HMO News

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HMO To Employ Marmoset Monkeys As Healthcare Providers

Nimble primates cost-effective, quick learners

LOUISVILLE, KY--Harmona Healthcare, one of the nation's leading managed care

providers, announced today that it would employ specially trained marmoset

monkeys to provide care to plan members. HMO enrollees would have

24-hour-a-day access to the monkeys, which will be kept in centrally located

clinic-pens in several U.S. cities, including Louisville KY, ville

FL, Abilene TX, and Cincinnati OH.

The lovable tree-dwellers will be authorized to manage a variety of

illnesses, including respiratory and urinary tract infections, low back

pain, headache, and gout. They will also perform low-risk obstetrics.

However, Harmona spokesman Leikie has stated that the marmosets

would not be authorized to perform surgical procedures " for at least the

next few months " . " Harmona has every confidence that these specially trained

monkeys will provide low-cost, high quality care " , said Leikie, though he

acknowledged that some plan members might put off by the monkeys' strong

odor, or the fact that they use their fingers and toes interchangeably.

" We understand that some of our plan members have become accustomed to

having healthcare providers who belong to the same species as they do. And

that's only natural. But we're convinced that once they see these little

critters in action, all of those prejudices are going to melt away. "

According to Leikie, Harmona has employed the tiny monkeys for years in

administrative positions, where they have proved adept at deciding whether

or not the HMO should authorize medical treatments for plan members. Harmona

employed Squeaky, the famous tic-tac-toe playing chicken, in a similar role

until the bird's unexpected death last year at age 13. Leikie stated that

employing the chicken as a care provider was never considered, as its talons

made an adequate physical examination " an impossibility " .

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HMO News

HMO To Employ Marmoset Monkeys As Healthcare Providers

Nimble primates cost-effective, quick learners

LOUISVILLE, KY--Harmona Healthcare, one of the nation's leading managed care

providers, announced today that it would employ specially trained marmoset

monkeys to provide care to plan members. HMO enrollees would have

24-hour-a-day access to the monkeys, which will be kept in centrally located

clinic-pens in several U.S. cities, including Louisville KY, ville

FL, Abilene TX, and Cincinnati OH.

The lovable tree-dwellers will be authorized to manage a variety of

illnesses, including respiratory and urinary tract infections, low back

pain, headache, and gout. They will also perform low-risk obstetrics.

However, Harmona spokesman Leikie has stated that the marmosets

would not be authorized to perform surgical procedures " for at least the

next few months " . " Harmona has every confidence that these specially trained

monkeys will provide low-cost, high quality care " , said Leikie, though he

acknowledged that some plan members might put off by the monkeys' strong

odor, or the fact that they use their fingers and toes interchangeably.

" We understand that some of our plan members have become accustomed to

having healthcare providers who belong to the same species as they do. And

that's only natural. But we're convinced that once they see these little

critters in action, all of those prejudices are going to melt away. "

According to Leikie, Harmona has employed the tiny monkeys for years in

administrative positions, where they have proved adept at deciding whether

or not the HMO should authorize medical treatments for plan members. Harmona

employed Squeaky, the famous tic-tac-toe playing chicken, in a similar role

until the bird's unexpected death last year at age 13. Leikie stated that

employing the chicken as a care provider was never considered, as its talons

made an adequate physical examination " an impossibility " .

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