Wedding DRAMA

[Guest guest]

Just a recap: I am NC with nada, but have stayed in touch with her family as she

has completely isolated herself since my break. Nada's dad (grandfada) is also

BPD. Nada's sister may or may not be BPD, but at least suffers serious mirrors

of the disease, including depression and extreme denial about the state of the

family. Nada was a white-hot raging witch, grandfada is a sniveling victim of

circumstance, my aunt bounces between depression, rage, and ecstatic denial.

Please don't judge me on my descriptions, I tried to be objective.

Anyway nada's sister agreed to let me have my wedding in her backyard and was

really excited about the whole thing. She couldn't wait, yada yada yada, let's

plan plan plan and get it done done done! She got pretty manic about the whole

thing. So we're planning and getting things in order and we are about ready to

send out the invites and then, the dreaded question, " Can I see the guest list? "

Uh sure you can...

Another recap: my parents never married and there has been bad blood between the

families (rather, burning hatred from nada's side toward my dad's side) for

about 20 years. My dad is not a saint, but he's been atoning. It's my wedding

and he's not involved in the planning, but I think he deserves to be invited.

So, it's my own fault, but I didn't mention it to her. I thought if only 3

people from his family and the other 70 people were approved by her, she would

hardly notice them squeaked in. Wrong. First, she didn't talk to me for a

week. Then she had her fiance call to talk about how expensive it was going to

be to have a wedding at home (makes no sense) and that we were going to need

extra insurance, and 70 people seemed like too much, and can't I uninvite some

people... and guess what, we actually found another place for you to rent out

and then you can have as many people as you want!

They actually rationalized that it will be cheaper to rent a hall than to have

it at her house. The reason she offered to hold it was to save me money! HA.

What a joke! I know she doesn't want my dad at her house and she is willing to

derail my wedding in order to do that. Now I am scrambling to find a venue for

my wedding in April and trying to put my wedding back together while she

casually asks questions about the wedding. She has removed herself from wedding

planning as far as I'm concerned. I haven't answered any questions about the

wedding since she pulled out. Yes, I am visiting for a post holiday party, but I

don't know how I'm going to avoid wedding talk. I didn't call or send cards on

xmas this year and it felt great. My family is ruthless.

So any tips on steering the direction away from wedding talk? Also, I'm

considering not sending invites out to nada's family until just a few weeks

before the wedding. This may be slightly childish, but in reality, I think it

will keep their involvement to a minimum. Any wedding advice would be great.

[Guest guest]

sounds like you already figured it out. I agree with the late invite sending.

sounds like it could get really annoying otherwise.that is plenty of warning. if

there is a person who lives far away though taht may be a factor. I was really

annoying when NADA tried to pry all the juicy details out of me. I did not even

answer. I think a more humane version is like they recommend in SWOE just say " I

don't want to talk about that " and be done. you don't need to explain, the

explanations always fall flat anyway.

your aunt has no say. seriously. My husbands dad is a jerk. we still invited

him. he is not all jerk,and it was the right thing to do even if it made others

uncomfortable. and we were lucky enough to catch him in a good mood, so he

behaved himself. so did Nada (sort-of)

Meikjn

>

> Just a recap: I am NC with nada, but have stayed in touch with her family as

she has completely isolated herself since my break. Nada's dad (grandfada) is

also BPD. Nada's sister may or may not be BPD, but at least suffers serious

mirrors of the disease, including depression and extreme denial about the state

of the family. Nada was a white-hot raging witch, grandfada is a sniveling

victim of circumstance, my aunt bounces between depression, rage, and ecstatic

denial. Please don't judge me on my descriptions, I tried to be objective.

>

> Anyway nada's sister agreed to let me have my wedding in her backyard and was

really excited about the whole thing. She couldn't wait, yada yada yada, let's

plan plan plan and get it done done done! She got pretty manic about the whole

thing. So we're planning and getting things in order and we are about ready to

send out the invites and then, the dreaded question, " Can I see the guest list? "

Uh sure you can...

>

> Another recap: my parents never married and there has been bad blood between

the families (rather, burning hatred from nada's side toward my dad's side) for

about 20 years. My dad is not a saint, but he's been atoning. It's my wedding

and he's not involved in the planning, but I think he deserves to be invited.

>

> So, it's my own fault, but I didn't mention it to her. I thought if only 3

people from his family and the other 70 people were approved by her, she would

hardly notice them squeaked in. Wrong. First, she didn't talk to me for a

week. Then she had her fiance call to talk about how expensive it was going to

be to have a wedding at home (makes no sense) and that we were going to need

extra insurance, and 70 people seemed like too much, and can't I uninvite some

people... and guess what, we actually found another place for you to rent out

and then you can have as many people as you want!

>

> They actually rationalized that it will be cheaper to rent a hall than to have

it at her house. The reason she offered to hold it was to save me money! HA.

What a joke! I know she doesn't want my dad at her house and she is willing to

derail my wedding in order to do that. Now I am scrambling to find a venue for

my wedding in April and trying to put my wedding back together while she

casually asks questions about the wedding. She has removed herself from wedding

planning as far as I'm concerned. I haven't answered any questions about the

wedding since she pulled out. Yes, I am visiting for a post holiday party, but I

don't know how I'm going to avoid wedding talk. I didn't call or send cards on

xmas this year and it felt great. My family is ruthless.

>

> So any tips on steering the direction away from wedding talk? Also, I'm

considering not sending invites out to nada's family until just a few weeks

before the wedding. This may be slightly childish, but in reality, I think it

will keep their involvement to a minimum. Any wedding advice would be great.

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, I know all about wedding drama. I had it in spades at the time.

There are stories. Many stories. It was so awful my sister didn't have a

wedding, but got married with a single witness.

Nada's perspective: " How dare I invite my father and his family to my wedding.

He was my abuser. Now you are abusing me by inviting them........ " Blah, blah,

blah.

I'll spare you the details and crystallize the lessons learned. Make this about

you and your fiance! Focus on the MEANING of it, not the details. If you have

a crazy foo, those who show up will act crazy. Weddings, like other social

gatherings in crazy foos, are like petri dishes are to bacteria, they multiply

the craziness.

Minimize your involvement with the craziness (sounds like you are trying to do

this already). Think in terms of how YOU WANT to be able to remember it, and

conduct yourself accordingly. Remember that you cannot control what they do,

only what you do. Stay connected with your partner through this, after all,

this about your union, and this is practice in a way for how you will handle foo

difficulties to follow.

A wedding is intended to be a meaningful ritual in which the two of you publicly

express your love and commitment to each other while being witnessed by the

community of people who care about you. Period.

Hope this helps.

HC

>

> Just a recap: I am NC with nada, but have stayed in touch with her family as

she has completely isolated herself since my break. Nada's dad (grandfada) is

also BPD. Nada's sister may or may not be BPD, but at least suffers serious

mirrors of the disease, including depression and extreme denial about the state

of the family. Nada was a white-hot raging witch, grandfada is a sniveling

victim of circumstance, my aunt bounces between depression, rage, and ecstatic

denial. Please don't judge me on my descriptions, I tried to be objective.

>

> Anyway nada's sister agreed to let me have my wedding in her backyard and was

really excited about the whole thing. She couldn't wait, yada yada yada, let's

plan plan plan and get it done done done! She got pretty manic about the whole

thing. So we're planning and getting things in order and we are about ready to

send out the invites and then, the dreaded question, " Can I see the guest list? "

Uh sure you can...

>

> Another recap: my parents never married and there has been bad blood between

the families (rather, burning hatred from nada's side toward my dad's side) for

about 20 years. My dad is not a saint, but he's been atoning. It's my wedding

and he's not involved in the planning, but I think he deserves to be invited.

>

> So, it's my own fault, but I didn't mention it to her. I thought if only 3

people from his family and the other 70 people were approved by her, she would

hardly notice them squeaked in. Wrong. First, she didn't talk to me for a

week. Then she had her fiance call to talk about how expensive it was going to

be to have a wedding at home (makes no sense) and that we were going to need

extra insurance, and 70 people seemed like too much, and can't I uninvite some

people... and guess what, we actually found another place for you to rent out

and then you can have as many people as you want!

>

> They actually rationalized that it will be cheaper to rent a hall than to have

it at her house. The reason she offered to hold it was to save me money! HA.

What a joke! I know she doesn't want my dad at her house and she is willing to

derail my wedding in order to do that. Now I am scrambling to find a venue for

my wedding in April and trying to put my wedding back together while she

casually asks questions about the wedding. She has removed herself from wedding

planning as far as I'm concerned. I haven't answered any questions about the

wedding since she pulled out. Yes, I am visiting for a post holiday party, but I

don't know how I'm going to avoid wedding talk. I didn't call or send cards on

xmas this year and it felt great. My family is ruthless.

>

> So any tips on steering the direction away from wedding talk? Also, I'm

considering not sending invites out to nada's family until just a few weeks

before the wedding. This may be slightly childish, but in reality, I think it

will keep their involvement to a minimum. Any wedding advice would be great.

>

[Guest guest]

no matter how much money you might save, NEVER count on a BP for anything. My

nada is currently making a payment for me due to the extra financial stress

stemming from my husbands passing. I could manage to squeak out that payment,

but I'll let her do it as long as I can. AS soon as she starts trying to attach

strings to that payment, trying to pull on those strings, thinking she'll get me

to do something against my boutndaries she will find out nothing has changed.

As far as weddings, I can't give you much advice there. I dreaded the idea of a

wedding so much that I eloped. I was living in Europe at the time, so not only

was it not financially possible, but it was pricey even to call so there were no

guilt trips. Nada tried to get me to have a ceremony after we got back home and

I finally just said no.

C

>

> Just a recap: I am NC with nada, but have stayed in touch with her family as

she has completely isolated herself since my break. Nada's dad (grandfada) is

also BPD. Nada's sister may or may not be BPD, but at least suffers serious

mirrors of the disease, including depression and extreme denial about the state

of the family. Nada was a white-hot raging witch, grandfada is a sniveling

victim of circumstance, my aunt bounces between depression, rage, and ecstatic

denial. Please don't judge me on my descriptions, I tried to be objective.

>

> Anyway nada's sister agreed to let me have my wedding in her backyard and was

really excited about the whole thing. She couldn't wait, yada yada yada, let's

plan plan plan and get it done done done! She got pretty manic about the whole

thing. So we're planning and getting things in order and we are about ready to

send out the invites and then, the dreaded question, " Can I see the guest list? "

Uh sure you can...

>

> Another recap: my parents never married and there has been bad blood between

the families (rather, burning hatred from nada's side toward my dad's side) for

about 20 years. My dad is not a saint, but he's been atoning. It's my wedding

and he's not involved in the planning, but I think he deserves to be invited.

>

> So, it's my own fault, but I didn't mention it to her. I thought if only 3

people from his family and the other 70 people were approved by her, she would

hardly notice them squeaked in. Wrong. First, she didn't talk to me for a

week. Then she had her fiance call to talk about how expensive it was going to

be to have a wedding at home (makes no sense) and that we were going to need

extra insurance, and 70 people seemed like too much, and can't I uninvite some

people... and guess what, we actually found another place for you to rent out

and then you can have as many people as you want!

>

> They actually rationalized that it will be cheaper to rent a hall than to have

it at her house. The reason she offered to hold it was to save me money! HA.

What a joke! I know she doesn't want my dad at her house and she is willing to

derail my wedding in order to do that. Now I am scrambling to find a venue for

my wedding in April and trying to put my wedding back together while she

casually asks questions about the wedding. She has removed herself from wedding

planning as far as I'm concerned. I haven't answered any questions about the

wedding since she pulled out. Yes, I am visiting for a post holiday party, but I

don't know how I'm going to avoid wedding talk. I didn't call or send cards on

xmas this year and it felt great. My family is ruthless.

>

> So any tips on steering the direction away from wedding talk? Also, I'm

considering not sending invites out to nada's family until just a few weeks

before

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Welcome! It's not you it's her. Please don't try to please your mother.

Just please yourself and your fiance. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am admittedly

> nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while.

> Fortunately, I was always on her " good side " because I was everything she

> needed me to be whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got

> engaged. My parents never had a good marriage but are still together. She

> has a number of complaints about the marriage including how they never had

> a big wedding, she never got a diamond ring, they never had a honeymoon,

> etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly out to the west coast for our

> engagement which was great but as soon as she saw my ring, it started a

> downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was complaints about me

> having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing with everything

> i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj; I wanted

> it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their brother

> could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way and

> pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since the

> wedding was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed her to

> do a lot anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she pulled

> out of the wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of trying

> to resolve the issue and clearly letting her know that we would have to

> make our own plans if she was not interested in being involved, my fiance

> and I decided to have a small wedding on our coast and whoever could come

> could come. This was the only way we could think of to be able to plan the

> wedding. My mom was first accepting of it but then started going back and

> forth- sometimes saying it was good for us to do what we wanted and other

> times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to come. She even took us to

> get the save the dates over the holidays but then insisted she never agreed

> to these plans later on. When she was upset about it, there are no words to

> describe the cruelty of text messages I have gotten...being disowned, cut

> off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is very calmly refusing to

> come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her family will not come

> either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't know what to do.

> I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out here and

> redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a thing. Now I

> am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

> (including several flights from our bridal party) to change it. Nothing is

> working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream. My

> fiance has been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am even

> having trouble keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder if I

> am " the bad guy " here. If anyone can relate or has been through something

> similar, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so

> heartbroken about all of this. Thanks for listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

been there so sorry. It's YOUR wedding day, do it the way you want and enjoy

it. If parts of the family don't come it'll probably be that much more enjoyable

for you. My ex and I planned our wedding in a week because my mom also freaked

about the ring (in this case, she didnt get to see it before he proposed). It

was the most fun and unfortunatley having a bpd mother took its toll in the end

on the relationship but if you're on the other side of the country you should be

ok. Do it your way!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, February 13, 2012 11:27 PM

Subject: Re: wedding drama

Hi,

Welcome! It's not you it's her. Please don't try to please your mother.

Just please yourself and your fiance. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am admittedly

> nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while.

> Fortunately, I was always on her " good side " because I was everything she

> needed me to be whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got

> engaged. My parents never had a good marriage but are still together. She

> has a number of complaints about the marriage including how they never had

> a big wedding, she never got a diamond ring, they never had a honeymoon,

> etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly out to the west coast for our

> engagement which was great but as soon as she saw my ring, it started a

> downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was complaints about me

> having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing with everything

> i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj; I wanted

> it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their brother

> could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way and

> pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since the

> wedding was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed her to

> do a lot anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she pulled

> out of the wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of trying

> to resolve the issue and clearly letting her know that we would have to

> make our own plans if she was not interested in being involved, my fiance

> and I decided to have a small wedding on our coast and whoever could come

> could come. This was the only way we could think of to be able to plan the

> wedding. My mom was first accepting of it but then started going back and

> forth- sometimes saying it was good for us to do what we wanted and other

> times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to come. She even took us to

> get the save the dates over the holidays but then insisted she never agreed

> to these plans later on. When she was upset about it, there are no words to

> describe the cruelty of text messages I have gotten...being disowned, cut

> off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is very calmly refusing to

> come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her family will not come

> either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't know what to do.

> I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out here and

> redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a thing. Now I

> am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

> (including several flights from our bridal party) to change it. Nothing is

> working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream. My

> fiance has been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am even

> having trouble keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder if I

> am " the bad guy " here. If anyone can relate or has been through something

> similar, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so

> heartbroken about all of this. Thanks for listening.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there all,

This sounds all so familiar and it's such a tragedy to have to even worry about

nada blowing up on your special day, BUT you have to face facts.

My nada tried to take over our wedding plans and in the end I told her to forget

it. We ended up organizing a small ceremony in 4 weeks with only 14 guests

present. None of my in-laws came as they were out of country, which actually

diffused a lot of potential insults. However, nada and my dad bought my dress so

it gave her a way to focus on " how lucky I was to look so beautiful thanks to

her " . I just ignored her as in the scheme of things it was minor compared to how

she has behaved in past gatherings.

I think its important to realize that this is the beginning of your marriage and

getting to grips with her now by establishing boundaries to protect your

relationship. My hubby and I are only now just understanding BPD after 16 years

of her awful behavior. We have been through a lot with her but always say we

mustt have something special to not have turned on each other; especially when

nada splits us!!! She completely tore my sisters marriage apart after 10 years.

To this day both her and her ex live in regret!

Forget trying to approach her about her illness, you're right, she will be in

denial mode and it may increase her raging. If it were me I would talk to my

hubby about the ground rules for nada in your lives and then implement a

boundary strategy! It's tough and my hubby and I compare it to " wearing ice

skates up Mount Everest " but for us it was the only way to protect our

relationship and OUR CHILDREN! What til nada becomes a Grandma then it really

goes into 6th gear if not managed.

Good luck to you on your big day! But I strongly suggest start building

boundaries now before she poisons your marriage and gets her hands on any future

grandchildren!!

Take care and one day at a time

Mel x

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am admittedly

> > nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while.

> > Fortunately, I was always on her " good side " because I was everything she

> > needed me to be whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got

> > engaged. My parents never had a good marriage but are still together. She

> > has a number of complaints about the marriage including how they never had

> > a big wedding, she never got a diamond ring, they never had a honeymoon,

> > etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly out to the west coast for our

> > engagement which was great but as soon as she saw my ring, it started a

> > downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was complaints about me

> > having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing with everything

> > i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj; I wanted

> > it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their brother

> > could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way and

> > pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since the

> > wedding was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed her to

> > do a lot anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she pulled

> > out of the wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of trying

> > to resolve the issue and clearly letting her know that we would have to

> > make our own plans if she was not interested in being involved, my fiance

> > and I decided to have a small wedding on our coast and whoever could come

> > could come. This was the only way we could think of to be able to plan the

> > wedding. My mom was first accepting of it but then started going back and

> > forth- sometimes saying it was good for us to do what we wanted and other

> > times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to come. She even took us to

> > get the save the dates over the holidays but then insisted she never agreed

> > to these plans later on. When she was upset about it, there are no words to

> > describe the cruelty of text messages I have gotten...being disowned, cut

> > off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is very calmly refusing to

> > come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her family will not come

> > either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't know what to do.

> > I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out here and

> > redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a thing. Now I

> > am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

> > (including several flights from our bridal party) to change it. Nothing is

> > working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream. My

> > fiance has been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am even

> > having trouble keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder if I

> > am " the bad guy " here. If anyone can relate or has been through something

> > similar, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so

> > heartbroken about all of this. Thanks for listening.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

I read a book that has totally transformed my way of thinking " Surviving the

Borderline Parent; how to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build trust, Boundaries,

and Self-Esteem " by K. Roth & F. Friedman. It's been great for setting

boundaries and shielding myself from nada's rage and understanding her behavior.

I also got this post from Annie on here that I return to often for strength.

Annie wrote:

Boundary-setting is not easy, but its better than the alternative of remaining

the equivalent of an abused child into adulthood.

Boundary-setting means standing up to someone who we've been trained to fear or

to defer to and obey, or risk unleashing their wrath, but as adults we now have

both the right and the power to set reasonable, normal boundaries for ourselves.

One of the hard parts about setting real boundaries is overcoming the fear of

" setting them off " , giving them a reason to light into us and vilify us,

possibly having evil rumors spread about us, etc. Its like trying to swim up a

waterfall to overcome a lifetime of conditioning to respect and obey and defer

to one's parent, but, its possible.

Another hard part is getting past the feelings of guilt, as in " FOG " : or

Fear-Obligation-Guilt that the adult children of pd parents are usually saddled

with.

It can help to understand and accept that any guilt feelings you might be

experiencing for setting boundaries are both misplaced and inappropriate. There

is nothing morally or ethically wrong with protecting yourself from a harmful

person. There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with giving consequences for

bad behavior, such as limiting contact, not staying as a guest in the home of an

abusive person, cutting the visit or phone call short when the person becomes

abusive toward you, etc.

You did not make your mother mentally ill, and you can't cure her. You don't

have that power. Catering to your mother to avoid her abuse or accepting her

abuse actually makes her worse; when you silently accept verbal or other abuse

from your mother, you are showing her that bullying works on you. You are

rewarding her bad behavior.

Your mother is the only one who has the power to choose to change her own

behaviors and to seek therapy in order to help herself do so. No amount of

indulging and catering by you will improve her negative, hostile behaviors.

Nothing you can possibly say or do can cure her of having a personality

disorder. Your only power is the power to control your own decisions and

behaviors: you can walk away from an abuser.

Now, on the other hand, if your mother is being abusive towards helpless people:

if she is verbally, emotionally, physically or otherwise cruel and abusive to

children, to an elderly relative, to an ill, dependent, or emotionally disabled

relative (etc.) then, in my opinion something needs to be done about that,

somehow. That's a different situation in my opinion. Minor children and other

powerless dependents are unable to protect themselves from an abusive adult

care-giver and need to be rescued.

But you as a self-actualized, responsible adult have the power to protect

yourself by setting and enforcing personal boundaries, or by going No Contact

(either temporarily or permanently.)

Taking up and wielding your adult power in an assertive but concerned and

ethical way is very...

adult!

-Annie

I am so thankful for this support and encourage you in your journey. I just take

it one day at a time.

Glad to hear that the weddings is still on!

Best wishes

Mel x

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am

admittedly

> > > > nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while.

> > > > Fortunately, I was always on her " good side " because I was everything

she

> > > > needed me to be whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got

> > > > engaged. My parents never had a good marriage but are still together.

She

> > > > has a number of complaints about the marriage including how they never

had

> > > > a big wedding, she never got a diamond ring, they never had a honeymoon,

> > > > etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly out to the west coast for

our

> > > > engagement which was great but as soon as she saw my ring, it started a

> > > > downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was complaints about me

> > > > having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing with

everything

> > > > i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj; I

wanted

> > > > it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their

brother

> > > > could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way and

> > > > pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since the

> > > > wedding was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed her

to

> > > > do a lot anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she

pulled

> > > > out of the wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of

trying

> > > > to resolve the issue and clearly letting her know that we would have to

> > > > make our own plans if she was not interested in being involved, my

fiance

> > > > and I decided to have a small wedding on our coast and whoever could

come

> > > > could come. This was the only way we could think of to be able to plan

the

> > > > wedding. My mom was first accepting of it but then started going back

and

> > > > forth- sometimes saying it was good for us to do what we wanted and

other

> > > > times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to come. She even took us

to

> > > > get the save the dates over the holidays but then insisted she never

agreed

> > > > to these plans later on. When she was upset about it, there are no words

to

> > > > describe the cruelty of text messages I have gotten...being disowned,

cut

> > > > off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is very calmly refusing to

> > > > come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her family will not

come

> > > > either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't know what to

do.

> > > > I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out here and

> > > > redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a thing.

Now I

> > > > am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

> > > > (including several flights from our bridal party) to change it. Nothing

is

> > > > working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream. My

> > > > fiance has been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am

even

> > > > having trouble keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder if

I

> > > > am " the bad guy " here. If anyone can relate or has been through

something

> > > > similar, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so

> > > > heartbroken about all of this. Thanks for listening.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi

Hope you found the book online. Any problems let me know.

Keep posting and reading.

Good luck

Mel x

> > > > >

> > > > > > **

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am

admittedly

> > > > > > nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while.

> > > > > > Fortunately, I was always on her " good side " because I was

everything she

> > > > > > needed me to be whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got

> > > > > > engaged. My parents never had a good marriage but are still

together. She

> > > > > > has a number of complaints about the marriage including how they

never had

> > > > > > a big wedding, she never got a diamond ring, they never had a

honeymoon,

> > > > > > etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly out to the west coast

for our

> > > > > > engagement which was great but as soon as she saw my ring, it

started a

> > > > > > downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was complaints about

me

> > > > > > having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing with

everything

> > > > > > i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj; I

wanted

> > > > > > it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their

brother

> > > > > > could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way

and

> > > > > > pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since

the

> > > > > > wedding was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed

her to

> > > > > > do a lot anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she

pulled

> > > > > > out of the wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of

trying

> > > > > > to resolve the issue and clearly letting her know that we would have

to

> > > > > > make our own plans if she was not interested in being involved, my

fiance

> > > > > > and I decided to have a small wedding on our coast and whoever could

come

> > > > > > could come. This was the only way we could think of to be able to

plan the

> > > > > > wedding. My mom was first accepting of it but then started going

back and

> > > > > > forth- sometimes saying it was good for us to do what we wanted and

other

> > > > > > times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to come. She even

took us to

> > > > > > get the save the dates over the holidays but then insisted she never

agreed

> > > > > > to these plans later on. When she was upset about it, there are no

words to

> > > > > > describe the cruelty of text messages I have gotten...being

disowned, cut

> > > > > > off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is very calmly refusing

to

> > > > > > come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her family will

not come

> > > > > > either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't know what

to do.

> > > > > > I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out here

and

> > > > > > redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a

thing. Now I

> > > > > > am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

> > > > > > (including several flights from our bridal party) to change it.

Nothing is

> > > > > > working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream.

My

> > > > > > fiance has been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am

even

> > > > > > having trouble keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder

if I

> > > > > > am " the bad guy " here. If anyone can relate or has been through

something

> > > > > > similar, I would really appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so

> > > > > > heartbroken about all of this. Thanks for listening.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

Your story is probably one reason why I have never married, because I can see

the same problems happening to us. I feel for you.

>

> Hi Group. This is my first time posting on the website and I am admittedly

nervous. I have a mother with BPD and have known for quite a while. Fortunately,

I was always on her " good side " because I was everything she needed me to be

whenever she needed it. That is until the day I got engaged. My parents never

had a good marriage but are still together. She has a number of complaints about

the marriage including how they never had a big wedding, she never got a diamond

ring, they never had a honeymoon, etc. My fiance arranged for my parents to fly

out to the west coast for our engagement which was great but as soon as she saw

my ring, it started a downward spiral that hasn't stopped. First it was

complaints about me having a ring when she didn't. Then it was her disagreeing

with everything i wanted for the wedding (e.g., she refused to let me have a dj;

I wanted it by the water, she wanted it close to home so everyone and their

brother could come). I probably wrongfully decided to let her have her way and

pretty much gave her my wedding to plan. It was easy enough since the wedding

was to be on the east coast and I am on the west so I needed her to do a lot

anyway. Well, the second I upset her about something, she pulled out of the

wedding, refusing to plan or even attend. After months of trying to resolve the

issue and clearly letting her know that we would have to make our own plans if

she was not interested in being involved, my fiance and I decided to have a

small wedding on our coast and whoever could come could come. This was the only

way we could think of to be able to plan the wedding. My mom was first accepting

of it but then started going back and forth- sometimes saying it was good for us

to do what we wanted and other times calling us selfish and mean and refusing to

come. She even took us to get the save the dates over the holidays but then

insisted she never agreed to these plans later on. When she was upset about it,

there are no words to describe the cruelty of text messages I have

gotten...being disowned, cut off financially, called names, etc. Now, she is

very calmly refusing to come to the wedding and is insisting that most of her

family will not come either. I am so devistated by this whole process and don't

know what to do. I have tried everything from offering to cancel the wedding out

here and redo it back east to insisting that I wasn't going to change a thing.

Now I am trying to explain to her that there is too much set up already

(including several flights from our bridal party) to change it. Nothing is

working and the wedding has become a nightmare instead of a dream. My fiance has

been great but even he is tired of the ups and down. I am even having trouble

keeping the truth straight and am beginning to wonder if I am " the bad guy "

here. If anyone can relate or has been through something similar, I would really

appreciate hearing from you. I am feeling so heartbroken about all of this.

Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! I felt like I was reading my own story when I read yours. I got engaged

in November and the relationship with my BPD mom has been very rocky since then.

She rejected him, interrogated him, told me we were going to get divorced, set

up a trust fund that he cant access, and tried to tell me when and where I can

have the wedding. My fiance and I were distraught and couldn't decide whether

we should respect her wishes to delay the wedding or just go for it. In the

end, we went for it and will be getting married in May. In some ways I'm glad

it's been rough--the conflict is forcing us to talk about a lot of things we've

been pushing under the rug for years, and it's helped me realized what control

she had over me. I am learning to break away as I become my own family unit with

my fiance. I've limited my communication with her to email and text, which

really helps. At first I felt guilty, but I realized she's going to react the

same to me whether I meet her every demand or not. So now I just respond to the

ones that I feel like I can handle at the time. It's been healthy for me to do

this. And my mom is more on board now.

Still, I'm terrified about the wedding and that she will behave badly to my

future in-laws, or she won't have the reaction I so badly want from

her--acceptance and love on her daughter's wedding day.

As far as wedding planning help, have you checked out apracticalwedding.com?

She has a lot of tips for keeping weddings simple, down to earth, and dealing

with family conflict. HANDS DOWN best wedding advice I've encountered so far,

especially in light of all this conflict. I hope the best for you!