The reason normal people will never understands KOs

January 7, 2012

This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

AFB

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

January 7, 2012

Thanks for this AFB it sure shines a light on how it is. This part:

" The study author tells Wired, " the results suggest that mom's voice — its tones

and intonations and rhythms, known formally as prosodics — trigger soothing

effects, rather than what she specifically says. " "

is so bitter for me. Those things they list the tones, intonations and

rhythms....are what RAISE tension in me. My nada doesn't even have to say or

do anything hurtful, I associate the sound of her voice with so many sad and

painful things. Looks like people with normal mothers get the opposite effect.

I know there's little productive value in feeling cheated, but I do anyway...

Eliza

>

> This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> AFB

>

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

>

January 7, 2012

It's interesting--someone said in the comments that the study was actually

on girls, ages 7-12, and they weeded out any who had adverse family

dynamics or history of abuse--so it was a very limited, flawed study.

Still, it does highlight the society's expectations that mothers are

nurturing, soothing, loving. It's very difficult to explain that no, not

all mothers are good. Many are craptastic, and many are actually downright

dangerous like the nadas we talk about on here.

Same goes for fathers and fadas, in my case. Some people just don't

understand, but I've been fortunate to find some friends (and a few family

members!) who do understand (or at least pretend to.) Sooo fortunate for my

husband and his family.

Thank you for sharing--I shared it on Facebook with my thoughts.

On Sat, Jan 7, 2012 at 3:29 PM, eliza92@... <

eliza92@...> wrote:

> **

>

> Thanks for this AFB it sure shines a light on how it is. This part:

>

> " The study author tells Wired, " the results suggest that mom's voice — its

> tones and intonations and rhythms, known formally as prosodics — trigger

> soothing effects, rather than what she specifically says. " "

>

> is so bitter for me. Those things they list the tones, intonations and

> rhythms....are what RAISE tension in me. My nada doesn't even have to say

> or do anything hurtful, I associate the sound of her voice with so many sad

> and painful things. Looks like people with normal mothers get the opposite

> effect. I know there's little productive value in feeling cheated, but I do

> anyway...

>

> Eliza

>

> >

> > This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to

> Mom, their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of

> an average KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> > AFB

> >

>

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

> >

>

January 7, 2012

Eliza,

Even the Carpenters lead singer, who SINGS like a Mom, or that talk show host

Delilah, who TALKS like a Mom...those things are PTSD triggers for me. I hear

you.

--Charlotte

> >

> > This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> > AFB

> >

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

> >

>

January 7, 2012

Wow!

Interesting article.

It makes sense in a healthy family, and I think that is what the article is

trying to say. I think the article was also trying to point out that texting

and IMing are almost like no contact at all, whereas hearing a voice is more

like actual contact.

But it's true, a phone call from my mother, and it takes me weeks to recover!

It's really sad and it truly pains me that it is like this.

>

> This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> AFB

>

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

>

January 9, 2012

I find that both hilarious and distressing.

Also, i say again, it is so good to have found other people who believe me when

I say how physically sick I can get after talking to my mother on the phone.

>

> This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> AFB

>

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

>

January 9, 2012

Yep, there is a reason I prefer to stick to e-mail messages!

Letty

> >

> > This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to Mom,

their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of an average

KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> > AFB

> >

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

> >

>

January 13, 2012

haha (and I don't mean funny haha), this is sooo true and why I can't even

talk to people in my own family about my situation with a bpd mother. They

don't get it, how someone could be that hurtful and abusive and

manipulative to their own kid. i don't even attempt to talk to other people

about my situation anymore because I know they won't get it. Unless they

are on this listhost or have experienced something like it themselves, I

can kiss the chance goodbye of them ever understanding or being capable of

having compassion about it, however well-intentioned they may be. And it

sucks because I would kill to have someone, just one person, who isn't a

paid professional in my life who understands and sympathizes and could

provide actual support, stand up for me, just someone on my side,

listening, and giving a crap about how awful this is. There isn't anyone in

my life like that and it's awfully lonely. What I would give to have some

support and to be able to move forward in my life.

I don't mean to make the situations seem the same, but I actually identify

a lot with the gay teens nationwide who've been suffering bullying and

some, suicide, because I think there are a lot of parallels with KO's; it

may not be their sexuality that is being attacked, but it is their being,

being attacked for who they are, criticized for being themselves because

they cannot live up to the expectations of a crazy person who puts their

shit onto an innocent being. I've internalized way more than my fair share

of guilt and pain. I've been ostracized by family and friends, people who I

loved and thought loved me, been told how awful a daughter I am for not

wanting to have contact with my mother, for not wanting to see her and

offer her support while she was drunk and about to enter detox for the

second time. Little did they know that my not wanting to see her was not

out of lack of love but out of fear, that exposing myself to her alone

would just put me in the path of verbal abuse and berating and guilting for

not being there for her and giving her enough support. No one even noticed

that I was the one being abused and needed support so badly. Even she with

her drinking took that away from me. I can't even have contact with my

mother because the ptsd it would cause would prevent me from functioning.

So articles like these are awesome, especially when they don't even use a

full sample group. Wow, they proved hearing a friendly voice is soothing.

How about now proving the converse, that an abusive and critical one is

enough to cause panic attacks, ptsd, and all sorts of permanent damage. Why

don't they do that?

> **

>

> Yep, there is a reason I prefer to stick to e-mail messages!

>

> Letty

>

> > >

> > > This article prints scientific data: when " normal " people call home to

> Mom, their stress levels are lowered. Compare this to the stress level of

> an average KO after a call home to BPD/NPD Mom. WHOA!!!!

> > > AFB

> > >

>

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/post/the-case-for-calling-mom-in-\

one-chart/2012/01/06/gIQAv0c1eP_blog.html?fb_ref=NetworkNews

> > >

> >

>

January 13, 2012

littlepurplesticker

cause it would cause further trauma and they would get sued. We already know how

we suffer. My co-workers from the last clinic I worked at dreaded when I would

be heading back to visit my folks. One of the receptionist even said something

about it to me. She noticed just how stressed out I would get and how easily I

would get upset in the weeks before a visit and how I would get sick when I

would get back. One time my TMJ swelled up so bad that I couldn't open my mouth

enough to even fit a finger between my teeth.

I saw more of my family physician back home during the two summers in a row that

I came home for half of the summer than I saw of my doctor out here where I

live. Sinus infections, laryngitis even pink eye one time. That's in addition to

headaches and general aches and pains.

January 14, 2012

I understand your situation completely. I also have a bpd mother and a family

who is less than supportive towards my situation. It was only just recently that

my family and I had a tense and somewhat heated discussion concerning mum. I had

changed my phone number so my mum wouldn't continuously batter me with

critisising and hate texts. She could play all " You have abandoned me, is there

any way I can get you to come back " in one text, then turn and give me " You

don't love me! you are just out to hurt me on purpose! " in the very next text.

I've been put in a situation where it is no longer safe for me to live at home

with mum and I had to move out on my own. The feeling of lonliness was

absolutely crippling. Sometimes I would just lay in bed and do nothing for days,

dreaming some fantasy that I had the perfect family where I felt loved and

welcomed.

My family did help me move out and provide emergency accomodation, which I

greatly appreciated, but they seem they don't want to get close to me. Its

probably got something to do with the limited contact I had with the rest of the

family when I was a kid. Right from the start, mum taught me to fear and hate my

relatives because they were " evil " and out to get me and out to get her too. It

was because of this delusional fantasy that I wasn't allowed any contact with

the rest of the family. About the only relative I saw frequently enough was my

older half-sister, but even that was limited to mum's terms. So because I was

trapped in mum's twisted thinking, I could not form bonds with the rest of the

family. But now I am free, I just want to be part of the family so much. I want

to be a part of their lives. Its something I have dreamed about for so long, to

be part of the family. But its always awkward to be around them, and they seem

cautious of me,

sometimes even avoiding me.

Anyway, back to the phone number saga. After I changed my number, I am contacted

by my aunts saying that mum is trying to reach me and they ask me what they

should say to her. My aunts are in their fifties and they're asking someone who

is 30 years their junior to figure out what to say to their bpd sister. Come on!

Even they don't have the courage to stand up to her, even though they have had

much more experience with my mum's behaviour in the past. So begins the game of

" hot potato " between my aunts and me. I don't want to deal with her, and they

don't want to deal with her. But in my point of view, I think it was time that

my relatives took up the slack. When I was being abused for 18 years by mum,

they went about their own lives as if nothing was wrong. They tell me they had

no idea of what was going on with mum because she had cut off all contact. But

they have practiacally grown up with her manipulative and damaging behaviour! So

they should

damn well know what is going on and what I've been put through. Anyhow, my

aunties convinced me that it would be best for mum's sake that I give her my new

phone number. They tell me that mum is giving them the " I'm so lonely, I have

been abandoned, no one loves me, " crap. By giving her my number it just invites

the vicious cycle to be revived again. I'm just giving in to what she wants in

her twisted thinking. But what about what I want? What about my needs and wants?

I tried telling my aunties about my concerns and they came back to me with " She

is still your mother " . Correction, she is my mother who suffers from bpd! Its

just so frustrating! It seems like I can never win! Its possible that my

relatives grew up in a society where mental illness was taboo or was swept under

the carpet so to speak. They all have varying opinions about mum's mental

illness. But they just don't want to be involved with the whole saga. They tell

me that " its between me and

mum " and that I have to face mum alone in this battle. I hardly see that as

fair.

The only person who I have on my side is my half-sister. Her and I have gone

through such similar experiences with mum, that our stories basically follow the

script of a dramatic play. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself if I am

to move on with my life. But it is just so hard when I have grown up believing

such negetivity about my family and myself. I have come to the realisation that

I have adopted some of mum's negative behaviour, especially black and white

thinking. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that mum has bpd. I

just don't know what to do next. Hopefully I can work something out with my

half-sister. I know this may be long winded, but I know just how you are

feeling. I am still struggling with the confusion, lonliness and negative

feelings about myself that never seems to end. How I wish I could have friends

who understood me, when I couldn't even tell my friends at school what was going

on. In the end mum forced me

to dissociate from all my friends after I graduated from high school, keeping

me trapped as ever in her world. Talk to people who you feel comfortable talking

with and who do support you. Those people who just critizise you more will only

make you feel worse. But you will always have the like minded people here in

this group who will understand and support you.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, 14 January 2012 2:04 PM

Subject: Re: Re: The reason " normal " people will never

understands KOs