Guest guest Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 My husband is in the last year working toward a PHD. he will be doing a post-doc after that because that is how you get a job in his field. we don't know when he will graduate. 6-12 mos. is a good guess. it will be at least 4-6 mos. before he has any post-doc offers. then we will spend months deciding on where to go. he will not likely graduate on a semester. he is not in classes. the time line, and plans have never changed in the last 7 years... I am not sure what is confusing about all of that. but to Nada it is incomprehensible. this summer nada visited some extended family I have a cousin (8 years older) who works at the job (in a rather un-related field) she thinks my husband should have. I guess it embarassed her that he is making lots of money and my husband isn't. (pure speculation) ever since nada has been really annoying. she calls every week. it started with " why isn't DH looking for a job yet? isn't he supposed to graduate this year? " " you know he really ought to look into a job in industry. your cousin J has a job in industry, they make a lot of money " to which i would reply with re-stating our long made (and well known) plans. after this went on for a month I finally got annoyed and (as kindly as humanly possible) told her flat out that the plan has never changed. and that the decision is already made. then it became " has DH applied for a post doc yet? " " are you planning to move close to home? " " where are you applying? " once I was gone when she called, and bugged Dh with the same garbage. he told her some places he had mild interest in all of which she criticized with things like " that is a very expensive place to live " etc... he has not applied anywhere yet, but of course I SHOULD TEll her where he is thinking of going, and where I want to go (5 seconds from her of course) and when he will graduate (we still don't know that mom) after a while this has morphed to " when is graduation? we would love to come to the ceremony " so I have explained to her over and over that he will probably not go to any graduation ceremony.he will probably not graduate at the right time anyway we ahve better things to do. honestly the only thing he will do is defend his dissertation which will be BORING and I am not even going to that. I love him but he is too smart for me. Nada would be bored to tears, and still pretend to enjoy it. so now it is (every WEEK arghhhh!!!!!!!) " we are trying to make our plans for the year when is DH graduating so we can come visit? " I tell her every week that we still dont know anything, and if she is patient I will tell her all she needs to know as soon as there is something to tell. not good enough for NADA. the last few times I have spent with her have been rather misreable for me. she says and does rude inconciderate things blissfully ignorant of how agrivating they are. then acts like nothing is wrong and makes comments like " it is so wonderful to have such a good relationship with all my girls " this summer she was absolutly horrible to me, then the next day she was back to normal wondering how I could possibly be upset at someone who has never done anything wrong. she even went as far as to say that she thinks it is a shame that I can't come back to my hometown without re-living the past. are you kidding me? the impending doom I am referring to is this summers visit. she will stay in our living room, she will wine about me not having the right food, she will nag she will be bossy. and she will say for DAYS. there is never anything to do when she is here. she doesn't like anything I like. I have told some people at church about her trying to deal with it, so the thought of them meeting her makes me feel guilty. she will judge the way I do things. My poor Dad will get bored and spend the whole time fidgeting and going for walks like a caged animal. he copes by spending time fixing and building things, and DH does not like him to do that here because then Nada says crap about how no husband but hers fixes things and pitys me to everyone who will listen. and we don't have many tools anyway. dh and my dad can do things but I am mostly trapped because of the kids. then she will thank me and tell me it was such a " nice visit " and she wants me to tell her when to come NEVER!!!!!!! unfourtaunantly they will come. I just wish she would leave me alone. I could bear a visit I think if she quit calling all the time. I know. just stop answering the phone. Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 i think it is fear. I feel like Desmond on " lost " he has to push a button at a certain time every day or there is a cataclysmic event. by answering that phone I am keeping the real beast in her cage. it is hard to stop for a little comfort when I will unleash painful consequences. this sucks. Meikjn > > My husband is in the last year working toward a PHD. he will be doing a post-doc after that because that is how you get a job in his field. we don't know when he will graduate. 6-12 mos. is a good guess. it will be at least 4-6 mos. before he has any post-doc offers. then we will spend months deciding on where to go. > > he will not likely graduate on a semester. he is not in classes. > > > the time line, and plans have never changed in the last 7 years... > > > I am not sure what is confusing about all of that. > > > but to Nada it is incomprehensible. > > this summer nada visited some extended family I have a cousin (8 years older) who works at the job (in a rather un-related field) she thinks my husband should have. I guess it embarassed her that he is making lots of money and my husband isn't. (pure speculation) > > ever since nada has been really annoying. > > > she calls every week. > > it started with " why isn't DH looking for a job yet? isn't he supposed to graduate this year? " " you know he really ought to look into a job in industry. your cousin J has a job in industry, they make a lot of money " > > to which i would reply with re-stating our long made (and well known) plans. > > after this went on for a month I finally got annoyed and (as kindly as humanly possible) told her flat out that the plan has never changed. and that the decision is already made. > > then it became " has DH applied for a post doc yet? " " are you planning to move close to home? " " where are you applying? " once I was gone when she called, and bugged Dh with the same garbage. he told her some places he had mild interest in all of which she criticized with things like " that is a very expensive place to live " etc... > > he has not applied anywhere yet, but of course I SHOULD TEll her where he is thinking of going, and where I want to go (5 seconds from her of course) and when he will graduate (we still don't know that mom) > > > after a while this has morphed to " when is graduation? we would love to come to the ceremony " so I have explained to her over and over that he will probably not go to any graduation ceremony.he will probably not graduate at the right time anyway we ahve better things to do. > > honestly the only thing he will do is defend his dissertation which will be BORING and I am not even going to that. I love him but he is too smart for me. Nada would be bored to tears, and still pretend to enjoy it. > > so now it is (every WEEK arghhhh!!!!!!!) " we are trying to make our plans for the year when is DH graduating so we can come visit? " > > I tell her every week that we still dont know anything, and if she is patient I will tell her all she needs to know as soon as there is something to tell. > > not good enough for NADA. > > the last few times I have spent with her have been rather misreable for me. she says and does rude inconciderate things blissfully ignorant of how agrivating they are. then acts like nothing is wrong and makes comments like " it is so wonderful to have such a good relationship with all my girls " this summer she was absolutly horrible to me, then the next day she was back to normal wondering how I could possibly be upset at someone who has never done anything wrong. she even went as far as to say that she thinks it is a shame that I can't come back to my hometown without re-living the past. > > are you kidding me? > > the impending doom I am referring to is this summers visit. she will stay in our living room, she will wine about me not having the right food, she will nag she will be bossy. and she will say for DAYS. there is never anything to do when she is here. she doesn't like anything I like. I have told some people at church about her trying to deal with it, so the thought of them meeting her makes me feel guilty. she will judge the way I do things. My poor Dad will get bored and spend the whole time fidgeting and going for walks like a caged animal. he copes by spending time fixing and building things, and DH does not like him to do that here because then Nada says crap about how no husband but hers fixes things and pitys me to everyone who will listen. and we don't have many tools anyway. > > dh and my dad can do things but I am mostly trapped because of the kids. > > then she will thank me and tell me it was such a " nice visit " > > and she wants me to tell her when to come > > NEVER!!!!!!! > > unfourtaunantly they will come. I just wish she would leave me alone. I could bear a visit I think if she quit calling all the time. > > I know. just stop answering the phone. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 A second post...in response to you this time. About your nada trying to micromanage/invade your husband's path. You might benefit from looking up the Medium Chill stuff on here. The goal is to be as non-reactive and as BORING as possible to her. So come up with a standard boring unrevealing answer that you repeat every single time she asks about what your husband is doing. (that includes the broken record technique) In time this might get her away from her fixation and if not at least you won't have to put new thought & energy into how to respond to her each time. Think of it as putting a protective privacy shell around that part of your life. Hope that helps! Eliza > > > > My husband is in the last year working toward a PHD. he will be doing a post-doc after that because that is how you get a job in his field. we don't know when he will graduate. 6-12 mos. is a good guess. it will be at least 4-6 mos. before he has any post-doc offers. then we will spend months deciding on where to go. > > > > he will not likely graduate on a semester. he is not in classes. > > > > > > the time line, and plans have never changed in the last 7 years... > > > > > > I am not sure what is confusing about all of that. > > > > > > but to Nada it is incomprehensible. > > > > this summer nada visited some extended family I have a cousin (8 years older) who works at the job (in a rather un-related field) she thinks my husband should have. I guess it embarassed her that he is making lots of money and my husband isn't. (pure speculation) > > > > ever since nada has been really annoying. > > > > > > she calls every week. > > > > it started with " why isn't DH looking for a job yet? isn't he supposed to graduate this year? " " you know he really ought to look into a job in industry. your cousin J has a job in industry, they make a lot of money " > > > > to which i would reply with re-stating our long made (and well known) plans. > > > > after this went on for a month I finally got annoyed and (as kindly as humanly possible) told her flat out that the plan has never changed. and that the decision is already made. > > > > then it became " has DH applied for a post doc yet? " " are you planning to move close to home? " " where are you applying? " once I was gone when she called, and bugged Dh with the same garbage. he told her some places he had mild interest in all of which she criticized with things like " that is a very expensive place to live " etc... > > > > he has not applied anywhere yet, but of course I SHOULD TEll her where he is thinking of going, and where I want to go (5 seconds from her of course) and when he will graduate (we still don't know that mom) > > > > > > after a while this has morphed to " when is graduation? we would love to come to the ceremony " so I have explained to her over and over that he will probably not go to any graduation ceremony.he will probably not graduate at the right time anyway we ahve better things to do. > > > > honestly the only thing he will do is defend his dissertation which will be BORING and I am not even going to that. I love him but he is too smart for me. Nada would be bored to tears, and still pretend to enjoy it. > > > > so now it is (every WEEK arghhhh!!!!!!!) " we are trying to make our plans for the year when is DH graduating so we can come visit? " > > > > I tell her every week that we still dont know anything, and if she is patient I will tell her all she needs to know as soon as there is something to tell. > > > > not good enough for NADA. > > > > the last few times I have spent with her have been rather misreable for me. she says and does rude inconciderate things blissfully ignorant of how agrivating they are. then acts like nothing is wrong and makes comments like " it is so wonderful to have such a good relationship with all my girls " this summer she was absolutly horrible to me, then the next day she was back to normal wondering how I could possibly be upset at someone who has never done anything wrong. she even went as far as to say that she thinks it is a shame that I can't come back to my hometown without re-living the past. > > > > are you kidding me? > > > > the impending doom I am referring to is this summers visit. she will stay in our living room, she will wine about me not having the right food, she will nag she will be bossy. and she will say for DAYS. there is never anything to do when she is here. she doesn't like anything I like. I have told some people at church about her trying to deal with it, so the thought of them meeting her makes me feel guilty. she will judge the way I do things. My poor Dad will get bored and spend the whole time fidgeting and going for walks like a caged animal. he copes by spending time fixing and building things, and DH does not like him to do that here because then Nada says crap about how no husband but hers fixes things and pitys me to everyone who will listen. and we don't have many tools anyway. > > > > dh and my dad can do things but I am mostly trapped because of the kids. > > > > then she will thank me and tell me it was such a " nice visit " > > > > and she wants me to tell her when to come > > > > NEVER!!!!!!! > > > > unfourtaunantly they will come. I just wish she would leave me alone. I could bear a visit I think if she quit calling all the time. > > > > I know. just stop answering the phone. > > > > Meikjn > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 my relationship with Nada is really complex. it has been quite the puzzle to figure it out. Nada for her sanity I suppose claims to have perfect children/marriage/family/relationships. so I am split black, but she wants her rosy relationship with me. so she broke me up into 2 people. the one who she loves, and " supports " and she suppresses the part of me she does not like, and punishes me for independence,feelings, having physical ailments etc. unfortunately neither exist, so I am forced to pretend unless I want to be berated. the real me (the one with feelings) is bad. however the " bad me " she created is a person who has no handle on her feelings, is " over-reactive " and is too emotional to be trusted. and as helpless as a child. so that is how she treats me whenever I have feelings/ or does anything she dislikes (like when I decided to go at my own pace at a museum this summer, she just about had a heart attack) so I guess the bad me is a whiny 4 year old in her eyes. as long as I am cheerful, nonreactive, and have no interests but hers, and talk only about absolutely happy things she loves me. which is the me she wants to talk to every week. it is hard to keep up with but better than rebelion (i.e. being myself) sometimes. like I said pushing the button. Meikjn > > > > > > i think it is fear. > > > > I feel like Desmond on " lost " he has to push a button at a certain time every day or there is a cataclysmic event. > > > > by answering that phone I am keeping the real beast in her cage. it is hard to stop for a little comfort when I will unleash painful consequences. > > > > this sucks. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 oh my God, what a nightmare. I feel so bad for you. What a harpy!! (forgive me for saying so!) she sounds like my mother a few years back, after meeting someone more successful than my husband, then grilling me constantly about his job, where we lived, etc. It's miserable. You sound just like me, esp when my father was alive. My mother would call CONSTANTLY. Saying no was not worth the effort of the fight and ensuing battle with my father over how I hurt my mother (which I see now was his way of saying, " you're making life miserable for me!! " ) nothing is good enough for a nada. Nothing. Even if your husband got a dream job, etc., it still wouldn't measure up. It's very sad for nadas that they can't enjoy what they have. You describe it so well, that caged animal feeling. My poor dad was like that with my mother. Now that he's gone, I see the misery he lived with her. It sounds like either you'll need to offend her and push her away by being brutally honest and setting up boundaries re: what you will tolerate her saying about your husband and your life OR you can just put up with her and her visit. I've done both. I did the former when I knew I was ready for it and had the energy to deal with her rage. It's not easy. I wish you the best. Meantime, we're here for you. > > My husband is in the last year working toward a PHD. he will be doing a post-doc after that because that is how you get a job in his field. we don't know when he will graduate. 6-12 mos. is a good guess. it will be at least 4-6 mos. before he has any post-doc offers. then we will spend months deciding on where to go. > > he will not likely graduate on a semester. he is not in classes. > > > the time line, and plans have never changed in the last 7 years... > > > I am not sure what is confusing about all of that. > > > but to Nada it is incomprehensible. > > this summer nada visited some extended family I have a cousin (8 years older) who works at the job (in a rather un-related field) she thinks my husband should have. I guess it embarassed her that he is making lots of money and my husband isn't. (pure speculation) > > ever since nada has been really annoying. > > > she calls every week. > > it started with " why isn't DH looking for a job yet? isn't he supposed to graduate this year? " " you know he really ought to look into a job in industry. your cousin J has a job in industry, they make a lot of money " > > to which i would reply with re-stating our long made (and well known) plans. > > after this went on for a month I finally got annoyed and (as kindly as humanly possible) told her flat out that the plan has never changed. and that the decision is already made. > > then it became " has DH applied for a post doc yet? " " are you planning to move close to home? " " where are you applying? " once I was gone when she called, and bugged Dh with the same garbage. he told her some places he had mild interest in all of which she criticized with things like " that is a very expensive place to live " etc... > > he has not applied anywhere yet, but of course I SHOULD TEll her where he is thinking of going, and where I want to go (5 seconds from her of course) and when he will graduate (we still don't know that mom) > > > after a while this has morphed to " when is graduation? we would love to come to the ceremony " so I have explained to her over and over that he will probably not go to any graduation ceremony.he will probably not graduate at the right time anyway we ahve better things to do. > > honestly the only thing he will do is defend his dissertation which will be BORING and I am not even going to that. I love him but he is too smart for me. Nada would be bored to tears, and still pretend to enjoy it. > > so now it is (every WEEK arghhhh!!!!!!!) " we are trying to make our plans for the year when is DH graduating so we can come visit? " > > I tell her every week that we still dont know anything, and if she is patient I will tell her all she needs to know as soon as there is something to tell. > > not good enough for NADA. > > the last few times I have spent with her have been rather misreable for me. she says and does rude inconciderate things blissfully ignorant of how agrivating they are. then acts like nothing is wrong and makes comments like " it is so wonderful to have such a good relationship with all my girls " this summer she was absolutly horrible to me, then the next day she was back to normal wondering how I could possibly be upset at someone who has never done anything wrong. she even went as far as to say that she thinks it is a shame that I can't come back to my hometown without re-living the past. > > are you kidding me? > > the impending doom I am referring to is this summers visit. she will stay in our living room, she will wine about me not having the right food, she will nag she will be bossy. and she will say for DAYS. there is never anything to do when she is here. she doesn't like anything I like. I have told some people at church about her trying to deal with it, so the thought of them meeting her makes me feel guilty. she will judge the way I do things. My poor Dad will get bored and spend the whole time fidgeting and going for walks like a caged animal. he copes by spending time fixing and building things, and DH does not like him to do that here because then Nada says crap about how no husband but hers fixes things and pitys me to everyone who will listen. and we don't have many tools anyway. > > dh and my dad can do things but I am mostly trapped because of the kids. > > then she will thank me and tell me it was such a " nice visit " > > and she wants me to tell her when to come > > NEVER!!!!!!! > > unfourtaunantly they will come. I just wish she would leave me alone. I could bear a visit I think if she quit calling all the time. > > I know. just stop answering the phone. > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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