Guest guest Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Welcome to the Group, Balazs. Your descriptions of your parents' behaviors, the way they treated you, sounds very familiar. It is possible that they have borderline pd, or maybe several of the bpd traits. In any case, their behavior was/is abusive toward you. You are right in that everyone, practically everyone, will display negative behaviors *sometimes*, like, once in a great while. Everybody gets angry once in a while, has hurt feelings, feels like attacking another person whom they perceive has hurt them, feels like being selfish, or becomes jealous, or craves to be the center of attention... once in a while. What makes these behaviors become a diagnosable mental disorder is when these behaviors are being displayed *most of the time*, meaning, the person displays them frequently and intensely. Here are the diagnostic criteria for borderline pd. " A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness 8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria. " So, anyway welcome. We understand what you've experienced, and can provide validation and support for you as you go on your journey toward healing and peace. -Annie > > > > > > I thought I'd share this funny story from my past with regards to my nada. It's so absurd I have to laugh every time I think of it. > > > THANKSGIVING DINNER, 2006 (of course it was a holiday!) > > > My husband, my nada, her husband and I are sitting around to a nice turkey dinner (the woman CAN COOK) and as we're digging into the mashed potatoes, she says to me: > > > " So, daughter, when are you going to return my picture of Pete Rose? " . > > > I say " What picture of Pete Rose? " > > > She replies " The one you stole from me. The framed picture I have with me and Pete Rose when I met him back in '85. " > > > I say " I didn't know you met him and took a photo with him, that's remarkable " (trying of course not to laugh). > > > She says " I know you took it. You are jealous that I got to meet him " . > > > I say, incredulously, " Mom, I was 14 in 1985. I didn't even know who Pete Rose was then and barely know who he is today. I had no idea you took a photo with him, so if I didn't know that, how could I have it? " > > > She says " Well, I know you're just going to sell it on eBay or something like that " . > > > I say " I highly doubt a picture of YOU with Pete Rose would pay my rent, Mom " . > > > She says " Well, when you are ready to return it and apologize, I will be the judge of that " . > > > Um.....YEAH. My nada, the hoarder, couldn't have possibly misplaced it in the 2000+ square feet of junk piled high, no. I had to be the one to blame. But Pete Rose? I mean, come on. Maybe Darryl Strawberry. But not Pete Rose! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you very much, Annie. Really. Thanks for the answer. It really supports me, because ususally nobody listens to me. And nobody understands me. Now I feel I have similar stories like you all, and I feel I will be understood here. So my parents acted not most of the time, but always the same way. So if their behavior is on the list then they must be BPDs . I was made to fulfill my nada's emotional requiremets. I was engineered for that. To fill up her empiness. Nada manipulated me not to graduate but stay home with her. It was huge guilt that I have graduated. And every day I feel the same guilt when I think of I am not home with her. ly I think maybe I don't fully understand the 9 criterias below, I'm afraid I should be a psychiatrist to be able. But as I know criteria No1, 2, 3, 6, 7 describes both of my parents, and additionally No 8 and 9 my fada. That means I had BPD mother and BPD father, too. Great. At least I know now. But I'm still doubting it. I saw them always that they are the good and I'm the bad. They always said to me that I'm mental case, therefore they have to punish me to teach me how to be a good boy. And that was done in the interest of me. So it's hard to believe that they were mental case. I always thought they had only hard childhood, as they told me. So I had to take care of them. And all the punishment and shaming and humuiliation was done in the interest of me. By the way there is a list of signs of the behvior of an adult child of a BPD. And that list is totally about me. So I'm sure and it is sure I'm a child of a BPD, but you know I can't believe my parents were BPDs. I still can not see the truth, I mean I can see, just I can't feel it. Feel myself normal. Just one more memory: my nada called me as shitty. That was my name. B. Welcome new member Welcome to the Group, Balazs. Your descriptions of your parents' behaviors, the way they treated you, sounds very familiar. It is possible that they have borderline pd, or maybe several of the bpd traits. In any case, their behavior was/is abusive toward you. You are right in that everyone, practically everyone, will display negative behaviors *sometimes*, like, once in a great while. Everybody gets angry once in a while, has hurt feelings, feels like attacking another person whom they perceive has hurt them, feels like being selfish, or becomes jealous, or craves to be the center of attention... once in a while. What makes these behaviors become a diagnosable mental disorder is when these behaviors are being displayed *most of the time*, meaning, the person displays them frequently and intensely. Here are the diagnostic criteria for borderline pd. " A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness 8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria. " So, anyway welcome. We understand what you've experienced, and can provide validation and support for you as you go on your journey toward healing and peace. -Annie > > > > > > I thought I'd share this funny story from my past with regards to my nada. It's so absurd I have to laugh every time I think of it. > > > THANKSGIVING DINNER, 2006 (of course it was a holiday!) > > > My husband, my nada, her husband and I are sitting around to a nice turkey dinner (the woman CAN COOK) and as we're digging into the mashed potatoes, she says to me: > > > " So, daughter, when are you going to return my picture of Pete Rose? " . > > > I say " What picture of Pete Rose? " > > > She replies " The one you stole from me. The framed picture I have with me and Pete Rose when I met him back in '85. " > > > I say " I didn't know you met him and took a photo with him, that's remarkable " (trying of course not to laugh). > > > She says " I know you took it. You are jealous that I got to meet him " . > > > I say, incredulously, " Mom, I was 14 in 1985. I didn't even know who Pete Rose was then and barely know who he is today. I had no idea you took a photo with him, so if I didn't know that, how could I have it? " > > > She says " Well, I know you're just going to sell it on eBay or something like that " . > > > I say " I highly doubt a picture of YOU with Pete Rose would pay my rent, Mom " . > > > She says " Well, when you are ready to return it and apologize, I will be the judge of that " . > > > Um.....YEAH. My nada, the hoarder, couldn't have possibly misplaced it in the 2000+ square feet of junk piled high, no. I had to be the one to blame. But Pete Rose? I mean, come on. Maybe Darryl Strawberry. But not Pete Rose! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 (((((Balazs))))) (that is a virtual hug) That is horribly abusive, for your own mother to call you such an ugly name as though that is your real name. Hideously abusive. I neglected to mention that in order to be diagnosed with borderline pd, a person must be formally examined by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and the person must exhibit at least 5 of the 9 criteria listed. If a person only exhibits 4 of those traits or less, they do not have borderline pd. That doesn't mean they can't be nasty, malicious, abusive people, it just means they do not specifically have borderline pd. In any case, your parents do sound very abusive and controlling toward you. Knowledge is power, and empowering. The more you can educate yourself about this disorder and how to protect yourself from further abuse, the more peace and joyfulness you can gain. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent. " There is a reading list at the home page of this Group, at " bpdfamily.com. " I suggest you also read the article on " The Dysfunctional Family " that I just posted in another thread. Yes, you will be heard and understood here. Unfortunately, we all " get where you're coming from. " -Annie > > > > > > > > I thought I'd share this funny story from my past with regards to my nada. It's so absurd I have to laugh every time I think of it. > > > > THANKSGIVING DINNER, 2006 (of course it was a holiday!) > > > > My husband, my nada, her husband and I are sitting around to a nice turkey dinner (the woman CAN COOK) and as we're digging into the mashed potatoes, she says to me: > > > > " So, daughter, when are you going to return my picture of Pete Rose? " . > > > > I say " What picture of Pete Rose? " > > > > She replies " The one you stole from me. The framed picture I have with me and Pete Rose when I met him back in '85. " > > > > I say " I didn't know you met him and took a photo with him, that's remarkable " (trying of course not to laugh). > > > > She says " I know you took it. You are jealous that I got to meet him " . > > > > I say, incredulously, " Mom, I was 14 in 1985. I didn't even know who Pete Rose was then and barely know who he is today. I had no idea you took a photo with him, so if I didn't know that, how could I have it? " > > > > She says " Well, I know you're just going to sell it on eBay or something like that " . > > > > I say " I highly doubt a picture of YOU with Pete Rose would pay my rent, Mom " . > > > > She says " Well, when you are ready to return it and apologize, I will be the judge of that " . > > > > Um.....YEAH. My nada, the hoarder, couldn't have possibly misplaced it in the 2000+ square feet of junk piled high, no. I had to be the one to blame. But Pete Rose? I mean, come on. Maybe Darryl Strawberry. But not Pete Rose! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks Annie. That hug really touches me. You know, I always saw in the movies and in other families that people hug each other. Nada didn't hug me ever. Fada was worse, because he touched me physically only when he hit me. So I became curious, how feels a hug, when I became 17. Therefore I questioned her 'Do you love me?' She replied 'Of course!' I think an answer like 'I love you' from a mother to her child sounds common. But in our family that 'Of course' was the first and the last time of showing positive feelings. And after that I asked her to hug me and I had to justify my demand for a hug with a reason 'You very rarely hug me, so please hug me.' So nada hugged me, but I felt nothing. Later I thought there was a problem with me, with my emotions, maybe I had no emotions. But later I have realized that I can feel, I have emoptions. Just it was forbidden. When I met with my first girlfriend, and when she hugged me, I felt the emotion of love. She just hugged me for two seconds, and I felt she loves me. Without any words. Just two seconds, just some movement of her hands, and I felt she loves me. So that's it for now about hugs. And thanks for the advices, I'm reading now the Surviving A Borderline Parent. I found bpdfamily.com in that book, and I found address of this list on that web page. So your words like " your parent do sound very abusive and controlling toward you " makes me feel I'm not invisible as I felt in the past. (I wish you were here to hug you for supporting me with your answers, but I'm afraid I'm on the other side of the Earth. so (((((Annie)))))) B. Re: Welcome new member (((((Balazs))))) (that is a virtual hug) That is horribly abusive, for your own mother to call you such an ugly name as though that is your real name. Hideously abusive. I neglected to mention that in order to be diagnosed with borderline pd, a person must be formally examined by a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and the person must exhibit at least 5 of the 9 criteria listed. If a person only exhibits 4 of those traits or less, they do not have borderline pd. That doesn't mean they can't be nasty, malicious, abusive people, it just means they do not specifically have borderline pd. In any case, your parents do sound very abusive and controlling toward you. Knowledge is power, and empowering. The more you can educate yourself about this disorder and how to protect yourself from further abuse, the more peace and joyfulness you can gain. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent. " There is a reading list at the home page of this Group, at " bpdfamily.com. " I suggest you also read the article on " The Dysfunctional Family " that I just posted in another thread. Yes, you will be heard and understood here. Unfortunately, we all " get where you're coming from. " -Annie > > > > > > > > I thought I'd share this funny story from my past with regards to my nada. It's so absurd I have to laugh every time I think of it. > > > > THANKSGIVING DINNER, 2006 (of course it was a holiday!) > > > > My husband, my nada, her husband and I are sitting around to a nice turkey dinner (the woman CAN COOK) and as we're digging into the mashed potatoes, she says to me: > > > > " So, daughter, when are you going to return my picture of Pete Rose? " . > > > > I say " What picture of Pete Rose? " > > > > She replies " The one you stole from me. The framed picture I have with me and Pete Rose when I met him back in '85. " > > > > I say " I didn't know you met him and took a photo with him, that's remarkable " (trying of course not to laugh). > > > > She says " I know you took it. You are jealous that I got to meet him " . > > > > I say, incredulously, " Mom, I was 14 in 1985. I didn't even know who Pete Rose was then and barely know who he is today. I had no idea you took a photo with him, so if I didn't know that, how could I have it? " > > > > She says " Well, I know you're just going to sell it on eBay or something like that " . > > > > I say " I highly doubt a picture of YOU with Pete Rose would pay my rent, Mom " . > > > > She says " Well, when you are ready to return it and apologize, I will be the judge of that " . > > > > Um.....YEAH. My nada, the hoarder, couldn't have possibly misplaced it in the 2000+ square feet of junk piled high, no. I had to be the one to blame. But Pete Rose? I mean, come on. Maybe Darryl Strawberry. But not Pete Rose! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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