They never change, ever......so when will I get it?

July 9, 2011

When I first found this forum, I eagerly read the messages and absorbed all the

information. Then it began to depress me, so I stopped reading to avoid the pain

of the similarities. I came back on for some new insight after a very upsetting

weekend. My NADA lives far away most of the year and I only have to deal with

her madness over the phone. I thought I had everything under control. Then in

one weak moment I let it all back in. She returned for the summer and we invited

her to my son's wedding. She's 90,and lives 3 hrs from me, so I hired someone to

take care of her in the hotel (I would not have her in my home, I'm not that

bad!). Since plans were progressing nicely, I asked her caretaker to drop her

off at my house so that she could take the transportation with us to the church.

You all know where this is going. It didn't take her 3 minutes to " start " the

complaining, screaming, fighting, accusing, etc. etc. My sister and brother

turned to me and said, " what were you thinking? " Long story short, the evening

progressed nicely as we all avoided her. I feel sorry for her brother and sister

sitting with her. Later on she must have been boiling mad as she screamed at the

caretaker and actually threw her out of the hotel in tears at midnight, shaking

her fist at her. Now remember, she's 90...you should have seen her at 40!

Here's my dilema: I'm a professional, I have a lovely family, my husband is even

a psychologist with a PhD. I know everything there is to know about BPD, and yet

I still fall right into the rabbit hole. I can't seem to erase her. I get pulled

back in time and again. Am I living in a fantasy? Do I need a mother that badly?

Thanks for being there and listening. m

July 9, 2011

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} You are not crazy. I know that for me - I still want my nada

to be Mom. I know she can't. It just isn't going to happen. But I still want

it. Sigh.

I went to visit my family over the 4th of July weekend. I was only there for

the afternoon on Monday and morning on Tuesday. It was kind of funny. I have

been very low contact and medium chill for quite a while now. Mom had to pull

" jabs " from years ago (like almost 20 years ago) cuz she has no current

ammunition. It was funny cuz I just don't respond when she says something

inappropriate.

>

> When I first found this forum, I eagerly read the messages and absorbed all

the information. Then it began to depress me, so I stopped reading to avoid the

pain of the similarities. I came back on for some new insight after a very

upsetting weekend. My NADA lives far away most of the year and I only have to

deal with her madness over the phone. I thought I had everything under control.

Then in one weak moment I let it all back in. She returned for the summer and we

invited her to my son's wedding. She's 90,and lives 3 hrs from me, so I hired

someone to take care of her in the hotel (I would not have her in my home, I'm

not that bad!). Since plans were progressing nicely, I asked her caretaker to

drop her off at my house so that she could take the transportation with us to

the church. You all know where this is going. It didn't take her 3 minutes to

" start " the complaining, screaming, fighting, accusing, etc. etc. My sister and

brother turned to me and said, " what were you thinking? " Long story short, the

evening progressed nicely as we all avoided her. I feel sorry for her brother

and sister sitting with her. Later on she must have been boiling mad as she

screamed at the caretaker and actually threw her out of the hotel in tears at

midnight, shaking her fist at her. Now remember, she's 90...you should have seen

her at 40!

> Here's my dilema: I'm a professional, I have a lovely family, my husband is

even a psychologist with a PhD. I know everything there is to know about BPD,

and yet I still fall right into the rabbit hole. I can't seem to erase her. I

get pulled back in time and again. Am I living in a fantasy? Do I need a mother

that badly? Thanks for being there and listening. m

>

July 9, 2011

Its, like, practically genetically and culturally programmed into our DNA to

want and even to need to have our mother in our lives, even when our mother is

clearly abusive. Its hard to overcome that level of conditioning/hard-wiring.

It sounds to me like you are doing the best you can, and that is OK. You are

trying to include your mother in your life sometimes and not cut her out

entirely, even at an emotional cost to you.

We each have to do what works for us, individually. Please don't beat yourself

up for doing the best you can; you're doing better than I am at the moment. I

had to withdraw totally from contact with my nada. Not a great choice, but, the

lesser of two evils: I have to deal with the guilt of choosing my own needs, my

own health, over nada's.

So, please don't feel badly. You're OK, you're a decent, empathetic and

compassionate human being. As you describe your 90 year old nada's behaviors, I

can see what an absolute terror she must have been at 40: Ghengis Kahn in high

heels.

It doesn't make you a bad human being or a bad daughter to simply decline to be

a punching bag and remove yourself from an abuser's reach.

-Annie