Poking the beast - my passive aggressive breaking of NC

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

I posted before that I have been NC with nada for about 3 months...for the third

or fourth time. She's sucked me back into the web before.

It's the holidays, I have more time than usual and nada has been weighing on my

mind heavily. Ever since I interacted with her a week or so ago since she

INSISTED on contacting me after I asked she didn't.

In my psychotic incessant googling of " someone please tell me its ok to feel

this much hatred towards one's mother " -- i came across the demon page. Posted

on another BPD website for KOs. It came with a trigger warning. I did it anyway.

Sure enough - there it was. The parent's version of this website. The " my child

has gone NC and they're horrible and i'm so good and i don't know why they won't

talk to me. " The trigger warning it deserved. I've sort of lost it.

I began searching the site. I thought for sure nada would be all over it. A

chance for her to get sympathy? Definitely. Nothing. Then I tried her Gmail

account. I don't know her password. What did I do? TRIED TO RESET HER PASSWORD

so I could see the horrible things she's no doubt been saying about me

(btw...Google has upped its game since the last time I tried to hack an

email...15 years ago when I thought my 7th grade boyfriend was cheating on

me...). No luck. Next step? Creepy.

Her famous phase. " You are selfish, self-centered, and extremely spoiled. "

Unable to get into her email account, I went into mine. I typed in the google

search bar " selfish, self-centered, spoiled " ...what came up? Two things...a

string of emails from nada...a string of digests from this listserv. Creepy.

It's gotten worse. I've called her. Several times. I'm in Egypt now so calling

from Skype it comes up as a weird number. Either " 12345 " or " 61111 " or something

like that. I'm sure she knows it's me. The first few times, no answer. Then my

e-stepdad. It saddened me to hear his voice. I always loved him and if there was

a way I could be in touch with him and not her, I would. Then no answer.

Basically, I'm pulling a nada on nada. And for the life of me, I don't know why.

I feel like I've digressed. Somehow, I want to break my no contact (in the most

childish of ways, I'd like to point out - she broke the NC first) just to tell

her that I hate her and don't want to talk to her. She's somehow TAKEN THE NO

CONTACT OUT OF MY CONTROL. As if she is now the one declaring NO CONTACT. NOT

FAIR!

Typical nada, but I turn to you all for advise. I'm tearing my hair out.

N.

[Guest guest]

I've always found it more upsetting to be the rejectee, than the one who

rejects, mainly for the reason you mention: the rejectee has no control over the

matter as the target of a " preemptive strike " .

Its very much like in a chosen relationship; it hurts to get dumped. Its

tempting to " stalk " your former significant other to see what s/he's saying

about you or who he's dating now. The desire to reconnect or at least observe

the person who rejected you is a way of trying to get some control back, like

saying, " You can't fire me, I quit! "

So, now you and your nada are in a kind of " tag, I got you back " tango; you

went NC first, then went back to her again several times. Now she's initiated

NC with you, and you're trying to get the contact back. Back and forth, back

and forth. Much anguish and drama ensues.

Maybe for you, Low Contact with Boundaries would work better and generate less

drama and anguish. Something to think about, anyway. In case you and your

nada decide to resume contact again, down the road a bit, maybe think up a list

of boundaries you would feel comfortable having in place, and refer to them if

and when you agree to re-establish contact with each other.

Until then, the only thing that really works to stop me obsessing over someone

or some thing is to focus on some other issue that I find interesting and

absorbing. So, its just " replacement " obsessing, I guess. Like when you're

dieting and you're craving a cookie, so you eat a few grapes instead: a healthy

replacement (or a less unhealthy replacement.)

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hello all,

>

> I posted before that I have been NC with nada for about 3 months...for the

third or fourth time. She's sucked me back into the web before.

>

> It's the holidays, I have more time than usual and nada has been weighing on

my mind heavily. Ever since I interacted with her a week or so ago since she

INSISTED on contacting me after I asked she didn't.

>

> In my psychotic incessant googling of " someone please tell me its ok to feel

this much hatred towards one's mother " -- i came across the demon page. Posted

on another BPD website for KOs. It came with a trigger warning. I did it anyway.

Sure enough - there it was. The parent's version of this website. The " my child

has gone NC and they're horrible and i'm so good and i don't know why they won't

talk to me. " The trigger warning it deserved. I've sort of lost it.

>

> I began searching the site. I thought for sure nada would be all over it. A

chance for her to get sympathy? Definitely. Nothing. Then I tried her Gmail

account. I don't know her password. What did I do? TRIED TO RESET HER PASSWORD

so I could see the horrible things she's no doubt been saying about me

(btw...Google has upped its game since the last time I tried to hack an

email...15 years ago when I thought my 7th grade boyfriend was cheating on

me...). No luck. Next step? Creepy.

>

> Her famous phase. " You are selfish, self-centered, and extremely spoiled. "

Unable to get into her email account, I went into mine. I typed in the google

search bar " selfish, self-centered, spoiled " ...what came up? Two things...a

string of emails from nada...a string of digests from this listserv. Creepy.

>

> It's gotten worse. I've called her. Several times. I'm in Egypt now so calling

from Skype it comes up as a weird number. Either " 12345 " or " 61111 " or something

like that. I'm sure she knows it's me. The first few times, no answer. Then my

e-stepdad. It saddened me to hear his voice. I always loved him and if there was

a way I could be in touch with him and not her, I would. Then no answer.

>

> Basically, I'm pulling a nada on nada. And for the life of me, I don't know

why. I feel like I've digressed. Somehow, I want to break my no contact (in the

most childish of ways, I'd like to point out - she broke the NC first) just to

tell her that I hate her and don't want to talk to her. She's somehow TAKEN THE

NO CONTACT OUT OF MY CONTROL. As if she is now the one declaring NO CONTACT. NOT

FAIR!

>

> Typical nada, but I turn to you all for advise. I'm tearing my hair out.

>

> N.

>

[Guest guest]

I referred to this video series just a few days ago. This particular one is

titled " Why Victims of Narcissists Can't Let Go the Narcissist? " Perhaps

something described here (the idealized relationship we were promised and didn't

receive and/or rejection of ourselves by the narcissist) might speak to the

emotions you are feeling.

>

> Hello all,

>

> I posted before that I have been NC with nada for about 3 months...for the

third or fourth time. She's sucked me back into the web before.

>

> It's the holidays, I have more time than usual and nada has been weighing on

my mind heavily. Ever since I interacted with her a week or so ago since she

INSISTED on contacting me after I asked she didn't.

>

> In my psychotic incessant googling of " someone please tell me its ok to feel

this much hatred towards one's mother " -- i came across the demon page. Posted

on another BPD website for KOs. It came with a trigger warning. I did it anyway.

Sure enough - there it was. The parent's version of this website. The " my child

has gone NC and they're horrible and i'm so good and i don't know why they won't

talk to me. " The trigger warning it deserved. I've sort of lost it.

>

> I began searching the site. I thought for sure nada would be all over it. A

chance for her to get sympathy? Definitely. Nothing. Then I tried her Gmail

account. I don't know her password. What did I do? TRIED TO RESET HER PASSWORD

so I could see the horrible things she's no doubt been saying about me

(btw...Google has upped its game since the last time I tried to hack an

email...15 years ago when I thought my 7th grade boyfriend was cheating on

me...). No luck. Next step? Creepy.

>

> Her famous phase. " You are selfish, self-centered, and extremely spoiled. "

Unable to get into her email account, I went into mine. I typed in the google

search bar " selfish, self-centered, spoiled " ...what came up? Two things...a

string of emails from nada...a string of digests from this listserv. Creepy.

>

> It's gotten worse. I've called her. Several times. I'm in Egypt now so calling

from Skype it comes up as a weird number. Either " 12345 " or " 61111 " or something

like that. I'm sure she knows it's me. The first few times, no answer. Then my

e-stepdad. It saddened me to hear his voice. I always loved him and if there was

a way I could be in touch with him and not her, I would. Then no answer.

>

> Basically, I'm pulling a nada on nada. And for the life of me, I don't know

why. I feel like I've digressed. Somehow, I want to break my no contact (in the

most childish of ways, I'd like to point out - she broke the NC first) just to

tell her that I hate her and don't want to talk to her. She's somehow TAKEN THE

NO CONTACT OUT OF MY CONTROL. As if she is now the one declaring NO CONTACT. NOT

FAIR!

>

> Typical nada, but I turn to you all for advise. I'm tearing my hair out.

>

> N.

>

[Guest guest]

I remember reading in a book once about a King who said I d better give

this command, because that s what the people are going to do anyway. It

important to be obeyed, after all.

If I might suggest, get a copy of Codependant No More, by Melody Beatty.

The codependant of an alcoholic enables his drinking for years, despite

the emotional toll. The codependant wife of a batterer goes back an

average of 7 times, or until he kills her, before she " really " leaves.

Is it any wonder that KO s develop codependancies?

This book may help you.

Good luck.

Doug

>

> Hello all,

>

> I posted before that I have been NC with nada for about 3 months...for

the third or fourth time. She's sucked me back into the web before.

>

> It's the holidays, I have more time than usual and nada has been

weighing on my mind heavily. Ever since I interacted with her a week or

so ago since she INSISTED on contacting me after I asked she didn't.

>

> In my psychotic incessant googling of " someone please tell me its ok

to feel this much hatred towards one's mother " -- i came across the

demon page. Posted on another BPD website for KOs. It came with a

trigger warning. I did it anyway. Sure enough - there it was. The

parent's version of this website. The " my child has gone NC and they're

horrible and i'm so good and i don't know why they won't talk to me. "

The trigger warning it deserved. I've sort of lost it.

>

> I began searching the site. I thought for sure nada would be all over

it. A chance for her to get sympathy? Definitely. Nothing. Then I tried

her Gmail account. I don't know her password. What did I do? TRIED TO

RESET HER PASSWORD so I could see the horrible things she's no doubt

been saying about me (btw...Google has upped its game since the last

time I tried to hack an email...15 years ago when I thought my 7th grade

boyfriend was cheating on me...). No luck. Next step? Creepy.

>

> Her famous phase. " You are selfish, self-centered, and extremely

spoiled. " Unable to get into her email account, I went into mine. I

typed in the google search bar " selfish, self-centered, spoiled " ...what

came up? Two things...a string of emails from nada...a string of digests

from this listserv. Creepy.

>

> It's gotten worse. I've called her. Several times. I'm in Egypt now so

calling from Skype it comes up as a weird number. Either " 12345 " or

" 61111 " or something like that. I'm sure she knows it's me. The first

few times, no answer. Then my e-stepdad. It saddened me to hear his

voice. I always loved him and if there was a way I could be in touch

with him and not her, I would. Then no answer.

>

> Basically, I'm pulling a nada on nada. And for the life of me, I don't

know why. I feel like I've digressed. Somehow, I want to break my no

contact (in the most childish of ways, I'd like to point out - she broke

the NC first) just to tell her that I hate her and don't want to talk to

her. She's somehow TAKEN THE NO CONTACT OUT OF MY CONTROL. As if she is

now the one declaring NO CONTACT. NOT FAIR!

>

> Typical nada, but I turn to you all for advise. I'm tearing my hair

out.

>

> N.

>

[Guest guest]

I just watched this video and wow. There are ten vids in the series and he spins

things just a little off-center to what I'm used to and gave me a new

perspective. I particularly loved the one that describes what goes on in the

mind of a narcissist.

AFB

>

> I referred to this video series just a few days ago. This particular one is

titled " Why Victims of Narcissists Can't Let Go the Narcissist? " Perhaps

something described here (the idealized relationship we were promised and didn't

receive and/or rejection of ourselves by the narcissist) might speak to the

emotions you are feeling.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeesh! What a mess! Let's step back and take a breath. Feeling so out of

control is driving you mad. Let's think about this a little more coolly. You

wanted the NC and she is listening, although spitefully. And though you are sad

and bored around the holidays, NC can be joyous. You can celebrate any way you

like and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Take time to enjoy the peace

you can create for yourself.

Obsessing feels good in the short term, a negative reward for proving she's a

terrible awful person who smears your name; but then you read the things she

reads about you and you might begin to believe them. I also obsessively googled

my nada in the beginning, but everything I found made me feel worse. " YAY! I

found something! Oh, it's shitty. " Duh. You knew what you'd find.

The back and forth of NC between the two of you is a game and she seems to have

the upper hand. Don't declare NC if you're going to renege or childishly

announce " I hate you more, so I don't want to speak to you! " She will do the

same when she gets the chance and it will go on forever! I agree with another

reply, LC is probably best for you. You have to figure out which lines you

don't want her to cross and then tell her not to cross them. Boundaries are

hard to implement, but they're ultimately less painful than the tumult you're

stuck in now. Don't mirror her actions. Take a stand, no matter how small.

When you're really ready for NC you'll know, but try not to toss it around

carelessly until you reach that point. Whether we like it or not BP's have real

feelings too, even when they're exaggerated. Right now you two are just

sticking knives in each other and twisting. It hurts both of you.