hate this

[Guest guest]

Why is it that where ever we have people over I turn to shit?

Well, actually I know but never dealt with it. It's because,

growing up, I was told I had to be 100 times better than every

one else...

And when I didn't measure up, it was like there is something

wrong with me.

So I'm trying to be the perfect hostess and feel like I'm failing

completely. I don't think I actually am, it's just that I feel

like every thing has to be perfect and feel frustrated and angry

when it isn't.

And I'm constantly second guessing myself, wondering how I'm

doing and if it's ok.

Anyone relate?

Also, love this group, but are there other groups out there for

kos?

Steph

[Guest guest]

I can relate. I do the same thing. Has to be perfect!

You know why? Because as women, society judges us on how high our souffle

is, how clean our house is and how our ass looks in our pants.

It's true. Try to explain that to a dude though. . . . they will clean off

a spot on the couch where you can plop down and share a miller light.

On Thu, Dec 29, 2011 at 1:07 AM, pianolady78 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Why is it that where ever we have people over I turn to shit?

> Well, actually I know but never dealt with it. It's because,

> growing up, I was told I had to be 100 times better than every

> one else...

> And when I didn't measure up, it was like there is something

> wrong with me.

> So I'm trying to be the perfect hostess and feel like I'm failing

> completely. I don't think I actually am, it's just that I feel

> like every thing has to be perfect and feel frustrated and angry

> when it isn't.

> And I'm constantly second guessing myself, wondering how I'm

> doing and if it's ok.

> Anyone relate?

> Also, love this group, but are there other groups out there for

> kos?

> Steph

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to the anxiety over trying to be " perfect. " My nada, recently

deceased, was infected with the " disease " of perfectionism and she inflicted her

obsessive need for perfection on my younger Sister and me, which has had a

long-term negative impact on the quality of our lives.

Of the many possible injuries that having a bpd mother can do to a child, being

expected to be " perfect " is one of the really bad ones. It has taken me a

lifetime to understand and deal with this " disease. " My nada was laboring

under the false belief that being perfect made her unassailably " good " and

" right " , and therefor lovable. Its so sad that the exact opposite was true; her

harshness, rigidity, and lack of empathy for how it made her children feel to be

screamed at/terrorized for not being " perfect " made her feared, not loved. I

was terrified of my own mother.

Its a really, really big step to realize that all you ever need to be in this

life, most of the time, is simply " good enough. " Perfectionism is related to a

narcissistic need to be *superior* to others, and that's not good.

" Perfect " is something for surgeons and rocket scientists, and maybe Olympic

athletes and world-class musicians to strive for, but its toxic within the

context of a personal relationship.

It helped me to remind myself over and over that being/trying to be perfect does

NOT make make me either lovable or happy, and that if I just do the best I can

" its not just good, its good enough. "

So, in middle age I decided to not torture myself with perfectionism any longer;

somehow I was able to let myself off that tenterhook.

-Annie

>

> Why is it that where ever we have people over I turn to shit?

> Well, actually I know but never dealt with it. It's because,

> growing up, I was told I had to be 100 times better than every

> one else...

> And when I didn't measure up, it was like there is something

> wrong with me.

> So I'm trying to be the perfect hostess and feel like I'm failing

> completely. I don't think I actually am, it's just that I feel

> like every thing has to be perfect and feel frustrated and angry

> when it isn't.

> And I'm constantly second guessing myself, wondering how I'm

> doing and if it's ok.

> Anyone relate?

> Also, love this group, but are there other groups out there for

> kos?

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Perfectionism is a really big part of OCPD too which I believe my sister suffers

from. She looks at (i.e., judges) me from her perfectionistic, moralistic,

standpoint wherein there is a " right " and a " wrong " and a rule for everything.

I can't stand it. I mean I really, really can't stand it. I can't even be in

the same room with it. It is exhausting and makes me paranoid. She finds fault

with me at every turn: my appearance, my parenting, my choice of partners, my

economic decisions.... But she only lets me know indirectly. I started calling

her out about it, and she told me I was attacking her and she doesn't want to

discuss our relationship. It is crazy-making.

.....just needed to vent.

HC

> >

> > Why is it that where ever we have people over I turn to shit?

> > Well, actually I know but never dealt with it. It's because,

> > growing up, I was told I had to be 100 times better than every

> > one else...

> > And when I didn't measure up, it was like there is something

> > wrong with me.

> > So I'm trying to be the perfect hostess and feel like I'm failing

> > completely. I don't think I actually am, it's just that I feel

> > like every thing has to be perfect and feel frustrated and angry

> > when it isn't.

> > And I'm constantly second guessing myself, wondering how I'm

> > doing and if it's ok.

> > Anyone relate?

> > Also, love this group, but are there other groups out there for

> > kos?

> > Steph

> >

>