I HATE NADA!!!!!!

December 30, 2011

I've just had an argument with nada ...the first in about 3 years. She has been

in a rest home for that time and has become easier to manage, in part because

she's having all her needs met, but also because previous to that i had gone nc

with her for 2 years.

The argument was because she has a " rule " that she won't phone me, i must phone

her. My husband and I took her out the other week and she was in " superwaif "

mode ...very demanding, but pathetic at the same time. We gave her alot of

personal attention. I had to phone her on Tues 27th to tell her we couldn't see

her the following day (Wednesday) because I had been ill all Christmas. She

started arguing with me, telling me it wasn't Wednesday, it was Thursday, and i

told her to stop arguing - i didn't feel up to it. She asked me what was wrong

and it told her i thought it was pleurisy (it turned out to be a flu-like virus,

but it was very painful to breathe, i short of breath, tachycardic with a

roaring temperature). She said " oh my god " in a voice that made it sound like

" the end is nigh " and then said in her pathetic " caring " voice " you must ring me

darling and tell me what it is, cos i'll worry otherwise " .

Anyway, i didn't ring her and surprise surprise, no phone call from her. So I

just phoned and told her how hurt i am by her behaviour. She's such a cow!!!!!

December 30, 2011

I sympathize; its really, really difficult to stop expecting our pd parent to

change their negative, hurtful behaviors; to stop even hoping for change. My

own personal experience was that I kept hoping my nada would change, kept

forgiving her and trying again, and again, but she was only capable of

appearing to change for brief periods.

My nada felt entitled to be domineering, demanding and perfectionistic towards

us, but she'd make the effort to reign in these behaviors toward Sister (and

me) when she'd had enough of being in No Contact with us. It got to be a

regularly repeating pattern of interaction. Mom would say something

particularly ugly and hateful to Sister or about Sister (and/or about me, or

about Sister's son.) Sister (and I) would go No Contact with nada. Nada

would sulk for a while, but then would want contact again. She would promise to

behave better, and would do so for varying amounts of time. Then something

would trigger her and nada would turn venomous again, so, Sister and I would

re-initiate No Contact. Etc. This went on regularly for the last several years

of nada's life.

Nada even went into therapy as a condition of Sister and me resuming contact,

but we discovered that the therapy had no beneficial impact on nada at all.

Nada claimed that there was nothing at all wrong with her, she'd always been the

perfect mother to us, and it was Sister and I who were lying about her and being

hateful to her; she screamed that she only went to see the therapist because

we'd forced her to, and because it helped her learn how to to cope with and

handle us, her hateful, ungrateful, mentally ill adult children.

So, for your own peace of mind, I suggest that the sooner you can stop expecting

your mother to suddenly have an epiphany and change, to somehow miraculously be

cured of her bpd, the sooner you will stop being hurt every time she shows you

she can't change.

It helped me to accept that the degree of severity of my own mother's mental

illnesses meant that it wasn't that she would not change, it was more in the

nature that she *could* not change. She was too severely mentally ill to

comprehend that she was mentally ill. It was only when senile dementia ate away

most of mom's executive function that other people began experiencing the

bizarre, paranoid, delusional, ugly behaviors that nada had shown only to Sister

and me, and dad, and her foo, in her earlier years.

That's my own experience with this stuff, anyway. Each of us has to find the

method of coping or degree of disengaging or the philosophical standpoint that

works for you, personally, as each of us has a unique situation and set of

factors RE our own parent/child relationship.

-Annie

>

> I've just had an argument with nada ...the first in about 3 years. She has

been in a rest home for that time and has become easier to manage, in part

because she's having all her needs met, but also because previous to that i had

gone nc with her for 2 years.

>

> The argument was because she has a " rule " that she won't phone me, i must

phone her. My husband and I took her out the other week and she was in

" superwaif " mode ...very demanding, but pathetic at the same time. We gave her

alot of personal attention. I had to phone her on Tues 27th to tell her we

couldn't see her the following day (Wednesday) because I had been ill all

Christmas. She started arguing with me, telling me it wasn't Wednesday, it was

Thursday, and i told her to stop arguing - i didn't feel up to it. She asked me

what was wrong and it told her i thought it was pleurisy (it turned out to be a

flu-like virus, but it was very painful to breathe, i short of breath,

tachycardic with a roaring temperature). She said " oh my god " in a voice that

made it sound like " the end is nigh " and then said in her pathetic " caring "

voice " you must ring me darling and tell me what it is, cos i'll worry

otherwise " .

>

> Anyway, i didn't ring her and surprise surprise, no phone call from her. So I

just phoned and told her how hurt i am by her behaviour. She's such a cow!!!!!

>

December 30, 2011

No matter how bad you feel, what else is going on, for Nada it is *all about*

nada. That is the hardest part to come to grips with. It sounds like yours is a

lot like mine; she makes the appropriate sympathy sounds sometimes, giving us to

think they really care. But they are only reacting to their own fears of how it

affects THEM.

Then the topic becomes forgotten, much to our dismay, as we thought they would

follow up with some caring gesture. I know, it is nothing but crazy-making

behavior. Anytime they seem to *care* don't let yourself believe it!