted and defended her and stood up for

her and it has caused problems with me and the other person. Suddenly, she no

longer has a problem with that person, *I* have a problem with that person, and

if I ever say anything about them, she defends THEM. And, if I call her out on

her original problem, she will say it is *me* that is negative or unforgiving

or, the classic, my favorite, has a " heart full of hatred " , and that SHE is now

caught in the middle between the person SHE originally had the problem with,

and me.

> > > >

> > > > Why am I not in an insane asylum...

> > > >

> > > > It is coming up for me bigtime right now. I feel not only exploited by

this behavior, but abandoned too. Because inevitably SHE progresses on and gets

to keep an amicable relationship with the person (my SIL, fada, my sister,

whoever is victimizing her that day) and I, thereafter, have a damaged, tense,

resentment filled relationship with them. I really hate her at this moment...and

it has been a really nice few days without having to communicate with her. I

want more than anything to be free of her and her sh*tty excuse for parenting

behavior, and her exploitation. I know I am a chump for even falling for it and

continuing to commiserate with her, it's just so bizarre to me that I fall for

it EVERY time, even though I end up full of loathing when she ends up being

tight with that person and stabs me in the back. Thanks for letting me vent, I

will be clinging to this board like a life preserver since there is no therapy

apt. for me this week.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>