Letters to NADA: Vol. 3

[Guest guest]

Dear mom,

Today, me and my inlaws drove over to visit my husbands grandfather. We didn't

get to see him over Christmas because he has been ill...recovering from bladder

cancer. Today the whole family drove over to see him and spend time. We took him

out to dinner and opened presents from each other.

A lot of times, when I am at family gatherings with my in laws, I feel like an

outsider looking in. Not because they make me feel that way, because they've

always treated me like their own. But I feel like a bit of an outsider because I

look around, and this family is laughing with each other, joking with each

other, and having good conversation with each other. The children feel safe

enough to laugh, and joke, and be themselves.

I guess this makes me feel like an outsider because that is never how our family

gatherings were. As a child, I was expected to be quiet (children are seen and

not heard). Adults would talk in low voices, usually to talk badly about other

people/family members that were not there. The first time I spent time with my

inlaws and saw how they treated each other with love, and enjoyed and respected

each other, that was a lightbulb moment for me.

Today I found out that my little sister moved away from the town we live in to

be with you (8 hours away). I am ashamed to say that I found out by checking out

her facebook page, even though I'm blocked from most of it. I was able to see

the town she lives in, and it recently changed to the town you live in.

My heart sank when I realized the news. The first thing that went through my

head was that I would probably never hear from my sister again. " Oh great, she

is in nadas clutches for sure now, she will be brainwashed to hate me even

further and there will be zero chance for us to ever have a relationship " . And

those first thoughts are probably correct.

However, there is a small chance that the opposite will happen. But I won't hold

my breath.

Mom, you have robbed me of a father for most of my life, and you have robbed me

of a real mother and the experiences that come with having a real mother. But

you've also robbed me of my one and only sibling. My sister whom I love so much.

Who is a treasure in my life...like gold or diamonds. I think of her smile

everyday, all the time. Of what a magnificent person she is. Or at least....WAS.

I haven't really heard from her in about a year and a half. She could be

completely different now, due to your influence.

I don't really blame you for all of this, though. My sister is a grown woman,

and has her own mind, her own soul. She is just choosing not to follow her own

mind. I'm sure there will be consequences from you if she does decide to do that

one day, however.

I am not religious. I don't believe in church (at least not for me). But I do

pray to God, to a creator of some sort. Today, on our ride to see my husbands

grandfather, the sun was setting in such a beautiful way, and I prayed so

hard....prayed that my sister will somehow come back to me.

I also believe that it " takes two to tango " . If there is trouble in a

relationship, I believe that both parties need to put forth effort to make

things better. I've tried so much...not just with my sister, but with you. But

when does it end? I feel guilt because I've stopped attempting communication

(the last time was about 2 or 3 months ago) with my sister. I'm tired of being

slapped in the face. I haven't stopped my attempts due to pride, or being

stubborn. I've stopped because my attempts have not changed anything. I think

it's only made things worse. That is why I've stopped. I have to remind myself

of this everyday..to justify my lack of action. I know that if you were really

reading this, you wouldn't understand.

I know that I'm being accused of being cold, mean, and unbelievably cruel by not

begging forgiveness and trying to get back in to the good graces of our

dysfunctional family. But I just cannot mentally or physically handle the

effects that it has on me to try and be involved with you.

For now, I am thankful for my husband, and my wonderful in laws. I also have

others in my life that I truly consider to be " family " . They may not understand

completely what I have gone through with my FOO.....but they don't need to know

everything to love me. And that is fine with me.

I love you..the parts of you that are not addled with any kind of mental

illness...the parts of you that are just wonderful. I miss that. But at least I

can remember it and recognize it now.

I hope that with my sister down there with you, that you will have good times

together. I know there will be hard times between you, but I hope you can dwell

on the good times more than anything, and that life's journey is taking you to a

good place.

I love you both.

Sara Jo

> >

> > Dear Nada,

> > I drove up last night to visit my father and his family. During my drive

yesterday I thought a lot about what you would have to say about me visiting my

dad. I imagined you saying things like " I can't believe you are choosing your

dad over me when I did EVERYTHING for you " and " you are trash just like they

are " . These thoughts made me want to justify myself in my mind. Thinking things

like " I'm not choosing my dad over you, you are choosing not to have a

relationship with me because you won't accept it " , and " I know my dad made a lot

of mistakes, you did, too, but I love you both and want you both in my life " .

> > I saw my grandmother today, and she made me a scrap book for Christmas. It

had pictures of me and my little sister when we were very little. It had

pictures of you and me when I was little. You smiled in the pictures. You face

was really smiling, but your eyes....your eyes weren't really smiling. But

still, your face was so young. Your smile reflected a different person. Before

life really got to you. You were still the same person, but you were calmer. You

were more " ok " then. My guess is it's because your children were young and

dependent on you. I remember even at a young age living my life for you. But I

also remember loving my dad. I remember wanting to spend every moment with him.

Was this a special bond between father and daughter? Or was this my way of

staying out of your way as much as possible? I don't know. Perhaps it was both.

And then he was ripped from my life so quickly. Both of you (my mom and dad)

were responsible for me growing up without a dad in my life. I know and

understand that, although I know you will proclaim complete innocence for

ANYTHING in my life that wasn't ideal. You were never able to take ownership for

anything.

> > I know we are all responsible for owning up to our own actions. Which is why

dealing with this whole family situation is so difficult. I kept second guessing

my own self. What could I have done different to make things better? Nothing.

I've tried every form of communication. I've tried to be a good listener. I've

tried to understand and put myself in your shoes. I'm not one to place blame on

people, because I truly believe it takes 2 to tango.

> > I'm here in the town I was born in. The town you used to live in. Driving on

the roads that I know you remember so well. Wondering what your thoughts used to

be when you would look at me when I was a child. How could you look at my face

and then act the way you did? I will never know. I was an innocent. I believe I

still am. I'm here in the town I was born in. Looking at these pictures,

wondering how you felt then. Looking at the past, trying to draw a line from

then to now.

> > My heart and my eyes both cry for you. Mourn for you. I still love you. I

always will. I guess that is my own misfortune.

> >

> > Sara Jo

> >

>