New

[Guest guest]

Hello,

After years of trying to cope with

and/or avoid my unpredictable, emotionally unstable and at times abusive mother

I have started looking for answers. My mother has been diagnosed with complex

post traumatic stress disorder, but I think that many of her behaviours match

descriptions of borderline personality disorder too. She has been in therapy

(psychoanalysis) for two years and if anything appears to be more unstable and

takes even less responsibility for her unreasonable behaviour. I’m reluctant

to

weigh in with my amateur diagnosis, but if some of the advice for coping with a

BPD person makes sense to me I will try it out.

I am the eldest of four children

(the youngest still lives at home) and I feel a huge responsibility to my

younger siblings to try and be a stable loving sister to make help make up for

my mother’s deficiencies.

I am also concerned that my feelings

towards my mother have become more of duty and guilt and less of love and

compassion. I put up with her, I don’t enjoy her. I am really pleased to have

found some discussion of the kinds of problems other people experience and

hopefully I will be able to develop better techniques for keeping myself and

siblings safe and feeling more positively about my mother.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the group, I just joined this week myself having come to my own

conclusion

after reading and thinking a little of my own past that my mother has many of

the traits of BPD. Due to the fact that I'm currently staying with her I too

have been searching for any and all tools to help me cope better and prevent

slight emotional reactions on her part becoming out of control and today has

been day 1 and not too bad.

For my own healing I have found reading Surviving a Borderline Parent very

helpful as strangely it never occurred to me that I have the right to

psychological safety amongst other things, however for tools (which I'm already

starting to use) The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder

has been very helpful...I'm currently learning to use the verse to

Row-Row-Row-Your Boat:

Breath, breath safety first

acknowledge what you hear

don't defend delay instead

distract, defuse or DEAR.

Where each part of the verse is very clearly spelled out with explanations and

advice. I find that my mother's oversensitivity means that I have to do

everything I can when communicating to be at ease as far as possible and that

this works when trying to bring some balance into distorted perspectives as

she's not currently deeply mired at present.

I have a feeling though that learning to communicate, set and stick by limits

regarding behaviour may be something you'd be interested in?

I think most of my interactions with my mother these days feels less based on

love than it used to (compassion fatigue?) mainly because I was pushed way

passed my coping point many years ago and I'm not fully conversant with my

emotions (see my other posts). Although things are nowhere near as bad as they

used to be I knew that I had to start looking after myself when coming out from

hospital after surgery my mother appeared to be more interested in her bruises

sustained from a trip abroad than my own very frail condition, and although I

can't relay the entire story I ended up letting her sleep in my own bed whilst I

went to a hotel (my own suggestion as I didn't want to be in close contact). I

feel less hurt than I did because there are times when not under stress and

pressure the feeling of love occasionally arises and as a family we don't have

many other people around us. At present I'm trying to view the humanity of the

situation, trying to be interested in a loving way towards myself, my own

reactions, her emotions and my father's - but I do recognise that this will be

flung out the window pretty darn quick if/once the stress really kicks in.

Kind thoughts,

Lavender

>

> Hello,

> After years of trying to cope with

> and/or avoid my unpredictable, emotionally unstable and at times abusive

mother

> I have started looking for answers. My mother has been diagnosed with complex

> post traumatic stress disorder, but I think that many of her behaviours match

> descriptions of borderline personality disorder too. She has been in therapy

> (psychoanalysis) for two years and if anything appears to be more unstable and

> takes even less responsibility for her unreasonable behaviour. I’m reluctant

to

> weigh in with my amateur diagnosis, but if some of the advice for coping with

a

> BPD person makes sense to me I will try it out.

> I am the eldest of four children

> (the youngest still lives at home) and I feel a huge responsibility to my

> younger siblings to try and be a stable loving sister to make help make up for

> my mother’s deficiencies.

> I am also concerned that my feelings

> towards my mother have become more of duty and guilt and less of love and

> compassion. I put up with her, I don’t enjoy her. I am really pleased to

have

> found some discussion of the kinds of problems other people experience and

> hopefully I will be able to develop better techniques for keeping myself and

> siblings safe and feeling more positively about my mother.

>

>