Guest guest Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. at least intellectually... here is an example of her behavior: Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the most outstanding senior. the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved it. when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. when the award was given it was to me and her. it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 All I can offer is my own personal opinion and experience, and it just did not work for me to have my own nada try and teach me things like music, cooking, sewing or driving. She was too nervous and too perfectionistic to be a good teacher for me. If I didn't understand a new concept immediately, or if I didn't perform the music or the technique to her standards, she would become frustrated and irritable, and sometimes even contemptuous. Trying to learn a new skill or task under those conditions was nightmarish. From what I've read, if I understand correctly, surgeons don't operate on their own family members, and psychiatrists don't treat their own family members because they are too emotionally involved and that clouds the desired capacity to maintain professional, clinical objectivity. If a family can do fun activities together *and everyone enjoys it*, that's a lovely thing; but to have a parent as your teacher, to me, seems to be an entirely different proposition. I know that in a lot of cases (most likely in families where the members are above average in their level of mental health) it works out OK, but I think that in my own case that would have been just another level of hell to add to my already stressed-out childhood existence: nada at home, and nada at school too. There would have been no escape for me at all, under those conditions. As a minor child, you had no control over that situation; you didn't get to decide whether your own mother would be your music teacher at school or not. But now, as an adult, you have the power to choose what you will tolerate, or will not tolerate. -Annie > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. at least intellectually... > > here is an example of her behavior: > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the most outstanding senior. > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved it. > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them look good. Steph why does this bother me? I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. at least intellectually... here is an example of her behavior: Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the most outstanding senior. the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved it. when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. when the award was given it was to me and her. it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 writing it out helped me hash it out a bit. so this was only one example of this kind of behavior. a current one is that whenever we get together she asks me to sing for her. the way she accompanies me is by following everything I do and everything she thinks I will do. for you non musicians no this is not the way to do it. you play accurately and that is how everyone learns. it is about like tap dancing on a stage that is jerking around. it is totally to make her look good. when she plays like that for me in public most people are fooled. but other musicians notice and can be critical it is only embarrassing for me. she usually follows this by giving her condescending speech about how it is ok that I make mistakes and I should be proud I sound good. the motivations are hard to guess. but here are some thoughts I have had. this condescending form of accompanying is setting me up to fail. I think it is a rare person who could be accurate under such circumstances. she actually unhesitatingly blames the best music teacher I have ever had for my rhythm problems. haha all of this is part of a huge cover-up. my mom loves to present herself as an understanding wonderful mother. she pulls crap like this all the time under the guise of protecting me. I guess she is projecting her loathing in all directions to disguise it. honestly she is unpredictable. I hate it because it is hypocritical. she is acting out lies. she has always been ashamed of my viola playing, we had ensemble competitions all the time and she would only let me play easy quartets. she likes it when I sing, but hates when I make mistakes. she is not outright overly critical about my preforming, she criticizes all else, I talked too much during my introduction, I wore the wrong clothes... I have really struggled to perform in front of her for a very long time. I used to get physically ill if the stakes were high. and it was things like loosing my voice, or coughing violently etc. that hurt my singing. I did a recital this summer with some really hard music and some friends who are very talented. I loved it, but we recorded it, and that was enough to stress me out because I knew she would hear it. I did a great job, but she was more stressful to me than the entire audience. she acts like it is so surprising that I don't like to perform for her and pretends she loves it all. the truth is she is a hypocrite. she wants me to succeed but she has no faith in my success, but tries to hide it. she acts surprised every time I succeed. now I think I understand why I hate it. I think from now on she will not play for me. I think it would take an act of god to get her to accompany me properly. fake support is worse than no support. and confusing too. Meikjn > > Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my > homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got > A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them > look good. > Steph > > > why does this bother me? > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, > and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I > know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have > ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some > background to explain things. > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle > stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% > sure is untrue. at least intellectually... > > here is an example of her behavior: > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 > years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the > family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty > true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of > that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is > actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always > rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is > pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, > and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and > our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year > where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity > awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all > seniors " etc... > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to > the most outstanding senior. > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who > deserved it. > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very > talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even > rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was > even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let > alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in > singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be > disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the > permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I > am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and > music. > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate > it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable > expectations. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 I agree, I think that's about making the parents look good. When I was growing up, I had friends who would confide in me that their parents did their homework for them, helped them construct/execute large school projects, helped them study, etc.; I was so envious of those kids. So, I don't think its that uncommon, but its one of those things that makes the child (and the parent) appear successful in the short term but I imagine that that sort of thing could have a negative impact on the child's ability to develop self-esteem and self-reliance based on their own efforts. I'm grateful that my nada and dad didn't interfere with my growth and development in that way, at least. I had to struggle through my own homework, essays, projects and studying for tests. -Annie > > Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my > homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got > A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them > look good. > Steph > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 What you are describing sounds to me like " passive aggressive " behavior on the part of your mother. Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of showing hostility toward someone, but in a plausibly deniable way. Its covert hostility. Your mother plays accompaniment in a way that makes it impossible for you to keep the timing of your singing accurate; and she does it repeatedly and blames the mistakes on you. It would seem that she is looking for opportunities to shame and embarrass you. That's pretty damned hostile. The movie " War Games " has a line we use here a lot: " Sometimes the only winning move is to not play. " Its sad and frustrating, but its almost impossible to have a relationship with a person who uses malicious passive-aggressive behaviors to express their hostility toward you. Such an individual is basically putting you in a no-win situation; they're deliberately hurting you over and over, but denying that they are doing it. That is gas-lighting: blaming you, and denying your perceptions; and that is very, very hostile and very, very crazy-making. (I also refer to it as " mind-f**king " , I think that conveys the hostile element more vividly than " gas-lighting. " ) This is just my opinion, but it might be worth thinking about creating more emotional distance between you and your mother, see her less often, see her only when its not an occasion where she will ask you to perform together (such as, only see her at restaurants, at the mall for shopping, take in a movie, etc.) and if she does make a request for you to perform together, you make an excuse and decline. I also suggest that you read " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and focus on the " Witch " chapter in particular, and the " Queen " chapter. I hope that helps. -Annie > > > > Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my > > homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got > > A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them > > look good. > > Steph > > > > > > why does this bother me? > > > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, > > and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I > > know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have > > ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some > > background to explain things. > > > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle > > stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% > > sure is untrue. at least intellectually... > > > > here is an example of her behavior: > > > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 > > years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the > > family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty > > true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of > > that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is > > actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always > > rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. > > > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is > > pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, > > and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and > > our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year > > where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity > > awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all > > seniors " etc... > > > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to > > the most outstanding senior. > > > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who > > deserved it. > > > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very > > talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even > > rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. > > > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was > > even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let > > alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in > > singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. > > > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be > > disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the > > permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I > > am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and > > music. > > > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate > > it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable > > expectations. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 Hi Meijkin, Before you had the second round of insight, I had meant to give input into why this bothered you (your subject line). The scenarios you describe reminded me a lot of how my nada, whose mission in life was to prove me ugly and undesirable romantically, would very often give exaggerated compliments about my 'beauty' in public. As musical ability is important to your nada, so beauty and romantic desirability was to mine. It's good to have a basic assumption: to your nada, musical talent is a zero sum game. Whatever you have, she doesn't. Also remember though that if she merges, she 'gets' that talent. So anyone who is split good, it's ok for them to have talent. Anyone who is split bad, they are not allowed to have any talent--for it's competition with her. BUT she needs desperately to mask abuse. So she gives you the award to try and show the WHOLE school that she isn't trying to steal from you. But, she IS. That's why she accompanies you poorly and tries to make you perform in front of everyone. Overall (and perhaps more simply), the main reason it 'bothers' you, is that you are not being seen. At all. How you are actually playing the viola-good OR bad--how you are actually singing--this is all irrelevant to nada. She has goals. Manipulation goals. That's all she sees. That's what's bothering you. That, and the obscene level of the hypocrisy when she tries to compliment you and people let her. I was truly appalled when nada, who's purpose in (my) life was to force me to be and feel unattractive, would announce to crowds how gorgeous I was. It curdles the milk of the soul. Best wishes for less FOG in your musical future. --Charlie > > > > Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my > > homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got > > A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them > > look good. > > Steph > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 I'm glad you made the decision not to allow your mom to do this to you. It's total disrespect in my book. It's also trying to make herself look good and you bad. Steph why does this bother me? I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. at least intellectually... here is an example of her behavior: Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the most outstanding senior. the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved it. when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. when the award was given it was to me and her. it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 It did affect me. I thought I was good at nothing except music, mum used to tell me I was good for nothing but my music and I would therefore make it nowhere in life. Steph Re: why does this bother me? I agree, I think that's about making the parents look good. When I was growing up, I had friends who would confide in me that their parents did their homework for them, helped them construct/execute large school projects, helped them study, etc.; I was so envious of those kids. So, I don't think its that uncommon, but its one of those things that makes the child (and the parent) appear successful in the short term but I imagine that that sort of thing could have a negative impact on the child's ability to develop self-esteem and self-reliance based on their own efforts. I'm grateful that my nada and dad didn't interfere with my growth and development in that way, at least. I had to struggle through my own homework, essays, projects and studying for tests. -Annie Maybe it's to make HER look ford! My stepfather used to do all my homework for me, or make me re-write it his way. I always got A's but knew it was for HIM not me. It's all about making them look good. Steph Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2012 Report Share Posted January 2, 2012 Oh my. Well , a couple of points. Nada s seem to have this mechanism in which they can do the most incredibly rude, callous, intrusive things, and no matter how egregious they are, if someone reacts, they minimize it by saying, " They are too sensitive, they overreact. " Strangely though, Nada s will massively overreact to imagined slights, or the very mildest real problem. On the unwarrented praise/award: Oh God! My Nada did that sort of shit to me all my life! It drove me crazy. It took me a while to figure out why it should be so irritating, but I finally did. It is wrong on 2 levels. First, it IS embarassing for her to say you got First Place, when in fact you KNOW you did a modest, respectable Third. Secondly, it makes ALL her praise of you meaningless, because either she has no idea when you truly deserve it, or she is always lying about it. Either way, it means you NEVER in your LIFE get to truly bask in the pleasure of a Well Done from your mom. It cheapens all her praise, and makes YOU feel cheap when she praises you. Why does she do it? I think first, because HER self esteem requires that HER children are something special. They cannot be something special to her just because they are her children. Next, when she brags on HER kids, it is not just, my kid plays in the orchestra, it must be my kid is the BEST. In all their cases, but especially in your Nada, they get to take credit for your accomplishments: He gets his musical skill from me. So her OVER praise for you is not for you at all, is is self congratulatory. They make it difficult for us to take true, deserved praise, and to take legitmate, deserved criticism. I was a talented musician in high School. I was 1st Chair trombone, All Area, All County, University Honors band, and was All State Chorus. I was pretty good. But there were those better. I was ok with that, a modest pride in my skills and my ability to contribute to the music I loved. But her over praise made it hard for me to accept even " Congratulations on making All State. " And that is why it is such a shitty thing they do to us. Doug > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. at least intellectually... > > here is an example of her behavior: > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces him onto. > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the most outstanding senior. > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved it. > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but was a year younger. > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always a side note anyway. > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 2, 2012 Report Share Posted January 2, 2012 I agree with Doug, that your nada is just trying to minimize the damage she is doing by saying " you are just too sensitive " , etc. Another thing that popped up in my mind when I read about your awards and the music stuff...my nada LOVED to throw stuff in my face whenever she did something " nice " for me. Has your nada ever done that regarding the music and the awards and things like that? > > > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and > what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a > problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't > quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. > > > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, > and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. > at least intellectually... > > > > here is an example of her behavior: > > > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years > older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is > " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big > fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same > instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his > limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces > him onto. > > > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty > talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada > thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets > better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where > she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and > awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... > > > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the > most outstanding senior. > > > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved > it. > > > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. > she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but > was a year younger. > > > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even > some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best > in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always > a side note anyway. > > > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be > disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the > permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better > than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. > > > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I > don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2012 Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 she presents it more like " you *might* have had a few bad things happen that year (I was severely bullied all through school some years were pure hell) but you won that wonderful _____. that was such a nice year. she also exonerates one teacher in particular that allowed his classroom to be taken over by bullies and let me be treated like crap every day for 2 years because he " gave me so many opportunities " none of which had anything to do with him but only my own merits really. this summer she angrily and tearfully " hoped I was a teacher someday so I would understand how hard it is to be a teacher " and reminded me that " you just don't understand the dynamics of the classroom " when I was talking to my sister seeking advice from me because her own daughter was being bullied. those poor teachers subjected daily to students being cruel to another student. such a hard life for *them*. (I reiterate my nada is a teacher) she topped this off by blaming it on her father (who died about 24 years ago) because he taught her " to always speak well of people " and me because she claims I begged and begged her to never intervene when I was being hurt.she even claimed I said " I don't want you to fight my battles " which is her universal excuse and favorite phrase for letting my siblings do whatever they wanted to me right in front of her. I imagine I *might* have expressed fear of retaliation that is the only thing I can even guess. she claims there was a heartfelt conversation. how kind of me to exonerate her from keeping me safe at school eh? apparently she brought it up at parent teacher conferences. " my daughter is so sensitive " she thinks people are picking on her... I know the crap she says. way to be parent-ish twice a year. Meikjn > > > > > > I have been trying to figure out what boundaries I want to set, and > > what my emotional triggers are. there is something that I know is a > > problem but I can't put my finger on why. I have ideas, but they don't > > quite fit. I will have to give some background to explain things. > > > > > > My Nada thinks I am " sensitive " 'over-reactive " , " can't handle stress, > > and disappointment " etc. which as it turns out I am 95% sure is untrue. > > at least intellectually... > > > > > > here is an example of her behavior: > > > > > > Nada was my high school orchestra teacher. I have a brother 4 years > > older who is the unquestionable " golden child " of the family. he is > > " good at everything " which is actually pretty true. there is some big > > fish in a small pond aspects of all of that. anyway he plays the same > > instrument as me(viola). he is actually a pretty nice guy who knows his > > limits and has always rolled his eyes at the pedestal everyone forces > > him onto. > > > > > > I have a sister who is 18 mos. older who plays the cello and is pretty > > talented too, and fortunately for her she is assertive, and somehow Nada > > thinks she is the cheese. I like her fine,and our relationship gets > > better with age. (haha no pun intended) > > > > > > my mom loves to do a huge award ceremony at the end of the year where > > she hands out a few real awards and a whole pile of pity awards, and > > awards for things like " all new people " and " all seniors " etc... > > > > > > the one " real " award given every year was the MVP award given to the > > most outstanding senior. > > > > > > the award was given to my sister and brother before me, who deserved > > it. > > > > > > when I was a senior there was a cello player who was very talented. > > she was a much better musician than me. she even rivaled my sister, but > > was a year younger. > > > > > > when the award was given it was to me and her. > > > > > > it was so embarassing. I knew I did not deserve it. there was even > > some question of wheter I was the best Viola player let alone the best > > in the orchestra. I excelled that year in singing, and viola was always > > a side note anyway. > > > > > > I think it could be assumed that she did not want me to be > > disapointed, or it could be that she wanted her kids names on the > > permenant plaque at the school. it is not because she thinks I am better > > than I am. she has very low expectations with me and music. > > > > > > why did she do such a crappy thing and why is it crappy anyway? > > > > > > she does things like this " for " me all the time. why do I hate it? I > > don't need coddling and false praise. I need reasonable expectations. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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