Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into adulthood?

[Guest guest]

I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada and

thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into your

adulthood.

Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but knows

me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was blissfully

unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama with my nada

is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend, and in here.

I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada after

being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you two

work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

[Guest guest]

I was 22 or 23 when I " smelled the coffee " , but I understand what you are

saying. I had the same experiences when I've told people about " not being close "

with nada anymore. Trying to explain it is VERY exhausting! And since most of it

doesn't make sense to me, it's hard to verbalize it to others without making it

sound too simple.

For example, I don't get the whole message across by saying " I think my mother

has a mental illness called BPD, and she treats me bad, so I don't talk to her

anymore " . To someone who is unfamiliar with what we deal with, that sounds

ridiculous.

They ask the simple question " what happened? Why aren't you and your mom close

anymore?? " but the answer is so complicated!

Sara Jo

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada

and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into

your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

I started out trying to summarize it by saying that I had always allowed my

mother to be manipulative and intrusive into mine and my family's life and that

over the last year, I had decided to establish some boundaries for the health of

me and my family.

But that just got more questions that I didn't have a good answer for, like you

said!

I think I'm just gonna start saying - " Yes, its sad. But its a long story. " . The

end.

Then after I've had these conversations there is that part of me that says -

" Geez, you're a smart girl. Why did it take you so long to figure all of this

out? That makes you look even MORE stupid! "

> >

> > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada

and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into

your adulthood.

> >

> > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

> >

> > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

> >

> > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

> >

> > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

> >

> > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake

up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Big Sister 03,

Hi. I was just about 50. So yes, well, well into adulthood. I always felt

nervious and always wanted to please my parents, even in adulthood.Although I

was married at 22 and a mother myself at 26 I didn't really feel seperate until

about 30. And then at 40 I went through this personal overhaul and stopped

playing the role of peace maker in my FOO and that brought on major emotional

punishments from my nada especially. I wasn't playing the middle child role

anymore, the push over, the pleaser, the predictable " invisible " child in the

family anymore. I gradually began to " smell the coffee " through the following

decade, and finally figured it all out. Well, I still am I guess. I was totally

emeshed and blind to it. I put both my parents on a pedistal. They were/are very

successfull, highly regarded within their professional circle and " fun,

charming, go getting people " . But as charming as she is, it is always about her.

I don't remember her asking ever how I felt about anything. I always knew me

wanting to " talk about my feelings " seemed to scare them, especially nada. It

just took me forever to see that my nada had a mean streak, that it wasn't that

I was flawed or inadequate, and it took until my 40's for me to experience the

recieving end of truly angry nada. My younger sibling is still totally emeshed

with nada and she is 48. My older sister was the " bad one " for years, and is now

" in the fold " and I am the outcast.

An old family friend/neighbor questioned me, one on one, about two summers ago

as to why I never slept over my parents home anymore. Clearly my nada had

complained to her about it. I just said things were too busy, and I did better

with day trips. ly I also have only talked about BPD with my husband and

children as well. I don't think most people who know my nada and I would believe

me. She can turn it on and off like a switch. Unless you've seen it, and been on

the recieving end, I truly don't think people get it. It took me a very long

time. She can be so good and charming and well behaved. But now I am on the

outs and get a lot of crap from her,especially if my younger sister is around.

And my dad died a year ago and it has definately gotten worse since then. I

didn't realize what a buffer he was with her. Her filter seems to be down more

often and she can say very cutting things, especailly when wine is in the

picture.

Hope this helps,

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada

and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into

your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life, and it

felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years or so, since dad

died, that I began to realize that being so super close emotionally to my nada

wasn't really normal at all.

I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my Sister and a

couple of very close friends who also had personality disordered parents, who

would " get it. "

I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew would not

understand.

-Annie

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada

and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into

your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

That was me I was close to my Nada but, I didn't know how fake it was on her

side until I was 23. It's funny but, my friends seem to understand, they had

always felt something wasn't quite what it seemed to be with her. I should have

told them what was going at home maybe I could have gotten help sooner. At 23 my

mom told me that I could have her in my life or my boyfriend (who's now my

husband). When I didn't comply with her she changed the locks that night and

refused to give me a key to my own house. She then kicked me out and took

everything I owned even my car (it was in her name but, i had and still was

making all the payments on it. Sadly I only had year left until it was paid

off.). I wasn't allowed to have my own bank account so, we had a joint account.

She called the bank as if she was me and had my debit card stopped I had no

access to any of my own money. I had only the clothes on my back. Lucky for me I

had a girlfriend who helped me out and, my now husband. It was the hardest time

of my life. To make matters worse she stocked me to the point I wouldn't leave

the house alone bc, if I was with someone she wouldn't harass me. She would come

to my job and harass me and say horrible things. She still stocks me to this day

eight years later but, the difference is she does it from a distance. I told her

it she contacted me in anyway again I would get a restraining order ever since

then she has kept her distance. Thank God for some peace in my life.

That's my story the readers digest version.

B

Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into adulthood?

I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada and

thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into your

adulthood.

Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but knows

me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was blissfully

unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama with my nada

is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend, and in here.

I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada after

being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you two

work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

[Guest guest]

I was enmeshed with my parents for most of my life. What made it harder to

detect they were nuts was my NEED for a FOO (due to so much previous

violence in the house from early) and trying to save my Nada from the hurt

she seemed to have and did have, also because I had no other role models to

see. Fada kept our family tight. Few friends and mostly only his side of

the family did we get to visit and THEY were really nuts but you could never

say a thing. Fada's brother-in-law molested me at age 5 and threatened me

if I told my dad, my dad would beat me. My (now sociopathic brother (ex) )

and I would get regular severe beatings for any reason.esp. my brother. he

got it really bad. Fada's side of the family would verbally abuse my (ex)

brother terribly and Fada never did anything. Mom was passive.taking orders

from Fada.

Mom was the only one who showed inklings of affection when we were young but

she was always crying.literally about something, my father's treatment of

her or her insane sister-in-law verbal abuse or my Fada's mother verbally

abusing mom.

Dad beat, mom watched.never did a thing.

I vowed at age 5 to take care of my mom.(in my head).then the ensuing years

of more violence from (ex) brother to me and then Fada to brother back onto

me with Fada and now Nada in on it. Mom grew more nuts as time went on but

I had nothing else. I had few friends and was so shy. I developed a bad

stuttering problem in school which got worse as I got into junior high. I

was mocked and set aside in school and at home. The beating continue for

the slightest reason.

I remember hating my mother for her being nice then turning on me.over and

over.at least with Fada.you knew what to expect. He was a dic. Period. His

mother (my Granma) and his sister (my aunt) came first in is world...them

all of us.

I lived with fear every day for years as I never knew who was going to get

it next or if my brother would die.I got to witness lots of this.it is why I

began to stutter because of the " shame " of what I did not want other to know

of our family.

I did average in school and clung to my few friends. Low self-worth..might

meres and skinny as a rail.

My mom meant everything to me...there was NO ONE ELSE that resembled nice.so

she was it.

Over time I grew up and had physical fights with Fada..cursing him to his

face for his actions towards me. My brother would steal my money, my

special things and also molested me.

I finally ran away several times and when I came back I moved out. Still,

mom was special to me..I lived in a dream world phasing out the reality of

what was and trying to cope with full onset of Agoraphobia that produced

panics constantly. I had to plan where I could go and what I could do as

the panics engulfed evermore.

I met my husband who was one of the nicest caring people I have ever known

(and still) . I moved out and in with him...in a few years we left the

province and have been gone for 30 years.so the reality of Nada got hazed

out over long distance and we had a telephone relationship. She was still

always crying and I was always supporting her..my brother was now the one

threatening my Fada, even his life, and I would get regular long distance

calls on how to handle this also. I was the care-taker. Then both Fada and

Nada would turn on me saying nothing was wrong and it was I to blame for

this or that that had happened over the phone or when we would visit. I

blamed my father for most and still supported mom.

Fada is dead now some 12 years..do not miss him.but mom became a real Nada

in the last years..and after a series of bad events for me, I finally saw

mom was NOT who I had hoped she was for all those years. She was a product

of Fada's molding plus a lot of her own choices.

It has been hell and even worse to find out I had a pretend mother for years

that was NEVER there except for herself and even more so now. When I asked

her WHY SHE let Fada hit us, she said to me, if she would had said anything,

he would have turned on her..HOW IS THAT FOR AN EXCUSE???

When I this year asked her more about the FOO abuse, she denied any of it

happened...next phone call she said " of course it happened, I just didn't

remember that night when you asked me. "

The best thing I have done in the last 3 months is go low to no contact with

her. I do not even know if I will show at her funeral if I survive her.she

is 85.I have been pretty ill this year.

She now blames ME for the Will my Uncle (her brother) left for me (not

her).telling me how rotten and selfish I am and that the Will was a mistake

written by her brother in 1996.

Through this Loop and extensive reading and other peoples' input, I have

finally figured out WHO mother really is...not easy to live with. I am

blamed for everything..then she flips and tells me how wonderful I am. She

has blamed ME for an affair she had because I supported her choice years

back, now she says I made her do it. She tells me I should be the one

fixing my FOO even though they have never been anything but either

non-existent or violent towards me.

Needless to say, the " enmeshment has almost vanished. " I have had illnesses

for years..I have been recovering for some time and intend to improve

without my frikked up FOO.

Twyla

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Monday, January 02, 2012 11:05 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into

adulthood?

Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life, and it

felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years or so, since

dad died, that I began to realize that being so super close emotionally to

my nada wasn't really normal at all.

I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my Sister

and a couple of very close friends who also had personality disordered

parents, who would " get it. "

I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew would not

understand.

-Annie

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

normal into your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

friend, and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

changed, thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

" wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

I have spent some time here and there enmeshed as an adult, but never for very

long because nada could never be pleased. I think the main reason I never got

terribly enmeshed is because my dad let me know early on that something wasn't

quite right with her. I'm pretty sure I was in grade school. It's hard to convey

it to someone, that there is something about the way her eyes roll around in her

head that just scares you to your core and that you better not let her get her

hands on you! I always knew that if nada was mad you better run, but if you were

in trouble with dad, then stay and take your licks cause if you ran with him,

that would make it worse, never out of bounds for back then.

As to comments that people make about the change in the circumstances in your

relationship. You don't owe ANYONE explanations. I don't believe in giving too

much information to people that really aren't a major part of your life. My

brother is really struggling with this one. We grew up in a fairly small town,

less than 10,000. Nada has done a smear campaign in the past against him which

kinda backfired on her as that is what led to him going NC over three years ago.

Now she just cries about how much she loved him and gave him everything he ever

wanted growing up and now he won't talk to her. There are a few people that have

the nerve to act as nadas flying monkeys when he runs into someone shopping in

the neighboring larger city he lives in down the road. It's hard on him, he

would just like to scream with frustration. I think role playing is a good way

to start. I don't thing there is one pat reply for everyone. Perhaps at least

two categories would be a good start. The first one being those that act as

nadas flying monkeys...those that you know she has corrupted with half truths

and out right lies and manipulations. People that have the gall to confront you

about your terrible treatment of nada do not deserve much diplomacy, after all,

they fired the first shot. I've never had this happen to me, so I really don't

know much to tell you about how to address them. I think for yourself, smile,

nod and deliver your line with your most saccharin sweetness you can muster. As

for those that you might not want to offend, but they are not a central part of

your life, I would try very hard to keep any conversation or comments about nada

to a minimum. If they ask how nada is, she is fine. Keep comments to a minimum

and hope that it doesn't go further. Remember that if you tell them that you

don't have contact with nada just invites more questions and comments. If this

person has " heard " things about your relationship and asks further

questions...just demure. Your relationship is complicated and you really don't

wish to talk about it. Anyone with any sense of decency will let you drop it

there and if they don't that only speaks volumes about THEM.

I don't know if that helps, but it's a place to start.

C

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

Thank you for sharing your story. You sound so strong and resilient. I wish you

only the best in your journey for health.

> >

> > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

> Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

> normal into your adulthood.

> >

> > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

> relationship " ?

> >

> > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

> knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

> blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

> drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

> friend, and in here.

> >

> > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

> after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

> you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

> and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

> narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

> changed, thankfully.

> >

> > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

> understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

> awkward inside, even as a child.

> >

> > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

> " wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

> reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

> your parent.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Twyla, your story is so chilling. I really hope you find the peace and

health you deserve!

> **

>

>

> I was enmeshed with my parents for most of my life. What made it harder to

> detect they were nuts was my NEED for a FOO (due to so much previous

> violence in the house from early) and trying to save my Nada from the hurt

> she seemed to have and did have, also because I had no other role models to

> see. Fada kept our family tight. Few friends and mostly only his side of

> the family did we get to visit and THEY were really nuts but you could

> never

> say a thing. Fada's brother-in-law molested me at age 5 and threatened me

> if I told my dad, my dad would beat me. My (now sociopathic brother (ex) )

> and I would get regular severe beatings for any reason.esp. my brother. he

> got it really bad. Fada's side of the family would verbally abuse my (ex)

> brother terribly and Fada never did anything. Mom was passive.taking orders

> from Fada.

>

> Mom was the only one who showed inklings of affection when we were young

> but

> she was always crying.literally about something, my father's treatment of

> her or her insane sister-in-law verbal abuse or my Fada's mother verbally

> abusing mom.

>

> Dad beat, mom watched.never did a thing.

>

> I vowed at age 5 to take care of my mom.(in my head).then the ensuing years

> of more violence from (ex) brother to me and then Fada to brother back onto

> me with Fada and now Nada in on it. Mom grew more nuts as time went on but

> I had nothing else. I had few friends and was so shy. I developed a bad

> stuttering problem in school which got worse as I got into junior high. I

> was mocked and set aside in school and at home. The beating continue for

> the slightest reason.

>

> I remember hating my mother for her being nice then turning on me.over and

> over.at least with Fada.you knew what to expect. He was a dic. Period. His

> mother (my Granma) and his sister (my aunt) came first in is world...them

> all of us.

>

> I lived with fear every day for years as I never knew who was going to get

> it next or if my brother would die.I got to witness lots of this.it is

> why I

> began to stutter because of the " shame " of what I did not want other to

> know

> of our family.

>

> I did average in school and clung to my few friends. Low self-worth..might

> meres and skinny as a rail.

>

> My mom meant everything to me...there was NO ONE ELSE that resembled

> nice.so

> she was it.

>

> Over time I grew up and had physical fights with Fada..cursing him to his

> face for his actions towards me. My brother would steal my money, my

> special things and also molested me.

>

> I finally ran away several times and when I came back I moved out. Still,

> mom was special to me..I lived in a dream world phasing out the reality of

> what was and trying to cope with full onset of Agoraphobia that produced

> panics constantly. I had to plan where I could go and what I could do as

> the panics engulfed evermore.

>

> I met my husband who was one of the nicest caring people I have ever known

> (and still) . I moved out and in with him...in a few years we left the

> province and have been gone for 30 years.so the reality of Nada got hazed

> out over long distance and we had a telephone relationship. She was still

> always crying and I was always supporting her..my brother was now the one

> threatening my Fada, even his life, and I would get regular long distance

> calls on how to handle this also. I was the care-taker. Then both Fada and

> Nada would turn on me saying nothing was wrong and it was I to blame for

> this or that that had happened over the phone or when we would visit. I

> blamed my father for most and still supported mom.

>

> Fada is dead now some 12 years..do not miss him.but mom became a real Nada

> in the last years..and after a series of bad events for me, I finally saw

> mom was NOT who I had hoped she was for all those years. She was a product

> of Fada's molding plus a lot of her own choices.

>

> It has been hell and even worse to find out I had a pretend mother for

> years

> that was NEVER there except for herself and even more so now. When I asked

> her WHY SHE let Fada hit us, she said to me, if she would had said

> anything,

> he would have turned on her..HOW IS THAT FOR AN EXCUSE???

>

> When I this year asked her more about the FOO abuse, she denied any of it

> happened...next phone call she said " of course it happened, I just didn't

> remember that night when you asked me. "

>

> The best thing I have done in the last 3 months is go low to no contact

> with

> her. I do not even know if I will show at her funeral if I survive her.she

> is 85.I have been pretty ill this year.

>

> She now blames ME for the Will my Uncle (her brother) left for me (not

> her).telling me how rotten and selfish I am and that the Will was a mistake

> written by her brother in 1996.

>

> Through this Loop and extensive reading and other peoples' input, I have

> finally figured out WHO mother really is...not easy to live with. I am

> blamed for everything..then she flips and tells me how wonderful I am. She

> has blamed ME for an affair she had because I supported her choice years

> back, now she says I made her do it. She tells me I should be the one

> fixing my FOO even though they have never been anything but either

> non-existent or violent towards me.

>

> Needless to say, the " enmeshment has almost vanished. " I have had illnesses

> for years..I have been recovering for some time and intend to improve

> without my frikked up FOO.

>

> Twyla

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

> Sent: Monday, January 02, 2012 11:05 PM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into

> adulthood?

>

> Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life, and

> it

> felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years or so, since

> dad died, that I began to realize that being so super close emotionally to

> my nada wasn't really normal at all.

> I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my Sister

> and a couple of very close friends who also had personality disordered

> parents, who would " get it. "

> I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew would not

> understand.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

> Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

> normal into your adulthood.

> >

> > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

> relationship " ?

> >

> > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

> knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

> blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

> drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one

> good

> friend, and in here.

> >

> > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

> after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

> you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting

> me

> and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

> narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

> changed, thankfully.

> >

> > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

> understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

> awkward inside, even as a child.

> >

> > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

> " wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

> reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

> your parent.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Twyla,

I believe just as we need to heal emotionally from all forms of abuse we need

time to heal physically too. You a very strong women and, you can bet the odds

just remember that. You have the support and love from your husband. He can and,

I sure has helped you to heal. I am glad you have us (meaning the support group

to express your self) I truly believe that part of the healing process comes

from self expression. I feel by talking about our experiences it can free us

from the weight of them allowing for healing to accrue. I don't know what allies

you but, I can only speak for what has helped me. I have found that a holistic

approach has been more beneficial in my own healing. I know this is going to

sound crazy to some people but, I have found essential oils to be more effective

them any drug you can get from a pharmacy. Many people don't know about the

holistic healing properties of essential oils. For an example lavender is a

known cure from burns. If you keep a bottle in the kitchen and apply it right

away the burn will be totally healed by the next day (believe me I have

experienced that result myself). Lavender is also useful in treating headaches,

wounds, bruises, antiseptic, insect bites, oily skin, acne, swelling, good for

treating mild depression and has a calming effect. In Europe essential oils are

accepted by the mainstream medical community. In France not only do doctors use

essential oils in their offices but, French hospitals all so use essential oils

in treatments. If you or any one else is interested in knowing more about the

healing properties of essential oils you can contact me via the group or I

welcome anyone to email me privately. I am currently researching energy medicine

I know that is still a fringe science but, I truly believe that it has healing

properties. I am currently reading Energy Medicine by Donna Eden. The jury is

still out as far as my opinion on energy medicine bc I have not yet experienced

it but, I hope to soon. I am still in the research phase. I feel like energy

medicine will lead to physical and emotional healing. I hope that in some small

way you find this helpful. I wish you a happy New Year full of joy and wish for

positive things to come into your life.

B

My email if anyone wants it is luck08sb@...

Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

Re: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into

adulthood?

Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life, and it

felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years or so, since

dad died, that I began to realize that being so super close emotionally to

my nada wasn't really normal at all.

I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my Sister

and a couple of very close friends who also had personality disordered

parents, who would " get it. "

I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew would not

understand.

-Annie

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

normal into your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

friend, and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

changed, thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

" wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, absolutely, my nada and I were enmeshed up until last year!! It's still a

work in progress, and I'm 44!

I'm not sure what my friends thought of my relationship with her. I know they

thought she was much too nervous and overprotective of me. When I was in

college, I had to call her every damn day and come home on the weekends.

When we became un-enmeshed recently, it was one of the most painful, scary--and

freeing--experiences of my life. I liked the way you put it, that we KOs looked

at it at the time as some kind of weird normal. Yes, I agree, that is how I

looked at it, that those kids who " abandoned " their parents were selfish, but I

was a good girl and wouldn't do that. Sigh.

However, I did always, always feel and know that there was something wrong with

how little space my mother gave me, with how she had to know everything about

me, even what I was thinking. If I moved away (emotionally), she would be

threatened by that and criticize my choice of friends. I couldn't see where I

ended and she began.

I think my closest friends are happy for me for the boundaries I've set. The

only one who's " shocked " is my brother who is a gentle giant and totally

manipulated and used by her. I wish he would have an epiphany moment, too. I

guess it'll come some day. I cannot say anything negative about her b/c he

defends her, BUT I do hear the sadness in his voice at how little space he gets

from her and her insistence on hearing from him twice a day. Recently, he said,

" I'm going to miss her so much when she's gone... " I replied, " well, enjoy her

now!! " He's definitely experiencing conflicting emotions. He's 48, unmarried,

and practically a couple with her.

My brother will frequently say how much my mother wishes I would call her more

or come over more with the kids. He isn't mean or accusing about it. I think

he, like my deceased father (now I see), want others to tow the line with her so

they don't have to endure the misery of her wrath and constant complaints.

Fiona

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada

and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into

your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Twyla)))))

I'm so sorry for what you went through; truly a hellish nightmare childhood, in

which an extremely dysfunctional mother was the " healthy " individual of your

entire family of origin. I cried as I read your post.

Its kind of a miracle that you were able to escape such treatment; you must have

a core of steel: innate high resilience.

Me personally, I think its when a parent is sometimes normal, kind and nurturing

but alternates with being abusive/negligent/rejecting, it does the worst damage

to the child because of the principle of " intermittent reinforcement. " IR is

the basis of gambling addiction. If you perform a task but are only rewarded

sometimes, intermittently, it make you try harder and longer, obsessively, to

get that reward again.

Although I haven't read any papers on this particular aspect of trauma bonding,

I personally would be willing to bet (gambling!) that intermittent reinforcement

plays a part in the development of trauma bonding (or more specifically,

betrayal bonding) .

Betrayal bonding (aka The Stockholm Syndrome) can happen when an individual is

taken captive, isolated and tortured, but sometimes shown kindness by their

captor. Under certain conditions the captive develops a super-glue-strong bond

to their captor that's counter-intuitive, bizarre and creepy. But its an

unconscious survival mechanism triggered by the captive's total, abject

helplessness and dependency on the captor: the situation re-installs/reboots

the pre-verbal infantile mother-child bonding process in the captive.

So, yes: in a sad and bizarre way, its better for the child when the parent is

abusive most of the time. It then eventually becomes clear to the child (or to

the child's subconscious) that this person is truly dangerous and the child

needs to make an emotional break with this parent.

But when a parent is alternately kind and cruel, intermittently loving but also

intermittently violent and terrifying, or abandoning/refusing to protect the

child from harm, in equal measure, it is a major MIND-F**K: it screws with

the child's survival instincts and can initiate betrayal-bonding.

Anyway... I am glad you shared your background with us here; your survival had

about a thousand to one odds against, seems to me, and yet you did survive with

your psyche and mind intact, and found love. It didn't break you. You have

scars, but it didn't break you. You are kind of a hero, in my opinion.

May we all heal.

-Annie

> >

> > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

> Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

> normal into your adulthood.

> >

> > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

> relationship " ?

> >

> > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

> knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

> blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

> drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

> friend, and in here.

> >

> > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

> after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

> you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

> and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

> narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

> changed, thankfully.

> >

> > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

> understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

> awkward inside, even as a child.

> >

> > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

> " wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

> reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

> your parent.

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree Annie this is quite the survival story. I think you Twyla have amazing

resilience.

I am also amazed that you are in a healthy relationship. you are smart to

realize you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I learned that that is an

issue I have in my last session of therapy.

I read recently that it takes about 15 years of intense treatment to overcome

sexual abuse by family members. so take it easy I guess. I am not really over

anything yet...

what Annie said makes sense. I think that is what BPD did to all of us.

My own experience was that I decided to go to college in a town about 4-5 hrs

away from home. where no one in the FOO lived or ever had. I was deeply

enmeshed, and thought I had a " wonderful relationship " with my NADA. every once

in a while people would make a comment on her nagging, or her overbearing

actions, but I dismissed it as misplaced love, not controlling manipulation, and

abuse.

she would call every day, and after a while it irritated me. I was pretty busy,

so I missed the calls sometimes, and she would talk extra long when that

happened.

but being treated well by others slowly unraveled the picture of me she had

convinced me of. I think it all started when people laughed at something I said

in casual conversation with friends. it startled me, and when i acted surprised,

they reassured me that they thought I was hilarious. I had been told repeatedly

that I had no sense of humor. I guess it was because I never found the oft told

" hilarious " jab that " Meikjn was never potty trained " (see the last thing I

posted for clarification) funny. or, well there were others...

other glimmers of the truth came when I was dating and the erratic behavior

reared it's ugly head. I was used to many of the abuses. so used to it that I

beloved that the ache in my gut was wrong. but some things she did were so out

of line.

when I dated my husband i was secretive with everyone about everything. it was

possibly weird, but it felt wonderful to let everyone know that none of it was

anyone's business but mine. I did not even admit we were dating, until we were

pretty much engaged. it was fantastic. the best part is that it suited him too.

and he is kind, good at giving gifts (or perhaps normal?) respects boundaries

naturally, lets me rant and cry when i am upset and actually listens! and and he

has always believed me when I am hurt by things. it is amazing.

right after we got engaged he was warned about my " over-reactive " nature. then

after being married for a while I realized one day that my " sensitivity " was not

an issue in the marriage.

my relationship with my mom has slowly deteriorated the longer I am married. and

now that I know about bpd it is never going back. I talked to a sister recently,

and she had a similar experience after being married. she knew nothing about

BPD, but decided to cut herself off emotionally with NADA years ago.

it only took until I was 27. it is mind boggling to me that I could feel so bad

about myself, and not recognise that I was not worthless in reality, I was just

taught that I was. it all seems rather obvious now. " weird normal. " exactly.

Meikjn

by the way my name is pronounced MY-KIN. it is Danish.

> > >

> > > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

> > Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

> > normal into your adulthood.

> > >

> > > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

> > relationship " ?

> > >

> > > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

> > knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

> > blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

> > drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

> > friend, and in here.

> > >

> > > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

> > after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

> > you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

> > and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

> > narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

> > changed, thankfully.

> > >

> > > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

> > understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

> > awkward inside, even as a child.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

> > " wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

> > reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

> > your parent.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

<<Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent. >>

Â

  I had distanced myself from my nada many years ago when I had the

opportunity to move from Canada to the United States and right across the

continent to the West Coast. I feel I got a lot of flak for doing so and because

I rarely visited her. (She was so disruptive, I invited out her here in the

company of my late father only twice. My former spouse was terrified of her and

my in-laws did not know hope to cope.) Â Ordinary people just do not comprehend

the BPD phenomenon, that as a KO often one must go LC or NC lest one “drownâ€

with the BPD parent dragging one down with her by clinging to one’s neck,

figuratively speaking. Â Â Â . I have found all this can still be true of

otherwise ordinary people who themselves have a diagnosed BPD in their own

family. (See below.) Â Â

Â

To answer your direct question, I have rather defensively reacted to others’

shock that I have distanced myself from my parent. As I cannot deal with my

nada (perpetually abusive, angry, delusional telephone or email diatribes) I

have handled this as follows: 1) some therapy, 2) some reading and learning

(SWOE, this user group), and, 3) by “paying it forward†--- being a friend

to and “sounding board†for J, she is the BPD young adult daughter of two of

my closest long-term friends.

Â

Where I cannot “reach†my nada, I do have some interpersonal skills (which I

acquired from the first 24 years of my life as a KO and adult child of alcoholic

parents “parenting†my nada and as a referee for my parents and a

step-parent). These interpersonal skills let me actually “reach†J, where

her therapist does not. Her parents and grandparents say they are astounded by

what they call my “magic†in dealing with J. Perhaps I missed my calling as

a therapist? Â

Â

Ironically, I first learned about BPD later, much later in life after I worked

on a legal matter involving a BPD patient. (The BPD, herself an LCSW, had

brought a lawsuit against her psychoanalyst, alleging improper touching. The

suit had no merit. (Yes, sometimes a BPD actually does make stuff up as he or

she goes along.) So, as I read up on BPD in the DSM-IV-R I was astounded to see

my nada seemed to have about 7-8 of the 9 diagnostic criteria! Â I more recently

have tripped across and then read SWOE and now I follow this user group. Â

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, January 2, 2012 7:43 PM

Subject: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into adulthood?

Â

I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your Nada/Fada and

thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird normal into your

adulthood.

Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close relationship " ?

I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but knows

me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was blissfully

unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama with my nada

is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend, and in here.

I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada after

being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you two work

it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I finally

laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism and BPD

and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed, thankfully.

People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't " wake up

and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or reacted to

others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your parent.

Â

[Guest guest]

Thank you for good wishes. I will keep on.......

Re: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into

> adulthood?

>

> Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life,

> and it felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years

> or so, since dad died, that I began to realize that being so super

> close emotionally to my nada wasn't really normal at all.

> I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my

> Sister and a couple of very close friends who also had personality

> disordered parents, who would " get it. "

> I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew

> would not understand.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

> Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of

> weird normal into your adulthood.

> >

> > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

> relationship " ?

> >

> > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in

> > years but

> knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but

> she was blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close "

> anymore. My drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my

> hsuband, one good friend, and in here.

> >

> > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my

> > nada

> after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened?

> Did you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was

> exhausting me and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more

> answers to Google narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and

> then the subject was changed, thankfully.

> >

> > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I

> > never

> understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel

> really awkward inside, even as a child.

> >

> > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that

> > didn't

> " wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled

> or reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself

> from your parent.

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for this reply, it means lots and lots to me.....

Twyla

Re: Were you enmeshed with Nada/Fada into

adulthood?

Yes, I was deeply enmeshed with my parents for half of my adult life, and it

felt " normal " to me. Its only been within the last dozen years or so, since

dad died, that I began to realize that being so super close emotionally to

my nada wasn't really normal at all.

I didn't share my " divorce " from my nada with very many people; my Sister

and a couple of very close friends who also had personality disordered

parents, who would " get it. "

I didn't share this info with casual friends or those whom I knew would not

understand.

-Annie

>

> I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

normal into your adulthood.

>

> Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

relationship " ?

>

> I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My

drama with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good

friend, and in here.

>

> I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did

you two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me

and I finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google

narcissism and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was

changed, thankfully.

>

> People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

>

> Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

" wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from

your parent.

>

[Guest guest]

That's the beauty of it. You said you have been summarizing your relationship

with nada by deciding to establish boundaries. The beauty of it is that you can

set these boundaries with ANYONE in your life. You can tell them as much or as

little as you want!

Sara Jo

> > >

> > > I would love to hear from those of you who were enmeshed with your

Nada/Fada and thought the crazy roller coaster ride was some sort of weird

normal into your adulthood.

> > >

> > > Did others think you and your BPD parent had a " really close

relationship " ?

> > >

> > > I was chatting with a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in years but

knows me from my college days. We haven't talked in over a year but she was

blissfully unaware that my nada and I are no longer " close " anymore. My drama

with my nada is something I have only shared with my hsuband, one good friend,

and in here.

> > >

> > > I could tell she was utterly confused as to why I was now LC with my nada

after being so " close with her all those years " . " OMG, what happened? Did you

two work it out? You were so close! " and on and on. It was exhausting me and I

finally laughed it off and said if she wanted more answers to Google narcissism

and BPD and call me back. She laughed and then the subject was changed,

thankfully.

> > >

> > > People used to always remark how " close " I was with my nada and I never

understood until the last year why those remarks always made me feel really

awkward inside, even as a child.

> > >

> > > Anyway, I just wondered if there were others on this list that didn't

" wake up and smell the coffee " until later in life and how you handled or

reacted to others when they were shocked you had distanced yourself from your

parent.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To this question I have to simply say, " Yes. "

In fact I was so enmeshed that I thought fondly of my mom and all the things I

thought we had in common.

I thought I was put here on Earth to redeem her. Just try harder, was my motto.

I let myself be defined as the strong one. The fighter (vicious Vicki). I

thought of myself as Valient, Enduring, Never-give-up .

Not realizing until Nov. 2008, that what I was dealing with was a person who

quite literally was a shell.

The subject of disease caused by childhood trauma is, right now, an active

thread.

That was/is me. I have a pretty unique illness, from what I can tell. At least,

right now, I cannot find anyone who sees my type of psychiatric malaise as

caused by unresolved anxiety... but I sure do.

And where did that anxiety come from? My mom/nada's inability to communicate to

me that I was always and forever, just fine the way I was. My DAD believed I

was just fine and he told nada this over and over and over (supposedly out of

my earshot)... but she never quite believed it. I think my illness stands right

exactly in me in the place where I was supposed to get a consistent message that

would heal this deep hole inside me still that calls out. That is my anxiety.

This post is the result of the PAIN I feel in my body right now, in my neck and

trapezius on my right side, from trying TOO hard. When I left my parent's home I

actually went into the world with my shoulders hunched up close to my ears. I

kid you not. I had to learn to let my shoulders relax during the first decade

after I left home!

~ from " Just try harder " . You are certainly not good enough. You'll

never amount to anything without us. According to nada, naturally.

Now, you can imagine I do my darndest to give our son a very different message.

He'll have his own neuroses, but he already has a strong self-confidence,

self-accepance and not the degree of confusion and angst that I grew up with.

Now he also has an attitude...

[Guest guest]

Hi

My new osteopath told me earlier this year that my shoulders were way too

close to my ears, I never thought that this might be connected. Thanks for

that light bulb, it is just another piece of this puzzle I'm trying to see

in its entirety.

Smiling about your son - I think the greatest gift we can give our children

is their own deep sense of value and acceptance.

LT