Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Guest guest]

Dear WTO,

In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization that

I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's freeing

in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive distortions

and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also disturbing to

me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my split-good

siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an injury--but you

all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral judgment against

them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted. But now I see

(99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even though it doesn't

really hurt anyone except myself.

This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

--Charlotte

[Guest guest]

I have some traits of avoidant pd also, but I'm not sure if I have enough of

them to be formally diagnosed as avpd. Like you, I also have symptoms of c-ptsd

as well.

My avoidant behaviors only impact my ability to form long-term adult / sexual

relationships. If we're just talking friendships and work relationships, I'm

OK. I enjoy light socializing, get-togethers for dinners, seeing movies,

picnics, concerts, and other fun, recreational activities with friends.

But just the idea of being in a truly intimate relationship, the vulnerability

and trust that requires, and the intensity, conflict and drama that were

inherent in my parents' relationship... just the thought of that gives me hives.

If there is such a thing as " drama phobia " , then I've got that in spades.

Having someone even physically close to me makes me anxious; I don't enjoy

having a body massage, for example. I've tried it a few times, but instead of

relaxing me, I get more tense. To me it feels like being on display for the

purpose of being humiliated.

I felt so helpless and vulnerable as a child/young person; it seemed to me that

I was under constant scrutiny by nada's magnifying glass, that I had no privacy,

no personal boundaries; that plus nada's unpredictable mood swings meant I could

be attacked, used, abused, shamed, subjected to false accusations, my physical

imperfections cataloged and discussed and declared repulsive, that I could be

rejected or publicly embarrassed at any given moment... so the idea of being

that vulnerable again emotionally to another person is pretty damned scary to

me.

So... I can relate.

The good news is that unlike other pds, those with avoidant pd traits (and those

with c-ptsd traits) tend to be distressed by their condition (its

" ego-dystonic " ) and so are more willing to seek therapy and comply with therapy

in order to have a happier, more emotionally enriched and fulfilling life.

-Annie

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

>

> This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

>

> --Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Do you have any links to go to to see more about this? I think my BIL might have

this problem. He has always been very quiet and kept to himself and even has a

hard time connecting to his family. I noticed that when I sat next to him, on a

very large love seat, to watch a video of old home movies that my late husband

had made as a kid that he got up and moved within minutes. He does fairly well

with kids and seems to be more at ease with them, and not in a creepy way. He

has other things like a real core of anger that I have always seen in him, but I

really don't know him well enough to say much more about him. To say that he is

introverted is an understatement.

C

[Guest guest]

Wow. Really interesting that you'd bring this up. I've been wondering what the

hell is wrong with me. I have trouble with friendships. When a friend wants to

get too close, I get freaked out. I've always put it down to the fact that I've

had to look after Nada my whole life (and to a lesser extent Fada and brother)

so I'm just too tired for overly involved friendships.

Have a great relationship with my husband, though.

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

>

> This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

>

> --Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

You might find this description helpful

http://www.avoidantpersonality.com/apdcriterior/?topmenu . Some years ago I

looked into this pretty seriously and just like borderline there's a big range

between low and high functioning. Severe social phobia can also look pretty

similar too.

Eliza

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

>

> This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

>

> --Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Very interesting, I never heard of this before, but like many of you, I have

similar behaviors.

I started having panic attacks very young (elementary school) and I am sure it

was because of my crazy childhood. I learned to deal with the panic attacks by

talking myself down, but this really didn't solve the problem and by the time I

was college age, I was showing some agoraphobic traits. It eventually got so bad

I couldn't even leave my house without a " safe person " . These days I can

function better, but I still feel the anxiety. I don't think it will ever leave.

Annie, I don't enjoy massage either, I can't relax, I feel too vulnerable and I

have even made excuses (ie just plain lie to the therapist) in order to cut the

session short and leave. I think it all goes back to trust, which I saw

mentioned in the APD criterior. I don't trust anyone but a very small circle of

people, and unless I know that someone will be a friend for life, I don't want

to maintain any kind of fair-weather friendships. Ultimately, I think it is

because Nada trained me to believe that everyone talked bad about me behind my

back. It constantly messes with my head.

natalia

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

> >

> > This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

> >

> > --Charlotte

> >

>

[Guest guest]

<hand waves in the air>

I too qualify in the avoidant category, but not enough to be truly crippled. I

have to be very careful and push myself to get out of the house, make goals to

get things done. Social gatherings are difficult. I also have PTSD issues.

I think identifying these deficiencies are good in a way, helping us to overcome

fears. But be careful to not over label yourself, focusing on what you consider

deficiencies and not celebrating the wonderful things about yourself.

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

>

> This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

>

> --Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

I was about to respond to Charlotte, but after reading Annie's response, I

realized it was--almost every word--what I wanted to say.

I've forced myself to be in small groups and make lunch dates and persist in

friendships. Therapy has helped a lot, too.

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

> >

> > This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

> >

> > --Charlotte

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks very much to all of you for responding to this. All of it is very

helpful. I've been researching this a lot over the past few days, and I

definitely think it's the missing link to my moving forward. I'm still

convinced I'm Avoidant but my experience of it is body-phobia based, not

social-phobia based, and in that way I seem to be very different from all the

other accounts I'm reading. I might have more thoughts to share as I continue

to progress on this. In the meanwhile I'll just share that for any KO who

suspects this is an issue, it might be worth looking in to, especially if you

are living in a town where you didn't grow up--and that it might be worth it to

examine priorities to make sure they are best for you. I've had to put leaving

the house, regular laundry and daily hair washing right at the top of the list,

when I didn't understand they should be there before.

It's amazing. Recovering from nada is like peeling an endless onion.

Thanks again everyone,

Charlie

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > In researching my sister's co-dependency, I've just come to the realization

that I very likely have high-functioning Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's

freeing in that it helps me to understand and identify some of the cognitive

distortions and unhealthy behaviour patterns I'd not yet found--but it's also

disturbing to me. I think that I have been holding myself above nada and my

split-good siblings, saying, WELL, I *only have PTSD, and that's just an

injury--but you all have personality DISORDERS. I have been making a moral

judgment against them to help me feel better about the hurt they've inflicted.

But now I see (99% likely) that I have my own 'personality disorder'--even

though it doesn't really hurt anyone except myself.

> >

> > This is tough. If anyone has any words or wisdom or experience with this,

please feel free to contact me off or on-list to share. Important distinction:

this is not social anxiety, fear of being 'unpopular' or unable to

socialize/make small talk; this is avoidant, meaning terror of being SEEN, at

all, for nada-inflicted reasons. I now wee it is the underlying cause of

procrastination, over-eating, frequent moves and several other difficulties in

my life.

> >

> > --Charlotte

> >

>