Just learning about BPD

[Guest guest]

I have been reading posts all day and have finally decided to share my

experiences to see how I need to proceed. My nada has always been in my life

the last six years she moved to another country. This has helped me to cope

with my life more effectively. She was not a terrible nada its just that she

has this way of everything and how it effects her. She has hurt me and my

sister for years now with comments and constant meddling in our business, but

her relationship with my children always seemed very good to me.

Lately, she is getting worse and worse with her poor pitiful me stories and

excuses. She claims she is always broke yet me and my siblings have sent her

over 2k dollars the last few months. In addition, she receives social security

checks and has friends that help her also. We as a family have no means to

constantly keep sending her money as she does not handle her finances well and

has never handled them well her whole life.

I do not want this post to be about money because its not about money its about

our family. This week my nada is here in my city for her divorce hearing from

my stepfather. Before she left her home she gave my sisters and my email

addresses to one of her friends I have never met and he sent us these horrible

emails as to how we have treated our nada according to him (coming from nada).

My response was to immediately call my nada and ask her why she would give her

childrens email addresses to someone we have never met. They were mostly

directed towards my sister. The reason was my sister is the one that is quite

wealthy and could help her. The emails backfired big time. I and my whole

family were very upset with the emails. I demanded that my nada apologize for

doing this as I feel it is a major trust violation. I as a mother would never

give out my children email addresses so that a friend could barrage them with

nasty comments.

My nada will not apologize and feels her doing this is acceptable. I told her

she needs to think about it and find a way to apologize. She insists that this

is what she wanted to happen. When she would not apologize I sent the man I

have never met an email. I never used harsh language or cussed. I spoke from

my heart. Wow, if I could post the email I received back from my nada about the

email that I responded to a man I never met that she gave the email addresses to

it would make a sailor blush. She insisted that I never respond to her friend

again (funny she created the whole scenario) and sent a million responses and

said I was crazy. This whole situation could have been prevented if she could

have said two simple words to me " Im sorry " or Im sorry for hurting you. She

could not do it. I asked many times.

Everything comes back to POOR ME scenario with my nada. I thought about this

for a long time. If ever my children believe I have done something they do not

agree with and want me to apologize for it I would do so even if I had to lie to

make my kids happy. My nada could not do that for me and wrote horrible things

about me and my feelings.

In a way some of the non effective parenting my mom gave me has helped me be a

better mother to my children. I have tried countless options to help her that

do not require a lot of money but everything we do that is not what she wants or

expects is wrong. We have suggested roommates, selling her car, finding a

cheaper home... Unless she decides to make the changes we can not help.

Now I have decided to no longer speak to her and just write her off. But this

option makes me feel like a bad person, even though continually being involved

with her makes me nuts. How can you not speak to your nada and feel like a good

person. I do care about her and do not want her to suffer but being close to

her only hurts me..

What do you do?

[Guest guest]

Hi Good luck with this. Does allowing this woman exploit you help you feel

like a good person? Why would protecting yourself from abuse make you feel

like a bad person? In your place I'd cut her off and I'd really examine

what " being a good person " is. We've been conditioned to serve people who

exploit us. It makes me guilty to say no. This is conditioning and it can

be examined and changed for the most part.

On Thu, Jan 5, 2012 at 5:55 PM, ginger.snyder@... <

ginger.snyder@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I have been reading posts all day and have finally decided to share my

> experiences to see how I need to proceed. My nada has always been in my

> life the last six years she moved to another country. This has helped me to

> cope with my life more effectively. She was not a terrible nada its just

> that she has this way of everything and how it effects her. She has hurt me

> and my sister for years now with comments and constant meddling in our

> business, but her relationship with my children always seemed very good to

> me.

>

> Lately, she is getting worse and worse with her poor pitiful me stories

> and excuses. She claims she is always broke yet me and my siblings have

> sent her over 2k dollars the last few months. In addition, she receives

> social security checks and has friends that help her also. We as a family

> have no means to constantly keep sending her money as she does not handle

> her finances well and has never handled them well her whole life.

>

> I do not want this post to be about money because its not about money its

> about our family. This week my nada is here in my city for her divorce

> hearing from my stepfather. Before she left her home she gave my sisters

> and my email addresses to one of her friends I have never met and he sent

> us these horrible emails as to how we have treated our nada according to

> him (coming from nada). My response was to immediately call my nada and ask

> her why she would give her childrens email addresses to someone we have

> never met. They were mostly directed towards my sister. The reason was my

> sister is the one that is quite wealthy and could help her. The emails

> backfired big time. I and my whole family were very upset with the emails.

> I demanded that my nada apologize for doing this as I feel it is a major

> trust violation. I as a mother would never give out my children email

> addresses so that a friend could barrage them with nasty comments.

>

> My nada will not apologize and feels her doing this is acceptable. I told

> her she needs to think about it and find a way to apologize. She insists

> that this is what she wanted to happen. When she would not apologize I sent

> the man I have never met an email. I never used harsh language or cussed. I

> spoke from my heart. Wow, if I could post the email I received back from my

> nada about the email that I responded to a man I never met that she gave

> the email addresses to it would make a sailor blush. She insisted that I

> never respond to her friend again (funny she created the whole scenario)

> and sent a million responses and said I was crazy. This whole situation

> could have been prevented if she could have said two simple words to me " Im

> sorry " or Im sorry for hurting you. She could not do it. I asked many

> times.

>

> Everything comes back to POOR ME scenario with my nada. I thought about

> this for a long time. If ever my children believe I have done something

> they do not agree with and want me to apologize for it I would do so even

> if I had to lie to make my kids happy. My nada could not do that for me and

> wrote horrible things about me and my feelings.

>

> In a way some of the non effective parenting my mom gave me has helped me

> be a better mother to my children. I have tried countless options to help

> her that do not require a lot of money but everything we do that is not

> what she wants or expects is wrong. We have suggested roommates, selling

> her car, finding a cheaper home... Unless she decides to make the changes

> we can not help.

>

> Now I have decided to no longer speak to her and just write her off. But

> this option makes me feel like a bad person, even though continually being

> involved with her makes me nuts. How can you not speak to your nada and

> feel like a good person. I do care about her and do not want her to suffer

> but being close to her only hurts me..

>

> What do you do?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi and Welcome,

I don't think you have written her off, I see it that she has run you off. She

has behaved with disrespect toward you and your siblings and brought upon

herself alienating her kids. The old sayings that " what goes around comes

around " , " make your bed and lie in it " , " live by the sword, die by the sword "

" reap what you sow " , etc. are in our culture for this very reason. When

disrespect and lack of boundries and agression rule someones actions toward you,

the only reasonable thing to do is not interact with them. It helps if you ask

yourself, " Would I put up with this from a friend? " and the answer will always

be no. Just because someone is realted to us, even our parent, doesn't give them

the right to disrespect us and violate our boundries.

Good Luck.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I have been reading posts all day and have finally decided to share my

> > experiences to see how I need to proceed. My nada has always been in my

> > life the last six years she moved to another country. This has helped me to

> > cope with my life more effectively. She was not a terrible nada its just

> > that she has this way of everything and how it effects her. She has hurt me

> > and my sister for years now with comments and constant meddling in our

> > business, but her relationship with my children always seemed very good to

> > me.

> >

> > Lately, she is getting worse and worse with her poor pitiful me stories

> > and excuses. She claims she is always broke yet me and my siblings have

> > sent her over 2k dollars the last few months. In addition, she receives

> > social security checks and has friends that help her also. We as a family

> > have no means to constantly keep sending her money as she does not handle

> > her finances well and has never handled them well her whole life.

> >

> > I do not want this post to be about money because its not about money its

> > about our family. This week my nada is here in my city for her divorce

> > hearing from my stepfather. Before she left her home she gave my sisters

> > and my email addresses to one of her friends I have never met and he sent

> > us these horrible emails as to how we have treated our nada according to

> > him (coming from nada). My response was to immediately call my nada and ask

> > her why she would give her childrens email addresses to someone we have

> > never met. They were mostly directed towards my sister. The reason was my

> > sister is the one that is quite wealthy and could help her. The emails

> > backfired big time. I and my whole family were very upset with the emails.

> > I demanded that my nada apologize for doing this as I feel it is a major

> > trust violation. I as a mother would never give out my children email

> > addresses so that a friend could barrage them with nasty comments.

> >

> > My nada will not apologize and feels her doing this is acceptable. I told

> > her she needs to think about it and find a way to apologize. She insists

> > that this is what she wanted to happen. When she would not apologize I sent

> > the man I have never met an email. I never used harsh language or cussed. I

> > spoke from my heart. Wow, if I could post the email I received back from my

> > nada about the email that I responded to a man I never met that she gave

> > the email addresses to it would make a sailor blush. She insisted that I

> > never respond to her friend again (funny she created the whole scenario)

> > and sent a million responses and said I was crazy. This whole situation

> > could have been prevented if she could have said two simple words to me " Im

> > sorry " or Im sorry for hurting you. She could not do it. I asked many

> > times.

> >

> > Everything comes back to POOR ME scenario with my nada. I thought about

> > this for a long time. If ever my children believe I have done something

> > they do not agree with and want me to apologize for it I would do so even

> > if I had to lie to make my kids happy. My nada could not do that for me and

> > wrote horrible things about me and my feelings.

> >

> > In a way some of the non effective parenting my mom gave me has helped me

> > be a better mother to my children. I have tried countless options to help

> > her that do not require a lot of money but everything we do that is not

> > what she wants or expects is wrong. We have suggested roommates, selling

> > her car, finding a cheaper home... Unless she decides to make the changes

> > we can not help.

> >

> > Now I have decided to no longer speak to her and just write her off. But

> > this option makes me feel like a bad person, even though continually being

> > involved with her makes me nuts. How can you not speak to your nada and

> > feel like a good person. I do care about her and do not want her to suffer

> > but being close to her only hurts me..

> >

> > What do you do?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the responses it seems to be helping two days now my nada is in

town and I have not seen or heard from her. I fight with myself to tell her

goodbye but the last words of the last emailed I received from my nada were

never contact her friend again and never bother her again. I am trying so hard

to abide by her words. Its just that Im a mother and would be devasted if my

children wouldnt speak to me. Thats my struggle and your taking the time to

read and send advise means alot to me thank you.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > I have been reading posts all day and have finally decided to share my

> > > experiences to see how I need to proceed. My nada has always been in my

> > > life the last six years she moved to another country. This has helped me

to

> > > cope with my life more effectively. She was not a terrible nada its just

> > > that she has this way of everything and how it effects her. She has hurt

me

> > > and my sister for years now with comments and constant meddling in our

> > > business, but her relationship with my children always seemed very good to

> > > me.

> > >

> > > Lately, she is getting worse and worse with her poor pitiful me stories

> > > and excuses. She claims she is always broke yet me and my siblings have

> > > sent her over 2k dollars the last few months. In addition, she receives

> > > social security checks and has friends that help her also. We as a family

> > > have no means to constantly keep sending her money as she does not handle

> > > her finances well and has never handled them well her whole life.

> > >

> > > I do not want this post to be about money because its not about money its

> > > about our family. This week my nada is here in my city for her divorce

> > > hearing from my stepfather. Before she left her home she gave my sisters

> > > and my email addresses to one of her friends I have never met and he sent

> > > us these horrible emails as to how we have treated our nada according to

> > > him (coming from nada). My response was to immediately call my nada and

ask

> > > her why she would give her childrens email addresses to someone we have

> > > never met. They were mostly directed towards my sister. The reason was my

> > > sister is the one that is quite wealthy and could help her. The emails

> > > backfired big time. I and my whole family were very upset with the emails.

> > > I demanded that my nada apologize for doing this as I feel it is a major

> > > trust violation. I as a mother would never give out my children email

> > > addresses so that a friend could barrage them with nasty comments.

> > >

> > > My nada will not apologize and feels her doing this is acceptable. I told

> > > her she needs to think about it and find a way to apologize. She insists

> > > that this is what she wanted to happen. When she would not apologize I

sent

> > > the man I have never met an email. I never used harsh language or cussed.

I

> > > spoke from my heart. Wow, if I could post the email I received back from

my

> > > nada about the email that I responded to a man I never met that she gave

> > > the email addresses to it would make a sailor blush. She insisted that I

> > > never respond to her friend again (funny she created the whole scenario)

> > > and sent a million responses and said I was crazy. This whole situation

> > > could have been prevented if she could have said two simple words to me

" Im

> > > sorry " or Im sorry for hurting you. She could not do it. I asked many

> > > times.

> > >

> > > Everything comes back to POOR ME scenario with my nada. I thought about

> > > this for a long time. If ever my children believe I have done something

> > > they do not agree with and want me to apologize for it I would do so even

> > > if I had to lie to make my kids happy. My nada could not do that for me

and

> > > wrote horrible things about me and my feelings.

> > >

> > > In a way some of the non effective parenting my mom gave me has helped me

> > > be a better mother to my children. I have tried countless options to help

> > > her that do not require a lot of money but everything we do that is not

> > > what she wants or expects is wrong. We have suggested roommates, selling

> > > her car, finding a cheaper home... Unless she decides to make the changes

> > > we can not help.

> > >

> > > Now I have decided to no longer speak to her and just write her off. But

> > > this option makes me feel like a bad person, even though continually being

> > > involved with her makes me nuts. How can you not speak to your nada and

> > > feel like a good person. I do care about her and do not want her to suffer

> > > but being close to her only hurts me..

> > >

> > > What do you do?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >