Wanting to Unlock Mental Blocks

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am a daughter of BPD and, I am trying to unlock some mental blocks. I have put

up mental blocks when I was younger to protect myself from verbal abuse and,

from my BPD mom who wanted to take over my life by not allowing me to have my

own opinion. So, now I find my self as an adult who isn't quite sure herself

wanting to find parts of myself that I no longer remember how access because I

lock them away to protect them from being taken from me. Anyone else gone thru

this? Any advice on how you were able to work thru it?

Thanks -

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah! My sister was more effected by my nada's intrusive brainwashing

techniques than I was, because I have an intense defiant streak, but I was not

unscathed by any means.

I think you have already taken the first step which is to recognize the

phenomenon. The next step is to find it in action in yourself.

Make a point of watching for it. When you find an example, play with it in a

compassionate way. Ask yourself questions about it. Get curious. What is

going on here both on the surface and underneath it? For example, If you were

to look at this from my Nada's ingrained perspective in me, what would it

look/feel like? If you were to step outside of that perspective, what would it

look/feel like? If there is someone in your life who you admire and wish to

emulate to some extent, you could look at this " thing " from that persons

perspective too. Then you can do some comparing and contrasting among them.

While you do this exercise, it would also help for you to have some awareness of

your body throughout it. When you feel relaxed, when you tense up, in what

ways, how you are breathing, that sort of thing. Often the body knows what the

mind does not yet know, so if you can learn to " read " your own body, you will

get tremendous insight into yourself.

I hope this is helpful. I also hope you can make this fun for yourself. You'll

be inclined to do it more if it is a pleasant exploration.

HC

>

> Hi,

>

> I am a daughter of BPD and, I am trying to unlock some mental blocks. I have

put up mental blocks when I was younger to protect myself from verbal abuse and,

from my BPD mom who wanted to take over my life by not allowing me to have my

own opinion. So, now I find my self as an adult who isn't quite sure herself

wanting to find parts of myself that I no longer remember how access because I

lock them away to protect them from being taken from me. Anyone else gone thru

this? Any advice on how you were able to work thru it?

>

> Thanks -

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate. I withdrew and compartmentalized. Like heartfeltcourage I have a

fairly strong defiant streak (I tend to stonewall rather than fight). As a

result I am not good socially and find it hard to be spontaneous or to give

myself permission to do something nice for myself. The abuse I received was very

covert and insidious and easily discounted and has only become blatant since I

have had kids and the nada and fada retired (I'm expected to entertain them now

and hand over my kids because apparently its " their turn now " - not a hope in

hell on both counts!).

Anyway since joining this group I have been thinking A LOT and having a lot of

lightbulb moments. I'm introspective by nature so this is not unusual but here

is a theory I have come up with for some of my " social behaviour " . this has come

together after comming across information about " emotional labour " and

" emotional intelligence " . I intend to read more and think there is something in

this but here is what I'm thinking at the moment.

The FOO had a family business (think golden child that provided not only ego

stroking but also financial benefits and social status). To be worthwhile I was

encouraged to look after the " golden child " so learnt to operate in a corporate

setting (task oriented behaviour). So I created scripts for situations like you

would in a corporate role play situation. This meant that whilst I was doing

something worthwhile for the situation I had value (this could have been

cleaning, running errands or anything else). At any other time I lacked value

and was not allowed to be anything other than a carer to the FOO with no

identity of my own unless it benefited them in some way.

So fast forward quite a few years and I am still using scripts as a facade for

both work and social situations (many obtained from good sources - think

leadership books like Covey and Carlzon, biblical commentaries, with perhaps a

bit of Oprah and Dr Phil thrown in lol). So whilst I have something useful to do

(eg: can I help prepare/serve/clean/usher/etc) I am blissfully happy and

comfortable and of course I have value. This make me very good at work but

useless in spontaneous social situations or parties.

I can tell you how I'm feeling and can analyze the situation for who needs what

and how to accomplish it. But this is where I get stuck. I think that because

all the social feedback I received from my FOO was never consistent and, more

often than not, derogatory in one form or another I over think all social

feedback to the point where I become paranoid, convinced of my lack of value (if

I'm not performing a worthwhile task) and then the anxiety kicks in. So it seems

that I do not lack self awareness (except maybe of my own intrinsic value) but

rather I lack a way to read the positive feedback from others.

This year I have gone back to dancing which was my childhood joy and was taken

away from me by injury and nada (lack of medical care and she informed me I

could get a part time job and pay for it myself @ 15yrs old – nice one nada).

Through this I am reconnecting to ME – I've still got a long way to go but I'm

on my way. I have also been on a few coffee dates with trusted friends – this is

something I had not done with anyone but my husband before. I'm also allowing

myself to accepts invitations (in small doses) and not putting pressure on

myself to " do " anything – I'm discovering that whilst my friend list is small

I'm appreciated for me not for what I can do. It is still early days and I can

only cope for short periods and in situations where I have an escape if I need

it, but I'm realizing that this is OK.

I know that was a bit long winded and they are just my thoughts.

Thanks for reading

LT

>

> Hi,

>

> I am a daughter of BPD and, I am trying to unlock some mental blocks. I have

put up mental blocks when I was younger to protect myself from verbal abuse and,

from my BPD mom who wanted to take over my life by not allowing me to have my

own opinion. So, now I find my self as an adult who isn't quite sure herself

wanting to find parts of myself that I no longer remember how access because I

lock them away to protect them from being taken from me. Anyone else gone thru

this? Any advice on how you were able to work thru it?

>

> Thanks -

>