Still a bit of mourning/sadness

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone. Wishing you ALL a wonderful, happy & healthy 2012!

2011 was an amazing year for me in all honesty. It started with

having major surgery which has thus far ended many years of chronic

pain and ended with my fiance & I getting married in September,

graduating college in October, passing my nursing boards in December &

being offered my first nursing job. Yeah, it was a good year! And

what's weird, is I haven't ever felt sad to see a year ending as I did

this year. So I am truly hoping 2012 will be another good one...

maybe it's time to start a new tradition of GOOD years? Here's to

hoping!

I've been NC with nada for almost 3 years now which has been a

wonderful thing for me. But, even with all the healing, I have some

mourning/sadness in regards to not having her in my life right now. I

do wish I had a normal mother who I could share all this happiness

with and who would be happy for me. Sadly... I'm here on this list,

so we all know that isn't the case. But it got to me for a bit on

Christmas and I did have to have a mini catharsis and cry it out for a

few minutes at the end of the day.

When I went NC with nada, I had obviously realized we would not have

the type of relationship most mothers & daughters have. Sadly, she's

sick. She needs help and I can't give that to her. And her line of

thinking seems to me to be that if she's miserable, everyone around

her should be. I think of her as a sinking ship... she's the captain

so she's going down with the ship. Sadly, everyone else is the ship

and she's headed straight for an iceberg! I can't fix nada, but I can

fix ME. And I have come a long long way in a few short years in

regards to my own health & happiness... but still find myself grieving

that I couldn't share all this happiness with her. I haven't had a

lot of that happiness thing in my life, so yeah, it hit me a little

there on Christmas, and it's hitting me a little here today at the

start of 2012.

I am very thankful, however, to have a wonderful dad & step mom to

share all this with. And an amazing husband, 2 fantastic step kids,

etc. But there's still a hole there where a mother should be.

When I first went NC, it was HARD. I thought it would never get

easier, but it did. Even with her & her flying monkeys tracking me

down, I maintained my anxiety and kept on going. So I am hoping this

too gets easier.

My husband tries to compare it to his situation. His mom, who was a

real mom, died 3 years ago. But it's not quite like that. The thing

is, my nada is still here on this earth, but she's so toxic I want

nothing to do with her. It sounds so cold, but it's self

preservation. I don't want to sink, I want to survive and thrive.

Anyway, just rambling a bit because I do find myself thinking of her

here at year end/year beginning.

Really hoping 2012 will be a good year for all of us!

Mia

[Guest guest]

Good for you Mia and remember that the hole that is left by what your mother

should have been doesn't have to be filled by her specifically, it can be filled

by a multitude of people that give you the mothering love that you deserve!

C