Re: Just Learning About BPD and Mom

July 4, 2011

Welcome to the group. I have found that when people join a lot of times they

write very long posts. These are very validating and helpful to read because

typically that is when they list all the behaviors of the bpd in their life and

I always glean some new insight or commonality. One thing I noted, when you

talked about the 'side insults' your mom slings at people, was that if I were to

try to come up with a single warning sign of a bpd 'out in the world' i.e. not

related to me, that I have encountered over the years, every time, the first

warning was that they throw digs like this. You get zinged out of the blue. With

at least three people, two of my borderline sister in laws and one former close

'friend' I have overlooked these comments and questioned my own sense of

reality. Those little insults were warning signs to a much more serious

personality problem.

Your mom sounds like she has been extremely destructive and damaging to you, way

beyond your help and probably beyond the help of psychiatriy without serious

real committment on her part which apparently is very lacking. First you have to

learn that the damage to you is real and then learn to stop trying to save her

and save yourself instead. It's very tough sometimes and almost impossible

without validation, which is what I find is most valuable to me about this

group, we are all validated by sharing our common stories.

>

> Thanks to every body in this group for your honest, heartfelt posts and

emails. They help me realize that I am not alone in my experience and in my

feelings.

>

> I am almost 34 years old and a new mother myself. Only now, because of some

things I heard from random acquaintances and, then, because of what a therapist

showed me about how my mom fit the description of a BPD, am I learning about how

BPD manifests itself and how it affects the lives of the children of BPD's. Only

now am I beginning to see how it has affected every single choice, relationship,

experience and feeling in my entire life. Only now am I realizing that none of

the misery I experienced was my fault.

>

> I have always felt that I was bad, that there was something wrong with me,

that I was an ungrateful daughter, that I was a worthless piece of poop whose

life, health, safety and security did not matter. I thought I had to be perfect

to deserve love and to live. No matter how hard I worked in school, or at

ballet, or to be thin and pretty, polite, helpful and kind, or how much I bent

over backwards to win my mother's approval, or get into the best schools, or

excel in every area I could, I still felt that my life had little to no worth.

Even saving my mother's life once did not end the vicious cycle of being sucked

into what seemed like a loving relationship, only to be verbally and emotionally

abused again and again. Feeling alone and damaged, trapped and unable to

express my true feelings led me to be bulimic by the age of 10, have an ulcerous

gastrointestinal system by the age of 11, a drinking problem by my teens and

twenties, food issues for over a decade, unhealthy love relationships, and an

attraction to toxic " friends. " I have suffered from terrible co-dependency, a

total inability to identify, ask for and expect the fulfillment of my needs, or

to set boundaries or remove myself, when my needs are being trampled on.

>

> What has made my feeling trapped in an insane reality even worse is that my

mother is a gorgeous, successful, brilliant, accomplished woman who acts like a

big saint to many people. Her house always looks immaculate and perfect. And

she has always showered me with money and gifts. But that was to buy the right

to treat me however she wanted. I am realizing that I have to give her a refund.

Which will no doubt cause a dramatic reaction and I am trying to let that be ok.

Imagine getting mad at someone for not accepting money from you?

>

> One minute, my mother was calling me " the Christ child, " and another, she was

withholding love, ignoring me for days, not accepting my apologies (for her

hurting my feelings). My father would make me go beg her for her love back, " to

keep the peace, " and she wouldn't give it. One second, we'd be out shopping and

laughing, the next she would turn on me and I wouldn't know why. If I cried,

she called me " a manipulative little bitch. " If I stood up for myself, she

would act like a victim. If I got less than an A, I was " no longer an

exceptional person. " If I wasn't underweight, I was " fat " to her and my dad.

Her care packages to me were packs of diet pills! If I cut my bangs, I was " no

longer classically beautiful. " If I said she was being unfair, it was, " tell

your daughter to go f*%$ herself. " She told me that my father having affairs

with girls my age was " a transference of his desire " for me. She told me she

wanted to kill herself and it was my fault. I could hurt her feelings without

knowing what I did and then it was a big drama and I was a bad person and I

would apologize and apologize to no avail. Once, I stayed in a hotel rather

than with her. She acted like I was killing her. She enmeshes herself

completely in my life, in my relationships, friendships, work relationships,

constantly tells me what to do about absolutely everything, no matter how big or

small, no matter how many times I tell her to respect me as an adult.

>

> A few years ago, I started going to AA and then Al-Anon/ACA to " fix what was

wrong with me. " I started to learn to set boundaries, which made her say, " stop

beating me up. " And saying how her behavior made me feel made her say " stop

picking on me. " She assumed she would be in the delivery room with me for my

labor and I people pleased her, saying yes. But when my partner helped me see

that that would not be good for me and I told her I didn't want her there, she

threw a huge dramatic fit, making it all about her and even having her best

friend call me to tell me what a horrible daughter I was and how could I do this

to my poor mother who was sobbing alone in the subway? This is when I was 9

months pregnant! My mom arrived shortly after the labor and then proceeded to

throw fits about every little thing, so that I found myself taking care of her

while I was healing in the hospital!

>

> No amount of asking her to respect my boundaries works. I finally realized

that I have to create my own boundaries and let her reaction be what it will,

even if she vilifies me to all our friends and family, who I imagine will all

take her side because she is the " perfect mother " and I will be an " ungrateful

daughter " again. They will say, " don't crucify her. nobody's perfect. " Yes,

but there is a difference between loving and accepting someone warts and all and

accepting persistent lifelong abuse because every once in a while that person

acts half-decent.

>

> She criticizes me, puts me down, zings sarcastic little side jabs you could

miss if you weren't paying attention, says mean things about me to my

9-month-old daughter who doesn't understand, but so she can get away with

abusing me without looking in my face. She puts down my partner, makes fun of

him and me, complains about him and me to everyone who will listen, but also

brags about us too much. But then she also says and does nice things, so I get

confused. And she chooses friends who corroborate her world view, but when they

don't, she bad mouths them to me. And when I don't comply, she bad mouths me to

them. She chooses friends with big problems, so that she can feel superior.

She infantilizes me and and plays up my problems, so she can portray herself as

my " savior. " Recently, I saw her triangulate with a friend of hers against

another friend. When the ostracized friend pointed out my mother's behavior in

an email, my mother forwarded me the email and said, " Isn't this friend crazy? "

Then, I realized, that's what my mother has been doing to me all this time,

abusing me and saying I'm crazy for thinking so.

>

> When I was in my early twenties, I tried to free my mind. I wrote to my

agnostic parents about how we were all one, there was a compassionate universe

and there was nothing to fear. I chose not to edit my writing, in order to free

myself from the scrutiny of my parents' overcritical eyes. At the same time, I

let a dissembling ex walk into my life and break my heart. I felt betrayed by

the compassionate universe I thought I had found and made the mistake of sharing

that with my parents. They put me in a mental institution! Thank God, the

wonderful psychiatrist there told me, " There's nothing wrong with you. You had

a spiritual and intellectual awakening that made you feel very open and then

someone walked into that space and broke your heart. Your parents made a

mistake bringing you here. "

>

> When I was a little girl, everything would seem fine and then my mother would

suddenly slam doors, break plates, throw knives and the world would turn upside

down. But the only people who knew about it were my dad and me. No one else

would have believed us if we'd said so. In my twenties, she threw a knife at my

father's forehead and drew blood. But, according to her, she's the victim in

the dissolution of their relationship!

>

> I completely identify with what people have been saying about not wanting to

make amends to their BPD moms (is that what " nada " means?). I have been

apologizing all my life to my mom for her behavior. I have been trying to make

her feel better about her abuse of me. I have put her feelings first over and

over again to the great detriment of my own. It's time to start making amends to

myself. She's always saying, " I was a GREAT mother. " And when I don't jump in

right away to agree, she says, " At least *I* think I was! "

>

> She has taken sleeping pills pretty much every night of her life for at least

25 years. She has abused alcohol, cocaine, cigarettes. She puts herself down

physically constantly and it has always been my " job " to tell her over and over

again that she is thin and pretty to no avail. Nothing I do can every show her

I love her enough. She spends so much time trying to make her facade perfect,

with little to no effort spent on her internal life. She's always saying that

she's " better " at this or that than other people. She told me recently that

she's one of the happy people and I'm not. When I told my partner, he almost

died laughing.

>

> She did go to therapy for a while and it helped our relationship temporarily.

I don't know if the therapist diagnosed her, but my mom told me she did say,

" You're more sensitive than other people. " But my mom kept leaving therapy

because she was just using it " situationally " and " didn't need it in any

long-term way. "

>

> My mother manifests all of the PD qualities I've read about, including

thinking she doesn't have to change or apologize for anything, she's perfect and

every one else is crazy, at fault and victimizing her. I have read that when

your parents won't apologize to you when they make a mistake, you learn that you

should not expect compassion.

>

> I also identify with the people who share about their gifts never being good

enough.

>

> I could go on and on, more than I already have. I am a little embarrassed by

my stream-of-consciousness expulsion of all I have been holding in for so long.

Thank you so much for providing a safe space.

>

July 5, 2011

Because some people have all the parenting instincts and skills of monitor

lizards; these creatures lay their eggs and instead of guarding their nest will

wander off to feed and reproduce again, then sometimes wander back again and eat

their own eggs or hatchlings. Unfortunately, it would seem that some of us are

born to the human-shaped monitor lizards.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks to every body in this group for your honest, heartfelt posts

and emails. They help me realize that I am not alone in my experience and in my

feelings.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am almost 34 years old and a new mother myself. Only now, because of

some things I heard from random acquaintances and, then, because of what a

therapist showed me about how my mom fit the description of a BPD, am I learning

about how BPD manifests itself and how it affects the lives of the children of

BPD's. Only now am I beginning to see how it has affected every single choice,

relationship, experience and feeling in my entire life. Only now am I realizing

that none of the misery I experienced was my fault.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have always felt that I was bad, that there was something wrong with

me, that I was an ungrateful daughter, that I was a worthless piece of poop

whose life, health, safety and security did not matter. I thought I had to be

perfect to deserve love and to live. No matter how hard I worked in school, or

at ballet, or to be thin and pretty, polite, helpful and kind, or how much I

bent over backwards to win my mother's approval, or get into the best schools,

or excel in every area I could, I still felt that my life had little to no

worth. Even saving my mother's life once did not end the vicious cycle of being

sucked into what seemed like a loving relationship, only to be verbally and

emotionally abused again and again. Feeling alone and damaged, trapped and

unable to express my true feelings led me to be bulimic by the age of 10, have

an ulcerous gastrointestinal system by the age of 11, a drinking problem by my

teens and twenties, food issues for over a decade, unhealthy love relationships,

and an attraction to toxic " friends. " I have suffered from terrible

co-dependency, a total inability to identify, ask for and expect the fulfillment

of my needs, or to set boundaries or remove myself, when my needs are being

trampled on.

> > > > >

> > > > > What has made my feeling trapped in an insane reality even worse is

that my mother is a gorgeous, successful, brilliant, accomplished woman who acts

like a big saint to many people. Her house always looks immaculate and perfect.

And she has always showered me with money and gifts. But that was to buy the

right to treat me however she wanted. I am realizing that I have to give her a

refund. Which will no doubt cause a dramatic reaction and I am trying to let

that be ok. Imagine getting mad at someone for not accepting money from you?

> > > > >

> > > > > One minute, my mother was calling me " the Christ child, " and another,

she was withholding love, ignoring me for days, not accepting my apologies (for

her hurting my feelings). My father would make me go beg her for her love back,

" to keep the peace, " and she wouldn't give it. One second, we'd be out shopping

and laughing, the next she would turn on me and I wouldn't know why. If I

cried, she called me " a manipulative little bitch. " If I stood up for myself,

she would act like a victim. If I got less than an A, I was " no longer an