The sadness of not having real parents

[Guest guest]

I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be moving

several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days now until

we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves me and

she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that they

think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

Lots of conflicting feelings.

[Guest guest]

(((((Ambertolina)))))

You are describing so closely the conflicted, ambivalent feelings I had toward

my own recently deceased mom/nada. I wanted to love her, but it hurt too much.

It was too scary and stressful to make myself vulnerable to her by giving her my

trust and love. The word that most closely describes how I felt around my own

mother most of the time, whether in her presence or speaking to her by phone,

was anxiety. I believe that my nada thought that she loved me, but her

behaviors were so often not loving at all; in fact it felt to me rather often

that *she wanted to hurt me.* Toward the end of her life, the closest thing

to love I was able to feel toward her was pity.

So I can relate to how conflicted you are feeling.

I am leaving shortly to travel across the country and attend my mother's

memorial service.

And, I'm sure my feelings during this experience will remain very turbulent and

mixed; a combination of sadness and relief. I am thinking of this experience as

honoring the fragments of my mother that were not mentally ill.

I believe I need to attend in order to make mom/nada's death real to me; being

in virtual No Contact with her for three years, not seeing or hearing her voice

for long periods, makes it harder for me to internalize the reality of her

death. Attending her memorial service will help me gain some closure, and to

begin to accept that I no longer need to concern myself with my mother's/nada's

needs and feelings. Her feelings are now forever only hers to bear, in whatever

plane of existence she inhabits now. I hope that wherever that is, if there is

an afterlife, that she is now sane, and at peace.

And I hope that I and my Sister will now be able to turn the page and go forward

in serenity and joy with the next chapters of our own lives.

-Annie

>

> I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be moving

several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days now until

we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves me and

she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

>

> It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that they

think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

>

> Lots of conflicting feelings.

>

[Guest guest]

Oh god. " honoring the fragments of my mother that were not mentally ill. " That

makes me want to cry. There's so little left of my mother that's not mentally

ill. So little left that she does really well and with love.

Yes. Anxiety. Every time the phone rings and I see Nada or Fada on the caller

ID. Anxiety. Getting myself ready for whatever nuttiness they're going to spew

at me.

Some of the worst visits with my mother are the good ones. I find myself driving

away wondering if I've imagined or overblown her horrible behavior. I wonder,

" Am *I* the crazy one? " And then she hurts me again and it's all too clear what

the truth is.

I can't imagine what I'll feel when they die. Relief. Sadness for what never was

and what never will be. Ashamed if I don't cry at the funeral. Ashamed that --

especially in the case of Nada -- I won't even want to participate in a funeral,

even though I'll be the one to organize everything, because there is no one else

to do it.

I wish you well at the memorial service. I can't imagine how tough it will be.

> >

> > I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be moving

several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days now until

we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves me and

she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

> >

> > It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that they

think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

> >

> > Lots of conflicting feelings.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Annie; it's so hard to articulate my feelings toward my mother.

As you said, Ambertolina, they are such conflicted feelings. But there will

always be that scary part of the relationship with her, always feeling that I

have to be on my guard, always. Sometimes, she surprises me and we have a nice

visit or conversation. Other times, she--out of her own fear of abandonment

and/or anxiety--rips into me.

Amber, this has to be so hard for you, the way your nada is making it all about

her and so hard for you. That's nadas. No matter what a situation is really

about, in the end, it's all about how it affects her.

Annie, I love your perspective on your mom's memorial service: that you are

thinking of it as honoring the fragments of her that were not mentally ill. I

think that's lovely and noble.

Hugs,

Fiona

> >

> > I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be moving

several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days now until

we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves me and

she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

> >

> > It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that they

think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

> >

> > Lots of conflicting feelings.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" Some of the worst visits with my mother are the good ones. I find myself

driving away wondering if I've imagined or overblown her horrible behavior. I

wonder, " Am *I* the crazy one? " And then she hurts me again and it's all too

clear what the truth is. "

Ambertolina, it's SO true. That's me!! We'll have nice visits and I'll think,

" maybe I'm being much too harsh... " And then the next phone conversation

confirms that my setting boundaries with her wasn't wrong.

> > >

> > > I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be moving

several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days now until

we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves me and

she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

> > >

> > > It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that

they think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

> > >

> > > Lots of conflicting feelings.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, sorry that you're now dealing with her passing. I too feel pity for my

still living nada. I think sometimes they just never had a chance to be normal.

Pile pity onto the anger, sadness, regret and pure anguish of having a sick

mother.

The healing process is not a simple thing is it? Good luck to you at her

service, and I'm wishing for you all the best and no flying monkeys.

[Guest guest]

Ambertolina and Fiona,

I never thought about it this way, but it is so true, that the " good visits " are

the worst, because of the doubt and guilt that come after. And then I feel like

a trator for doubting her and seeing her as BPD, but then the shaming or cutting

comment is said and I remember. It is never too far away.

Recently, when I called her to talk, she is now out 1500 miles away for the

winter, she made the all so conveneint comment that since my father died about a

year ago, she really can't remember so much of what she has said to people.

Really? So convenient, especially now that me and mine are often her favorite

targets.

Tiring,

> > > >

> > > > I've mentioned here that my husband and child and I are going to be

moving several states away from my FOO. We're getting down to just a few days

now until we move. Nada called a few minutes ago to let me know that she loves

me and she'll miss me. Fada has said the same.

> > > >

> > > > It's so sad, because I want to miss them, but I won't. And I know that

they think they love me, but their actions don't bear that out.

> > > >

> > > > Lots of conflicting feelings.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>