Re: Letters to NADA: Vol. 2

[Guest guest]

Dear nada,

I begin the first day of 2012 being thankful for the wonderful people in my

life. For the most part, I am at peace with my life. There is still about 20% of

me that is unsettled due to my FOO situation.

I feel that for the most part I have achieved the " acceptance " stage of grieving

you, although you are still living. However, I am only in the beginning stages

of grief when it comes to missing my little sister. She is enmeshed with you and

either doesn't have the strength or is too fearful of what the consequences will

be if she acts on her own accord. This is what is leaving an empty hole in my

heart. Who knows what the new year will bring. I only hope that one day I will

be able to see my sisters beautiful, smiling face again. I love her so much.

I think about you a lot, but I no longer go into despair each time I do. I

wonder how your health is. I know that one day you will really die, and I am

frightened of that day. There is a difference between having the choice to have

a relationship with you or not, and NOT having that choice.

I think the thing that bothers me the most RIGHT NOW, is the fact that so many

people think so terribly of me because of your smear campaigns. But, if they are

judging me in this way without knowing there are 2 sides to ever story, do I

really want those people in my life? I don't think so. It's just such a shame

and waste that we have such a large family that has been reduced to nothing due

to hate, grudge holding and lies.

I have made my own family, and my own life. My focus for 2012 will be to try and

treat every person in my life with love and kindness EVERY DAY. The people in my

life that truly love me have seen the worst of me these past few years because

of how I've been dealing with you, nada. Now I want them to have the best of me.

I guess the only silver lining in all of this is that after my " lightbulb "

moment with you, it forced me on a journey to become a stronger, better person.

Maybe that wouldn't have happened if you and I didn't have our troubles. I'm not

ready to " thank you for this opportunity " , but you should know that the daughter

that you have forsaken has grown into a strong, loving, successful person who is

also emotionally health and self aware.

As a mother, I think those are things to be proud of.

Happy new year, nada. I do love you, and I know that you haven't been capable of

really loving me. I remember the good stuff, too, though.

Love, Sara Jo

>

> Dear Nada,

> I drove up last night to visit my father and his family. During my drive

yesterday I thought a lot about what you would have to say about me visiting my

dad. I imagined you saying things like " I can't believe you are choosing your

dad over me when I did EVERYTHING for you " and " you are trash just like they

are " . These thoughts made me want to justify myself in my mind. Thinking things

like " I'm not choosing my dad over you, you are choosing not to have a

relationship with me because you won't accept it " , and " I know my dad made a lot

of mistakes, you did, too, but I love you both and want you both in my life " .

> I saw my grandmother today, and she made me a scrap book for Christmas. It had

pictures of me and my little sister when we were very little. It had pictures of

you and me when I was little. You smiled in the pictures. You face was really

smiling, but your eyes....your eyes weren't really smiling. But still, your face

was so young. Your smile reflected a different person. Before life really got to

you. You were still the same person, but you were calmer. You were more " ok "

then. My guess is it's because your children were young and dependent on you. I

remember even at a young age living my life for you. But I also remember loving

my dad. I remember wanting to spend every moment with him. Was this a special

bond between father and daughter? Or was this my way of staying out of your way

as much as possible? I don't know. Perhaps it was both. And then he was ripped

from my life so quickly. Both of you (my mom and dad) were responsible for me

growing up without a dad in my life. I know and understand that, although I know

you will proclaim complete innocence for ANYTHING in my life that wasn't ideal.

You were never able to take ownership for anything.

> I know we are all responsible for owning up to our own actions. Which is why

dealing with this whole family situation is so difficult. I kept second guessing

my own self. What could I have done different to make things better? Nothing.

I've tried every form of communication. I've tried to be a good listener. I've

tried to understand and put myself in your shoes. I'm not one to place blame on

people, because I truly believe it takes 2 to tango.

> I'm here in the town I was born in. The town you used to live in. Driving on

the roads that I know you remember so well. Wondering what your thoughts used to

be when you would look at me when I was a child. How could you look at my face

and then act the way you did? I will never know. I was an innocent. I believe I

still am. I'm here in the town I was born in. Looking at these pictures,

wondering how you felt then. Looking at the past, trying to draw a line from

then to now.

> My heart and my eyes both cry for you. Mourn for you. I still love you. I

always will. I guess that is my own misfortune.

>

> Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sara J

Nice to see you again!

Cspace67