Recovering from a breakdown

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

My sister Alice posted on this site a year ago (see below), and has since

introduced me to it. I've been reading the posts for a while but thought it was

time I said hello - and thank you. Especially for the all the great advice you

gave my sister for the wedding. The day itself went fantastically well.

I am much better than I was a year ago, but am still a long way from being

well. I'm in long term group therapy and have recently started reading again.

I've read a fair bit on the subject of depression / BPD including 'Surviving a

Borderline Parent'. As a result I understand myself a lot better, feel that my

life makes a lot more sense, and until recently had almost stopped the self

abuse (mainly name calling). I hadn't felt suicidal for several months.

However, since early Dec I've definitely slipped back into my old ways. I rarely

left my bed in Dec, did no work / gym / therapy or seeing friends. I think I

understand the trigger for it - it's to do with work which is extremely

important to me, and it took a couple of serious set backs in November.

I run my own business from home which I started after leaving my career job 4

years ago due to a breakdown. At the time I didn't realise I was depressed, I

just thought I'd been 'found out' at last. Needless to say my business hasn't

done well and I'm now running out of money. I felt well enough in Nov to apply

for a career job again but fell apart in the interview - which was really just a

chat. There were no difficult questions.

I think I can summarise my worry as this - will I ever get well enough to reach

the (high) standards I set myself? Is this experience similar to anyone's? Any

advice gladly received.

Thanks in advance

>

> Hi there.

>

> I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

>

> As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

>

> She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

>

> As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept

that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to have

a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking' because I

bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the one SHE

wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to remind

me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be important is

that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it back to herself

and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the bridesmaids

dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am trying to

include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but never

provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for more and

more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with her

approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision, otherwise

nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision

without her.

> I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of planning

a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have to talk to

her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to understand

that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his life & she

will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too many

times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday & he

had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

>

> I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

>

> Any advice out there?!?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group.

I hope the Group can be a help to you RE getting a handle on dealing with your

bpd mom; it can be a long process. That's great that you have started educating

yourself about borderline pd, and I suggest " Understanding The Borderline

Mother " as packing a great deal of highly relevant information about how a bpd

mother negatively impacts her children and how to deal with the various

sub-types of bpd mom: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch.

Re your depression; it sounds like you are on the road to recovery but it truly

can be a winding road with some switchbacks.

Becoming well is not an event but a process, with many small steps along the

way.

My own suggestion (to take or leave) is to ask your therapist about whether he

or she thinks you might also have traits of post-traumatic stress disorder;

there would be a different therapy approach for that in addition to the therapy

for depression.

And, in my opinion, its not necessary to be " perfect. " Unrealistically high

standards being inflicted on us, demanded of us by our mentally ill mothers

helped damage us in the first place. Perfectionism is like trying to breathe

pure oxygen: its actually very toxic.

So from my point of view, you are engaging in self-abuse when you expect

yourself to be " perfect " or " superior " to other people; its only important to

be " good enough " .

That's my philosophy anyway; I used to be " infected " with perfectionism, due to

my own bpd/npd mom, and it never made me happy. Expecting perfection in myself

filled me with self-loathing, and expecting perfection from others wasn't a

loving way to treat other people and it did not make me lovable. It was

actually a guarantee of being miserable and inflicting misery, because nothing

in this world is ever perfect. So, I finally stopped being a perfectionist and

I'm a much calmer and more relaxed person in middle age than I ever was as a

child, teen, or young adult.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi there.

> >

> > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

> >

> > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> >

> > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there is

something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will never

take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts me, my

brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the wounded one.

> >

> > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever accept

that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her formally

diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to

have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the

decision without her.

> > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> >

> > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> >

> > Any advice out there?!?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

you just need to re-train yourself to think differently. thats all.(that was a

lame joke)

I have to do that too. I am incredibly self critical. I cried the other day

because I tried to go to the library and I went before it was open and was

convinced it made me " stupid "

making honest mistakes should not be devastating.

sometimes I get trapped thinking about all the dumb things I have ever

done/said/or thought.

it is really hard to get out of that.

especially because I have had so much of what I have ever done/said/and felt

criticized, and shamed.

your poor sister caught in the middle. she sounds like she is a great support to

you. I have understanding sisters too. it makes such a difference to have people

who understand so well.

therapy is helping me.

you need to listen when people tell you you are worthwhile. your mom does not

know you. I have decided mine does not know me. the person she criticizes, and

blames, and loathes does not exist.

getting the job done is all you need to do. and if it is barley worth doing

barley do it.

I am not suggesting you do a crappy job of everything, just that all those

little details you are stuck on, are only as important as you make them.

this is a little pep talk I give myself when I feel " stupid " " inadequate " and

" wrong "

nada's are MEAN.

hope you can figure it out, being independent is healing too.

Meikjn

here's to a breakdown free 2012!

> > >

> > > Hi there.

> > >

> > > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

> > >

> > > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> > >

> > > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there

is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will

never take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts

me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

wounded one.

> > >

> > > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her

formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to

have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the

decision without her.

> > > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> > >

> > > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> > >

> > > Any advice out there?!?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie,

Looking at the symptoms for PTSD I think you are right; both my sister and I

show a lot of the symptoms. I will bring it up in my next therapy session.

Something else to add to the list! So far I have depression, anxiety, avoidant

attachment and PTSD. Whilst checking out PTSD I've also come across Dissociative

Disorders which I think may also apply to me. Great for the self discovery but

it does make me feel like I'm more messed up than I thought. It's making me feel

a defective / disadvantaged. i.e. I have no chance of 'making it'.

I've already tried tackling the perfectionism thing with a therapist with

limited results. It took me a while to see it but I can see now that I have been

trying to be perfect - and expecting the same of others. However, lowering my

standards and expectations fills me with fear. When I was growing up it was my

academic success that I pinned all my hopes on - one day I'll be rich successful

and independent. I know my self esteem rests too heavily on it, but the

alternative is too shameful to me. I'm having a lot of trouble changing the way

I feel about this....

> > >

> > > Hi there.

> > >

> > > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

> > >

> > > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> > >

> > > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there

is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will

never take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts

me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

wounded one.

> > >

> > > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her

formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to

have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the

decision without her.

> > > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> > >

> > > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> > >

> > > Any advice out there?!?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Meikjn,

Lovin the joke ;-)

I've done something v similar to you and the library with the doctors. Went on

the wrong day to my appointment - was devastated!!

I also go over and over any stupid thing I've said or done or anything bad that

has happened to me. I banned myself from it recently but it is back now.

My sister is great, she's my favourite person in the world. She has been so good

to me but is suffering so much herself. She has many of the symptoms I do and is

caught in the middle. I hope can return the favour and help her get better too.

Talking of which i need to leave to get a train to see her. Thanks for the help

and HAPPY NEW YEAR too!

> > > >

> > > > Hi there.

> > > >

> > > > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an

NHS pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a

'high-functioning BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and

the more I learn, the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been

going on - my whole life is starting make sense.

> > > >

> > > > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> > > >

> > > > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there

is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will

never take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts

me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

wounded one.

> > > >

> > > > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her

formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > > > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > > > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going

to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the

decision without her.

> > > > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> > > >

> > > > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice out there?!?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

the best advise I received was would you allow your friends to treat you this

way the answer would always be NO.  Therefore, to let your nada treat you like

this will ruin your wedding for you.  Part of the fun is making the decisions

and planning the wedding.  If your nada makes the process not fun or difficult

the only answer is to not include her at all.  You are in charge of your own

wedding do not let her ruin the the process.  You are in control and you need

to tell her if she can not make this a fun planning process you are going to be

forced to not include her in the process at all.  Give her warning if she can

not follow what you expect tell her politely she will no longer be included at

all.  

Do not let anyone nada, fada siblings or friends ruin your special day.  At

some point you must take charge of a bad situation.  I am trying hard to follow

the good advise I have received, I hope you can do the same to insure your day

will be special.

Ginger

Subject: Re: Recovering from a breakdown

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, January 7, 2012, 9:04 AM

 

Thanks Annie,

Looking at the symptoms for PTSD I think you are right; both my sister and I

show a lot of the symptoms. I will bring it up in my next therapy session.

Something else to add to the list! So far I have depression, anxiety, avoidant

attachment and PTSD. Whilst checking out PTSD I've also come across Dissociative

Disorders which I think may also apply to me. Great for the self discovery but

it does make me feel like I'm more messed up than I thought. It's making me feel

a defective / disadvantaged. i.e. I have no chance of 'making it'.

I've already tried tackling the perfectionism thing with a therapist with

limited results. It took me a while to see it but I can see now that I have been

trying to be perfect - and expecting the same of others. However, lowering my

standards and expectations fills me with fear. When I was growing up it was my

academic success that I pinned all my hopes on - one day I'll be rich successful

and independent. I know my self esteem rests too heavily on it, but the

alternative is too shameful to me. I'm having a lot of trouble changing the way

I feel about this....

> > >

> > > Hi there.

> > >

> > > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an NHS

pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a 'high-functioning

BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and the more I learn,

the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been going on - my whole

life is starting make sense.

> > >

> > > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> > >

> > > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there

is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will

never take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts

me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

wounded one.

> > >

> > > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her

formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going to

have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get

done, and then she sulks because I have made the decision without her.

> > > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> > >

> > > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> > >

> > > Any advice out there?!?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I too wish that changing ourselves was easy and quick; most of the time it

isn't. I have to lose a substantial amount of weight and become more physically

healthy; its going to take me about 2 years to do this (Gah!! Two freaking

years!!) of eating very consciously and healthily, and exercising daily. So I

*can* change myself, but only IF I just keep plugging away at it and don't give

up or backslide. For me this is fraught with pain and anxiety; its so very NOT

easy. I hate exercise; I just truly hate it. I am naturally indolent and

slothful. I hate having to watch what I eat, and giving up my favorite

high-calorie foods, and not snacking whenever I want to, on whatever I want to,

sometimes makes me feel like I am punishing myself, not being good to myself.

But I can't become healthy again if I don't make these changes.

So, its about deciding what makes you more miserable: letting things stay the

way they are and perhaps getting even worse/less healthy, or doing the hard,

slogging work of changing ourselves *in spite of* the fact that change makes us

anxious or feels painful or unpleasant *while its in progress.*

Each of us has to decide what we can or can't live with, and if the hard work of

change is worth the results.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Hi there.

> > > >

> > > > I am a 32 year female and it has recently been explained to me, by an

NHS pscyhiatrist, that my mother is displaying all the traits of a

'high-functioning BPD'. I knew nothing about this condition until recently, and

the more I learn, the more my eyes are being opened up to what has really been

going on - my whole life is starting make sense.

> > > >

> > > > As a family we have been going through hell for years, but we are going

through a particularly rough time right now. My older brother had a breakdown

two years ago and is currently being treated as 'critical' under NHS as high

suicide risk. He won't have anything to do with mum as he has discovered,

through pscychiatry and counselling, that she is the cause of his distress. I

too have been being treated for depression for years. It is through his

treatment though that we have come to learn about BPD. (I am his primary

carer).

> > > >

> > > > She refuses point blank to get help, even though I think she knows there

is something wrong with her. She blames everyone else for everything and will

never take any responsibility for her relationships and - even though she hurts

me, my brother and my Dad all the time - she behaves as though she is the

wounded one.

> > > >

> > > > As a high functioning BPD, I realise it is unlikely that she'll ever

accept that there is something wrong with her in order for us to have her

formally diagnosed. But I have two problems:

> > > > 1. She is so angry at my brother for cutting her out of his life, and

(because she doesn't know what we all suspect) she can't understand that he is

doing so in order to protect himself. She questions me about him all the time

and wants to know what he has said, but there is only so much I can tell her. I

feel that the only way for me to explain what he is feeling and thinking is if I

am honest with her about BPD, but I know she will hit the roof.

> > > > 2. I am getting married in June and I am so worried that she is going

to have a complete meltdown on the day and spoil it. She is already 'sulking'

because I bought the wrong wedding dress (i.e. the one that I wanted, not the

one SHE wanted) and as a result she is sending me one liner emails every day to

remind me of this fact. I have tried to explain to her that what should be

important is that I feel happy and beautiful in it, but she keeps bringing it

back to herself and asking me, 'but what about HER concerns???' She hates the

bridesmaids dresses I have chosen, the venue, the food, the colour scheme. I am

trying to include her in the decision making, but she criticises everything but

never provides any suggestions of her own. I keep searching the internet for

more and more options, desperate to try and please her, but nothing meets with

her approval. I then reach the point when I just have to make a decision,

otherwise nothing would get done, and then she sulks because I have made the

decision without her.

> > > > I'm getting to the point now when she is just adding to the stress of

planning a wedding, rather than helping me, and I feel that I am going to have

to talk to her. I also need to talk to her about the actual day as she needs to

understand that if she plans to 'play up', my fiancee will cut her out of his

life & she will no longer be welcome in our house. He has seen her upset me too

many times. E.g. she cancelled my 30th family lunch on the day of my birthday &

he had to pick up the pieces as I cried all day and then she acted as though she

had no idea she had done anything wrong. Of course, back then I didn't know why

she was acting this way, so it helps to be able to understand it now.

> > > >

> > > > I just desperately need help and advice for managing her.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice out there?!?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" I too wish that changing ourselves was easy and quick; most of the time it

isn't. I have to lose a substantial amount of weight and become more physically

healthy; its going to take me about 2 years to do this (Gah!! Two freaking

years!!) of eating very consciously and healthily, and exercising daily. So I

*can* change myself, but only IF I just keep plugging away at it and don't give

up or backslide. For me this is fraught with pain and anxiety; its so very NOT

easy. I hate exercise; I just truly hate it. I am naturally indolent and

slothful. I hate having to watch what I eat, and giving up my favorite

high-calorie foods, and not snacking whenever I want to, on whatever I want to,

sometimes makes me feel like I am punishing myself, not being good to myself. "

No. Sad to say, it's going to be the rest of your life.

I am the same way. I can make good progress, and get that stomach down an inch

or two...and then, if I slack off three weeks, or even one month...there those

inches are again, and then some.

I just read this book that advises 45 minutes of daily exercise six days a week

for the rest of your life, along with watching every little bite, and doing a

long 2-3 hour workout once or twice a week forever, if you want to stay healthy

into your 80's and 90's.

Oh, those lucky people who actually love to work out!

I started to get into raw foodism because of this. A lot of things you love can

be made from raw organic fruits, veggies, raw chocolate, nuts, and coconut, and

you don't have to give up things you love. You can eat ice cream, for example,

and it isn't fattening and bad for you! I made a raw vegan chocolate layer cake

for Christmas. It is pretty darn good.

I totally hear the " punishment " thing, though. I am warring to get myself to

the gym right now.

--LL.