How do you stop communication?

[Guest guest]

I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal with a

Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone else that

has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing guy who

deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking to her,

crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still loving

me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We have

decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just because

of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons, jobs,

weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

Sasha

[Guest guest]

Me personally, I think the " how? " is about deciding and really accepting that

you don't *deserve* to be treated abusively, even if its by your own mother.

We generally don't allow strangers or acquaintances to mistreat us, but we let

nada. Weird, huh.

When you can wrap your mind around the idea that *its OK* to distance yourself

emotionally and even physically from abusive people, half the battle is won.

There are no moral or ethical violations inherent in self-defense. Its not

morally wrong to block or dodge away from someone who is trying to hit you, or

move your hand away from a hot stove to keep it from burning you.

I think its also about accepting the idea that you are not responsible for your

mother being mentally ill. You are not her parent. Its not your job to make

her feel good about herself and tap-dance to make her feel pleased with you and

give you approval and validation. Her feelings and her happiness are her

responsibility, not yours. So give your misplaced and inappropriate feelings of

guilt and responsibility back to mom. Her feelings are hers to carry. If she

is unhappy, then she gets to do something about it, like go into therapy. She

is an adult, she is responsible for herself. It was wrong and abusive of her to

make you feel responsible for her feelings in the first place.

So, the " how? " is about allowing yourself to see things, see reality from a

different and healthier perspective. In my opinion.

-Annie

>

> I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal with a

Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone else that

has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing guy who

deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking to her,

crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still loving

me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We have

decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just because

of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons, jobs,

weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

>

> Sasha

>

[Guest guest]

Annie hit the nail on the head, IMO. I've been NC with my nada almost

3 years now after moving 200 miles away. It was something I had

thought about doing for 2 years before I did it, and I have to say I

have no regrets now.

Was it hard? Yeah, it sure was. But it got easier. There are still

moments where I feel some sadness/grief over all of it, like at

Christmas for a moment (for example). There will always be an empty

place in my heart where a mom should have been, but she's not the one

to fill it. Even with moments of grief over it, it's not like it used

to be. Most of the time I just stop & look at how much happier I am

without the toxicity in my life.

But yes, it is about being mentally prepared to make the NC move.

Again, NC is not for everyone and some folks here manage to maintain

both their sanity & a relationship with a nada and/or fada. But for

me, that wasn't a possibility and NC was absolutely for me.

I had had 2ish years to think/dream about going NC when I finally did

which helped. Not that you need years, per say, but I had thought

about it a lot. Then, when nada refused to return my phone calls

before moving out of state, I realized a wonderful opportunity had

arisen. I could move and she wouldn't have much idea where I was... I

could be free from that toxicity and start healing & move on. And it

has been WONDERFUL. Yeah, still sounds so cold to say it, " God I'm so

much happier without my " mom " in my life " but it's very true.

But it was hard. Moving 200 miles from home was hard anyway... being

away from my dad, step mom, siblings, friends... But there was

something to it all that had me motivated to work hard on myself to

find happiness, and I did manage that with the help of a wonderful

therapist who I found about a week after moving here.

Of course, individual results may vary, but that would be my

suggestion for you if you decide that NC is for you & your family: Be

as mentally prepared for it as you can. Find a good therapist who

knows about personality disorders & post traumatic stress disorder

(because I swear most of us walk out with at the very lease a touch of

PTSD... in my case, it was far more than a " touch " ). See your

therapist regularly, keep lines of communication open with your

husband and make sure NO ONE who would tell your nada where your at

actually knows where you're at. Be prepared for her to track you down

because chances are that she or one of her flying monkeys will do so.

Mine did after a year or so and I was able to handle it much better

than expected (It was still HARD and SCARY but *I* took control and

did the work & research I needed to in order to protect myself).

I had also told nada 2 weeks after moving here (via email) that I was

done & wanted nothing more to do with her. Even with the flying

monkey interference, I have stuck by that. It did mean having to cut

off contact with a few other people, but there were not looking out

for my best interest and it was a situation where I felt that it was

OK to be selfish. I had simply had enough of nada's craziness. It

was time to move on and HEAL and I wasn't going to let anything stop

me.

I have NO regrets. In 2.5 (almost 3) years, I have come SUCH a long

way. But I was ready for this decision, and I was ready to do the

work to start healing. For the first time in my life, I can say with

all honesty & with a smile on my face, " I am happy " .

There are still those moments (Christmas) where I miss " mom " ... not

necessarily the woman who gave birth to me, but the mom we all

deserve. But even though my " mom " is a nada, there was still good

moments with her. I allow myself to grieve when those moments arise

and then I keep moving forward.

Being in the absolute horrid depths of PTSD was awful. Now, the past

is the past and I can look forward to the future and the now.

Anyway, sorry. I know I sound like a huge advocate of NC, but I must

repeat myself: It is not for everyone. For me, it has been

wonderful.

We are all here for you no matter what you decide. Good luck, and

sorry I am very long winded on this post!

*Hugs*

Mia

>

>

>

> Me personally, I think the " how? " is about deciding and really accepting that

you don't *deserve* to be treated abusively, even if its by your own mother.

>

> We generally don't allow strangers or acquaintances to mistreat us, but we let

nada. Weird, huh.

>

> When you can wrap your mind around the idea that *its OK* to distance yourself

emotionally and even physically from abusive people, half the battle is won.

There are no moral or ethical violations inherent in self-defense. Its not

morally wrong to block or dodge away from someone who is trying to hit you, or

move your hand away from a hot stove to keep it from burning you.

>

> I think its also about accepting the idea that you are not responsible for

your mother being mentally ill. You are not her parent. Its not your job to make

her feel good about herself and tap-dance to make her feel pleased with you and

give you approval and validation. Her feelings and her happiness are her

responsibility, not yours. So give your misplaced and inappropriate feelings of

guilt and responsibility back to mom. Her feelings are hers to carry. If she is

unhappy, then she gets to do something about it, like go into therapy. She is an

adult, she is responsible for herself. It was wrong and abusive of her to make

you feel responsible for her feelings in the first place.

>

> So, the " how? " is about allowing yourself to see things, see reality from a

different and healthier perspective. In my opinion.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal with

a Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone else

that has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing guy

who deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking to

her, crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still

loving me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We

have decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just

because of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons,

jobs, weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

> >

> > Sasha

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Also sorry for the typos, I just woke up lol. And I have to say as an

adjunct to therapy, having the wonderful folks on this list to talk to

about the tougher points of NC was a HUGE help! I can't believe I

forgot to say that. Sure, I guess it's implied since I'm still here &

all but no no... everyone here needs to know how much they are

appreciated by myself and others =)

In some ways it is so unfortunate that we're not alone in our battle

because that means others have had to go through it. But because

there are others who know where we're coming from, this group works so

very well.

I am VERY grateful for this group! Even though I don't post nearly as

much as I used to.

Mia

> Annie hit the nail on the head, IMO. I've been NC with my nada almost

> 3 years now after moving 200 miles away. It was something I had

> thought about doing for 2 years before I did it, and I have to say I

> have no regrets now.

>

> Was it hard? Yeah, it sure was. But it got easier. There are still

> moments where I feel some sadness/grief over all of it, like at

> Christmas for a moment (for example). There will always be an empty

> place in my heart where a mom should have been, but she's not the one

> to fill it. Even with moments of grief over it, it's not like it used

> to be. Most of the time I just stop & look at how much happier I am

> without the toxicity in my life.

>

> But yes, it is about being mentally prepared to make the NC move.

> Again, NC is not for everyone and some folks here manage to maintain

> both their sanity & a relationship with a nada and/or fada. But for

> me, that wasn't a possibility and NC was absolutely for me.

>

> I had had 2ish years to think/dream about going NC when I finally did

> which helped. Not that you need years, per say, but I had thought

> about it a lot. Then, when nada refused to return my phone calls

> before moving out of state, I realized a wonderful opportunity had

> arisen. I could move and she wouldn't have much idea where I was... I

> could be free from that toxicity and start healing & move on. And it

> has been WONDERFUL. Yeah, still sounds so cold to say it, " God I'm so

> much happier without my " mom " in my life " but it's very true.

>

> But it was hard. Moving 200 miles from home was hard anyway... being

> away from my dad, step mom, siblings, friends... But there was

> something to it all that had me motivated to work hard on myself to

> find happiness, and I did manage that with the help of a wonderful

> therapist who I found about a week after moving here.

>

> Of course, individual results may vary, but that would be my

> suggestion for you if you decide that NC is for you & your family: Be

> as mentally prepared for it as you can. Find a good therapist who

> knows about personality disorders & post traumatic stress disorder

> (because I swear most of us walk out with at the very lease a touch of

> PTSD... in my case, it was far more than a " touch " ). See your

> therapist regularly, keep lines of communication open with your

> husband and make sure NO ONE who would tell your nada where your at

> actually knows where you're at. Be prepared for her to track you down

> because chances are that she or one of her flying monkeys will do so.

> Mine did after a year or so and I was able to handle it much better

> than expected (It was still HARD and SCARY but *I* took control and

> did the work & research I needed to in order to protect myself).

>

> I had also told nada 2 weeks after moving here (via email) that I was

> done & wanted nothing more to do with her. Even with the flying

> monkey interference, I have stuck by that. It did mean having to cut

> off contact with a few other people, but there were not looking out

> for my best interest and it was a situation where I felt that it was

> OK to be selfish. I had simply had enough of nada's craziness. It

> was time to move on and HEAL and I wasn't going to let anything stop

> me.

>

> I have NO regrets. In 2.5 (almost 3) years, I have come SUCH a long

> way. But I was ready for this decision, and I was ready to do the

> work to start healing. For the first time in my life, I can say with

> all honesty & with a smile on my face, " I am happy " .

>

> There are still those moments (Christmas) where I miss " mom " ... not

> necessarily the woman who gave birth to me, but the mom we all

> deserve. But even though my " mom " is a nada, there was still good

> moments with her. I allow myself to grieve when those moments arise

> and then I keep moving forward.

>

> Being in the absolute horrid depths of PTSD was awful. Now, the past

> is the past and I can look forward to the future and the now.

>

> Anyway, sorry. I know I sound like a huge advocate of NC, but I must

> repeat myself: It is not for everyone. For me, it has been

> wonderful.

>

> We are all here for you no matter what you decide. Good luck, and

> sorry I am very long winded on this post!

>

> *Hugs*

>

> Mia

>

>

>>

>>

>>

>> Me personally, I think the " how? " is about deciding and really accepting that

you don't *deserve* to be treated abusively, even if its by your own mother.

>>

>> We generally don't allow strangers or acquaintances to mistreat us, but we

let nada. Weird, huh.

>>

>> When you can wrap your mind around the idea that *its OK* to distance

yourself emotionally and even physically from abusive people, half the battle is

won. There are no moral or ethical violations inherent in self-defense. Its not

morally wrong to block or dodge away from someone who is trying to hit you, or

move your hand away from a hot stove to keep it from burning you.

>>

>> I think its also about accepting the idea that you are not responsible for

your mother being mentally ill. You are not her parent. Its not your job to make

her feel good about herself and tap-dance to make her feel pleased with you and

give you approval and validation. Her feelings and her happiness are her

responsibility, not yours. So give your misplaced and inappropriate feelings of

guilt and responsibility back to mom. Her feelings are hers to carry. If she is

unhappy, then she gets to do something about it, like go into therapy. She is an

adult, she is responsible for herself. It was wrong and abusive of her to make

you feel responsible for her feelings in the first place.

>>

>> So, the " how? " is about allowing yourself to see things, see reality from a

different and healthier perspective. In my opinion.

>>

>> -Annie

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal with

a Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone else

that has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing guy

who deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking to

her, crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still

loving me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We

have decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just

because of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons,

jobs, weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

>> >

>> > Sasha

>> >

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Nevertheless I received a nasty e-mail from my Mom. BTW what does NADA stand

for? Accused me of wanting to " bury her in the ground " how awful my husband is

<he is a saint>. Putting it all on me and telling me that I only have three

weeks left and the ball in my court. Mind you that exact sentence was begged to

her by me on Saturday to please stop yelling at me for things I didn't do and

stop blaming me of taking sides I have three weeks JUST STOP! She won't I have

yet to figure out how to handle this do I leave without saying goodbye. Is this

the right thing to do? Probably not but she doesn't deserve to have me in her

life anyways. I feel like it's like ripping off a bandaid and just getting it

done and over with. I hate how I feel when she is raging and fighting with

everyone. It makes every day unbearable. Thank you all for your suggestions

thoughts and kindness most people do not understand what we go through daily and

it pretty much is a living hell.

> >> >

> >> > I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal

with a Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone

else that has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing

guy who deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking

to her, crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still

loving me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We

have decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just

because of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons,

jobs, weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

> >> >

> >> > Sasha

> >> >

> >>

> >>

>

[Guest guest]

Thing is, you don't have the power to make your bpd-mom (or " nada " : short for

" not a mom " ) do or stop doing anything. She is sort of like an erupting

volcano; you can't reason with a volcano or explain to it that spewing hot lava

on you hurts you.

The only power you have is over your own behaviors and choices. You can choose

to block your mother's e-mail address entirely, or send it automatically into

the trash, or into a folder that you never open and read.

Her behavior is frustrating and scary and hostile, but you get to choose whether

to expose yourself to it or not. Its not wrong to remove yourself from harm,

even if the harm is coming from your mother.

She can't change, or won't change, because she is too severely mentally ill.

You can change, though. You can decide that you won't engage with your " nada "

when she begins saying untrue, hurtful, critical, bizarre things to you, or

about you, or about your husband.

Its hard for us adult children of mentally ill parents to stand up to them and

just say " No " , or just not answer the phone or just not open or read the e-mail,

but we DO have the right to do this and the power to do this.

So, its about overcoming your own fear, your own reluctance to take the

initiative, your own need for your mother's approval. At some point, we each

begin to realize and accept that " I'm an adult, I have basic human rights, and I

do not deserve to be abused like this. "

When we can accept that no, we don't deserve this kind of hostile treatment, we

can then summon up our adult power and say, " Mom, I'm not going to listen to you

when you are upset and calling me names ( or accusing me of things I didn't do,

or saying ugly, untrue things about my husband, etc.) I'm hanging up now; we can

talk later when you are feeling calmer. 'bye. " or " I need a time out from our

relationship, mom; I'm not going to be in contact with you for a while. I'll let

you know when I'm ready to get back in touch with you. "

The hard part is re-orienting your mind / your reality to accept that you *can*

say those things to your mother; that its OK to protect yourself (set

boundaries/enforce consequences for boundary violations) that shield you from

further abuse.

-Annie

> > >> >

> > >> > I have been poking around here in the past let's say two years. I deal

with a Mom that clearly has BPD not diagnosed as you all know it is everyone

else that has the problem not her. Here is my issue. I have married an amazing

guy who deals with all my families BS and supports me talking to her not talking

to her, crying, being depressed, shutting down, angry everything and he is still

loving me unconditional something I have never experienced from my mother. We

have decided to relocate about 1700 miles away from mom and family. Not just

because of her but she wants to take all the credit but for various reasons,

jobs, weather and a new beginning. She is starting her fights with everyone name

calling, bashing, harassing phone calls etc...I cannot continue this way any

more how do I deal with the no contact. I know how to physically NOT talk to her

but how do you deal emotionally espically since we are moving in a few weeks?

> > >> >

> > >> > Sasha

> > >> >

> > >>

> > >>

> >

>