Introducing the Boyfriend...

[Guest guest]

I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it from my parents

this whole time because I knew they would just grill and interrogate me about

him for hours on end. And, sadly, since I haven't separated myself enough from

them, I know that they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

prematurely.

But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as it's an

important part of my life. I've developed the relationship with my boyfriend

enough so that their comments won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might

have an effect).

SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling the nada or fada

about a new significant other? I live a few hundred miles away from parents, so

I don't know when they may meet him in person. But, I can just imagine that one

of the biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving someone else

more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy and the last thing I

want is more anxiety from home, from nada and fada telling me how he's " not good

for me " in some way or another...

Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New Year!

[Guest guest]

I don't have any tips excopt this one. Prepare your boy friend.

My nada spent the entire time running me down on our first

meeting with myself and my now dh. Prepare him for this. My dh

nearly called it off because of it.

Steph

Introducing the Boyfriend...

I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it

from my parents this whole time because I knew they would just

grill and interrogate me about him for hours on end. And, sadly,

since I haven't separated myself enough from them, I know that

they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

prematurely.

But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as

it's an important part of my life. I've developed the

relationship with my boyfriend enough so that their comments

won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might have an effect).

SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling

the nada or fada about a new significant other? I live a few

hundred miles away from parents, so I don't know when they may

meet him in person. But, I can just imagine that one of the

biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving someone

else more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy

and the last thing I want is more anxiety from home, from nada

and fada telling me how he's " not good for me " in some way or

another...

Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New

Year!

[Guest guest]

I've been in this situation too and believe me, it caused (and still

causes) a great deal of anxiety in my relationships with my BP mom and my

boyfriend. I agree with Steph, prepare your boyfriend. Inform him of the

BPD and if he's not familiar with the disorder, educate him so he knows

what you guys are getting into. If there are any sore subjects between you

and your parents, make sure he doesn't bring them up around them. That can

cause for a really bad first meeting/first impression, as it might spark

some harsh feelings on your parents' part or even start an argument. Just

be honest with him and honest with your parents.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now, and dealing

with my mom has been a DAILY battle through this relationship. She refused

to meet him for the longest time because she says I love him more than her

and she still refuses to meet his family. I recently got back from a trip

to visit his parents (they live 2 states away) and my mom is still

absolutely furious that I chose to spend a week with HIS family instead of

her. She keeps referring to them as my " new family, " and cutting herself

out of everything involving him or his parents. It's very childish and

immature, really. So my advice is to just prepare your boyfriend, prepare

your parents, be HONEST with everyone involved, and be very patient; it

WILL be hard for your boyfriend to accept the craziness of a BPD parent,

and equally as hard for your BPD parent(s?) to accept this new relationship

in your life. Above all else, don't let their opinions of him sway your

feelings for him. If you care about each other and you're willing to stick

it out with him to make this relationship work, then listen to YOUR HEART

and not their crazy BPD antics. Your happiness is what matters here, not

theirs (as hard as that is to accept sometimes). You don't live to please

your parents. So keep those things in mind as well

Good luck!!

On Sat, Dec 31, 2011 at 12:17 AM, pianolady78 wrote:

> **

>

>

> I don't have any tips excopt this one. Prepare your boy friend.

> My nada spent the entire time running me down on our first

> meeting with myself and my now dh. Prepare him for this. My dh

> nearly called it off because of it.

> Steph

>

>

> Introducing the Boyfriend...

>

> I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it

> from my parents this whole time because I knew they would just

> grill and interrogate me about him for hours on end. And, sadly,

> since I haven't separated myself enough from them, I know that

> they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

> prematurely.

>

> But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as

> it's an important part of my life. I've developed the

> relationship with my boyfriend enough so that their comments

> won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might have an effect).

>

> SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling

> the nada or fada about a new significant other? I live a few

> hundred miles away from parents, so I don't know when they may

> meet him in person. But, I can just imagine that one of the

> biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving someone

> else more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy

> and the last thing I want is more anxiety from home, from nada

> and fada telling me how he's " not good for me " in some way or

> another...

>

> Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New

> Year!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ack nadas and dating!!!!!!!

My nada unlike others here talk about loved when I dated!!!!

she called every day, to grill for all the details. she asked pushy annoying

questions, and begged me to admit I was in love/getting married.

there was a guy I never dated that Nada thought (still thinks)I should. he used

to give me rides home from college because it was not too far from where he

lived. she used to give him money for gas. she even slipped it into his back

pocket once (he was in really good shape, and was a farmer who wore tight jeans)

yikes.

she once invited a guy I was about to break up with to an extended family

reunion. and the jerk came!!!! she lectured and nagged constantly on how I

should be more affectionate to him and other garbage.

this was when I was living 4 hrs away. I hear it worse when she lives closer.

when my (now) husband went home with me to meet the parents, she went into what

I call the " nagging rage " when I tried to make a cake. she was convinced that I

was going to ruin it. she almost did . more than once.

when I got engaged she would call me every time she could and start EVERY

conversation with " so, are you still in love? " in a consprital smirky voice. I

told her as little as possible.

I actully let her do my wedding. it was just easier that way. I did not want to

deal with her. I told her what I wanted, adn she " tried "

she paid for it, so I let her have it. honestly I don't regret it.

Nada has a deep mistrust of photographers. she followed the poor guy around and

took every one of his shots with her own camera flash and all. it got really old

posing for everything twice.

my husband got to hear all about the other guys she thought I should marry.

so, try not to have ANY expectations. good luck. vent often we get it.

Meikjn

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I don't have any tips excopt this one. Prepare your boy friend.

> > My nada spent the entire time running me down on our first

> > meeting with myself and my now dh. Prepare him for this. My dh

> > nearly called it off because of it.

> > Steph

> >

> >

> > Introducing the Boyfriend...

> >

> > I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it

> > from my parents this whole time because I knew they would just

> > grill and interrogate me about him for hours on end. And, sadly,

> > since I haven't separated myself enough from them, I know that

> > they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

> > prematurely.

> >

> > But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as

> > it's an important part of my life. I've developed the

> > relationship with my boyfriend enough so that their comments

> > won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might have an effect).

> >

> > SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling

> > the nada or fada about a new significant other? I live a few

> > hundred miles away from parents, so I don't know when they may

> > meet him in person. But, I can just imagine that one of the

> > biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving someone

> > else more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy

> > and the last thing I want is more anxiety from home, from nada

> > and fada telling me how he's " not good for me " in some way or

> > another...

> >

> > Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New

> > Year!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Gosh I struggled with this issue too........

Maybe consider keeping the boyfriend a secret from your parents a bit longer. In

the meantime, try working at separating yourself from the enmeshment scenario

with them. Separating yourself can take time but ultimately I think it makes us

heathier emotionally and you'll fare better in your relationships from there.

I stopped introducing boyfriends to nada alltogether. I don't even speak to nada

whatsoever about my romantic life. I literally go silent when she probes. Her

tone is so conspiratory and smug indeed, good way to describe it. I learned that

nada's interest in my romantic life is not out of a sense of genuine interest or

concern; but only so she can put me down, gossip to her friends and humiliate me

later with the information. Nada will even go out of her way to embarass my

boyfriend or disparage me to them.

Over time nada has curiously become extremely angry and agressive regarding my

romantic life. I think my failure to marry at produce grandchildren for her (I'm

33) has angered her to the point where she complains bitterly. One time her

cousin and his wife were visiting from overseas and she asked me where " THE

BOYFRIEND " is. I stated he was busy working and she suddenly goes off on a

tangent to her guests about how I have been dating since I was 14 and there's

been a " steady procession " of men in my life for 15 years (this was a few years

ago). I was so embarassed by her nasty tone, I mumbled something about nada

painting me as a prostitute or something.... and her cousins wife actually stood

up to nada on my behalf. Nada also pretends to forget " the boyfriend " names. I

called her on it and after the last time I decided she has lost the privilege of

meeting new people in my life alltogether.

Ultimately a lot of nadas are incapable of feeilng happy for your new romance,

compassionate or otherwise normally towards new people in your life. Therefore,

in my experience, it's best to keep things down low until it's a serious,

grounded relationship where nada can't threaten it. Also, if you have a series

of break ups like me (ouch) nada doesn't have the power to make a painful

situation worse for you. My position is THE LESS NADA KNOWS, THE BETTER.

>

> I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it from my parents

this whole time because I knew they would just grill and interrogate me about

him for hours on end. And, sadly, since I haven't separated myself enough from

them, I know that they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

prematurely.

>

> But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as it's an

important part of my life. I've developed the relationship with my boyfriend

enough so that their comments won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might

have an effect).

>

> SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling the nada or

fada about a new significant other? I live a few hundred miles away from

parents, so I don't know when they may meet him in person. But, I can just

imagine that one of the biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving

someone else more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy and the

last thing I want is more anxiety from home, from nada and fada telling me how

he's " not good for me " in some way or another...

>

> Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New Year!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate the advice and stories and it's

good to know I'm not alone. My boyfriend has been incredibly helpful in getting

me through tough phone calls and situations with my parents, so he's more than

ready to know what to expect if he ever meets them (or, he at least seems up to

dealing with the challenge of meeting them if necessary haha...). I think we've

grounded our relationship enough that the parents can't brainwash me too much,

so here I go tomorrow, calling them to tell them of this " news. " I already know

they're going to dislike him regardless of what he is or could be, so I'm

setting the expectations low and plowing through : )

>

> I have been dating a guy for about a month now. I have kept it from my parents

this whole time because I knew they would just grill and interrogate me about

him for hours on end. And, sadly, since I haven't separated myself enough from

them, I know that they could very easily brainwash me into breaking up with him

prematurely.

>

> But...this isn't something I want to keep from them forever, as it's an

important part of my life. I've developed the relationship with my boyfriend

enough so that their comments won't penetrate AS deep (though they still might

have an effect).

>

> SO - -does anyone have tips and/or past experience in telling the nada or

fada about a new significant other? I live a few hundred miles away from

parents, so I don't know when they may meet him in person. But, I can just

imagine that one of the biggest nightmares of a bpd parent is their child loving

someone else more than them. I'm having a great time with this new guy and the

last thing I want is more anxiety from home, from nada and fada telling me how

he's " not good for me " in some way or another...

>

> Any tips would be really appreciated. Thanks all, and Happy New Year!

>