I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so embarrased of

July 8, 2011

I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so

embarrased of my mother and how she acts...afraid to have friends b/c

she is just going to ruin it somehow so why bother? She is one of the

most cruel people I know. I have been on the roller-coaster of my Mom's

BPD for ages...I just didn't know what the heck was going on...I just

knew she acted nuts sometimes and treated me like no mother should. My

Dad worked all of the time and acted like he didn't believe me, but he

had to of known what was going on b/c he avoided her like the plague.

Now that he is retired he is as passive as the day is long. He agrees

with everything she says...

I am now an adult and have a child of my own. Even though I am an

adult, they both still treat me like a child. My Dad knows what they

are doing is pushing me away, but he would rather go along with her and

not have to deal with her rages. It's easier for him. I end up being

the bad guy for not going along with what my mother wants.

The problem is that they do help out with my child...and use that as

collateral against me...GRRR! They are threatened by anything that

might not involve them and give me utter hell over it. I usually just

get pissed off, angry and avoid contact for a few days...then they are

nice etc. The roller coaster begins all over again. I had a friend

over last weekend to hang out and catch up. My mother cried all day b/c

I wasn't having dinner with them. If I do want to do things outside of

her, she has a complete stroke and acts like I am doing something wrong

and proceedes to have one of her rages. I am not evan able to enjoy my

time out b/c she will call my cell, yell, and make a nervous wreck. I

really want to know what has worked with everyone in setting boundaries

so that you can regain some control and not completly sever ties.

I must regain some control in my life.

Thanks for listening.

July 9, 2011

just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend on them

for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon against

you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to be your

priority.

>

> I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so

> embarrased of my mother and how she acts...afraid to have friends b/c

> she is just going to ruin it somehow so why bother? She is one of the

> most cruel people I know. I have been on the roller-coaster of my Mom's

> BPD for ages...I just didn't know what the heck was going on...I just

> knew she acted nuts sometimes and treated me like no mother should. My

> Dad worked all of the time and acted like he didn't believe me, but he

> had to of known what was going on b/c he avoided her like the plague.

> Now that he is retired he is as passive as the day is long. He agrees

> with everything she says...

> I am now an adult and have a child of my own. Even though I am an

> adult, they both still treat me like a child. My Dad knows what they

> are doing is pushing me away, but he would rather go along with her and

> not have to deal with her rages. It's easier for him. I end up being

> the bad guy for not going along with what my mother wants.

> The problem is that they do help out with my child...and use that as

> collateral against me...GRRR! They are threatened by anything that

> might not involve them and give me utter hell over it. I usually just

> get pissed off, angry and avoid contact for a few days...then they are

> nice etc. The roller coaster begins all over again. I had a friend

> over last weekend to hang out and catch up. My mother cried all day b/c

> I wasn't having dinner with them. If I do want to do things outside of

> her, she has a complete stroke and acts like I am doing something wrong

> and proceedes to have one of her rages. I am not evan able to enjoy my

> time out b/c she will call my cell, yell, and make a nervous wreck. I

> really want to know what has worked with everyone in setting boundaries

> so that you can regain some control and not completly sever ties.

> I must regain some control in my life.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

July 9, 2011

You are exactly right, depending on them for anything is putting me at a

disadvantage and making it more difficult to set limits. They disguise control

as 'helping'. I am determined to do what is right for me! Thank goodness this

support group exists! I have gained to much insight just reading you guy's

posts.

Amy

> just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend on them

for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon against

you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to be your

priority.

>

> >

> > I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so

> > embarrased of my mother and how she acts...afraid to have friends b/c

> > she is just going to ruin it somehow so why bother? She is one of the

> > most cruel people I know. I have been on the roller-coaster of my Mom's

> > BPD for ages...I just didn't know what the heck was going on...I just

> > knew she acted nuts sometimes and treated me like no mother should. My

> > Dad worked all of the time and acted like he didn't believe me, but he

> > had to of known what was going on b/c he avoided her like the plague.

> > Now that he is retired he is as passive as the day is long. He agrees

> > with everything she says...

> > I am now an adult and have a child of my own. Even though I am an

> > adult, they both still treat me like a child. My Dad knows what they

> > are doing is pushing me away, but he would rather go along with her and

> > not have to deal with her rages. It's easier for him. I end up being

> > the bad guy for not going along with what my mother wants.

> > The problem is that they do help out with my child...and use that as

> > collateral against me...GRRR! They are threatened by anything that

> > might not involve them and give me utter hell over it. I usually just

> > get pissed off, angry and avoid contact for a few days...then they are

> > nice etc. The roller coaster begins all over again. I had a friend

> > over last weekend to hang out and catch up. My mother cried all day b/c

> > I wasn't having dinner with them. If I do want to do things outside of

> > her, she has a complete stroke and acts like I am doing something wrong

> > and proceedes to have one of her rages. I am not evan able to enjoy my

> > time out b/c she will call my cell, yell, and make a nervous wreck. I

> > really want to know what has worked with everyone in setting boundaries

> > so that you can regain some control and not completly sever ties.

> > I must regain some control in my life.

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

July 9, 2011

Keep reading here and start looking into a book or two as well. There are SOOO

many good ones now. I just started reading the updated edition of Stope Walking

on Eggshells and am getting so much out of that. I've also read Surviving the

Borderline Mother and a few others which were also good.

Carla

>

> > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend on

them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon

against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to

be your priority.

July 9, 2011

Right now I'm reading 'Stop walking on eggshells.'. It is so much more work than

I could have imagined. Anything I do that exerts my individuality or

independence automatically threatens her and I get tears, yelling,

cursing....and.... I am the WORST person alive. It is so frustrating. It would

just be easier to completly cut off contact...but....that doesn't feel right

either.

Amy

> Keep reading here and start looking into a book or two as well. There are SOOO

many good ones now. I just started reading the updated edition of Stope Walking

on Eggshells and am getting so much out of that. I've also read Surviving the

Borderline Mother and a few others which were also good.

>

> Carla

>

> >

> > > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend on

them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon

against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to

be your priority.

>

July 9, 2011

some people do the whole VERY limited contact and when they have started

learning healthier behavior and let go of some of their own stuff, then they

start putting what they have learned into action. if there is one thing I have

learned, that nothing is set in stone and you adapt and adjust (I think this a

marine motto, how appropriate, LOL) Its an ongoing learning process and every

thing is fluid. you just gotta trust your gut.

Carla

> > >

> > > > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend

on them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon

against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to

be your priority.

> >

>

July 9, 2011

Its true: maintaining Low Contact includes creating and enforcing reasonable,

rational, adult boundaries with your nada/fada, and it can be very, very

labor-intensive. Like a small child, the mother or father with personality

disorder does not like to follow rules made by other people, they resent such

assertiveness on the part of their adult child, they feel entitled to all your

attention, all your free time, all your resources (basically, you are their

property) and they will attempt to reassert their authority over you again and

again by pretty much any means possible.

Your parents know what buttons work on you: they installed those buttons. So

your nada or fada will try to push any Fear, Obligation, or Guilt (FOG) button

you have in order to make you give up sticking to your boundaries.

If you can remain firm and consistent and not cave in under their FOGging

pressure, you may eventually reach a stage where they will comply with your

boundaries.

So, I agree: Low Contact is hard work. But there are only three options: Low

Contact, No Contact, or Letting Things Go On The Way They Always Have, which

means continuing to allow yourself to be used and abused.

Keep in mind that you can always go No Contact temporarily, like a " time out " if

they've been particularly or repeatedly toxic and destructive.

-Annie

> > >

> > > > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend

on them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon

against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to

be your priority.

> >

>

July 10, 2011

I second that: I don't ask my Mom for ANYTHING. She always uses it against me -

which is why I am such an independent person now, can do everything for myself

and family - I guess there is a good thing to this BPD experience, at least we

turn out independent!

N

> You are exactly right, depending on them for anything is putting me at a

disadvantage and making it more difficult to set limits. They disguise control

as 'helping'. I am determined to do what is right for me! Thank goodness this

support group exists! I have gained to much insight just reading you guy's

posts.

>

> Amy

>

> > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to depend on

them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a weapon

against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO, this needs to

be your priority.

> >

> > >

> > > I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so

> > > embarrased of my mother and how she acts...afraid to have friends b/c

> > > she is just going to ruin it somehow so why bother? She is one of the

> > > most cruel people I know. I have been on the roller-coaster of my Mom's

> > > BPD for ages...I just didn't know what the heck was going on...I just

> > > knew she acted nuts sometimes and treated me like no mother should. My

> > > Dad worked all of the time and acted like he didn't believe me, but he

> > > had to of known what was going on b/c he avoided her like the plague.

> > > Now that he is retired he is as passive as the day is long. He agrees

> > > with everything she says...

> > > I am now an adult and have a child of my own. Even though I am an

> > > adult, they both still treat me like a child. My Dad knows what they

> > > are doing is pushing me away, but he would rather go along with her and

> > > not have to deal with her rages. It's easier for him. I end up being

> > > the bad guy for not going along with what my mother wants.

> > > The problem is that they do help out with my child...and use that as

> > > collateral against me...GRRR! They are threatened by anything that

> > > might not involve them and give me utter hell over it. I usually just

> > > get pissed off, angry and avoid contact for a few days...then they are

> > > nice etc. The roller coaster begins all over again. I had a friend

> > > over last weekend to hang out and catch up. My mother cried all day b/c

> > > I wasn't having dinner with them. If I do want to do things outside of

> > > her, she has a complete stroke and acts like I am doing something wrong

> > > and proceedes to have one of her rages. I am not evan able to enjoy my

> > > time out b/c she will call my cell, yell, and make a nervous wreck. I

> > > really want to know what has worked with everyone in setting boundaries

> > > so that you can regain some control and not completly sever ties.

> > > I must regain some control in my life.

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

>

July 11, 2011

nada used to call me at work with " emergencies " and fill up my home

answering machine. eventually i got smarter than nada. i changed my home

number and only gave her my cell number. i set her personal ringtone to

<<silent>>. i don't (can't) have voicemail because she will fill it up with

hours of unsolicited " advice " , revisionist history ( " you had a WONDERFUL

childhood " ) and " helpful criticism " . i choose when/if I return her calls

based on her behavior and my own best interest. i try to reward her with

return calls when she is basically behaving herself. i try to not step on

her abandonment paranoia tripwires because it only makes my life harder.

modern technology (the cell phone) has helped me establish some boundaries.

if i didn't enforce them, she would erase them completely. it is up to me

to defend myself against her destructive forces. i have been able to create

a sanctuary for myself that has made a world of difference. i wish the same

for all of you.

KF

On Sun, Jul 10, 2011 at 8:36 PM, little purplesticker <

littlepurplesticker@...> wrote:

> **

>

> I'll take that one step further. I don't rely on any of my family for

> anything. This past year I went off my dad's family cell phone plan and it

> has given me a much greater sense of control and independence regarding any

> communication with foo. I wasn't crazy about having one more bill to pay,

> but it has been well worth it, a good investment in my sanity, which let's

> face it, is priceless! I changed my phone number last year because I was

> getting so many calls from nada which was causing me emotional distress,

> especially at work, the last thing I need is to be thrown into panic when

> my

> cell phone starts showing multiple missed calls and voicemails even when on

> silent. The whole point of me going to work is so I can focus on work and

> something that is not the crazy family in my life. I went NC with nada and

> didn't give the new number to anyone else in my family for almost 12 months

> (if it was an emergency, they could reach me by email; I was sick of having

> my phone ringing all the time when all I wanted was peace and quiet, I

> needed and deserved peace and quiet in my life). When I did give a number

> to

> my father (he's divorced and in a different state from my nada), I didn't

> give him my real number, but a Google Voice number instead, so in the event

> that some more shit hits the fan and he starts going crazy on me too in

> response to one of my nada's antics (he's quite a dishrag), I can block him

> as well if need be without having to change my real number and having to

> notify everyone else in my life who have nothing to do with it like

> friends,

> people at work, dentist, etc. Superuseful.

>

> This may sound a little sad, wouldn't it be nice to be able to rely on

> family for things, but not when it puts my safety and sanity in danger.

> Hell

> no. I don't have a kid yet and I know many of you have reevaluated and

> modified your behavior with your nadas when you've suddenly become

> responsible for someone else in the world, but the fact is you should be

> willing to do it for yourself whether or not there is a kid. You deserve

> it.

> You deserve to be safe and protected. And if you don't think you yourself

> are worth it, think of the little kid inside, maybe it is not an actual

> kid,

> but that kid deserves protecting nonetheless. If you wouldn't subject a

> little being to such bad treatment of brutal rage, narcissism, emotional

> abuse, and guilt trips, why would you subject yourself?

>

> > I second that: I don't ask my Mom for ANYTHING. She always uses it

> against

> > me - which is why I am such an independent person now, can do everything

> for

> > myself and family - I guess there is a good thing to this BPD experience,

> at

> > least we turn out independent!

> >

> > N

> >

> > > You are exactly right, depending on them for anything is putting me at

> a

> > disadvantage and making it more difficult to set limits. They disguise

> > control as 'helping'. I am determined to do what is right for me! Thank

> > goodness this support group exists! I have gained to much insight just

> > reading you guy's posts.

> > >

> > > Amy

> > >

> > > > just to start, make it your goal to free yourself of needing to

> depend

> > on them for ANYTHING. They will ALWAYS use your dependance on them as a

> > weapon against you. I have to get off here, cause it is late, but IMHO,

> this

> > needs to be your priority.

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I cannot believe there are others like me....I have always been so

> > > > > embarrased of my mother and how she acts...afraid to have friends

> b/c

> > > > > she is just going to ruin it somehow so why bother? She is one of

> the

> > > > > most cruel people I know. I have been on the roller-coaster of my

> > Mom's

> > > > > BPD for ages...I just didn't know what the heck was going on...I

> just

> > > > > knew she acted nuts sometimes and treated me like no mother should.

> > My

> > > > > Dad worked all of the time and acted like he didn't believe me, but

> > he

> > > > > had to of known what was going on b/c he avoided her like the

> plague.

> > > > > Now that he is retired he is as passive as the day is long. He

> agrees

> > > > > with everything she says...

> > > > > I am now an adult and have a child of my own. Even though I am an

> > > > > adult, they both still treat me like a child. My Dad knows what

> they

> > > > > are doing is pushing me away, but he would rather go along with her

> > and

> > > > > not have to deal with her rages. It's easier for him. I end up

> being

> > > > > the bad guy for not going along with what my mother wants.

> > > > > The problem is that they do help out with my child...and use that

> as

> > > > > collateral against me...GRRR! They are threatened by anything that

> > > > > might not involve them and give me utter hell over it. I usually

> just

> > > > > get pissed off, angry and avoid contact for a few days...then they

> > are

> > > > > nice etc. The roller coaster begins all over again. I had a friend

> > > > > over last weekend to hang out and catch up. My mother cried all day

> > b/c

> > > > > I wasn't having dinner with them. If I do want to do things outside

> > of

> > > > > her, she has a complete stroke and acts like I am doing something

> > wrong

> > > > > and proceedes to have one of her rages. I am not evan able to enjoy

> > my

> > > > > time out b/c she will call my cell, yell, and make a nervous wreck.

> I

> > > > > really want to know what has worked with everyone in setting

> > boundaries

> > > > > so that you can regain some control and not completly sever ties.

> > > > > I must regain some control in my life.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks for listening.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

July 11, 2011

I've tried ignoring my dad's calls...and setting his ringtone to silent.

Eventually when I do speak to him, he wants to know where I was, why I didn

t answer, yada yada yada. My favorite is, " what if there was an emergency? "

I don't know why I didn't think of this answer sooner, but from now on....

If there's an emergency, the number is 911! "

-- Re: Re: I cannot believe there are others like

me....I have always been so embarrased of