How to handle NADA's emails

[Guest guest]

Hello,

It has been a while since I have posted, but I am in need of some outside

advice.

To get strait to the point, I am at my wits end in dealing with my Nada's

emails. She is of the waif bpd type and is pulling the " I have only loved my

family from the bottom of my heart... everyone has abandoned me... why do you

cause me so much pain?.... You can only heal your pain by having a relationship

with me... etc. "

It has been several months I have limited contact with her to just email. The

last time I posted here was when I did it... my Nada wrote my an email with one

line, " Are we back in love again, my precious? " And it just disgusted me so

much I told her, " that's it... I'm limiting contact with you. " Of course she

doesn't understand why because she has only " loved. "

Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I had one of my friends, who is a psychologist

btw, read an email I sent and my Nada's reply. She agreed with me that my

Nada's email was really bad, and was shocked even more than I was at the email

(I guess I am used to the crazy language)

Anyway, so here is the latest drama... My brother-in-law answered the phone at

my sisters while I was there. (He's from another country and sometimes has

trouble understanding over the phone) He told me that my mom wanted to send me

Tangelo seeds and she wanted me to call her back (even though she knows I've

limited contact) So, I emailed her that I didn't need any seeds, and that I

still wanted to keep our contact to email.

She replied with a very curt and bold-letter email that she wanted to send me

seedless tangelos, not seeds, and " never mind! "

A few hours later, I receive a very long email from her telling me how she can

only love, how she never wanted a divorce from my father, how he abandoned us

(even though she filed for the divorce and took out a restraining order against

him, which she broke) And how I am causing her so much pain and I need to look

past my pain and love again.

I know it's futile to try and explain reality to her, because I've tried before

and she gets hysterical. Another very good friend of mine was explaining to me

how a friendship has to be an exchange between two people, and really, she is

not willing to exchange even if she thinks so... she wants things exactly how

she wants them and God forbid if things don't go exactly her way.

I feel so conflicted because I really feel bad for her. And yet, I feel

helpless and cannot help her. I'm afraid if I really confront her with truth,

that she won't be able to take it and she will try to kill herself. I don't

want to see her in pain, and yet, she causes it herself. It is not healthy for

me at this moment to have any contact with her other than email.

Please, does anyone have any suggestions or advice. I hope I didn't ramble on

too long.

[Guest guest]

I personally think your gut instincts are correct and your nada's communications

are not about love, they are about her unfillable black hole of emotional need.

If this was happening to me, I'd just send nada a very short note along the

lines of:

" I need a time out, mom. I need to just focus on my own stuff, my own healing,

so you won't be hearing from me for (insert approximate time frame here.)

Thanks for understanding. I'll let you know when I feel ready to get back in

regular contact with you. "

So, you're not telling nada she is bad or she's damaging you or she's insane,

you're just stating that you need some time off from the relationship and you

won't be in touch for a while. Note that you are not asking her if its OK,

you're simply informing her of your decision as a courtesy.

I think the most difficult part about having a Waif nada for a KO is shedding

the inappropriate and misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for keeping

nada happy or stable. You are feeling these inappropriate feelings because

your nada parentified you, and its SO WRONG and abusive to turn your own child

into your " parent. " Parentifying is exploitative and narcissistic; its the

opposite of parenting. Its like emotional cannibalism in which the adult parent

feeds on their own child.

The truth is that you are NOT responsible for your nada's happiness. She is

responsible for her own feelings, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors, not you. You

did not make your mother mentally ill, and you can't cure her. All you can do

is urge her to seek therapy for herself if she feels unhappy, and you can

protect yourself from further abuse.

So, again, if this was me, I'd send the short note and then completely *block*

all of nada's electronic access, block her phone number, etc. for as long as

you need to: either permanently or until you do feel that you are ready, willing

and able to resume some form of contact, with protective boundaries and

consequences firmly in place.

Best of luck to you.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> It has been a while since I have posted, but I am in need of some outside

advice.

>

> To get strait to the point, I am at my wits end in dealing with my Nada's

emails. She is of the waif bpd type and is pulling the " I have only loved my

family from the bottom of my heart... everyone has abandoned me... why do you

cause me so much pain?.... You can only heal your pain by having a relationship

with me... etc. "

>

> It has been several months I have limited contact with her to just email. The

last time I posted here was when I did it... my Nada wrote my an email with one

line, " Are we back in love again, my precious? " And it just disgusted me so

much I told her, " that's it... I'm limiting contact with you. " Of course she

doesn't understand why because she has only " loved. "

>

> Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I had one of my friends, who is a

psychologist btw, read an email I sent and my Nada's reply. She agreed with me

that my Nada's email was really bad, and was shocked even more than I was at the

email (I guess I am used to the crazy language)

>

> Anyway, so here is the latest drama... My brother-in-law answered the phone at

my sisters while I was there. (He's from another country and sometimes has

trouble understanding over the phone) He told me that my mom wanted to send me

Tangelo seeds and she wanted me to call her back (even though she knows I've

limited contact) So, I emailed her that I didn't need any seeds, and that I

still wanted to keep our contact to email.

> She replied with a very curt and bold-letter email that she wanted to send me

seedless tangelos, not seeds, and " never mind! "

> A few hours later, I receive a very long email from her telling me how she can

only love, how she never wanted a divorce from my father, how he abandoned us

(even though she filed for the divorce and took out a restraining order against

him, which she broke) And how I am causing her so much pain and I need to look

past my pain and love again.

>

> I know it's futile to try and explain reality to her, because I've tried

before and she gets hysterical. Another very good friend of mine was explaining

to me how a friendship has to be an exchange between two people, and really, she

is not willing to exchange even if she thinks so... she wants things exactly how

she wants them and God forbid if things don't go exactly her way.

>

> I feel so conflicted because I really feel bad for her. And yet, I feel

helpless and cannot help her. I'm afraid if I really confront her with truth,

that she won't be able to take it and she will try to kill herself. I don't

want to see her in pain, and yet, she causes it herself. It is not healthy for

me at this moment to have any contact with her other than email.

>

> Please, does anyone have any suggestions or advice. I hope I didn't ramble on

too long.

>

[Guest guest]

In addition to what Annie said, I'd like to add that while you're taking your

time out, go to your mail options and have all nada's emails filtered to your

trash or bulk mail where they are automatically deleted.

My nada never respected my request to stop emailing me....but I had no idea

until she asked why I wasn't responding to her emails ( because they were being

automatically deleted!)

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > It has been a while since I have posted, but I am in need of some outside

advice.

> >

> > To get strait to the point, I am at my wits end in dealing with my Nada's

emails. She is of the waif bpd type and is pulling the " I have only loved my

family from the bottom of my heart... everyone has abandoned me... why do you

cause me so much pain?.... You can only heal your pain by having a relationship

with me... etc. "

> >

> > It has been several months I have limited contact with her to just email.

The last time I posted here was when I did it... my Nada wrote my an email with

one line, " Are we back in love again, my precious? " And it just disgusted me so

much I told her, " that's it... I'm limiting contact with you. " Of course she

doesn't understand why because she has only " loved. "

> >

> > Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I had one of my friends, who is a

psychologist btw, read an email I sent and my Nada's reply. She agreed with me

that my Nada's email was really bad, and was shocked even more than I was at the

email (I guess I am used to the crazy language)

> >

> > Anyway, so here is the latest drama... My brother-in-law answered the phone

at my sisters while I was there. (He's from another country and sometimes has

trouble understanding over the phone) He told me that my mom wanted to send me

Tangelo seeds and she wanted me to call her back (even though she knows I've

limited contact) So, I emailed her that I didn't need any seeds, and that I

still wanted to keep our contact to email.

> > She replied with a very curt and bold-letter email that she wanted to send

me seedless tangelos, not seeds, and " never mind! "

> > A few hours later, I receive a very long email from her telling me how she

can only love, how she never wanted a divorce from my father, how he abandoned

us (even though she filed for the divorce and took out a restraining order

against him, which she broke) And how I am causing her so much pain and I need

to look past my pain and love again.

> >

> > I know it's futile to try and explain reality to her, because I've tried

before and she gets hysterical. Another very good friend of mine was explaining

to me how a friendship has to be an exchange between two people, and really, she

is not willing to exchange even if she thinks so... she wants things exactly how

she wants them and God forbid if things don't go exactly her way.

> >

> > I feel so conflicted because I really feel bad for her. And yet, I feel

helpless and cannot help her. I'm afraid if I really confront her with truth,

that she won't be able to take it and she will try to kill herself. I don't

want to see her in pain, and yet, she causes it herself. It is not healthy for

me at this moment to have any contact with her other than email.

> >

> > Please, does anyone have any suggestions or advice. I hope I didn't ramble

on too long.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my, first of all BIG hugs to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

From reading your post, it sounds like you know this all ready but I

want to reiterate something. " Always " and " Never " statements are

rarely true. When your nada says, " You can only heal your pain by

having a relationship with me " , that is at it's core an " always "

statement. Like I said, it sounds like you understand this, and for

that I'm glad! Because she's wrong, that is not the ONLY way to heal.

Period.

As for the rest of it, I'm glad you've gotten validation by allowing

someone else to read the email and express their own opinion.

Especially from a friend who is a mental health professional. That's

awesome.

It is hard to feel conflicted like this. I know you feel bad for her

but this is her choice, her decision. She is an adult and she is not

in charge of anyone else in this world but herself. And if she does

try to harm herself, this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please let me repeat

that... if she does try to harm herself, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT! That

is the lowest form of manipulation, IMO... using the threat of self

harm to FOG a " loved on " . (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

I think your gut is trying to tell you something. One thing I had to

learn in my journey to heal was to listen to my gut. I encourage you

to do the same, and it's ok to talk to a professional for you if you

need some help with that!

Good luck. I wish I had a clear cut answer, but these situations we

deal with here aren't so clear cut.

Mia

[Guest guest]

I am sending you my mental tshirt, please have your psyche self put it on and

read it daily.

it says....

THERE IS NO REASONING WITH CRAZY PEOPLE

(it is a waste of your time and energy)

Give yourself a break, even my nada has a moment of clarity now and then and

admits that she is a " difficult person " Of course she calls me within a matter

of days and explains how everything is really everyone else's fault. This has

been her MO long enough that I can almost time it. The occasional glimmer of

truth, quickley covered over with loads of denial.

[Guest guest]

Cmebfree

OMG I love your mental shirt. Just wanted to let you know that made my day. You

are so totally right there is no way to reason with a crazy person they just

don't get it. Thanks for the smile and the laugh!

B

Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

Re: How to handle NADA's emails

I am sending you my mental tshirt, please have your psyche self put it on and

read it daily.

it says....

THERE IS NO REASONING WITH CRAZY PEOPLE

(it is a waste of your time and energy)

Give yourself a break, even my nada has a moment of clarity now and then and

admits that she is a " difficult person " Of course she calls me within a matter

of days and explains how everything is really everyone else's fault. This has

been her MO long enough that I can almost time it. The occasional glimmer of

truth, quickley covered over with loads of denial.

[Guest guest]

B

you want a great laugh, go back and read some of the replies when this was a

thread I created Search for

create your mental T-shirt

There was one reply in particular that had me positively rolling with laughter.

C

>

> Cmebfree

>

> OMG I love your mental shirt. Just wanted to let you know that made my day.

You are so totally right there is no way to reason with a crazy person they just

don't get it. Thanks for the smile and the laugh!

>

>

> B

>

> Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

>

> Re: How to handle NADA's emails

>

> I am sending you my mental tshirt, please have your psyche self put it on and

read it daily.

> it says....

>

> THERE IS NO REASONING WITH CRAZY PEOPLE

> (it is a waste of your time and energy)

>

> Give yourself a break, even my nada has a moment of clarity now and then and

admits that she is a " difficult person " Of course she calls me within a matter

of days and explains how everything is really everyone else's fault. This has

been her MO long enough that I can almost time it. The occasional glimmer of

truth, quickley covered over with loads of denial.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>