How should I act in responce to this Email?

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with my Mother

for 2 years now.

The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing too

dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a

threatening tone etc.

Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just couldn't

stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them. All of these

things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking* about them, not

speaking about being in contact with them.

Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work, and I do

feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be able to go back to

being in contact with them (this time from a strong point, and not a little son

that has to do whatever they tell him to do).

The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll be in a

few more month.

One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my apartment,

told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back to be in contact

with them. I told them that I need to think about it and I'll write them an

Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready to go back, I wrote in the Email

I sent after a few days that right now I don't feel safe being in home or in

contact with it, that I need time, and that I'll let them know when I feel I'm

ready to go back.

A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my Father:

(my comments in [ ] )

Dear Jack,

I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even pray that

you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that the things you do

bring you fulfillment and joy.

It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in, with our

hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery cake], and 2 years

since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there still was some connection

via email, and they did come to my street once].

I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in order to

begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a pattern that he

thinks he has the power to do anything].

Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to me?],

Love

Dad

What should I respond back?

I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know when I feel

OK to be in contact? "

I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give some type

of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want to give the sense

that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in contact, just that I need

time before I do that. On the other hand, I don't want to give the impression

that I am " under their will " or something like that.

Thanks a lot!

Jack

[Guest guest]

I felt uncomfortable for you reading your fathers note. It was full of FOG, fear

obligation and guilt. If your answer is " I still need more time " then i dont see

why you cant just write that. Good luck!

Sent from my mobile device.

> Hi,

>

> I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with my Mother

for 2 years now.

> The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing too

dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a

threatening tone etc.

> Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

> And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just

couldn't stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them. All of

these things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking* about them,

not speaking about being in contact with them.

>

> Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work, and I do

feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be able to go back to

being in contact with them (this time from a strong point, and not a little son

that has to do whatever they tell him to do).

> The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll be in a

few more month.

>

> One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my

apartment, told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back to be

in contact with them. I told them that I need to think about it and I'll write

them an Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready to go back, I wrote in

the Email I sent after a few days that right now I don't feel safe being in home

or in contact with it, that I need time, and that I'll let them know when I feel

I'm ready to go back.

>

> A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my Father:

>

> (my comments in [ ] )

>

> Dear Jack,

>

> I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even pray that

you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that the things you do

bring you fulfillment and joy.

> It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in, with our

hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery cake], and 2 years

since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there still was some connection

via email, and they did come to my street once].

> I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in order to

begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a pattern that he

thinks he has the power to do anything].

> Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to me?],

> Love

> Dad

>

> What should I respond back?

> I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know when I

feel OK to be in contact? "

>

> I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give some

type of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want to give the

sense that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in contact, just that I

need time before I do that. On the other hand, I don't want to give the

impression that I am " under their will " or something like that.

>

> Thanks a lot!

> Jack

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with MK. If you are not ready, a simple " I'm not ready " will

suffice. You do not need to explain yourself any further.

Best of luck & happy belated birthday!

Mia

>

>

>

> I felt uncomfortable for you reading your fathers note. It was full of FOG,

fear obligation and guilt. If your answer is " I still need more time " then i

dont see why you cant just write that. Good luck!

>

> Sent from my mobile device.

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, you've already stated clearly that you will contact your parents

when YOU are ready; you don't have to repeat this communication. If this were

me, I'd ignore his e-mail and block all his electronic and phone access to you.

All emails from your parents go into a special folder, which you never open.

Not answering the e-mail would be one more step along the path to breaking away

from even the idea that you must obey them, that you must respond. You are an

adult, you do not have to answer the phone, or the door, or an e-mail from your

parents if you don't want to.

In a way, not answering is making your n-dad obey *you*.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with my Mother

for 2 years now.

> The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing too

dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a

threatening tone etc.

> Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

> And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just

couldn't stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them. All of

these things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking* about them,

not speaking about being in contact with them.

>

> Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work, and I do

feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be able to go back to

being in contact with them (this time from a strong point, and not a little son

that has to do whatever they tell him to do).

> The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll be in a

few more month.

>

> One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my

apartment, told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back to be

in contact with them. I told them that I need to think about it and I'll write

them an Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready to go back, I wrote in

the Email I sent after a few days that right now I don't feel safe being in home

or in contact with it, that I need time, and that I'll let them know when I feel

I'm ready to go back.

>

> A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my Father:

>

> (my comments in [ ] )

>

> Dear Jack,

>

> I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even pray that

you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that the things you do

bring you fulfillment and joy.

> It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in, with our

hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery cake], and 2 years

since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there still was some connection

via email, and they did come to my street once].

> I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in order to

begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a pattern that he

thinks he has the power to do anything].

> Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to me?],

> Love

> Dad

>

> What should I respond back?

> I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know when I

feel OK to be in contact? "

>

> I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give some

type of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want to give the

sense that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in contact, just that I

need time before I do that. On the other hand, I don't want to give the

impression that I am " under their will " or something like that.

>

> Thanks a lot!

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jack, Happy New Year! I'm in the Do Not Answer camp in regards to the email

your Dad sent. I think answering is engaging and as another member said, the

email is full of blame and shame. There has been no reflection on either

parents' part about why their son needs to go NC. If they had reflected they

would have said something that rang a little remorseful, there would be some

kind of apologetic hint. Instead, this email comes off as follows. Here's my

translation:

" Well, you're certainly being a pain in the butt and we're tired of it, so tell

us what little song and dance we have to do for you to get you back. We're not

sorry, not one bit. And oh by the way, we just can't wait to start bugging you

and punishing you because that's what we really need you for. "

That's how this email sounds to me. I received a very similar letter in the past

from my parents and I threw it out without answering. You have already explained

yourself. They have done nothing to address the reasons why you left in the

first place. So providing an answer is breaking your own NC and encouraging them

to pester you.

That's my opinion, only.

Here's great big hug and wishing you all the best in 2012,

AFB

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with my Mother

for 2 years now.

> The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing too

dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a

threatening tone etc.

> Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

> And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just

couldn't stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them. All of

these things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking* about them,

not speaking about being in contact with them.

>

> Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work, and I do

feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be able to go back to

being in contact with them (this time from a strong point, and not a little son

that has to do whatever they tell him to do).

> The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll be in a

few more month.

>

> One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my

apartment, told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back to be

in contact with them. I told them that I need to think about it and I'll write

them an Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready to go back, I wrote in

the Email I sent after a few days that right now I don't feel safe being in home

or in contact with it, that I need time, and that I'll let them know when I feel

I'm ready to go back.

>

> A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my Father:

>

> (my comments in [ ] )

>

> Dear Jack,

>

> I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even pray that

you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that the things you do

bring you fulfillment and joy.

> It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in, with our

hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery cake], and 2 years

since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there still was some connection

via email, and they did come to my street once].

> I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in order to

begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a pattern that he

thinks he has the power to do anything].

> Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to me?],

> Love

> Dad

>

> What should I respond back?

> I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know when I

feel OK to be in contact? "

>

> I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give some

type of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want to give the

sense that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in contact, just that I

need time before I do that. On the other hand, I don't want to give the

impression that I am " under their will " or something like that.

>

> Thanks a lot!

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Annie and AFB that by them even sending this email, they are

breaking boundaries that you have instituted, and expecting you to allow it. In

a way, you have by reading the email before YOU are ready to continue contact.

But that's okay, we all do that out of curiosity, but I think answering it would

be a big mistake. You are not obligated to respond to an email that is a direct

violation of the NC boundaries you have set when you said from the first that

you would contact them when you were ready. By coming to your apartment they

were breaking the boundaries, and you had a conversation with them, which

rewarded them for violating your boundaries. So my vote, if I got one, would be

to delete and ignore that email. And know this, if/when you don't respond, they

may escalate attempts to get a reaction out of you. This is normal and called an

extinction burst. You can Google that phrase to understand it better. But I

think your healing will do better if you don't respond.

I know it's hard. Best of luck!

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with my Mother

for 2 years now.

> The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing too

dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a

threatening tone etc.

> Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

> And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just

couldn't stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them. All of

these things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking* about them,

not speaking about being in contact with them.

>

> Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work, and I do

feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be able to go back to

being in contact with them (this time from a strong point, and not a little son

that has to do whatever they tell him to do).

> The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll be in a

few more month.

>

> One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my

apartment, told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back to be

in contact with them. I told them that I need to think about it and I'll write

them an Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready to go back, I wrote in

the Email I sent after a few days that right now I don't feel safe being in home

or in contact with it, that I need time, and that I'll let them know when I feel

I'm ready to go back.

>

> A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my Father:

>

> (my comments in [ ] )

>

> Dear Jack,

>

> I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even pray that

you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that the things you do

bring you fulfillment and joy.

> It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in, with our

hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery cake], and 2 years

since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there still was some connection

via email, and they did come to my street once].

> I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in order to

begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a pattern that he

thinks he has the power to do anything].

> Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to me?],

> Love

> Dad

>

> What should I respond back?

> I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know when I

feel OK to be in contact? "

>

> I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give some

type of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want to give the

sense that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in contact, just that I

need time before I do that. On the other hand, I don't want to give the

impression that I am " under their will " or something like that.

>

> Thanks a lot!

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

I love this group. There's a heapin'helpin' goin' on. Jack, this point had

escaped my notice at first:

" In a way, you have [broken rules of NC] by reading the email before YOU are

ready to continue contact. "

This is a good point and here's why. One of the beautiful things about NC is

that it offers protection, rest and healing from the intrusions of a PD parent.

If PDs are able to break boundaries by picking up the phone or sending an email

or letter at every whim for you to accept and answer, that's not NC. KOs need

safeguards in place so that we are protected from intrusions like this. We need

to be blissfully protected in a safe place where nada and fada can email and

call and write all they wish (and they do wish, and they will do) without

bothering us, even without our knowledge. Previous emails detailed ways to

protect your phone and email account. You can't stop snail mail, but you can

shred letters before they are opened.

This latest email from your nada and fada shows they have nothing new to say or

offer. They've lobbed a ball and it's your choice whether you want to play the

game or let the ball drop and walk off the playing court.

Best regards,

AFB

>

> I agree with Annie and AFB that by them even sending this email, they are

breaking boundaries that you have instituted, and expecting you to allow it. In

a way, you have by reading the email before YOU are ready to continue contact.

But that's okay, we all do that out of curiosity, but I think answering it would

be a big mistake. You are not obligated to respond to an email that is a direct

violation of the NC boundaries you have set when you said from the first that

you would contact them when you were ready. By coming to your apartment they

were breaking the boundaries, and you had a conversation with them, which

rewarded them for violating your boundaries. So my vote, if I got one, would be

to delete and ignore that email. And know this, if/when you don't respond, they

may escalate attempts to get a reaction out of you. This is normal and called an

extinction burst. You can Google that phrase to understand it better. But I

think your healing will do better if you don't respond.

>

> I know it's hard. Best of luck!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi again,

Thanks a lot for your replies!

You helped me a lot. I feel much more confident now in my decision.

AFB - I loved your " translation " ...

Have a great weekend and thanks again,

Jack

> >

> > I agree with Annie and AFB that by them even sending this email, they are

breaking boundaries that you have instituted, and expecting you to allow it. In

a way, you have by reading the email before YOU are ready to continue contact.

But that's okay, we all do that out of curiosity, but I think answering it would

be a big mistake. You are not obligated to respond to an email that is a direct

violation of the NC boundaries you have set when you said from the first that

you would contact them when you were ready. By coming to your apartment they

were breaking the boundaries, and you had a conversation with them, which

rewarded them for violating your boundaries. So my vote, if I got one, would be

to delete and ignore that email. And know this, if/when you don't respond, they

may escalate attempts to get a reaction out of you. This is normal and called an

extinction burst. You can Google that phrase to understand it better. But I

think your healing will do better if you don't respond.

> >

> > I know it's hard. Best of luck!

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jack,

Sorry if this message is a couple weeks late, I've been away from the

listhost for a while, but I just wanted to send a supportive message and

echo what everyone's said so well. I am 26 too so I know what it feels like

to be going through this as a young person, especially the guilt that you

owe so much to your parents and how dare you disobey any one of their

commands. Not to mention the whole what an awful son/daughter you are for

going NC, I got that from all sides, friends, family, neighbors, you name

it, anyone nada could play victim to with her sob story, little did they

know she was the abuser, no matter how much I tried to explain the trust.

I've been NC with my nada for 2.5 years now and was also NC with my dishrag

father for a year during that time, although now we are LC since he's left

her and moved.

I still struggle with this guilt too and FOG in general, but ultimately I

think I'm making the right choice for myself in standing up for myself

versus trying to please someone who will only use me for her own will for

as long as I live. It's definitely taken it's toll on me in terms of

anxiety and ptsd, but it does get better and you have a right to do

whatever you have to do to feel safe and to protect yourself. If that means

changing your phone number and email, then go right ahead. You have a right

to set whatever boundaries you need. I did both of these things and

changing my number was one of the best choices I ever made. Although I have

ptsd symptoms regarding my mother's borderline behavior, I no longer have

to worry that it is her every time my phone rings. I am back on my dad's

plan now that they are divorced and knows not to give her my number, he is

almost NC with her as well. I also just moved to a new apartment so it's a

new and foreign feeling that for the first time my nada does not know where

I live and can no longer drop off her lovehate gifts or send snail mail (I

don't have contact with anyone on her side of the family). On one hand it

feels freeing, but on the other it feels like a violation that I'm going

off to have my own life which is something I still struggle with.

Anyway, you are NC for as long as you need it. That could be a couple

months or a lifetime, it's up to you.

> **

>

>

> Hi again,

> Thanks a lot for your replies!

> You helped me a lot. I feel much more confident now in my decision.

> AFB - I loved your " translation " ...

> Have a great weekend and thanks again,

> Jack

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I agree with Annie and AFB that by them even sending this email, they

> are breaking boundaries that you have instituted, and expecting you to

> allow it. In a way, you have by reading the email before YOU are ready to

> continue contact. But that's okay, we all do that out of curiosity, but I

> think answering it would be a big mistake. You are not obligated to respond

> to an email that is a direct violation of the NC boundaries you have set

> when you said from the first that you would contact them when you were

> ready. By coming to your apartment they were breaking the boundaries, and

> you had a conversation with them, which rewarded them for violating your

> boundaries. So my vote, if I got one, would be to delete and ignore that

> email. And know this, if/when you don't respond, they may escalate attempts

> to get a reaction out of you. This is normal and called an extinction

> burst. You can Google that phrase to understand it better. But I think your

> healing will do better if you don't respond.

> > >

> > > I know it's hard. Best of luck!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jack

Depends on what you want. If you never want to see them again, then

that would be your answer. If you would LOVE, ( as most of us would) ,

to have a relationship with a normal family, then they obviously need a

lot of work.

My terms in that case would involve a therapist, and actual

improvements, seen by you in LC engagements before any longer term

stuff. If they were to agree to that, ( in they want relationship with

you, and not simply control), then I would begin the process by

discussing it with MY therapist, establish some goals and boundaries,

then work with your T to suggest a T they could see, and at some point,

begin family T to heal the family.

Axiom: 2 broken people cannot form a healthy relationship. First I fix

me, then I fix us.

Corollary: 1 broken person cannot become healthy in unhealthy

relationships. First we each fix ourselves, then we fix us.

You cannot control their choices, nor should they control yours. You do

get the right to make the choices for yourself which permit you to heal.

We, KOs, we who were so wounded by the whole dynamic of being a KO, we

need to heal. We ought to heal. We deserve to heal.

May we all heal.

Doug

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm 26. I'm NC with my Father for nearly 2 years and a half and with

my Mother for 2 years now.

> The story is that my Father always verbally abuses my Mother, nothing

too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down,

speaking in a threatening tone etc.

> Also here and there saying to me hurtful things.

> And my Mother also did to me all of these different things that I just

couldn't stand anymore being in the house or being in contact with them.

All of these things got to a stage that I felt anxieties just *thinking*

about them, not speaking about being in contact with them.

>

> Now, during all of this time I have been doing a lot of healing work,

and I do feel that I advanced *a lot* and that at some stage I'll be

able to go back to being in contact with them (this time from a strong

point, and not a little son that has to do whatever they tell him to

do).

> The thing is, that I feel that I'm not at that point yet, maybe it'll

be in a few more month.

>

> One year ago, on my birthday, my parents came to the street under my

apartment, told me happy birthday, and wanted to know if I can come back

to be in contact with them. I told them that I need to think about it

and I'll write them an Email with my answer. Since I didn't feel ready

to go back, I wrote in the Email I sent after a few days that right now

I don't feel safe being in home or in contact with it, that I need time,

and that I'll let them know when I feel I'm ready to go back.

>

> A few days ago I had again a Bday, and here is an email I got from my

Father:

>

> (my comments in [ ] )

>

> Dear Jack,

>

> I would like to wish you a Happy birthday. I sincerely hope and even

pray that you are very happy with the choices you have made, and that

the things you do bring you fulfillment and joy.

> It is now 1 year since we last met outside the building you live in,

with our hands full of treats [it was one bottle of Coke and a bakery

cake], and 2 years since you broke off all contact with Mom & I [there

still was some connection via email, and they did come to my street

once].

> I would like to ask you what you would like to be done or said, in

order to begin a process to restore normal relations [my Father has a

pattern that he thinks he has the power to do anything].

> Always on my mind [what about whole years where you barely talked to

me?],

> Love

> Dad

>

> What should I respond back?

> I already used the response " I need more time and I'll let you know

when I feel OK to be in contact? "

>

> I know that I don't have to respond at all, but I feel that I can give

some type of answer. I'm just not quite sure what to answer. I do want

to give the sense that I do think I'll be able to come back to be in

contact, just that I need time before I do that. On the other hand, I

don't want to give the impression that I am " under their will " or

something like that.

>

> Thanks a lot!

> Jack

>